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toallthoseboys · 4 years

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Of Long Nights and Restless Days

Did you know that not everyone can verbalize the thoughts in their heads? Not everyone has their own narrative like those voiceovers you keep hearing when you watch a scene from a movie or a TV series. Imagine having your life, your thoughts, being heard by a studio audience. Just the thought of it makes me shudder. Oh the creepy thoughts in my head… So instead of driving myself slowly insane, I thought it would probably be best to type them up instead and let you – my non existent readers be the judge of my sanity.

Nights like this in particular are my trigger factor. Having just watched a weird romantic Filipino film about a couple of prostitutes falling in love with each other (Damn, that Sue Ramirez woman can act!), I’m in a sort of sappy mood. Great choice of having Migraine by Moonstar88 be their movie theme song, by the way. It did just enough to push me over the edge. Next thing I knew, I’m firing up my laptop and typing. I still have my 24 hour duty waiting for me tomorrow or around 6 hours from now, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, shall we?

It’s been a while since I saw a Tagalog movie, shot in, of course, Metro Manila. It wasn’t long ago when I was just there for my PLE review. I cursed that place and vowed never to return — except for conventions or some vacation days. During my stay, I couldn’t help but hope that I would run into someone who’s based in Manila now. Yes, I know. I’m a horrible person for expecting a guy to pop in back into my life when I was/am with someone right now. And that is one of the many reasons why I’m writing. Judge me, go ahead. But don’t you dare deny that at one point in your life, you never thought about how it would’ve worked it with someone else? Please tell me that I’m not the only one here?? In any case, let me vent.

I had this guy friend back in elementary ( I know!). He was my crush and my entry point as to why I’ve become such an obsessive romantic, and yes, we do exist. He knew I liked him and I knew he liked me. On my birthday, he gave me a pair of blue faux earrings. He had to ask his yaya to give it to me. Looking back, I couldn’t help but smile. HAHA. Young love, am I right? I didn’t know much about him. I remember talking to him about a lot of things but now, I couldn’t remember what they were. All I remember is having these strange yet strong feelings for this boy. I think he was my first relationship, if you count being kilig over texts, a relationship. No proper date or anything. Not that I would have gone through with it though. Strict ang parents, eh. At this point, I’d like to give a shout out to my mom and dad who might be snooping through my files. Hi mom and dad! Also I’m sorry but you’re about to read a whole lot of disobedience coming your way. Love you!

As I was saying, there were no dates. No holding of hands, no peck on the cheek. We did text a lot. Laugh all you want but by then that was a struggle. Unlitexts didn’t become mainstream up until senior year of high school. So you’re basically cashing in on 1 peso PER TEXT. Jusko. Back then THAT was love. Or at least I thought it was.

I went to high school at a nearby state university because I wanted to stay close to my parents aaaaaand I wanted him to go to the same school right after I graduated. Yes, I’m a cougar. And also, AGAIN, I’m sorry mom and dad! hehe. A couple of months came and went. We still texted each other almost on a daily basis (seriously where did I get all that money for load??) and everything was fine for a while. He was excited to graduate and be in the same school as me. But then, I heard from my sister that he had a thing for his classmate. Damn, boy! I was then introduced to this new entity called jealousy. I stopped replying to his texts after that. I didn’t even want to hear it. My juvenile heart was hurt and was running to the hills. So when he did go to the same school as I was, it got awkward. 3 years of awkward. No conversations. Just the occasional side glances. I graduated high school and moved to Cebu for college. By then, he’d message me on Facebook whenever it was Christmas and New Year. He never actually missed a single Christmas/ New Year. The last time I saw him was at a reunion at my elementary school. He asked to talk to me. That was the first and last time we spoke since the whole incident. He talked about his new relationship and how happy he was that he found this girl and was in this amazing relationship without hiding anything from the parents. He thanked me for that. It’s been 8 or 9 years since that conversation. I couldn’t really remember much of what we’ve talked about. Since then, he’d still just greet me on Christmas and New Year’s eve.

I think what I’m saying is that there are people in our lives who still hold some weight. Not enough to weigh you down, not too light to be negligible. They just seem to be just… there. No matter how much time has passed, they’d always be just there. Not because you hope that they could be something more. Yes, you sometimes let your mind wander off and maybe think of what might have been. But then you stop yourself. In the end, you’re still thankful for the impact they made on your life. I might forget the details of our conversations but I can still remember how he made me feel. Because of him, and because of too much anime, I have now become a hopeless romantic. It comes as a blessing and a curse, but I’m thankful nonetheless.

#love loss firsts puppylove

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