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December 2017
Chapter Two
December 24, 2017
I looked at the clock for what seemed to be the hundredth time and still, it seemed to have remained glued on 8h56. I reached for my jacket, unable to stand in the heated house any longer. It was suffocating. I zipped it up before walking out into the cold air. Crossing my arms on my chest, I wondered whether it was possible for a heart to rip a chest open. My thoughts were silenced by the loud thumping of my heart and my entire body seemed to be pulsating to its beats. The cold was reassuring, and the snow comforting. Regardless of what happened, the weather was a constant that made sense and grounded me in reality. We would be lucky enough to get a white Christmas. It was kind weather, it had snowed in the night and everything seemed to be covered in a perfect layer of white. There was little to no wind, which only made it easier to enjoy. For a second, it seemed as though I was staring at a perfect painting, a perfect representation of my quiet neighbourhood and all of the memories attached to my childhood. I could almost see myself  as a child, running on the road in a full winter suit with Olivia seated on the sleigh that I worked so hard to pull. She was laughing, that perfect laugh of hers. She had always existed so effortlessly and beautifully. It was sometimes hard to fathom that she was in fact real. 
-”Hi”, a quiet voice said, startling me out of my thoughts. My eyes quickly darted towards it and in the same instant remembered to breathe. I inhaled deeply and watched Olivia pull her adorable hat over her ears.
-”Hi”, I repeated, trying to discern any emotion in her face. “How are you?” She stepped closer to me and pointed to the sidewalk. 
-”Should we walk?”. She had ignored my question and I couldn’t help but wonder if she was offering me a hint into how this conversation would go. 
-”If you want to”, I replied, gesturing that I would follow her direction before shoving my hands into my pockets. 
-”Levi told me”, she huffed, keeping her eyes fixed onto the ground. I held my breath as my heart palpitated. We remained silent until she spoke again. “I wish I could’ve heard it from you. I understand that we’re not as close anymore, but why won’t you come to the wedding?”
-”I’m sorry, what?”, I asked, confused as to why she would think that I would miss it. 
-”He said that you’d told him that us getting married made you feel sad because you’re lonely”, she explained looking annoyed. 
-”That’s not what I said Olivia, that’s not what I told him at all”, I exclaimed trying to contain my anger. 
-”Why would he lie?”, she snapped back, stopping dead in her tracks to face me. I allowed myself to get lost in her eyes for a second before shaking my head from left to right. 
-”Why would I lie, Olivia?”, I retorted sadly. 
-”Are you coming to the wedding then?”, she replied, trying to lock eyes with me again. 
-”Only if you want me to. I’m not certain you’ll want me to after I tell”, I started before she cut me off. 
-”Why wouldn’t I want you to? What did I do to make you think that I wouldn’t want you there? I invited you, didn’t I?”. I squeezed my eyes shut, allowing the silence to settle between the two of us. We had once been so comfortable sharing silence, now I felt out of place, I felt almost obligated to fill every breath with small talk or endure uncomfortable awkwardness. We used to look at each other and know what the other was feeling and thinking. Now, she only looked like the person I was so deeply in love with. I didn’t even know if the girl I had known as a teen still existed. Her lips were stretched thin and her eyes were pressing me for an answer but she seemed to know that she needed to be patient. I wondered if she still felt she knew me the way she had before. 
-”I did speak to Levi last night, and I did tell him something, but it had nothing to do with your wedding. It was about me and how I feel”, I started, before pausing to give myself a chance to catch a breath. I felt my heart tighten anxiously in my chest and a part of me hoped that my coming out wouldn’t cause me to lose her while also being painfully aware that I already had lost her years ago. “I am gay”, I said in almost a whisper, feeling my heartbeat accelerate as I waited for an answer. Her face seemed to grow kinder, and a delicate smile appeared on her lips. She reached for my hand and squeezed reassuringly into hers while pulling me a little bit closer. 
-”Ellie, do you really think that changes anything for me?”, she asked gently. 
