The Discourseđ
I almost never post on this website because it is bad, and it is bad because our current discourse around social justice media critique has, (very intentionally because it turns out weaponizing rhetoric is more productive for attaining social capital than using it to deconstruct the world) decided that there is no difference between critiquing independent and personal work by queer/trans creators (from lonely teen fanartists to indie darlings) and a million dollar mass produced product workshopped to awkwardly acknowledge our existence, and the reason why these critiques MUST be different is because mass produced narratives made by people who are not us to be sold to us are suspect both in their intentions and their understanding of us while the fanart by queer young folx, let alone any other work by queer independent artists, reflects a portion of their internal truth on some level that must be respected, and if you arenât your intentions in critiquing art betray you.
If you care about art by and for queer and/or trans folx, the self-righteous flame of a callout extends not the slightest bit of care to folx young and old discovering themselvesâyou truest care would be to extend your own interpretation and hope that they listen, not simply because we deserve each otherâs kindness but because you do not own the experience more than any other one of us, no matter how young they are, and you by definition cannot tell them what they feel, because that will never work, itâs patronizing and you would never have listened to the same from another, so instead you should act like a god damn adult and give them tools to better understand the world and why they feel those things, and if youâre not prepared to do that sort of work youâre clearly not cut out for it.
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Amen!!!
Disclaimer: Discussing Dating Politics Is Not Forcing Anyone To Date Anyone
PLEASE DONâT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU DONâT WANT TO.
PLEASE DONâT DATE SOMEONE YOU DONâT WANT TO
When people talk about dating politics, nobody is saying you should get involved with someone you donât want to be involved with.
When I suggest that social prejudice is a factor in someone having a âpreferenceâ or a âruleâ that they will not date people of a marginalized population, I donât want that person to start dating folks from that marginalized population! Think about it for a second. If you are acting from social prejudice, the last thing I would want is you impose that upon someone who is vulnerable to it.
For example, one person wrote me an ask a while ago about a friend who was dating someone who was trans. He wanted to be okay with it, but freaked out about it when they had sex, and eventually decided he couldnât handle it and ended the relationship. His friend asked me if this was transphobic. My answer had two main pieces.
#1 - Yes, that kind of disgust and feeling âgrossed outâ is kinda the definition of transphobia, (and thereâs a huge difference between lack of attraction and disgust)
#2 - Ending things was the right decision. Iâd like to hold him up as someone acting with integrity when he ended things. Because seriously, having sex with someone who is disgusted by your body can really fuck you up. He recognized that, and was acting in both his and his exâs best interests when he ended things.
But nonetheless, every time I mention anything about influences of transphobia in dating habits, the immediate response is that Iâm trying to shame or coerce people into having sex they donât want. I want to say thatâs not me, thatâs on you. Iâm not even saying that youâre a bad person for having internalized transphobic messages - I did too, along with every trans person I know.Â
So if you feel so insecure about your credentials as a person who acts with integrity that you would consider having sex with someone who you find disgusting and emotionally damaging them as a result, and if that scares you so much that you use it as an excuse to shut down any discussion about social prejudice in dating, then you have a problem much larger than who you would date or have sex with.
The personal is political, people. Iâm not going to stop talking about dating, sex, and oppressive power. Please stop trying to shut me down just because youâve turned me into a reflection of your own fears.
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Iâm really tired of seeing people broken up into labels of absolutes.
People are not just âgoodâ or âbadâ.
People are not a list of labels.Â
People are complex, situations are complex.
I know, that makes it a lot harder when you want to just write off everything someoneâs ever done as bad â but thatâs not how people actually are, and it would do everyone good to stop pretending they are.
I am tired of hearing about the fear people have in putting themselves out there. And it is a scary thing! Putting yourself out there means subjecting yourself to people who want a really good reason to tear you down, who will jump at the first chance to feel âgoodâ by labeling someone else as âbadâ.
I reject this. I reject the idea that there should be fear in speaking up and talking about experiences and trying to reach an understanding of a situation.
Iâm unhappy to see people spitefully urging others to cut off ties with their friends under the guise of âwell, that personâs just inherently bad, so if you talk to them youâre bad too.â That is fucked up. You definitely have the right to let the friend know you donât want to hear about whoever troubles you, but you do not at all have the right to decide who their friends should be. This includes guilt trips.
Anyway, just try to be more aware of others. Everyone else is a person like you. They might not have the same experiences as you. They might not understand how their words are harmful, or how what theyâre doing is wrong. They certainly wonât if you never tell them.
Most people are trying to be good, but theyâre going to mess it up sometimes. Try to keep that in mind. Even when people do really fucked up shit, sometimes they are trying to do good. âThe road to hell is paved with good intentionsâ and all that.
Nothing gets solved, no growth happens when you put people into a box from which youâll never let them escape.
Yes, you absolutely must be careful about people who have tendencies and patterns that are harmful to you. Sometimes people try to overcome those patterns and they fail, and you have to distance yourself from them: that is the sad reality of life. Sometimes though, they can overcome it. But they certainly wonât if the first thing you do is write them off after a fuck up.Â
Be sincere. Use your best judgment.
