typicalpoetry
Side Blog For My Sadder Thoughts
Extremely private content on an extremely public medium
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rielity
farewell, our paradise
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I am a man. Who happens to have a vagina.
I am not a woman.
Who wishes to be a man.
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I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection on the CTA 92 bus.
I smiled.
I was finally starting to like what looked back at me.
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god. I want to fuck him so bad, it makes me look stupid.
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This is his problem
HE deserves to cry about it
Not me.
#my fucking dad#little baby#I came out tonight#and he told me it was stupid and that I’m making a big mistake#but who the FUCK is he to say what I’m doing is a mistake??#who is he to judge?? on old cishet white man? 🤔
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“Goodnight”
“…”
“Say it back”
“Love you too”
I MEANT SAY GOODNIGHT BACK !!!!!
#ignore me smiling about this#I have to bully him for being cute#j#I s2g this mf got me acting insane
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My heart is heavy.
And all I want to do right now is let it sink me down into a large body of water. Where I’ll meet the same fate as a boat lost at sea.
Let my body feed the lucky sea creatures that find it first.
And turn my bones into ship wreckage. Where at least someone might find it interesting in a few decades.
#friends flaking is hitting me harder than it normally does today#I also haven’t gotten a reply from someone I really wanted to#and I’ve been sick all week#I’m just a little down in the dumps atm
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“I miss you”
That’s so pathetic.
#j#oh god it’s a mushy tags post#but like all I can think about - all that’s making me happy rn - is imagining him showing up at my house and spending the night#I could cry just thinking about it#I might cry at the nibbling thought that breaks thru sayin it’ll never happen#I just believe he could make me happy#and I him#and I just want him to hold me. I want to hold him. I need to be grounded
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Everyone always says:
You’ll recognize love when you see it.
But I thought I recognized it.
Until it walked by again.
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You feel like a jerk because you were acting like a jerk.
And my news does not absolve you of that, it was still a jerk move.
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It’s always the teeter-totter.
The not-wanting-to-say-too-much in case it was the wrong thing to say and stops everything all together. And there’s no comfortable way to stop a seesaw. Not the ones that go so high up, at least.
So up and down we go. Stomach dropping every time gravity catches up to us.
And we’re afraid to voice our feelings, in case our words catch up to us as well.
#j#i don’t want to stop talking#but if I’m part of the too-much on your plate it seems inevitable#life is hard
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“I don’t know if I’m ready for that conversation with you”
WHAT does that MEAN??
#and it was so out of left field??#like we were talking about my GPA ?#and he just sends back the word: fear#and when I press he says that??#confused!!!!!#j
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I feel like my emotions have been turned on
After spending so much time dormant.
And I really wish
I could shut them off again.
At least for a little while
At least until you’re ready
At least until I have somewhere to put them.
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Do I only exist in Omaha to you?
You haven’t told them about me…have you told anyone? Your fiends at school? Do I not exist in Kearney? Are you compartmentalizing that fucking much?
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How the fuck could you say that to me??
How are you dating someone else, but telling me you “can’t be held responsible” for if I do something flirty?
And here I thought you had such strong opinions against cheating. Where’s that energy now? Maybe it’s your friend’s turn to have a confrontation with YOU.
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How is any of this playing out in your mind?
When you think about your life, how are these the right decisions?
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