theshortikoo

[theshortikoo]

An Up With Love Kind Of Situation...

Here's the funny thing. 10 years ago, when the new package relationships surfaced. Where everyone is nothing but a pit stop on the journey of your new ego-centric life. They forgot to mention how much you hurt yourself in the process, how you end up isolating your heart; scared of any form of emotion that you might feel. They didn't even put a disclaimer, for crying out loud!

Many of us have become exactly that. A bunch of scared, ego-centric maniacs running around scarring each other because all of a sudden relationships are toxic. Emotions have become a virus that we all must be immune to.

From here on after, friends with benefits, situation-ships impossible relationships (The allure of unfulfilled love), and open relationships. Despite this spread, these forms of quick love have destroyed the idea of a relationship to many.

And the bigger problem is that we are the ones who subject ourselves to this. It feels safer being in a relationship or situation that we know will not go anywhere, therefore, zero expectations exist and everything is on the table - so you let go knowing that you both are going to enjoy the brief moments you'll share and once one of you falls into the trap of emotions, it becomes the other person's turn to run for their lives.

What the fuck are we doing to ourselves? Seriously, though... What are we doing? How has this endless loop of emotional scarring not protected us from anything but attachment? It's only keeping us from truly loving or giving a chance for others to love us back. It's making the idea of a committed relationship so scary because when you open up you get hurt. And there's a rule book for the game, if you can't play you'll end up being tossed around in the field which is the status quo of so many now. Just as the status quo for others is the nearing phobia of commitment and relationships.

The crazy part is that this cycle is a result of each and every person who is running away from something in their life regardless of what it is. We've become a herd - even in the way we carry our relationships around and that shit is scary.

It took a short but painful wake-up call for me to realize that and not just know it but also accept the fact that I have done that to myself. I have subjected myself to quick and superficial love that hurt me more than it added to me.

The hoax of building walls around your heart is just a false narrative. Because guess what, buddy? You still get hurt, and you still feel the loneliness that tears into the warmth of your home with the pain and emptiness of having no one to share it with. If it worked, you wouldn't feel this way every, actually, you wouldn't feel anything. Not even the hollowness of your own heart.

Why the fuck are we buying these narratives this actively? How do we expect greatness to happen and love to blossom if we are shut off from our emotions? How are we unwilling to embrace the mutuality and beauty of sharing feelings with another human?

Life doesn't revolve around you alone. The people you meet on your journey are not just pit stops, those who leave a positive mark, teach you a lesson or even bring you some happiness at a dark time - are people to cherish and keep. Accept that not everyone is meant to make the journey to the end with you but also appreciate their presence when they were there. Embrace the happy moments you shared with them, and remember the lessons you've learned.

Love is simple and doesn't need all these moulds, forms, and names to take place. When it happens it happens. And when it happens just fucking go for it! Love with all your might.

So break these narratives and these sudden restrictions that appeared under the name of freedom of love and choice when they're nothing but a saga of loneliness and pain. Love is already free because you don't choose who you love but you choose whether you hurt this love or nurture it.

Fucking fall in love again and again!

Love,

Shorty

[theshortikoo]

[theshortikoo]

كتبت

جلست وحدها بعد يوما حافل كأيامها المعتاده – و قررت أن تكتب. كانت تظن أنه لم يكن هناك ما يستحق ذكره أو هناك الكثير, ربما لثقلة لم تستطيع كتابته؟ أم أنهكتها الحياة تلك الفتاة الشقية؟

بدأت تهيئ محيطها حتي تكتب, أشعلت سيجارتها و جلست علي سريرها – وضعت هاتفها بجوارها و اختارت أغانيها – حينها هدأ عقلها لأول مرة منذ فترة و قررت أنه إن كان من الممكن أن تغمرها كل هذه المشاعر على الرغم من العهد الذي قطعته علي قلبها – أن كتابتها هي الطريقة الوحيده لإكرامها.

و علي الرغم من ثقل قلبها إلا أنها لم تكن تشعر بأي مشاعر سلبية, كل ما تذكره مكلل بالدفئ و إبتسامة لم تكن تعرف أنها تملكها.

إبتسمت و هي تفكر أن ها هو مرة أخري حتي فالبعد و الصمت يرسمها علي وجهها. حتي فالبعد يدفعها تجاه شيئ تحبه....

فكتبت........

يا من سرقت معه من العمر لحظات 

يا من هربت معه من زخم الحياة و جنونها 

يا من إختاره القلب و أنس الروح 

يا من تشتاق له العين حتي عند اللقاء 

يا من أخلده الأن بكلماتي

أشكرك

لأنك أيقظت قلبا قد قسا و أنهك من حروب خاضها, يخوضها و سيخوضها

لأنك تركت لقلبي بقعة نور في ظلامه

لإيمانك بي و تلك اللحظات الدافئه التي أشعرتني فيها بأمان

لكل تلك الضحكات التي رسمتها علي وجهي

لكل كلمات الغزل التي أخجلتني

لتلك النار التي أشعلتها في روحي

لكل اللحظات التي تخيلناها معا و كل علي حدا

و كل تلك التي لم تكتب لنا الأيام أن نتقاسمها

أشكرك لأنك لم تسلبني مني

و إن لم يكن لنا الأن نصيب إعلم أنك في قلبي دائما أينما أخذتني الحياة

تمت

[theshortikoo]

About Letting Go...

