tremendouslyjollydelusion

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

Cru: take this.

Goo: stop. Please. That's enough.

Cru: come on, keep going. Just a little bit more.

Goo: I can't, please, shut it down. Just go ..

Cru: sorry, kid. It can't be stop, just keep going, take it in, live with it.

Goo: ugh.. fine.. but..

Cru: nah nah nah nahh.. keep going, and move on.

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

Walls Within Walls

Spoiler, Long Read - Get Comfy Before You Read, Thx

This is not about me. It's about you, him, her, them, or maybe its about us, yes, all of us.. This is about someone out there who might felt the same way. I used to be very... I don't how to say it.. Hmm Open? Welcoming? Accepting? Social? Nicer -ish?? 🤔 I don't know. Haha. Well, let's just say used to be all those things...

One day, something popped up.

"Hey, we have good news, we have a big plan for us, and this is happening. So, we want you to be prepared like really prepared."

I was like, sure thing, I'll prepare, just like that without thinking it twice, taking it lightly. So, I prepared, prepared, and prepared. Day by day turned into weeks, one - two - three weeks, turned into months. Four - five - six months, turned into years.

As the time went by, things got quite a bit good. I mean, family, friends, close ones, loved ones, friendly acquaintance, lovely neighbours, school, university, (such a spoiled fcuking brat! Lol) all the things that most people wanted, which I am very greatful of. Well, not all the good things, there were a lot of down time and sad momments too which I am also kind of grateful to happened. You know, there's always a lesson or two that you can take when things are going so good or rock bottom.

Where was I? 🤔

Oh yeah, when things were kind of going quite a bit well, building my so called Social Empire-ish or most of you can call it "life" haha. Ignoring the purpose of what am I preparing for, honestly, I almost forgot, and I don't give a fcuking damn about that "big plan". I just went full throttle on life, fun all night and day long mode. Haha.

Where was I again? Sorry I got distracted a lot. Lol.

Yea, so, things was going quite well if don't mind saying that?? I guess? 🤔 Yeah, that's okay, I'll edit later on. Well, IF anyone even read it lol.

Okay, stay on track. Wow, this is harder than I thought. Lol

Let's keep this simple, after everything that happened all those years that I forgot what I worked for, the day that I thought it won't happen anytime soon. is happening, right now. Well, not now now you know? I mean back then now? You know what I'm saying? Lol

Yes, things some how eventually popped up again..

"Hey, heads up big guy, you know the thing that we told you all those years ago, the big plan for us? It's happening in a few days. Like it's happening dude, finally."

I was like, woww that's great, cool cool.. just give me a moment. And in that moment, things got really slow, just like in the movies you know, slow-motion, screen turned into grey, and slowly turned into the dark then flashbacks every to every happy sad good bad moments that happend from all those years.

I was like, wow, that was quick. Do I really wanna do this? I mean I can still choose, they gave me options.. but again all those years that I worked for. Wait, no, when I think back again. All those years they worked for, their sacrifices a lot things, not just their jobs, they have family and friends too. They dedicated their life for me. Time ladies and gentlemen, their time for me.

So, yeah, I will spare you the details. Lol

My head keeps telling me, dude what the hell, what about your school here? Can you like finish it first?

In my thought I was like can you even finish it on time?? I was like, maybe I could..

In my thought I was like just finish it, its only one more year! You can do it? I was like, can I really?

My other thoughts was like, what about your friends? The gangs? Close ones? Love ones? Your family here? Grandmas??? Who's gonna take care of her?? She live with your family for a reason, right??

Yeap, it didn't end well with her, I thought leaving my friends will be hard, but I was fcuking wrong. Lol. My friends, I knew them all, I spent more time with them rather than stay at home, because I knew I won't be around with them soon, so yea, I did what I did.

But not with her, one of the reasons that kept me well fed, cared for me I guess for all those unique years. Of course she cared for me, for fcuk's I'm going to hell for this.😂😭😂😜😂 Yes, I am not quite a good person, I didn't knew her well, for 20 years I spent my life with her, I didn't knew her that well. I know I know, shame on me, go on, tell me something I don't know lol. Tell me something new, I love being judge, I guess. Lol.

Pheeeewww.. that brings back all the emotion. Shee-it, daaayumm, that was good.😭😂

So, yea, if you're still reading, you know what to do, don't make the same mistake that I did. If not, well, I'm okay with it😄

And yes, for my friends, I guess I was knew all along from the start. I just hate the fact that I'm going to leave them, which I did. So I just forget about it and act like the big plan was just a plan that will happen not so soon hopefully. Well, it isn't but it feels so fast, you know?

So, I just kept it to myself, plus they told me not to tell, so yea, why would I want to tell people that ridiculous plan (at first) until it's actually happening lol. However, I kept it to myself for years, until I vaguely remember it. You'd be surprise what your mind capable of if you started believing it, keep saying it over and over.

Eventually, gotta tell some of my close friends that I'm leaving in a few days. I didn't tell all of them, not because they're not important, no, they really do, I mean genuinely, they're the ones besides my family that helped me to be person that I am today and they still do even from a thousand miles away, which I am very grateful to have them in my life.

I think it's too much for me to say goodbyes to all of them. Also, I understand that not everyone can have time too you know, I'm just a guy, and they're about to started their life too, finishing school, college, uni, having a family perhaps at that time?? Finding out their true purpose of their life. They have their own things to do, most likely had busy agenda too, and I'm just a small potato who lives in big tiny world called Earth and about to leave to another side of the Earth you know.