-”I don’t know, Olivia. I just, I’m, that’s not everything”, I stuttered, trying to allow her warm smile to calm me down. 
-”What is it then?”, she asked encouragingly.
-”I’m in love with you, I always have been, and I’m sorry that I never said, I just didn’t want to ruin what we did have because of something we could never have”, I rambled, but stopped when my eyes met hers. They seemed glazed over and I wasn’t sure she could even hear me anymore. I let go of her hand and rubbed her arm gently to try to bring her back to reality. “Olivia?”. Her eyes slowly moved to focus back on me. I tried to read her face, but was left with no answer. “Olivia?”, I repeated. Her hand moved up to press itself over her heart, as she seemed to force herself to swallow, “Please say something, anything. Olvia? please?”I begged. 
-”I’m sorry”, she mumbled, “you’re in love with me?”
-”I am trying not to be”, I said quickly, “I’m happy for you and Levi, I really am, I’m so glad you have each o”. She stopped me from finishing my sentence by placing her fingers over my lips. I got a hold of her wrist and slowly brought her hand down. 
-”Stop, just stop for a second”, she continued. 
-” I’m so”, I tried before being shut down again. 
-”No, Ellie, just please..”, she huffed before turning around to face away from me. I quietly watched her pace back and forth. After what seemed like five minutes of dead silence, I couldn’t stop myself from talking again. 
-”Should I go Olivia? We don’t have to do this right now if you feel like you need some time to process this”. She spun around quickly and delicately placed her hands on my cheeks. 
-”I love you too”, she said seriously, holding my face tighter. 
-”I know, I never thought that you didn’t, I just knew you could never return my feelings”, I explained. 
-”No, I do”, she said, and I looked at her with confusion plastered on my face, “I do love you”, she finished. She seemed to be looking for specific information in my eyes, but did not appear to find it. Her hands slid from my cheeks to the collar of my jacket and I could tell in that moment that she had made a decision. I had no clue what it was until I realised that her face was rapidly inching closer and closer to mine. My mouth slightly spread open in shock a millisecond before I felt Olivia press her lips gently onto mine. Without hesitation, my arms slid around her waist and swiftly pulled her closer to my body while hers snaked around my shoulders. All of my fears and anxiety seemed to evaporate as her lips parted to invite me in. The tip of my tongue brushed against her lips before meeting hers. I felt as though I was melting into her. The kiss felt urgent and perfect. Despite the cold winter weather, I was on fire. The love I had felt for her throughout all of these years seemed to gather itself in a ball of electricity before exploding in my stomach and making me weak at the knees. I held onto her tightly, reveling in the softness of the kiss. I never wanted it to end, but it did. She slowly slid out of my embrace and took a step back allowing us enough space to stare at each other. We both seemed to take a few seconds  to catch our breaths. 
-”That was amazing”, I giggled, feeling myself blush as I looked down at my boots. 
-”I have to go”, she replied calmly, “Levi’s waiting for me”. The mention of his name was like a slap in the face. How could I have allowed myself to forget about his existence? I felt shaky once more. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, I have to go” she repeated. I felt the anger rise in my chest.
-”What do you mean? What does this mean?”, I replied, quickly pointing to my lips and then hers. 
-”I’m really sorry”, is all she mustered the courage to say before allowing herself to walk away from me and the conversation we should’ve been having. 
-”Olivia!”, I yelled, “Why? Why would you do this? Olivia!”. She never turned around. She disappeared in  the same way her fiancé had the night before. I clenched my fist around the center of my jacket and pulled it away from my chest as though it suddenly made me feel incredibly claustrophobic. I felt myself break as an involuntary whimper escaped my lips. Thankfully, I had only just enough self control to make it back into my bedroom before fully breaking down into sobs. It was safe to say that my Christmas had been more than ruined. 