I’ve been trying to write about letting go for two days now... Letting go is something I was never really good at. I liked keeping everything; every bad memory, heart ache, good memory, life lesson, and even my fears I never really let go of. On that account I almost lost a person that I loved the most. 

For the first time in a very very very long time I’d be that scared of losing someone, that scared to be attached to someone this way. The reason why I’ve been subjected to that horrific experience was my inability to let go of the past. I let hurdle me and I let it almost ruin this beautiful relationship that I’m in.  

No one really prepares you to let go... People talk about letting go and moving on with your life, but never about how to do it. Thing is nobody can really tell you how to do it, other than yourself. YOU are the only person who can set the course of letting go, and act upon it. 

For me, I lingered more and more onto the things that piled up more fear in my mind, more fear than I can live with. All that piling up let to so many issues between me and myself and between me and the person I’m in love with. I had only fear in my mind that the past would shape-shift into a new form, to haunt me down. 

Add to that my horrible skill at accurately voicing how I feel, and here you go... I was a catastrophe walking on two feet, with a silly smirk on face and teary eyes. The burden I was carrying had taken it’s toll on me far before I fell in love again, I had taught myself to live with it. To be numb to whatever pain it brought me. I just couldn’t let go; I thought that those horrible memories, good ones, the pain and fear were all what I had left. A glimpse of the person I once was. 

When I reached the breaking point, I took time to face that problem. Never letting go was the main issue, that has long hindered my journey of self discovery and development. Summing it up; for a long time I had stood in my own way. 

Then I developed a strategy (Which is what happens normally in my life), I wrote down everything that I held on to deeply, and decided to cross them off one by one. Because I’m not one to take on piles of my issues and sort them all at once, I’m breaking them down one issue at a time. Makes things a lot more easier to deal with, and less dramatic. 

To me that process turned to be easier; I don’t have to feel like I’m pressured, or in a hurry to get somewhere before I’m ready. I also realized that having too many opinions will crowd your thoughts; and at a certain point you’ll feel really lost. So I took on my own thoughts and kept every other opinion in front of me but not over crowded. I selected of all the opinions I needed what I actually needed. 

In the end, I discovered that you can only linger onto the present, maybe some really valuable lessons of the past and a few good old memories. The pain of the past has already passed, nothing will bring it back other than you. The person you once were is not the person you are today; and the person you are with today is not the person you once were with... So don’t let the past confuse your present, and don’t let your scars over-power the love you possess. 

With all my love, 

Shorty 

[theshortikoo]

A letter to me

Dear Me, 

Hello. I’m writing this letter you for many reasons. First of all, I want to apologize to you and second I would like to document this moment as for the very first time; I’m inspired by myself.  

Through the past couple of years in my life, I had to chosen to feel nothing. I wanted to be completely feeling proof, which is unlike my nature. I am a storm of emotion, in that lies my strength. For years I tried to put myself in a certain frame that has done nothing but hurt, damage and destruct me. A frame that was too small for the personality I posses. A frame that confined me rather than set me free. 

I was tired... I had no fight left in me against life and what it threw my way. I wanted to seem strong, invincible and unmovable. I had no feelings for so long that I got accustomed to it. I taught myself to have people around but to always be alone. 

I wanted to prevent myself from feeling things, from getting attached to anything or anyone. To be a lone wolf till death crossed paths with me, then it would release me of the world that I no longer had desire to live in. Yet I was too scared to admit that. 

For that I want to apologize to you. For the pain I caused, for the years of numbness and those little meaning less adventures. You and I know that we have no regrets even those years I don’t regret. 

I want you to know that I now know that I am not the person I was trying so hard to become, that now you and I are on a journey together and that we are becoming stronger than I could ever imagine. That even through the turbulence, the hesitation, leaning towards that easy life I am still holding on to us. The real me; the sensitive person, the kind person, the emotional storms, the passion and immense lust for life and you know who ;). 

I still lack the ability to properly voice how I feel to those I love the most, and those I hold dearest to my heart. I still say something so stupid and do something that’s even more stupid, and I still expect them to understand what I was trying to do. I still struggle between how I feel and how I act. My heart, my mind and my dark side are all fighting each other. I am trying to regain control over all of them. I want to go back to being in control of what I do, where I do it, when and with whom. I started but I guess it’s still going to take more time. I guess I need practice, I’ve let go so much that now I need practice to gain control over myself. 