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So that what one discovers as one gets older is that being able to live without people is the requirement of life: living without the people you said you did not, would not, and could not live without; and, living without the people who said they could not live without you.
âFamous Tombs: Love in the 90sâ by Masha Tupitsyn (via marginalutilite)
Stung by my own words. (In a good, but sad way). (via mashatupitsyn)
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Our secret weapon for the #queeragenda. One drink...đ
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I love what she has to say about celebrating the parts that don't fit. That's a hard one, but so refreshing.
On May 29, 2014, the issue of timemagazine magazine which proclaimed the âTransgender Tipping Pointâ was revealed with me on the cover. June 1, 2015 a year and 3 days later, Caitlyn Jennerâs vanityfair cover was revealed proclaiming #CallMeCaitlyn I am so moved by all the love and support Caitlyn is receiving. It feels like a new day, indeed, when a trans person can present her authentic self to the world for the first time and be celebrated for it so universally. Many have commented on how gorgeous Caitlyn looks in her photos, how she is âslaying for the Gods.â I must echo these comments in the vernacular, âYasss Gawd! Werk Caitlyn! Get it!â But this has made me reflect critically on my own desires to âwork a photo shootâ, to serve up various forms of glamour, power, sexiness, body affirming, racially empowering images of the various sides of my black, trans womanhood. I love working a photo shoot and creating inspiring images for my fans, for the world and above all for myself. But I also hope that it is my talent, my intelligence, my heart and spirit that most captivate, inspire, move and encourage folks to think more critically about the world around them. Yes, Caitlyn looks amazing and is beautiful but what I think is most beautiful about her is her heart and soul, the ways she has allowed the world into her vulnerabilities. The love and devotion she has for her family and that they have for her. Her courage to move past denial into her truth so publicly. These things are beyond beautiful to me. A year ago when my Time magazine cover came out I saw posts from many trans folks saying that I am âdrop dead gorgeousâ and that that doesnât represent most trans people. (It was news to be that I am drop dead gorgeous but Iâll certainly take it). But what I think they meant is that in certain lighting, at certain angles I am able to embody certain cisnormative beauty standards. Now, there are many trans folks because of genetics and/or lack of material access who will never be able to embody these standards. More importantly many trans folks donât want to embody them and we shouldnât have to to be seen as ourselves and respected as ourselves . It is important to note that these standards are also infomed by race, class and ability among other intersections. I have always been aware that I can never represent all trans people. No one or two or three trans people can. This is why we need diverse media representstions of trans folks to multiply trans narratives in the media and depict our beautiful diversities. I started #TransIsBeautiful as a way to celebrate all those things that make trans folks uniquely trans, those things that donât necessarily align with cisnormative beauty standards. For me it is necessary everyday to celebrate every aspect of myself especially those things about myself that donât align with other peopleâs ideas about what is beautiful. #TransIsBeautiful is about, whether youâre trans or not, celebrating all those things that make us uniquely ourselves. Most trans folks donât have the privileges Caitlyn and I have now have. It is those trans folks we must continue to lift up, get them access to healthcare, jobs, housing, safe streets, safe schools and homes for our young people. We must lift up the stories of those most at risk, statistically trans people of color who are poor and working class. I have hoped over the past few years that the incredible love I have received from the public can translate to the lives of all trans folks. Trans folks of all races, gender expressions, ability, sexual orientations, classes, immigration status, employment status, transition status, genital status etc.. I hope, as I know Caitlyn does, that the love she is receiving can translate into changing hearts and minds about who all trans people are as well as shifting public policies to fully support the lives and well being of all of us. The struggle continuesâŚ
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"I know trans women are women, but..."
[content note: transmisogyny, misgendering, rape]
I am getting more than a little tired of âalliesâ who only think of trans women as women until it becomes inconvenient for them and their view of gender.
You know the type:
"I know trans women are women, but gender-segregated bathrooms exist for a reason."
"I know trans women are women, but it will dilute our message if we stop talking about women in terms of vaginas (or vice versa)."
"I know trans women are women, but women have a right to their own spaces free of any masculine energy."
"I know trans women are women, but they obviously donât have any right to call themselves lesbians."
"I know trans women are women, but you have to understand that your presence could be triggering to rape survivors."
"I know trans women are women, but I have to question the sexuality of any guy who goes out with one."
"I know trans women are women, but you have male privilege so you canât possibly understand what women go through."
"I know trans women are women, but this is a womenâs shelter, so we canât help you here."
And so on, and so forth. If youâre a trans woman, youâve probably heard a ton more examples.
And the thing is, I donât think that most of these people are being deliberately disingenuous (one glaring exception, of course, being a certain radscum lady who shall remain nameless); I think theyâre telling the truth as they see it. I think they really do think of trans women as women.
Except when they donât.
Except when they feel like it would be too hard to reframe an issue in order to include us.
Except when their own unexamined prejudices come to the fore and dominate their approach to an issue.
Except when they realize that walking their talk requires a far more radical shift in their understanding of gender than they are prepared for, or than they ever wanted to attempt.
