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usernamingishard · 3 years
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I contain within me a flame that burns painfully. Let out, this fire could catch the environment, but that would be a good thing. Let out, I'd be a much more handsome person, I'd have a part-time job or an internship, it'd roar louder and touch more people, it might help you out or someone loose enough on the internet open to exploration and inspiration, it might bring a long-called for clarity for someone who has been lost for as long as they can remember.
But alas, I can't let it out anymore. I have an obligation to prioritize. Frankly, this fire, as holy and beautiful as it is, is not the most healthiest option for me. Sure, it is what brings me happiness, what brings others around me happiness, what leaves my mark on the world but...
I have to also be real, also be logical, also be disciplined. I need this to get wealth, resources, longevity, accomplishment, grace, support for my family, backup for my family's financial condition, provision for my future family, a future for me, my friends, loved ones, my family, and lost people. These people will not benefit from me if I have no money to exist, if I have no will against my depression, if I have no responsibility and burden upheld with the same casualness I provide advice.
And oh what great advice I give. People listen to me and hear Faith. Somehow my not having answers is always sidelined. If there's a painting a person finds ugly, I'll look at it from afar to see beauty. There's God's plan, there's your parents and family, there's your loved ones, there's a satisfying happiness down the line, there's a fleeting glimpse of hope hidden under the brush strokes between the land and the sky. You do it for them. You do it for Him. You do it for Her. You do it for yourself. There's your answer. So what trouble is it to go another sleepless night for a sake? Normalize sleepless nights, normalize an unfair nature, normalize careless people, abusive parents, an empty growling stomach, a bully's scorns, a bruised and damaged body, sex, atheism, hurting others, never learning from one's mistakes.
Then they pile up...
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usernamingishard · 3 years
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The whole surrounding is bleak dark, but under a lamp post shines the only Yellow. On the ground, there are dark blue embers flying off at the edge of the incandescent circle of light drawn from the beam emitted by the lamp.
Peculiarly, the dark bleak is full of places once before visited, already touching memory; this is not the dark unexplored territory of future experience, this is abandoned and neglected friendships, goals and visions.
Out there, there are empty stores as the call for prayer has rang, a concert filled only with grounded confetti, a church that is desolate and dispirited, except for the tiny pool of healing holy water that requires very conservative management. This used to be a city, so you can imagine the amount of places. There's a backyard with an empty pool and a bar that's full of empty bottles and cups. There are youth clubs, restaurants, telephone booths, metro stations...
Under the light remains nothing but the comfort zone, like a private bedroom with moody lights. Very few people actually pass through and visit the enlightened circle.
There I stand. I'm in my cradle, so naturally I'll be as spoiled as they come, demanding only the best. Like a cat, I won't be coddled or petted by any passerby. I'm in my kingdom, so where the hell do you come off telling me to move? I'll just stay here until the dark bleak becomes nothing but ash, abandoned even by memory. Until the lamp light condenses and shines on nothing but a central atom.
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usernamingishard · 5 years
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I must've misunderstood.
Leave me here. I have long ago learned that I must learn independence.
Mock me. For even after that lesson was learned years ago, I still seek simple company.
Torture me, for I knew the result and could've calculated it, but jumped in with hope anyway. I know life's a sadist like that.
But stay by me, for I know the names promise something meaningful in this life, and to lose hope is to betray existence herself.
What God am I talking to?
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usernamingishard · 5 years
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"Do you cut yourself?
Sorry, I shouldn't even ask that, it should come from you if you ever want to tell me.
I guess if I'll make conversation out of this, I can say that I cut myself. Three times actually. Though, not three clear cuts, rather, each time I try to cut myself, I get something relatively small and not very sharp, and I keep digging until I find the right pressure to make a few cuts. Three times.
First time I did it, I was tired of a certain conversation, and I wanted to see a physical manifestation of it. Usually a conversation affects you, the 2nd person, the environment or tomorrow. Well, I was having a conversation with myself, and this is something I can't tell anyone. I just can't. I talk to myself, I develop ways to change it, I suggest accepting it, I try to change my opinion on it, but nothing ever sticks. So I had to see some change from this struggle, and the only thing I could do was cut myself. What, was I gonna be mad at God? Can I even throw swears in his direction? Of course not. I respect him and still do, I know things are a certain way because they're better for you, or the better thing should come at a later time, or God would rather put in a good word for you in heaven instead of waste it on Life. But I'm enraged regardless that this one fucking thing won't change no matter how much I want it to, and God is not willing to do a single thing. I can't disrespect him, but I have myself, and I guess cutting myself is all the evidence to prove I don't respect myself, don't care for it.
