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12/23

So I went back home fo break and lately I've been arguing with Alessandro and he’s been very rude to me lately. I can tell he’s annoyed whenever I get emotional because he doesn’t seem to tolerate it anymore. I’m sorry if I cry a lot  or “can’t control my emotions” as he would say it. He’s told me multiple times that it’s getting annoying and I can’t help but think he’s just tired of my shit. I can see how it can be annoying if someone is constantly crying about something or can quickly change their emotions. I was upset about something and he kept saying “I get it you don’t want to watch the movie” and I told him that I wanted to watch, but I just needed to solve the issue first. I guess I snapped because he asked me again and I saw it as him not caring about the issue. After that, he said I was rude for snapping at him and he started coming for me that it wasn’t a big deal, which I knew it wasn’t. I was annoyed that he kept asking me to watch the movie when I told him we’ll watch after. I know I shouldn’t have screamed at him like that, but he started saying some mean things to me. It makes me hate myself for constantly being too emotional because clearly I can’t control how I react to things which can be seen as very immature. I felt like I was handling the issue well, but he didn’t let me figure it out and it just frustrated me. This has been happening a lot recently and I feel like I can’t tell anyone about it because I don't want anyone to know. I don't really need advice, just a place to express my thoughts. He’s been telling me that I’ve been annoying lately and I could just tell he’s fed up with my emotional ass. I love him so much and the last thing I’d want is my boyfriend telling me im annoying or incapable of controlling my emotions. He constantly invalidates my feelings by telling me I'm being dramatic. I think that if he didn't like the way I am, I mean the way I truly am...then maybe he's not right for me. and that's the shittiest thing to say because I love him so much and losing him would break my heart. But I have this gut feeling that we don’t have strong communication skills and we’re constantly arguing, then making up, then arguing. Whenever we argue, I always end up crying and I can’t stop myself. I wish I had thicker skin and I guess that’s my own problem. We’re going to a music festival together this week and it was supposed to be the best thing ever. I was also going to move in with him and as of right now I don’t feel like I’d want to do any of those things with him. I don’t know if its because im not physically with him, but I feel like if we were compatible it shouldn't be that hard to be a part. All of this always leads back to me wondering if im just the shitty partner in this relationship, always emotional and dependent and annoying. I end up feeling like complete shit after, like im always the one starting all of these problems. I feel like it really takes a toll on my self esteem and I get very jealous because there’s better people out there who aren’t those things. ://///// ughhhhh

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in love (07/28)

Alessandro, 

Do you know that I love you? I hope you do because I’m never going to stop loving you or telling you that I do. I love you so much to the point that the phrase “I love you” can no longer describe the feelings that I have for you. You’re one of best things that ever happened to me. I’m so blessed to have such an amazing man in my life, loving me the way you that you do. Our love story is so unique and I love telling everyone about it. With you, I can comfortably be myself. I know I can talk to you about anything or just lay next to you in silence. You’re my home. You make me feel safe. I love having you in my arms at night (big spoon vibes) and waking up to your beautiful brown eyes in the morning. You’re so handsome, especially when you smile and your eyes get all squinty. Ever since we started talking, I knew we were special. That the way we talk and laugh around each other is way different than everybody else. I’ve never met anyone that makes me feel the way that you do. I always have this warm feeling in my stomach when I stare into your eyes and kiss your soft lips. I fall for you harder and harder each day. I know how much you love me because I can literally feel it. You make me so happy, probably the happiest I’ve ever been. I enjoy doing most things with you because you’re my partner in crime. I’ve never met anyone as funny, caring, and sweet as you. You’re probably not my dentist’s favorite person if you know what I’m saying. To put in simple words, I love loving you. You make it so easy. You’re like this cute little puppy in need of love and affection. I love the way you love me and how you challenge me to my fullest potential. I know we’re not perfect, but we’re perfectly imperfect. I love every version of you my little chameleon. I got to say spring quarter has been the best quarter because of you. I never expected you to be the love of my life, but sometimes the best relationships are the ones you don’t expect. Falling in love with you was a pure and raw connection created all on its own. When we kiss, my lips just melt into yours and its got to be one of the best feelings ever. Sex is no longer just sex with you. It feels so tender, intimate, and passionate. We have such a deep connection and I can’t imagine sharing this feeling with anyone else. I know not being together this summer has impeded our physical intimacy, but I feel like I’ve grown to love you without all of that. Hearing your lovely voice every day makes not seeing each other a tad bit easier. We have prevailed over many obstacles and I just want to say that I truly am blessed to be loved by you. You have my whole heart and if life was a movie, you’d definitely be the best part. 

[ultrasadgirltings-blog]

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[ultrasadgirltings-blog]

My dear, you are in danger of being burned by your own flame.

Jeanette Winterson (via quotemadness)

[ultrasadgirltings-blog]

