trashrkdjddjdj - Tumblr blog

[trashrkdjddjdj]

I need to learn how to manage my emotions better. Not every negative feeling I have needs to be a mountain of despair. Sometimes, I can be just sad and disappointed. It's ok to feel that way and to let your brain digest it. Then tomorrow morning will be better and we will find a way to sort things out.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

Parfois il faut savoir laisser les choses mourir. Et ça, ça en fait partie. J'ai pas le coeur pour supporter que ma famille soit une roue de secours. Que je n'arrive pas à m'identifier à la culture. Ça me fait trop mal.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

I'm so freaking mad. I was never made to be part of that culture. You NEVER taught me anything. And now you expect me to come and go dance with you ? Have you ever taught me any dance ? I don't know how to move, I don't know how to dance, and you're mad at me for not partaking in the party ? You should see how much it pains me to feel casted aside because of my lack of dancing ability

[trashrkdjddjdj]

Je suis contrariée par la tournure de cette soirée. Je suis angoissée à l'idée de danser. Et triste que mes oncles aient laissé mon père seul à table. Cette soirée est sympa mais elle me rappelle à quel point on est ostracisé de notre communauté et de notre famille.

Il faut se construire autrement. Ailleurs. Mais comment.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

In the end it was all a lie lmao.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

J'ai des moments assez aléatoires qui me submergent, de tristesse et de colère. J'ai l'impression d'avoir construit un petit radeau de fortune sur lequel voguer et dès que je me mange un petit coup de vent je crains la tempête et ça me rend dingue. Je tombe dans un puits de tristesse, de "j'ai l'impression que je m'en sortirai jamais", "il y a rien qui va", "de toute façon je vaut rien" et je suis en colère contre le monde parce que je vois que ça roule pour les gens autour de moi mais mois je fonctionne en marche arrière. Je suis frustrée, je voudrais pouvoir vivre la vie à pleine dents mais j'ai ce truc en moi, cette prédisposition à rendre le moindre truc grave et dévastateur. J'arrive pas à marcher seule, à me tenir droite et à naviguer dans la vie, j'ai l'impression qu'il me faudrait une canne. Mais je sais pas quelle canne. Quoi. Qui. Comment. J'ai l'impression d'être misérable

[trashrkdjddjdj]

Je crois pas qu'il y ait de fin heureuse pour moi. Une fin, il y en aura une. Mais quand, comment, où...

Que le Seigneur apaise mon cœur meurtri. J'ai si mal.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

I've realized how envious and jealous I've become of women who are beautiful and skinny over the last few months. I wished I could look gorgeous as well. I feel like the way I look now and my mental state prevents me from living meaningful experiences. I hate how I feel like I'm missing out on important moments of my life. I need to make a change.

I keep that phrase in my mind. I'd rather suffer the hardship of change than suffer the hardship of staying the same.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

I did it and it went surprisingly well !!!

I truly think the people I work with are amazing. The vast majority is super kind and there is a good vibe. The issue is that I just can't connect with the missions I'm given. I hate working on contractual stuff, I've barely been given any juridical work and I'm scared of not developing my competences enough or worse, losing what little knowledge I have.

At first I was scared of not being able to tell them about me wanting to leave my job after the end of my temporary contract but now I've come to terms with the fact that it's a necessity to talk about that matter, rather sooner than later. Now, I guess I'm more anxious about how long I have left here.

Honestly, aside from my superior who really seems to like me, I think most will be glad I'm leaving lmao. I am not doing enough of a good job, I'm aware of that. Wether it is a consequence of my lack of motivation or me simply lacking ability regarding contractual matters, I don't know. But I don't think I want to fight hard enough to figure out which one it is.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

Things have been going smoothly lately.

I have been feeling a bit down today because of two instances that made me feel inadequate.

My friend didn't remember we were supposed to go to a concert together. It hurt my feelings a bit because I've been thinking about it a lot and... Well she visibly was not. She also said that if she didn't buy the tickets (she didn't remember buying them) it was great another person was at least coming with me, which suggested that she wouldn't have bought a ticket if she hadn't bought it prior to me remembering her about it. It sucks and it just brings me back to that awful place where I feel less than wanted and inadequate.

The second instance is the international ed gc I'm in. I feel like whenever I speak it's awkward and very few people react to my messages. It's probably due to a language barrier and my English not being proper enough. But it sucks because I feel like it prevents me from creating meaningful relationships with others.

Well, there are days like that I guess

[trashrkdjddjdj]

J'arrive pas a redescendre

[trashrkdjddjdj]

I think 2024 is the year I'm gonna throw everything by the window. I can feel it, I've reached my breaking point in so many ways.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

I hate how down I'm feeling now.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

I do not want to drink tonight.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

I need to calm down a bit but doing nothing for 3 fcking hours makes me run out of patience.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

It makes me even madder because I could have been with my other friends had I not planned this trip before making sure nothing was planned with them.

To be perfectly honest I'm irritated rn. We've spent the whole day home aside from going to the restaurant. We've been in bed for three ours without doing anything. I guess they're "resting" before going out for the new years eve but come on, we already woke up at 12. And I do not want to go out and get wasted all night. I wanted to wander the streets and see the Christmas market but hey.

I know I could talk and just go out on my own but I just know it'll be perceived as me being upset and I just do not want to deal with that.

[trashrkdjddjdj]

To be perfectly honest I'm irritated rn. We've spent the whole day home aside from going to the restaurant. We've been in bed for three ours without doing anything. I guess they're "resting" before going out for the new years eve but come on, we already woke up at 12. And I do not want to go out and get wasted all night. I wanted to wander the streets and see the Christmas market but hey.

I know I could talk and just go out on my own but I just know it'll be perceived as me being upset and I just do not want to deal with that.