So, yeah, it was really nice and moving goodbyes, and obviously sad, but a little happy too, not happy leaving them though. It's just nice, felt the warmth in my heart. Lol

Long story not that short, here I am, a thousand miles away from home. It was not easy for me to come and live here in Canada, to leave every thing behind your family, friends, relatives, loved ones, your home. To press that reset button, build everything from zero. Well, not exactly from zero, my family have some friends that could help us settling and guide us to the right path. But for me, it was quite the journey, that reset button though. Boiii, turned my world upside down, different culture, different road, rules, diverse people with different cultures, and plus I have to learn how to socialize with them. I've been prepared for this my whole life, studied English my whole life, its been almost five years since I got here, yet, still don't know how to write, speak, listen properly. Haha.

Most importantly I have to learn to trust again, with everything that's going on in my head and emotions. It feels like I build this thick walls around me, not letting people in somehow. I don't how, it's not the people here though. Most people here are genuinely nice, friendly, and helpful if you know how to properly interact with them.

It's just me that somehow build these thick walls. Maybe some of you have these feelings ??🤔 If you do, give me a heads up, will you?😄

Also another reason why I write this post is because I recently got a new job, nothing fancy, just dishwashing job in a restaurant. Lol. But they welcomed me pretty good, we have a great team, everybody helping everyone, feels familiar, you know. Everybody keep checking how's everyone's doing. Making sure everything is okay, undercontrol, everyone got each other's back, feels fun, safe, feels like home.

But then again, there's so much trust here. The problem is the things in my head, the other part of me that build these thick walls that keeps me in my solitary palace. Which sometime its nice you know, you have a quite place just you and the Creator. Its just nice and tiny little big white box with everything you need inside of it and thick solid walls around it which has hidden doors that only you can open it from the inside.

For the record, I actually do trust them, you know, the work place and it's people, they want me to be comfortable when I work, but they also want to help me to get things done efficiently and being able to do and learn a lot more than just washing dishes, such cooking, etc. help me build up and align my goals with the company goals, within a certain time or deadlines. Not so bad afterall, besides the crazy amount of heavy work. I could use some support and push from them. Thank you for that, genuinely.

I guess that's about it for now, I know it's sounds silly, but I actually do have the answer for this perticular issues, it's in this post. Hidden somewhere, but not so hidden behind these thick walls Lolol. However, I also know that it's not the best solution or answer to solve this issues, but if you do have something, please do share it here with me, I could use some unique feedbacks, both for the issues and the English hahha.

So, yeah, I guess this is it, if you're in this section thank you for reading patiently. If not, well, I hope you have a good day or night, whereever you are, whenever the time is there. Again. Thank you and sorry for the terrible grammar. I really appreciated.

Sincierly,

H.R.

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

W . H . Q . ?

So, now what?? What else do you want or need? Are you done? Is that enough? Will it be ever enough? If not, how much more? For how long this is gonna take? How much time do you have left??

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

“Monday Mundane Crosswalk” 🚶‍♂️🚶‍♀️🚶🚶‍♂️🚶‍♀️🚶🚶‍♂️🚶‍♀️🚶🚶‍♂️🚶‍♀️🚶 .

.

.

(at Yonge-Dundas Square) https://www.instagram.com/p/BpbicSpAcaS/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1g0nwzmfmxu5t

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

It was both my brightest and darkest days

Weirdo

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

Antiquated, overrated, social whores

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

"You're just trying to get away from yourself"

- I See Stars

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

Aill tou rver trow ip?

I don't know..

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

Seek discomfort?

Internet

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

roaring thoughts

you : can't you sleep?

her : nah, not really.

you : why?her : you know why.

you : seriously -_-"

her : the night might be silent, but not here. not up here. its roaring.

you : what's roaring?

her : the thoughts. roaring thoughts. find it hard to shut it off.

you : whoa, you off your meds? you're crazy. you need help. seriously.

her : ... don't we all? what else's new?

She smiled.

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/5bGJATHUSDsu5YbZMSWhC2?si=sTppyuFMQYWNqnARdpyrlQ)

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

that issues

them : i don't think so, you had enough, right?

you : but why??

them : because we want to.

you : ...

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

let it wonder, child.

your lazy thoughts

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

another late night wonder, wondering the night wanderer who wonders in awe “Oh I wonder, what if.. ”. “why oh why??”. “will you just give me some more space or maybe time??” they said.

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

"Bugs" 🐝🐞🐛🐞🐝 . . . #Fun #Random #Scanned #Doodles #Colorful #Art #Bugs #Trees #Wicked #Drawing #Eyes #Lightroom #PhotoGrid #tjollydelude

[tremendouslyjollydelusion]

My kinnda thing👏

things to do during break: create reading lists and work them off one by one, watch movies in foreign languages, attend lectures or seminars at places you’ve never been to before, discover a new library, visit museums and galleries, send postcards to your friends, take up a new skill like photography/digital drawing, write a daily poem, take an online course on something you always loved, pick flowers and press them, rate 10 cute cafes in town, test how much you can buy for 5$ on a flea market/in second hand shops, just start walking and see where the day takes you, plan a walk/hike/bike tour, start a new blog, create a vision board, write a letter to your future self, go to indie concerts, send cute anonymous messages, try out new ice cream flavors, make your own smoothies, buy artsy magazines, take the train/subway to nowhere, go to a party where you don’t know anyone, ditch a party and spend the whole day reading outside, set up a bullet journal, jot down 5 things you are grateful for each day, create playlist for different moods, try out a new language learning app, unwind and do not use your phone for a day, try meditation, go to a food market, sleep the whole day because you can, go to the theatre/cinema/opera, take aesthetic photos of the prettiest buildings in town