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Stories
December 2017
Chapter One
Chapter Two 
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December 2017
Chapter One
Saturday December 23, 2017
Six was the number of feet dangling in the air from the top of the treehouse balcony. When divided by two, that number equaled the tree of us, Levi, Olivia, and I. I had never known anything different before I’d moved away. 5 years ago we had spent our days running around the yard and having sleep overs in Levi’s tree house. We would have lived there had our parents allowed it. Today was different though, we were grown-ups, the tree house had lost its old charm and its vibrant colours. I had moved to the city, and I’d made a life for myself, a life that didn’t include Levi or Olivia as much as it previously had. I had to move on. I could not allow myself to keep loving Olivia in a way that she could never love me back. Leaving had been the only sane option. I was happy they had found love in each other, but I was unwilling  to put myself through more heartache. Today, unlike in the past, where we had constantly been talking over each other,  we were all quiet, lost in our individual memories. I ran my fingers on the rough wood of the treehouse and looked up at the sky. Life had been so simple in the past, I wish it hadn’t stopped. It was cold out and each of my breaths was slowly disappearing into the dark air to meet the stars. Olivia placed her hand on my knee, gently bringing me back to reality. I turned my head towards her, offering her a friendly smile. She gently squeezed my leg before clearing her throat. 
- “Levi and I have something to tell you”, she said, throwing him a quick glance. 
- “You do?”, I asked, searching her face for a hint. 
- “I proposed”, Levi blurted, reaching for Olivia’s hand as my eyes quickly focused on his, “I proposed last month, in Iceland.”, he finished, and I squeezed my eyes shut, allowing a quick breath to escape my lips. 
- “It was so pretty Ellie, I wish you could have been there. The northern lights, they were gorgeous. It was all so perfect”, Olivia added. I looked away, faking a smile and allowing the silence to settle again. I let the cold air enter my jacket, hoping it would ground me as my brain desperately tried to run away from reality. I knew they would be expecting a reaction, and regardless of the fact that I wasn’t sure which one would be appropriate, I forced my lips to stretch upwards and threw my head back while letting a playful laugh escape my throat.
- “That’s great, you guys, I’m really happy for you!”, I stated, trying to sound as convincing as possible. “I always had a feeling that you guys were meant to be! Where’s your ring? Can I see?” Olivia leaned in, forcing our bodies to  embrace for a long minute. Over her shoulder, Levi offered me a sympathetic smile as if he knew all about the thoughts running through my head. I forced myself to look away, hoping he couldn't actually tell that the reaction I had offered them was not genuine.
- “Thank you”, Olivia whispered in my ear, “thank you, Ellie.” I ignored her words and focused on Levi’s face once more. I had never seen him look so happy and serene and I hoped for Olivia’s sake that they really were meant to be. As for me, I hoped to find someone who would look at me the way Levi looked at Olivia. She pulled back and offered me her hand. A shiver ran down my spine when her fingers rested on the palm of my hand. I looked down at her ring forcing a smile on my lips. God, how I wish Olivia could have been mine.
- “I think I’m gonna go home guys”, I said, plastering a smile on my face, “my mom’s not going to forgive me if I don’t help her bake the desserts for tomorrow’s Christmas dinner”. 
- “Ah right”, Olivia smiled sadly, “Well I’ll call you? Maybe we can meet up one last time before you go back to the city”
- “Yeah, yeah, sure, of course, that would be great”, I replied leaning in for a hug. 
- “It was good to see you”, Levi added, “If we don’t see you before you leave then I guess we’ll at least see you at the wedding?”
- “I wouldn’t miss it for the world”, I laughed, waving goodbye as I made my way down the wooden ladder. As soon as my feet touched the snow covered ground, I allowed the smile to disappear from my lips and turn into a frown. Shoving my hands into my pockets, I picked up the pace to get home as quickly as possible. The further I got from the tree house, the more I became aware of the tears that were now quickly running down my cheeks. I didn’t know what else I could have expected. Boys and girls get married, best friends however do not. I wiped my tears away, but there was no stopping them. I’d lived my whole childhood thinking I’d be the one marrying Olivia. I had been foolish and now, I was alone. My own internalized homophobia had prevented me from coming out to them years ago, and my stubbornness to remain in love with Olivia was costing me my dearest friend. I wasn’t sure how to cope at this point. I’d left this town to move on, and coming back was only pushing me to realize that I had done no moving on whatsoever. 