I’m going to take my time more in everything, I’m going to work on what I need and want more, I’m going to liberate us from the confinements that I’ve created. I won’t be so scared of love, or attachment, I won’t fight it. I’ll let myself drown in it. You see it kind of saved us. 

I promise you that I will no longer push away those we love the most, and I will never put us through the confinements we were in again, I promise you that we will be always be better, stronger and love harder. I promise you that I will not project the past on the present but I will only cherish the good memories, and the hard lessons learnt. I promise you that even when I am tired and the tide gets real rough, I will fight harder for what I’ve become and what I am still yet to be. I promise you that I will always be me. 

Much Love, 

Shorty 

[theshortikoo]

7 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW WHEN YOU FALL FOR THE INDEPENDENT OVER-THINKING WOMAN!

Women and men in my mind are two beings: created in this world to complete each other; not compete with each other. Which in my modest opinion, is the reason why we constantly have been struggling with each other. 

However, it struck me through a personal experience as to what happens when a man falls for the over thinking, strong, independent struggling woman?! 

That relationship can be heavenly or hell unleashed in both lives. That strong woman was once, a little innocent girl who got broken hard so many times; her scars & wars transformed her into a beautiful creature.

 If you fall in love with her which is the highest of odds; here are some things you should know... 

1. Her insecurities: 

Being strong & independent isn’t an easy process. At a certain point her survival skills were sharpened hardly, yet her insecurities still roam around in her head, sometimes over shadow her being. She will project a strong shell around her for protection, so be very CAREFUL with what you say to her and her triggers. 

2. Trust Issues: 

Often under estimating the level of the trust issues, she has will create hell in your union; know that she doesn’t trust easily, and if does she will always be skeptical of you. It’s tiring but if she is worth it you’ll pass the test. Remember to give her the space to come to you not the opposite. 

3. Changing her: 

When you truly love someone you always want them better; her beautiful being is the birth of her struggles... In her mind right & wrong are either idealistic or a matter of perspective. Be careful when you try to push her for the better she is self motivated; encourage rather than rectify. She will resist even if your are right. Note that you don’t want to get caught up in a storm; between her and herself you’ll end up consumed and will get nowhere. 

4.  Wild Passion: 

She’s a very passionate creature; if she finds you to be her haven & home she will drown you with emotions. It might be overwhelming at times; she has so much to give so don’t be afraid. When she does flow with her in that fiery passion. You’re in for one hell of a ride ;) 

5. Reassurance & Attachment: 

Often she’s never attached to anything or anyone but herself, so she will be learning to deal with the fact that she got attached. You should always with little things actions & words (They’re what matter the most), reassure her that you’re here to stay and that it’s okay to get attached. Once she feels safe on that department you’ll be surprised. 

6. Over thinking: 

She’s naturally an over thinker which gets in the way of things in most of her life. She takes every little detail and analyzes creating hundreds of theories in her head; on what do they mean, and if there is anything hidden underneath them.  

Her mind is so complex yet simple her own rationale is her bible, and some common sense can be too foreign for her. Guide her through it and she will meet you half way as long as she’s not giving herself up in it. 

7. Being Everything to her: 

When you’re really in love with her, you’ll find yourself trying to fill all the voids in her life, which means you’re going to be too many people. 

That will destroy both of you. She needs you to be her lover not her father or any other figure she has lacked or lacks in her life... Only her lover! 

Finally, know that she chose you above everyone else, she loves you if she’s still around, and she’s one to stay. Just put those basics in mind and I’m sure it’ll go alright. 

All my love, 

Shorty 

[theshortikoo]

Losing all to love

Through my journey to find myself there was this one thing that I always paused for; that thing was love. I had found love before... In fact I had a fairy tale that ended sadly as life does not pretty much everything we want. I was mad, lost, and self destructive; I had reached rock bottom and liked it down there for some time. 

Yet the nature of who I am didn’t allow me to linger down there any longer; my pride had me pick myself up; wipe those tears from my worn out, sleepless eyes and start seeing clearly. I had to be reminded who I am and I am a force of nature! 

Yes! I say it with all the pride in the world. I have through time lost all I could possibly lose and it has set me free; unleashed me completely to immerse into life and for life to immerse in me. I leave my mark wherever I go and in the hearts of those who are and have walked with me the same path one day. I had always known what I’ve wanted from this world but one love shattered me one day; I suddenly didn’t have an answer and after recovering from that phase here is what happened. 

On my still on going healing journey; I’d come across subjects of interest and that is normal (It’s freaking life... No running away from’em anytime soon) but the ones who had truly caught my attention are the ones I knew I can’t have; I know it’s wrong and maybe it’s the love of the chase or the beauty of unfulfilled love...

 Yet, I had found myself deliberately losing myself in the process of such a chase. Believing words I knew weren’t true, feeling things just to make sure that my heart hasn’t gone stone cold on me, trying desperately to find home in those lost and weak beings who are nothing compared what I’ve been blessed with. 