You're the most melodramatic person I know, and it's why I fell for you. You know what it means to watch a movie and have it somehow rewiring your head to expect life to be more like the script. You see a good ending and you think that no matter the struggle, I have to earn that, too. So you get what it means to hear something in a movie or YouTube video and believe it and absorb the argument in your head. I don't know where I heard the concept of physical pain being better than what one's going through, and that cutting flesh brings with it such a good relieving satiation, but I did. You're the most melodramatic person I know. You might be the only one to get me."
- a text I would've sent had I been in that same emotional feeling when I was holding my phone, instead of when about to sleep. And why would I send it to her? For all the ways I'm like her, she never gets me, never bothers to offer me the time, and all I got from her was pain, and that's why I cut off from her for 3 months and a half, and why I wouldn't open up to her even as we returned as friends.
All I want is someone who would listen to something like this and just be moved, and not say anything. Play the long game, we're gonna get out of this together by checking up on each other everyday, I won't tell you anything now because there are no words for what you said and you have thought it through already.
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usernamingishard · 5 years
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You all had something in common
You, the one before you, and the one before her. I mean, I have a new crush almost every two weeks. But honestly, I simply like them for one thing only. Mostly their looks, sometimes just one action. But really, the way they live life is non-congruent with the way I live mine. I don't think we really can be together, can't imagine us holding each other and sharing our lives. But you three. You had something in common, something I also have. I think it's that life is a movie. It's all a show. So dress your best, make funny jokes, embrace the little things. Consider the audience around you and find out how you can give them something to relate to.
Or maybe I'm projecting myself onto you. Giving a reason to why I deserve to love you
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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Life is a montage: atleast mine is
 As a child I had a strong connection to film, stories, books and cartoons. But first, let me take a moment to describe that any matter, any entity, any item or concept, any notion or instrument is but a branch, with many branching leaves or sometimes further branches. A computer is not just a computer, it's also what that computer can do, it's also what that computer is made of, it's also a single technological advancement amid a timeline of others, it's also a conversation about the gadgets available for the youth. So when I say I had a strong connection to film, stories, books and cartoons, I don't mean just the narration of other's lives through whatever media available whether that media is a book or TV show. What I mean is, I am interested in the concept of three act structure, I am interested in the concept of reocurring themes, I am interested in the power and effect of framing, I am interested in the expression of emotion through facial expressions in movies, and sound effects in cartoons. I spent my childhood delving into stories of heroes, of villains turned good guys, of Romance, of the friendship between a boy and his dog, of how people go through heartache, of how High school is going to be, of what bullies look like and how to stand up to them. I see Movie, Books and cartoons (I'll call Media for short) in every day life, and I see every aspect of my life in Media. This could be called natural, everyone has had their head wrapped around something as a child, but Media is different in that it is an expression of life itself, so in these 50 years since the first product of film, and thousands since the first written word, every part of life has been incorporated atleast once. It'll be very hard to remember a concept or matter or life event that hasn't been mentioned in one way or another in a movie, let alone books. Technologies' effects on life? Black mirror is a single example. Hitler or pearl harbor? Inglorious bastards and a movie of the same name. Coffee? I think you can take a few minutes to find a movie where a character invites to have coffe or drinks. Standing up to bullies? I guess all/most of the superhero movies? However, when Media express them, they express them in such dramatic and impactful way, and I learned that, and incorporated it into my expectations. each wink furthers or enhances the plot, each misstep or stutter is exposition about the character, each door opening scene is suspense. Naturally, the way the plot moves also becomes of the things that I expect in life. There's a happy ending for every plot and subplot, the main character (easily known to be me) gets the love of his life, and there's a solution and reason to this emptiness I feel inside me.