- “Ellie! ELLIE!”, I heard from a distance. My heart jumped in my chest and I swiftly wiped my tears away before turning around to see Levi jogging in my direction, waiving my mittens in the air. 
- “Ah”, I laughed, “Thanks! No wonder my hands were so cold”, I said, reaching for the mittens. 
- “No probl”, he started before stopping himself to look intently into my eyes, “Why are you crying?”, he asked, squeezing my bicep. A look of concern appeared on his face when I remained silent. I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply. “Ellie?”, he whispered, ”what’s going on?”. I smiled, trying to reassure him. 
- “I’m ok, really. I think I’m just feeling a bit lonely and like I’ve fallen behind, you know. You guys are getting married, you live together, you have a dog, and here I am, alone with myself”, I replied offering him a quiet laugh, “it’s a bit depressing”. 
- “I’m sorry”, he frowned, “I just, I know Olivia means a lot to you, and she means a lot to me too, obviously. You guys can still be friends. You don’t have to pull away just because she and I are together. You don’t know how badly she wishes you’d invite her to stay at your apartment for a couple of days. She misses you, and you obviously miss her.”
- “No, Levi, I’m sorry. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that to myself.”, I  replied firmly, “I need to get home”.  I turned my back on him and started walking away, but he followed. Home had never seemed so far.
“I don’t understand, you used to be so close”, he said looking confused. 
- “Yeah, but then you happened”, I started kindly. “You became her person and I lost mine. And that’s ok honestly, I understand why it happened. You guys fell in love and that’s how things had to go. It’s alright.”
- “I don’t understand”, he repeated. I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to face him once more. I placed my hands in his and squeezed them for a second. 
- “Levi”, I said, “Levi, I’m in love with Olivia too. I love her. So no, we cannot stay as close as we used to be.”, I finished calmly. He squeezed my hands back before letting go to hide them in his pockets. He let out a loud breath and nodded. 
- “Okay.”, Levi replied. He offered me a small smile and started walking back in the direction of his house. Panic settled in the pit of my stomach as I watched his dark figure disappear into the night. I couldn’t help but wonder what this meant and whether or not he would tell Olivia. I kept looking at him, hoping he would turn back to finish the conversation, but he did not. Steadily, he kept walking on and so I did the same as more tears slowly escaped my eyes. It was time to get home. 
I am not certain of when or how, but the tears seemed to have stopped, while my brain had been focusing all of its attention on the crunching sound of the snow under my weight. Forcing myself to forget about Olivia had been the only way to prevent my body from collapsing under the panic and fear that was taking over my thoughts. In my pocket, my hand tightened its grip on my keys and my fingers played around, trying to isolate the one that would open the front door of my parents’ house. I looked up, staring at my family through the living room window. Mom was laughing, dad was smiling with his arm around her, and Jude, my brother, was hopping around doing god knows what. I couldn’t be sure of whether they were playing charades or whether he was dancing. A smile slowly crept on my lips as I took in the scene and found myself wishing that I had stayed home. I gently kicked the brick wall to get the snow off of my boots as I unlocked the door. I pushed it open and was immediately hugged by the warmth of the house.
-“Ahhhh! There you are!”, my mother squealed as I hung my jacket in the closet.
-“Yeah, sorry! I was out there for longer than I thought I would be”, I smiled and she made her way towards me to squeeze me in her arms. I shut my eyes and breathed in her reassuring scent.
-“How are the kids?”, my dad asked from the couch.
-“They’re getting married”, I said and offered him a little pout. He frowned and shook his head.
-“Gosh Ellie, I’m sorry. That’s such bad news. A wedding. How dreadful”, he said ironically, while rolling his eyes with a little smirk at the corner of his lips. I forced a giggle out and smiled.