I realized that every time I had put myself out there thinking that this way I can finally find what I deserve; find that love which ignites my soul I was just merely trying to lose myself in the thought of being in love. It’s not just mixing infatuation with true affection I was and still am longing for someone to challenge me, bewilder me, enchant me. 

I believe in love and all the power it can give; I have lived it and enjoyed it before all I wanted was to feel the same again. I had drained my energy so many times on men who don’t deserve a split second of my much valued time; on souls who had no idea who they are, where they are and what they want. I had thought if I helped realize that everything about me that captivated them is where they belong; I’d be doing myself a favor before them because I had lost all hope in finding again a love so true. 

After a conversation with my soul sister I realized that strong women; the likes of me and her and so many others out there; to each her own way we sometimes try to settle for less because we find no match to what we possess of talent, intelligence, charisma, intuition and so on. We all still look for that Greek god who can be our match; that man who truly move mountains within us, can contain our strong and free spirits, our passionate fire and embrace our vicious lust for our independence , our freedom and just every little crazy quirk that makes us the stand out women we are. A man who can truly admire the beauty of the scars that we wear proudly in the face of life, the victorious smile through each fight and day we overcome. That is part of the man we deserve we don’t deserve a man who is intimidated by our strength, shy's away from our intensity and calls it too much, a man who doesn’t understand our struggles and a man who wants to push us around to be part of his shade when we are on our own very whole. 

I write this to myself and to all of you... Never settle for someone who isn’t ready to bring the world right under your feet without you even asking for it! Never lose yourself in the process of finding love, love will find you and he will find you... I have come to believe this after so many little scars left by those experiences that I’ve subjected myself to. Realize how whole on your own you are; how worthy of a drama free life are you and how beautiful your mere existence is so let them be part of your journey not the entirety of it. 

With all my love, 

Shorty 

[theshortikoo]

Hostage

The time has come... The old ghosts have come to haunt me down. I have a rage spiraling within me, choking me and taking me back to the bottle again, I have made the outrageous mistake of trying to be normal! 

I never really knew what normal is and what I discovered recently has taken me to conclude that I never was normal; everything that is okay for me was never okay for anyone else I knew. Every time someone asked me how could I have done what I’ve done and I said I just did, you know its okay really for me. They’d gasp it out at me “No it’s not, this is not normal.” Then silence would fall upon me; I’d have no response to that hideous phrase. I’m just not a normal person. 

I tried to live the normal life and still it would turn out not to be normal. Even as a child everyone thought something was up with me, I was more curious than other kids and when everybody dreamed of scooters, skateboards, being doctors, engineers, ballerinas... I wanted to be a traveler, rescue wild animals, save the world possibly. 

I wanted to be a writer and my inspiration was Shakespeare, Agatha Christie, Anthony Hopkins... I was always fascinated by novels everything that is solely made up by the human imagination.  With it my imagination grew and I’ve succeeded at creating worlds of my imagination so I could live in them and was happy being the creator of my own world. As I grew up I realized I am the creator of my own reality. And recently I realized I was trying to take myself as my own hostage. I wanted to protect myself from all the damage I have caused myself and the damage that those I loved have done me, and I was walked the path of healing my severely wounded soul I for some subconscious reason decided to stand in my own way! 

After lots of filtering and attempts of a changed lifestyle I have discovered that every once in a while, I fall back into square zero as if everything I have done before to push myself towards a better place for me and for where I belong I have just failed miserably at it. Some don’t like to dub it as failed but its the obstacles on your way of being the best version of yourself. 

Change is a motherfucking scary! I’ve lost all I could lose before so there is literally nothing that I can’t possibly be scared of losing. I’ve managed to survive in ruins of who I once was a person but to put those pieces back together has brought so much pain; imagine this with me; A nail is shoved deep in your skin and it’s either you let it kill you or you start the agonizing process of removal in which pain and bleeding are guaranteed.  I have chosen to remove it instead of let it kill me but the pain and the bleeding are too much to handle. 

I always thought of myself as a tough cookie; never would I have ever thought that I’d be falling so frequently as the victim of my own wounds ones I have cut myself by myself and ones that have been the doing of others. I have spiraled into depression and all attempts to get out of it have just brought more misery than unwinding to me. I am now in search of what could help make this removal process a little bit easier as numbing doesn’t last long enough. 

I’m far ahead to back out now and I don’t know if I really want to back out now. I thought that maybe I was too lonely for my own good. I thought that all the numbness I’ve been feeling for weeks has gotten to me but I guess I have only been taken hostage by myself due to my own pain... I rain to the comfort zone thinking it would make me forget for a little while how its like to be in constant pain as you come close to removing that wretched nail from your flesh... The bleeding has worn on to me. But weak never looked good on me so I am attempting again to stand on my feet, take the pain and punches (Very Rocky style) and keep moving forward. 