But real life? It's nothing like that. Many times a family member may make me doubt myself without even them actually being toxic, nor should I leave them, nor do we solve their attitude, either by talking or actual effort, unlike any of the movies I've watched. I've never had a relationship no matter the efforts I've payed into the few crushes that I've had the past few years, even though that's how all books end. And the personal flaws in the main character have been with me since childhood, unlike any of the comic book characters I've read grow over them. And worst? Music doesn't play whenever something important happens. Life feels unscripted, random, inconsiderate, unfeeling. I feel out of place so often that I don’t consider myself to be a normal neurotypical, even though I most probably am. However, none of this compares to the aftermath of my last crush. For reasons I shan't delve into, I very vigorously wished to accomplish having her by my side, and as such, turned her standards into my own goals, and became obsessed with bursting through limits not set for me. All through that period, and a few months after rejection, I was left clueless. I had a line to success that I was not on, neither at the failing side nor at the successful side. I felt out of tune. I knew I wasn't a man, and I knew I wasn't human. because I set my whole world on that scale that I was not even in league with. I wasn't under her standards nor was I above, I was her friend. A different zone, you could say. She appreciated and loved me without the hope of being her lover, but I didn't acknowledge that. During that year, nothing made sense, everything I've ever seen in a movie or a book or a TV show was far from applicable to my life. There were no happy endings, no retribution, no closure infact, no good music, no starry skies, no good times with good friends, no family bonding moments. I spent that period just attending school and sleeping. A lifeless robot going through the norms. Meanwhile, inside me was something heavy crushing against my ribs, that although heavy, was empty.
So, I learned to not think about it. This was a very hard lesson that I learned to master. I cut off from my crush for a while,  got busy in friends, in anytime I had outside, in any small accomplishments I can consider. Slowly I started to acknowledge the good little things, such as that one positive friend, listening to a good song without interruption, and having lunch with the family after being too hungry at school. I acknowledged throughout that whole time that a girl wasn’t and couldn’t have been the reason behind the way I feel. It’s just that life didn’t go my way for the millionth time, and that was just my last straw. I accepted that life has no absolutely no algorithms, artistic cycles or patterns, in other words no set series of events and experiences, reocurring themes or chronological set of circumstances and changes. As I said, I started to appreciate the little things, and accepted that this is all there is to life. No big event or shocking marriage or solution to a world problem, just a good cup of coffee every once in a while, and a new gift from a good considerate friend every other.
There's a drug in Egypt called Hash. I suspect that it's nothing more than a less intense version of weed, and those who I know tried both have said the same, but that’s not scientific evidence so I can’t say anything for sure. Basically, a high means any train of thought is 1. Unstopped, you can get to as deep a level as you’d like in thinking about something, and 2. It feels right. No matter what’s the issue you’re thinking about, you’re right to think about it now, you have the solution to it, it doesn’t feel out of place, and you’re accepted. But the train of thought can be anything. That’s why my friends who are there for the laughs can joke with each other and laugh for hours, while I can literally watch a movie and feel so ingrained into it. Mind you, not a movie on TV, a movie through my eyes. And that was my high, but lemme start from the beginning.
I was with a friend, and another called us, told us he has some stuff to try, so I told him to come. It wasn’t a blunt, it was a pure piece of the stuff, that we could put in a cup, hang a cigarette between the walls of the cup, and burn the Hash. You close the cup with a wallet or anything really, and when there is enough gas collected in there, u remove the wallet and inhale. We did that, playing nothing else matters by Metalica. A friend was laughing in silence, and the other was having red eyes and staring into the wilderness, and I was completely sane and normal. when the hash was snuffed out, they fished out the cigarette and gave it to me. I smoked it, when for some reason the latter half of the cigarette fell. I looked at it, and in a single moment I felt like I didn’t have within me the energy to pick it up in a million years. Thankfully my friend did, and gave me ashtray and told me to snuff the cigarette out, it’s done. I did as commanded, laid my back to the chair’s back, and everything cut to black.