-“I know, I know.”, I replied raising my hands up in surrender, “mom, if it’s okay I’ll just take a quick shower, and then we can get started on the fudge”
-“No problem, I’ll get the ingredients out”, she smiled.
-“Thank you, I’ll hurry”, I said, making my way to my bedroom.
-“Thank you, I’ll hurry”, Jude repeated in a high pitched voice to mock me.
-“Ah fuck right off Jude”, I replied a bit more harshly than intended before shutting the door behind me.
                                                        —
The hot water was burning my skin as it glided down my body, but I could not have cared less. It was a good distraction.The water was hitting the tiles in heavy thumps, mixing with the fan's poor and loud attempt at stopping the bathroom's mirror from fogging and the room from becoming a humid sauna. Olivia sang in the shower, I didn't, I never had. I reached for the shampoo bottle pressing it to feel the cold product hit the palm of my hand. I quickly brought it up to my head, applying it on my hair as the air filled itself with a coconut scent. Mixing with the water, the shampoo made its way down the drain, leaving white bubbly trails on my skin as it went. Olivia and I had been so different. She’d been pretty in pink, and I’d been a tomboy in blue, but we’d always fit together so perfectly, just like a two piece puzzle. My relationship with Olivia had always been special, I used to know her as if I had created every little bit and parts that made her whole. Today though, I felt like I knew nothing about her. The fact that she wanted to get married was news to me. She’d always said that marriage wasn’t for her and that a serious relationship was just as meaningful without that piece of paper. Why was she marrying Levi? What had changed? We used to stay up all night in a fort that we made by hanging sheets between her bed and her desk. We always laid down so close to each other that I could practically hear her thoughts. I didn’t need to try though, as we had always shared everything. Absolutely everything, until Levi. I hadn’t known about Levi. She’d omitted to say that they had become an ‘us’ until they had been dating for several months. I’d felt betrayed, but I too had been keeping a secret from her, and I still was. It was impossible for me to fathom the idea that Levi might tell her about our conversation. It had to come from me, not him. I placed one hand on the glass, and the other on the ceramic wall to support some of my weight as my head spiralled into further panic. My ringtone suddenly echoed loudly in the small bathroom, scaring me out of my thoughts. I leaned forward, squinting my eyes a little to recognize Olivia’s name appearing on my screen. My heart started racing and my breath became shallow. I blinked slowly and focused on Olivia’s name until the screen went back to black. I breathed in, counting to five between each inhale and exhale. Trying to bring myself back into a state of calmness had never felt so impossible and to make matters worse, she called again. I wasn’t sure of whether I was going to throw up, pass out, or do both simultaneously, but I turned off the shower, reached for my towel and wiped my hand before bringing the phone up to my ear.
-“Hello?”, I answered shakily, half of my body still in the shower.
-“Hey, it’s me”, she replied.
-“I know”, I whispered, and at the sound of her voice, my heartbeat picked up once more.
-“Ellie?”, she said and there was a silence. I shut my eyes tightly, inhaling and exhaling quietly. The way she had said my name could have killed me. There was so much pain and sadness in her tone that I wondered whether we would ever speak again after this phone call. I wasn’t certain how long I would be able to prevent myself from breaking down, but I remained calm. “Ellie?”, she repeated. I focused on her voice once more as I reached for the bathrobe I’d left on the floor . 
-“Hey”, I answered, trying to control the shakiness in my voice, “are you okay?”
-“I thought I could do this on the phone, but I don’t think I can.”, she blurted, “I’m sorry.”
-“Do what?”, I nervously replied biting my nails. This conversation had been going on for less than a minute and already I felt the panic attack creeping in. 
-“Can we meet up tomorrow?”, she said ignoring my question. 
-“Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve? I don’t think”, I started, but was interrupted. 
-“I know, but I don’t think it can wait. I’ll meet you at your house tomorrow. Is 9h okay? ”, she asked. 
-“I guess”, I replied shakily. I was barely able to hold a conversation over the phone, what would I be like when we would be face to face.  
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