All my love, 

Shorty 

[theshortikoo]

One for the broken hearts

After a while of not writing anything I have found the perfect piece to write....This one is for the broken hearts out there! This is one is for you fighters, survivors, lovers, neglected ones, givers, you who keep moving forward even if you have to drag your lifeless hearts and souls. 

Here’s the deal I’m one of you.... I’m someone who got so drunk on love to the point where it broke me, put me down to my knees. It wasn’t easy and I’m sure you know. When I fell I wouldn’t let anyone help me. I actually drank myself to the point of oblivion and I almost lost my job at once. Which is one the thing that I love the most in my life. Yes, I lost all. I don’t regret it but dwelling on it won’t help for long. 

I for so long ran away from attempting to mend my broken heart. In fact, I was determined to break it even more. I grew accustomed to the pain, the constantly bleeding wounds, the ones I gave no chance for healing. I wanted someone to come fix all what was broken in me. Then it just got worst I started hurting people that I love, I started pushing away everyone who tried to help me. I didn’t really want to be fixed, I liked being broken because I kept waiting for the one who broke me to come fix me, heal me and love me again. 

I wanted nothing than to just be left alone, enjoying the company of those who when I’m sober wouldn’t even want to be around. I turned everyone into my best friend. I decided to try to love more, I failed. You can’t give love that you can’t give to yourself. I kept trying hard to fix me but I just attempted to do so in all the wrong ways, all the ways that I whole heartily knew would fail, I wanted the satisfaction of “Yeah, I tried hard but I failed. I’m destined for sadness”.  

Suddenly all that crazy amount of people who were around me started to fade away; I was alone. The thing I dreaded the most was having the time to be with me, to talk to me, to hear me out, to actually face what I ran away from. It was inevitable. I realized that I wasn’t just giving in, I was giving up. I was giving up on the one person I had at the end of the day which is ME! I gave up on people, on my friends, on my true friends. Till recently I almost lost the very few people that really care, love, and want to help me be better. My emotional drinking had taken a very nasty turn. And I know that each and every one of you has their own addiction to distract them from their broken hearts. 

When I took that time with myself I kept thinking; do I really want to be the person I am right now? do I really want to keep living my life this way? Is it really worth all this constant drama am in? do I just want to keep pushing all those beautiful people I come across in the most unusual of places because they try to help me? do I not love myself enough to help me? Am I that weak to not let people help me? What am I waiting for to happen in order to snap out of this? 

The funny part is I knew all the answers straight out. I didn’t want to keep being this monster I turned into, I didn’t want to keep living life this way... this numb, I don’t want push all those people away, I want to help me because I love me and I will let people help me because I do need help; that’s why they’re here and I’m not weak... I’m a strong mother fucker with so much to give to this world so it better be ready for all the love I have to give, and the care I have within and all the goodness I seek to find in myself to reflect on the world and then back to myself. I won’t stay broken. I’m going to live and survive it. I’m not going to mourn over my luck that brought me such unhappiness, such pain and such destruction. I will turn it the other way around. I won’t walk around being a happy person who deep down is dying from the pain. I won’t walk around being the subject of sympathy.... This time I felt the sincerity of my decision through my whole body. 

I won’t let that pat on the back put me down, I won’t let that look of sympathy break me, I won’t let the “It’s okay to be heart broken take your time”, I won’t drink the pain away because it doesn’t go away. I’ll heal myself. I’ll be better for myself. Because I deserve it. I’m worth it and I owe it to me and my broken little heart of mine. I will keep moving forward, fighting to make each step better and fighting that sadness and that urge to drink myself to oblivion. I won’t let anything stop me. 

On that note I decided that the most important part of healing myself was letting go which is not easy at ALL! I decided to accept the facts that I was broken, I turned myself into an alcoholic, that I enjoyed the pain I inflicted on myself by attempting to be with people who I knew were not for me and letting them hurt me more, I decided to accept that we are all human and that we are on this world to love, hate, hurt, learn and heal. I forgave the person who hurt me for holding the grudge was a mountain I long yearned to take off of my shoulders, I set myself free of all the memories; I cherished the beautiful ones I had because they are remarkable and let the bad ones be a reminder of the lesson that I have learned. I am blessed for learning, I am blessed for being broken and I am blessed to know that I am strong enough to forgive and good enough to smile at each day ahead and love life harder as I go on. 

My lovely broken ones, as you reached this point of this piece I hope that it might have awakened within you an ounce of hope, an ounce of the love you have for yourself, I hope that it helps you feel better not just in knowing that you’re not the only one who is broken but in knowing that you can get over it and you can move forward and you can be better because you are GREAT and you deserve the best. You have survived the worst pain in the world that crack of your broken heart is a scar you should wear proudly because HEY! You’re still alive. There is more of you to love, to give and come what may happiness is just one smile away. 