What I thought being on drugs would feel like, was exactly what I felt. Although I have zero memories of this time and instantly woke up to people trying to wake me up, I remembered later feeling absolutely enthralled and impressed at every thought, and the sheer force of final solution that I had reached. I didn't have a single speck of trouble finding the solution to anything I thought, and I was so accurate. Nothing else matters, who does it represent to me? Of course my best friend from high school. Why? Well easily because when the singer says "never cared for what they do, ... what they know" we had a conversation that was just like that. And of course it makes sense that in this moment of high, I'd think of him, because he's the type of best friend I'd wanna show this feeling to, and because his moral compass might challenge the idea of smoking anyway, and indeed I felt like I did not at any moment question if this is right or wrong and just jumped into it. So it's natural that that thought would affect the next one.
What you just heard was flawless argument. There was no pressure to find the right thing to say, no wait process, and not a single moment of loss where something feels out of place or is the wrong answer. After I woke up from the black, I found that I was crying my balls out, and my two friends were trying to wake me to see what's up. They took me to the bathroom to wash my face. You know that dramatic scene in a movie where you look in a mirror and stare real hard so you start to regain control? I did that. My friend said salty things wake you up, so he brought us a sandwich. You know the after credits of The Avengers, how after all the thrill and action of the fight, the next scene to contrast that was the Shawerma scene? That's exactly what I saw, one friend munching in silence as he looked at the ground, the other contemplating god knows what in the sky. To almost make me regain consciousness the friend who brought the stuff went "what y'all just went through, that's trippin'", kinda like how a mafia guy goes "it's alright you have nothing to worry about all you need to do is etc, etc." And that's exactly what I was describing in the beginning. Every single breath these guys took, every single moment of silence, every chat was something out of a movie, and I was having the goddamn time of a lifetime. I was giggling like a lunatic, and at one point raised my hand and made a frame as if I'm filming them, zooming with my eye at the person who's speaking. Everything about a movie, I was so in control and comprehension of. For example, I once was sitting with some people at a pool. I'd look at the pool, the green, blue aqua lights, together with the waves of water would feel so serene and calm and beach like. I'd feel alone, relaxed, sleepy, everything you ever heard about looking at the beach. Then I'd flip my head 20 degrees to the left, and I'd see my friends. Even though we're still at the pool, the scenery changes so strongly, I'd suddenly feel more awake, feel a crowd of people even though there's only four others, feel socially awkward as I usually am around people. Feel the colours change towards orangy red. Look back to the pool, get sleepy, serene, quiet, look to the friends, feel awake, hyper, attentive, awkward. I also did that a couple of times because I was so amazed at how strange everything that was.
I smoked a whole bunch of times since then. I can't put the things in words that would do it justice.
Now, returning to my normal life, something quite strange started to take place. The thing that was lacking in my life, those scenic moments, those expectations, they started to somehow come alive. I started to learn things and change in personality, it felt as though every trip to the beach came at the right time and so I appreciated it more, I
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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We can think at the 8th dimension, even if we only see at the 3rd. A 3 dimensional object, when densified into a new point to draw from the next three dimensions, the 4th dimension is a line of time, whereby the 3rd dimensional object is going through time and the object's different stages. An apple for example as a seed, a maturing fruit, a fresh apple, an old apple, a withered spoiled old thing, and finally nothing but seed. 5th dimension is the grid on which u see different lines of time or different stages. Instead of the apple withering after being fresh for 2 days, it gets bitten into until it becomes an eaten garbage, and later a spoiled apple remain, and finally nothing but seed. 6th dimension, like the third is the ability to connect from one line to another. And so the 6th dimension is the willpower to change something's destiny. You can choose to make the apple have a different start by planting the seed elsewhere, or you can change its middle life by either taking care of it and putting it in a fridge or leaving it to dry, or you can change its end by eating it or burning it. You can draw its line from the point of origin to the left if you choose inaction, or you can draw a zigzag or you can draw a whirling line.
You're capable of interpreting all of what I said although you can not see it and play with it by sheer will like God does. Instead you have to employ action, willpower, innovation, smarts, all among other things to change the Apple's destiny by taking it into your hands and then biting into it with your jaw. So you comprehend the 6th dimension.