07/28

I just had a huge argument with Alessandro. So I basically didn’t turn in my communications application on time and he seemed very disappointed in me, even though I was already disappointed in myself. I know that he was trying to look out for me by telling me the truth about my bad habits, but I already know that this is all my fault. He would joke around and say I never have my priorities straight and I know this. I already feel like shit, but the thing is I have another chance and I did everything I could've done to see if my application went through. At this point, I didn’t need him to tell me things I already knew. I already felt like shit and accepted that I might not get into the major, but I’ll try again next year. I know all my actions have consequences and I fucked up but he didn’t have to do me like that. I know he was trying to be “real” but it doesn’t make it any better. I just needed someone to listen to me. I wasn’t there for any advice and he couldn’t be there for me. I hate that he said I spent my time journaling instead of writing the application. I know I had plenty of time to do it, but I didn’t have anyone else to talk to and I needed to let my feelings out. I know this is very important to my career, but I just felt like shit okay? I’ve been feeling like complete shit these past few days. I can’t even sleep and whenever I do I never want to wake up. I don’t want to do anything because I’m just fucking miserable. I hate doing everything and I know this isn't an excuse for anything, but I just wanted him to understand where I was coming from. He always make me feel like a stupid child that doesn’t know anything. I love venting to him, but I always feel judged and I hate feeling judged so much. I love constructive criticism, but if it isn’t constructive and just straight up criticism, then I don’t care for it. I don't know what’s going on, but these past few days I’ve been arguing with Alessandro so much. Someone who once was my butt buddy is now someone I can’t even look at. Whenever we argue, I can’t even stand looking at him because I feel so uncomfortable. It feels as if he isn’t even my boyfriend. Maybe this summer really is gonna break us apart since we're so “different.” I know he has good intentions, but I don’t need a third parent. He says I don’t have people telling me what’s right from wrong, but who is he to tell me what to do or what not to do. Whenever he does this, he sees it as someone who’s just trying to help, but I see it as an authoritative person trying to tell me what to do. I know in this situation I MESSED UP. People mess up sometimes okay!!!!! I thought I had a good quarter this quarter and he makes it seem like I’ve had no progress whatsoever whenever I do something wrong he immediately makes me feel like I’m not capable of doing anything. and my whole life I’ve always felt like people make me feel the same way. They make me feel so small compared to them, like I’m dumb. I know I’m not dumb and I don’t need anyone to tell me if I am or not. I know where my strengths and weaknesses are. I’m just very very upset. I honestly think we’re not gonna be together. 

[ultrasadgirltings-blog]

07/27

I think Alessandro just blocked me for good. I feel so so much pain my chest right now. I can’t stop crying and it just hurts so bad. Even though we already broke up, I feel like this is the real break up because he said he wants to “cut me off.” I tried calling him, but I think he already blocked me. I can't even describe how I feel right now. I just feel so much pain and I want it to stop. I don’t know how I’m going to spend the entire summer without him. He’s really gone now. I know he loves me and didn’t break up with me because he didn't love me anymore. He broke up with me because he knew that I’m not good for him, especially since he’s studying for the mcat. I want to be supportive and I'm trying really hard not to be hurt. I keep reminding myself that he loves me and if we could be together we would, but I can’t get the image of him not being with me out of my mind. Regardless of the reason, we are not together anymore. I won’t hear his voice or see his text messages this whole summer. I guess the only way for me to not feel as sad is to move on. I don't want to move on because I love him so much and I know he loves me so much, but I just have to. I don’t want to delete our pictures, but in order for me to move on I have to. I can’t dwell on the past memories even though they’re all very precious memories. I’m probably gonna download them all into a google album online and delete them from my phone. Whenever I look at the photos and videos, it makes me think of how I’m not with him and things aren’t the same anymore. I feel like me moving on might change the way I feel about him after the summer, but I’m not certain....about anything really. I’m not even certain he’s going to feel the same way about me. What if he changes as a person and doesn’t wanna be with me anymore or vice versa? I can't think of the future because I would be lying to myself if I said that he will take me back when the summer is over. I don’t really know if that will happen and it would be extremely unhealthy if I was to look forward to that. I’m super sad that this has to happen during the summer because I feel like shit and I don’t wanna do anything but lie in bed and just mope. I miss him so so much, but I was fine before I met him. If our love was real, we’ll end up back together, and if not, I’d still cherish all the memories we made together. He's honestly the best guy I’ve met and I’m super sad that we’re not together. I hate endings so so much. I hate crying so much. I hate being in pain. I know we just stopped talking, but I want to get over this phase of just being hurt because it hurts so much and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it. I just need time to heal, but I wish the process would go faster. 

[ultrasadgirltings-blog]

first night not talking (07/24)

I feel this pain in my chest like my heart just sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Salt water is just leaking from my eyes and I am finally one with the ocean. I miss Alessandro so much. He's my favorite person and I don’t know how I’m possibly going to survive the summer without seeing him and talking to him. I know that this is for the best, but this fucking sucks so much. Whenever I’m with him, he makes me so happy. I feel so shitty at home. My mom and brother doesn’t pay attention to me. After finding out what my mom has been doing, I can’t stand talking to her and being around her. She makes me so mad, especially when she talks about my dad and how we should go somewhere together as a family. I don’t know for sure yet if she’s cheating on my dad with another man, but the thought will not go away from my mind. All my friends are out right now and I don’t know how to cope with all of this. I just want to sleep for a really long time and hope that when I wake up I can see and talk to Alessandro again. I keep listening to our playlist and I just miss him so much. I try really hard to be happy and make best of the situation that I am in, but I can only do so much. I want to talk to my mom about the whole cheating thing, but I’m so afraid that it’s true. We literally went to go watch a movie with my brother and she was just on her phone the entire time! I was so upset because she wasn’t paying attention to her own children. I just feel so angry and extremely sad. I don’t know how to express these feelings in a positive way. I feel like utter shit. I just wanna go home and that says a lot since I am home!! I miss the way things were when my mom wasn’t cheating on my dad and my boyfriend was still here. I’m also so afraid that Alessandro won’t love me the same way when we see each other again this summer. I know we love each other so much, but three months is so long. I’m afraid he’s going to forget about us and the hurt feelings of not being together will slowly fade away. He’s going to be completely fine without me, and when he realizes that, he won’t want to be with me anymore. I just have so many thoughts and I want this summer to be a good one. I hate crying so so much. I stay up all night thinking about him and my mom. I wish I could wake up and all my problems would go away, but that never happens. So honestly I’m just gonna have to stay strong. It’s so easy type that you wanna “stay strong” but to actually stay strong is a completely different thing. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.