With much love, 

Shorty 

[theshortikoo]

Her Stolen Soul

Back home after a long day, she sits to smoke, takes out her diary and starts writing.... She smiles as she held the pen in her hand with excitement. She hadn’t written anything in her diary for a long time, she was about to write for him and to him; that mystery man who took her whole world by surprise. She  then smiles again at the thought of him, that tingle runs through her body again.... She puts on some music, ties her hair up and starts writing;

Dear Diary, 

I think I just had my heart stolen. Is it possible that a complete stranger can strip your soul from you in less than seconds? Can it be that one look in another’s eyes would grasp onto your mind? Is it even imaginable that this one look, this one moment would make their image linger onto your mind.... Like they found their place in you.... As if they belong there and you didn’t know it?

Out of all the places, the people, and the time... Is it that he found me or have I found him? I was never moved this fast, I have obsessed over many but never has one lingered from the first moment. I have no idea what the tides could bring my way. This maybe the one who shall bedazzle my deranged soul?! 

Those warm hazel eyes.... That wide welcoming smile, the touch of his hands put me in a trance I lost control over my heart that just leaped from it’s cages and was right his feet. I never felt more seduced and intimidated by someone as simple as you. I never saw a man as beautiful as he is. In fact he might be the most beautiful man I have ever laid my eyes on. 

I keep wondering how, when and will it ever be. Will there be no obstacles between you and me? Will there be a chance ever for you and me? Do I deserve that beautiful soul of yours that I am yet to explore? Am I deranged enough to have fallen in love with you already? And as you haunt my puzzled heart and insane mind all day and from the looks of it all night. You have awakened something in me I long thought had died... I can feel the beats of my heart dance, with every word I write. I am writing again, I am writing about you and maybe one day to you. All the scenarios that are playing non-stop in my head; Do they stand a chance? I am going insane, more than already I am. I don’t know really if he is just what I need or is my heart so desperate for love it lingered on to his soul? 

I can’t wait to see him again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; what have my heart dragged me into this time, despite of all my past experiences I have this staggering feeling pulling through me... That he’s the one for me. It scares me the curse that walks with me every time; All I want I can’t have. All I wish for cannot be, no matter how hard I try and strive for it.... I fail and end up picking what’s left of my very damaged heart. I don’t think I have any fight left in me. Or at least that’s the case till something happens to prove me wrong.

 GOD! I can’t help that tingle in my heart as I think of him.... As I remember him smile; when he walked into that awful grey room and lit my soul on fire as he smiled at me. Those stolen looks between us, how we turned our faces as each one caught the other look.... His complements that made all the blood in my body rush up to my face, I blushed. Yet there is something standing between us. There is nothing till something happens.

 Till I see that beautiful soul of his again... I can’t wait and can’t speak of it to anyone who can manage to make this happen again. I can’t think of him knowing how much I feel for him and I only had met him once! He is another one that I’d die to have but can’t have. I can’t resist this feeling that something will happen.

She puts the down the pen from her hand, she’s now feeling so blue and as she lights up another cigarette... She exhales; that rush still flowing in her body, she can’t shake up that image of him smiling at her from her mind. She looks up to the full moon and as always she makes a wish; her heart filled with hope.... She wishes for him with all the might in her that he would be hers for the taking, that as life brought them together, he’d find his way to her, she wishes that he feels the same way about her, that’s he’s thinking of her. A cool summer breeze gently touches her face. She opens her eyes, lets her hair fall down and closes her eyes and wishes the same wish again. That he’d feel the same away about her, and find his way to her... 

[theshortikoo]

I Confess....

I am on the verge of changing my life again! Questions keep running through my mind, doubt keeps racing in my heart. Could it be that the life I fought so hard for just turned out to be the life that I now seek to get out of? Could I be my own enemy? Have I become Christian Grey? 

Usually we all have demons, I believe mine have got the best of me; I have let my demons lead me to a path I never wanted to walk. I seek to be resurrected from this grave in which I have buried myself in the past couple of years, there is so much fear within me... So much leading me to strange places; I see lessons and omens of danger wherever I land yet I keep going for it. It’s like I’m bringing myself down on purpose.... Again I find myself on the path of self destruction!  

I can’t handle the pain, I tried to run away from or rather distract myself from it’s hassle.... All the old open wounds that still hurt and still bleed... I felt like that I doomed myself in that past in which my only fault was loved too hard and gave way too much. I regret nothing; my mistakes, my heart aches, even that pain that I can’t handle anymore. If I could go back I would do the same thing over again because that’s who I am; I love with all my heart and I give the best I can possibly give to the ones I love the most. 

Even though I have transformed into a completely different person; someone who care less, has fun more regardless of the consequences, into casual of all sorts, commitment phobic, wild beyond my own control. I have come to run away from those who really just want my heart. Those who just love me regardless of who I have become; those who met me when I have become fucked up and still found the power to love my wild deranged and almost demonic soul. 