And so they decide that itâs easier to just revoke our identities situationally â to say that, yes, weâre women, and weâre just as much women as cis women are, but weâre still somehow not woman enough to fit their views, their spaces, their institutions.
Itâs bullshit. But itâs bullshit thatâs all too common. And it hurts.
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I'm drowning in the egg.
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Leelah, your death means something to me. Â I'm so sorry for what you had to endure and I don't blame you for your decision. Â I hope you have some peace now.
Dear society, please listen. Â Please treat us like people. Â Don't let this happen again.
If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue.
Please donât be sad, itâs for the better. The life I wouldâve lived isnât worth living in⌠because Iâm transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but...
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By becoming a Kimchi Patron of ANY amount, you are eligible for surprise gifts! Click the link to see the list of prizes â even pledging $5/month ensures a package of original artwork! Â
If you havenât got a haypenny, then spread the link! Big snuggles to everyone who supports Kimchi Cuddles <3
http://www.patreon.com/kimchicuddles
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"If I could have a simple love, how would it feel and what would it mean?"
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"'cause I don't know how to let you in and I can't let you out."
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i.
here in auckland, there is a pride month.
february is set aside for âgay prideâ
for rainbows and glitter and drag queens
for forgetting trans people exist.
(you tell me pride is for all of us.
point out the T in the acronym.
i tell you that when i walked in the pride parade,
everyone assumed i...
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"They say you like the bad girls - honey, is that true?"
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VERY EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE that I have been talking to awesome poly authors Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert (More Than Two), Louisa Leontiades (Postmodern Woman), and Elisabeth Sheff (The Polyamorists Next Door) about helping with this awesome project! I am offering some of the PRIZES for their crowdfunding campaign, and talking to them about providing illustrations for some of the books. Check it out, yo!
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"Actually, Iâm going by Eris now and she/her pronouns,â I creak out in my current best approximation of a feminine voice.  Iâm in that motherfucking awkward beginning stage of my transition where I have to inform every person in my life who knew me before this past month that I am undertaking the transsexual part of my transition. Â
You see, Iâve been out as transgender for about 5 years now and (mostly) everyone is well-adjusted to the me that identified as male, but beyond just masculine in my identity and presentation.  Androgynously feminine, a-male, and genderless were just a few terms I used to describle myself.  And I still feel that way now, but I also feel that my body/gender is not just feminine, but female.  And now I have to rectify that with my own body, with my friends and family, and with plenty of strangers.
Right now the hardest part is waving at my friends across the unconscious chasm between being practiced at my new name and pronouns & seeing me as a woman.  I understand the unlearning of a reflexive action is a tricky, mentally taxing event that can take time.  I still jump at my old male name sometimes (especially since I have to use it at work).  So, yes, most of the time I do not take it personally that you accidentally used my old name or pronouns.
[Sidenote:] I really resist the urge to judge just how well friends are doing by how important in their mind it is to *not fuck up my name*, but it is hard sometimes. Â I mean, think if you were meeting whatever your equivalent is of a fucking Middle Ages-esque Queen of England and she wanted to use a different name or title. Â Just think how you would fucking make sure you said THE EXACT right thing because your life might actually depend on it. Â Sometimes I feel like my life really is depending on me transitioning and it working. Â But I try to cut people slack and allow them to be human. Â *rant over*
But what I am even more keenly aware of (even though I didnât have the words for it until recently) is when your words indicate you still see me as a man:
"[friend of a friend I have not yet met] is such a great guy, but we just donât know any single women for him that he doesnât know." Â Yes, I am a lesbian and I think my friend who said the above knows that, but their friend at the table who I had just met did not know that. Â And so, by omission, I get dismissed as male. Â
Or, after I inform you of my new name & pronouns, you ask âDo you want me to call you that?â Â Seriously!? Â Do you think I just said it for my own amusement? Â By all means, as one of many relationships in my life, yours deserves the special treatment of getting to call me by whatever you want at my expense. Â Because to you, Iâm âstill the same person.â Â Yes and no. Â Iâm still me, but your perception of me is probably wrongly flavored. Â And so I will get left out of the count of women in the room, or you will call me man or dude, or you will let out some other minuscule hint that, to you, I am still male.
And I will try to shrug it off and move on because I assume youâre at least trying to use my name and pronouns and respect my wishes.  Itâs a much harder thing to know that you respect my person, my body, my own self-definition.  That has a lot to do with allyship.  I want to know that you are an ally of my identity and my power to self-define.  I want to know you will stand behind my ability to act in whatever authentic way I feel and none of it could make me any more or less woman than I already am.
Thatâs what I want to ask for when I ask you to use my new name. Â But people (especially a lot of well-meaning LGBT people) tell me to be patient and considerate, even with those who are rejecting my identity. Â Why must we suffer more? Â First we must suffer the rejection outright and then they want us to suffer the continued rejection, which in some ways completely validates their perspective in lieu of mine.
Iâm pained and Iâm writing this out of pain and anger and fear. Â I accept the current bias of my situation. Â I accept that Iâm not on the other side. Â I just want to make it there in one piece, with my head held high and true friends at my side.
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Small steps are still steps, right? Â
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