I confess through those written words that I have become a freak that I do not love anymore, I have become a monster, I am a lost wounded soul floating desperately in a search for a place in my heart that I call home, I seek help.

With love,

Shorty 

[theshortikoo]

Heart of stone

Question my intentions now, will you?Question my reasons and motives, I tell you. Don't be enchanted by the passion burning in my eyes, or the persuasion bewildered within my voice, don't let my hyper activity guide you to the dark paths I choose to walk, you can't walk them with me I tell you. Don't try to keep up with what goes on in my mind because you'll never know me, you never have and you never will. 

Let yourself walk to your destiny, to the arms of one that shall keep you warm enough, don't let the heat I absorb from the sun fool you that's not what you seek I know you, what I carry in the cages of my chest is a heart made of stone; it might beat, it pumps blood, it doesn't carry within it's chambers an ounce of love. 

Dare you not ask me to try, dare you not ask me to love you. I can not love even if I wanted to. I can not feel more than I feel, carry more than I carry and stay longer than I already did. Feel me now; cold as ice, see me now that's who I am, Believe me now or you still can't grasp it. When I walk away from you I shan't ask for forgiveness and I shan't ask for a place in your memory. I'll hope that you would find it in your heart to forget me. 

Don't be my prey. Love, I'm not here to stay. 

[theshortikoo]

Ruins of Humanity

What if we all were a figment of someone's imagination? What if that person had all the cues for the dramatic twists in our lives? What if that person had the power to create euphoric sadness and destructive depression? What if that person was salvation and was abolishment? 

If once in your life had the opportunity to meet that person; What would you say? What would you do? How will you look at them, face them? Will fear take over you to meet someone who has the upper hand in your life? The person who when they feel like it can create wishes for you and make them come true... 

It's scary to feel that you are just a figment of someone's imagination??! It's feels terrible when you carry in your heart the burden of love for someone who can't see it. I think both can be equally put into one equation, that crack in your heart, when the air gets too heavy and you can't breathe. That's how I felt when I thought of it. My mind rebelled against the thought but still undeniably it might be possible. The factuality of the world we live in has never been proven solidly. We all might not exist, yet still everything feels so real it's crazy. All what some of us have is the faith in our hearts or the changing facts given by science, created by humans like us. 

The strength and intensity of our relationships and interactions as humans with each other can be overwhelming, we sometimes are overwhelming when interacting with ourselves; hence the moment we seek people around, our discomfort with our own selves kills us, scares us and we hate to face it. I may not have a certain message that I am trying to send here. I might be expressing the scribbles of crazy thoughts. I maybe expressing the mess within my chaotic soul. You may feel the same and you may realize the same and you may never know this feeling ever. 

There are forces in this world that you can't reckon with, you have no chance to stand through it or against it. Accepting that makes us what? Human??? How can we be humans when we seek mortality? We are only human when we are confined by our fears, by the borders set by the society in which we were born and by default choose to live in, the norms on which we were raised and accept blindly, the discomfort of change, and even those of us who rebel against all of that still have a part that is already tainted. Maybe that is what triggered the thought; the hefty feeling living in a society I choose to refuse. Trying to refine humanity with every chance I get. Seeking the better within everyone, trying to direct them towards their destined paths? I may have been trying to meddle with what i have no hand in. I may have been trying to create the change I managed within myself and apply it on the world. Being the positive effect and all of the other philanthropy requirements. 

Walking through the ruins of humanity finding hope in everything I see, yet its still ruins and that hasn't changed, I may have managed to throw a seed in every crack I found so that by time I would see it grow and blossom to be a beautiful flower in the gardens of my heart. I maybe trying too hard to give back to the world what it has never gave me, my ignorance may have led me to where I am today. This moment, those words, this feeling, the repulsive feeling I get when admired by others. 

Admired by others? Why am I like that? That feeling that each girl adores, the ultimate diva moment that every girl wishes for is something I can't stand lately. I can't fight myself to like it, I can't force myself to accept it, I am messed up badly and giving a pathway for emotions to develop will just get someone hurt. The chase, the game, the fun all of it will lead to the pain that has no pleasure mixed with it. My trip through the ruins of humanity may never end, my efforts to restore it may never end, my faith in humanity may never manage to escape me, but their faith in me is what ultimately scares me. 

With all my confusion, faith and love, 

Shorty 

[theshortikoo]

Reflection of a ghost

There is a tornado blowing hard inside my head. I can't stop it. I can't stop swirling around inside it not knowing how or where will it end and take me with it to a place that I don't know if I wanna end up there or not. Why is it that we turn into monsters? Freaks dying to get out of our own innocence? Why?

I've been thinking for days, wondering deeply on how I got to be who I am today and then I wondered if I'm proud of what I have turned out to be and I wondered a little more and thought am I who I want to be or am I still lost on a self seeking path; taking one road after the other expecting to find myself at every path, road, and corner. Yet I never found what I was looking for in me, is it because I never really knew who I wanted to be? 

All of those who know me well, predict greatness in my future yet I am the only one who can't find greatness in what I am or want to be. They have that faith in me that I have lost in myself. Yes, here is the problem; I have lost faith in myself to try and have faith in everyone else. When I had no faith in people, when I had no faith in anything but myself I felt fulfilled and accomplished with every little step I took forward. But today I don't have that faith in me anymore. I have faith in people, I get my happiness from theirs, my smiles from theirs, even my agony and heart breaks is from theirs. I have become a reflection... a mirror to people. I reflect their emotions and their feelings. I've got lost in the midst of this process to the point where I don't know how I feel anymore. I think I don't even know if I can feel anything anymore.

I think I am now torn. I have only my innocence to hold on to regardless of how inconvenient that may be. I have to regain my faith in myself even if it means that I am to lose my faith in people again. I have to carve my destiny with my own bare hands through the concrete walls of life. I have to be the cold hearted bitch again and honestly I miss her. I really do.

With all my love and very little faith,

Shorty  

[theshortikoo]

Destroy

On the path of self destruction I have walked. I walked in that path by choice. Nothing drove me or forced me into it. I just walked it, knowing that I am destroying everything in me as I went down that road. I still live my life not regretting it. 

I bounced back. You see I guess a good girl can never really go bad or can she? As I started drinking my way through life thinking that this way I am rebelling or kicking life in the butt. I got mine kicked. I don't mind it. I don't mind it because walking down that path for a while has showed me that I am something that I can't change. I can't drink myself to oblivion and enjoy it. Walking down that path has showed me the reality of some people, I thought one day where the closest to my heart. As it turns out life had a different saying... I'm not that close to them as I favored to be. They walked out on me once I hit rock bottom of my own morality. I don't regret it because I have passed on my morality to them. 

If we all would never fall down that path, how would life be for us? We are the victims of our own mortality. We attempt to fall down and stand up again; you can call it resistance or perseverance or even just a word as plain and as simple as strong. When I walked out of the path to self destruction I realized that I am on to a quest for answers that I might one day never find but it sure as hell doesn't harm to try. 

I gained as much as I lost. Yes, what ever is left of my heart if any is left is a little shattered, distracted and broken but I'm still breathing and I'm still functioning which only showed me that even I can't break myself. I can't be more proud of myself or more thankful to life for walking me there and showing me the truth that I was too blind to see. 

With all my love,

Shorty

[theshortikoo]

The guide

Something I noticed lately; despite my belief that we are all unique and each has his/her own mark in life and in the lives of people that are in their lives. The difference starts with their names. Even if you meet a lot of people who happen to have the same name; your tone and pronunciation to that name will differ from a person to another. 

Ask me how? Each person has a different vibe right? Our bodies get that vibe and it will be transcended into us in various ways, like how your voice tone changes when you pronounce those names. Not only when you're happy, indifferent, or sad to see those people but it's reflected and changes through the vibe that the personality sends to you. 

When I looked more into it I discovered that human bodies and their relationships are very peculiar and I really do like the word 'peculiar'. We are physical creatures; our eyes talk and we can read them, our bodies can talk, our voices give a strong insight on how were feeling. I focused a little more and I realized that it's almost impossible to see two people have the same body expressions even if they're talking about the same thing. How you can know whose lying and whose hurt and whose trying to avoid being cornered to say the truth.

We are open books to each other and then we claim that to each we are a mystery. We are unraveled but because we ignore things that are in fact our guide to each other's hearts.

Tip of the day: Be guided into the heart of those you love, they always leave a door open for you so don't miss out on it. 

With love,

Shorty 

[theshortikoo]

And she's back!

I've decided to change my life. I'm back on track when it comes to work but its not enough. There is so many wrongs to make right. There is a lot of things that I need to let go of. There is even more people to walk away from.

2013 was a good year and a bad one too. 2014 I decided to change my life to the better for me. I need to be okay. I need to feel okay, I need to breathe okay. I love life nothing can change that. I'm leaving to Aswan tonight. The Short Chick Adventures are about to begin. I need to be sure that I have moved on. I need to make sure that I stop thinking about him. 

I'm so excited for tonight. I can't wait to get on a plane again. I can't wait to close my eyes and sleep up in the air among the clouds. I miss that lake. It's greenish blue water, the mountains, the sand dunes, the temples. The three different eras that you see once you walk out of the airport and head towards the city. 

Conclusion: No one can ever change your life without you allowing them, but some people can open your eyes to the change you can be, the change you don't want to look at, the change you're missing out on. The change that's best for you. To that person who opened my eyes and pointed out the path for me... I thank you. 

Lots of Love,

Shorty