However if you, again, turn all these dimensions in to a singular dot once more, that dot is the entire life and fate and possibilities of a given object. Hence, you can comprehend that the 8th dimension is the grid of all life's matters, it is the web of interconnected things. One dot is your entire life, one dot is the education provided to the African youth, one dot is the amount of fun in your relationship, one dot is the amount of people you'll get to know, one dot is the change you can make in yourself, one dot is your computer's lifespan and wellbeing, one dot is the amount of depressed people. Each dot has a grid (its 5th dimension) where it could go in a better way or in worse, and the 6th dimension is your ability to decide some degree of change. You have the ability to make more people depressed by being ignorant of their feelings, but you can also lower that number if you can inspire them with the better things in life.
There is however something outside of space and fate and destiny to think of. To each dot, to each line, to each grid there is different value you can place it on. You put inherent value on the 6th dimensional dot that is driving, and so you spend more time investigating the 6th dimension (i.e. your options) for driving, such as practice more, get a new car, look online for tutorials on how to be better, etc. You act upon these things either with money or time or innovation and you draw your own preferable line inside driving's grid (5th dimension) depending on how you value them. You value a new car over your old one, you buy it. You value your driving skills more than your comfort, you stay awake at night practicing to drive better.
You might think that the 4th dimensional line on the grid is basically a line from origin to the left because time is continuous. No. 4th dimensional line is reality without the acknowledgment of other possibilities. It's what you write on your car's history when you sell it, or your CV. However that 5th dimensional grid doesn't put yesterday on the left and tomorrow on the right. Left, right, up, down, they're all concepts that, to be Frank I don't know about, however I know that the line goes away from the origin in a circular spiral.
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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A relationship.
Friends with alot of attention.
Good experiences.
Are things I want the most in life. But life isn't about what you want to have; that's irrelevant. What it's about, I don't know. But I know that there are many levels of satisfaction, the satisfaction you get from when you're successful in something you wanna get done, satisfaction of having people around you, satisfaction of offering a really good addition to society. The satisfaction of doing each of the three things mentioned above.
But you could die today, and you should die satisfied in the ways that matter. In other words, you have all you need to be satisfied. Why aren't you? It's a mentality, mind set or decision, I don't know, but it's something you can get right now.
So, how do you know what you need from what you don't? How do you know the category within lies acceptance from the category within lies famousness?
I can say I don't need a relationship to die happily tomorrow or in 20 or 40 years. Don't need a good job. Don't need a humongous amount of attention and spotlights. Don't need consistent support.
I can however say one thing I have to have completed before my death is to have offered my complete personality. I should and want to be thought of when someone doesn't know what to do, to do what I would have done and feel right. I want to be an example for everyone. Given a situation to act, I want to do the absolute right, so that people can know they can do it too.
If I've done that just once, and this writing was released to everyone to read, I think I should die having offered and taken just enough to be satisfied.
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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Back in the days of my overextended crush, I remember I was disappointed in quite many aspects of how the subject of that crush dealt with me. Often I would send paragraphs of text trying to discuss those aspects from my point of view, awaiting an as in-depth reply, such that a compromise or agreement could follow. She surprised me when she would always avoid replying, reply in the most meaningless affair, or just shut down the discussion to discuss another one against me altogether.
My father is a righteous man and rightly so, and almost no one would recognize him as the wrong party in any argument or fight or talk unless that person is in direct disagreement with him such that acknowledging him as right would mean coming forth as wrong. I have come to disagree with him multiple times, but he just dismissed the conversation completely, and came the next day everytime smiling and treating me like normal without us concluding the issue.
I want to shout at them. Why can't you sit down and finish this goddamn issue? It is troubling me, and it will continue to trouble me when I come across it again, but you choose to get as angry and surprised when we come in contact with the same issue between us as the first time. I want to shout at my father "How do you act okay and smile at me if you don't think I should talk to you the way I did? If you think I got all up in your personal matters shouldn't you punish me? You're contradicting yourself by acting like things between us are okay!" And I won't get started on my ex-crush.
I've come to find that the best solution for her is to absolutely ignore her. I'd doubt anyone would consider us friends. Even though she acts okay and asks from time to time, I don't involve her in my life and I don't get involved in talking to her. But I can't disconnect from my father, there's a a real connection and history and bond there that I can't throw out the window as I did with the ex-crush. Same with my friends, one of them says and does a few things that piss me off or that I have to disagree with, my first inclination is just to stop involving them in my life. That's what I learned from having a crush on a shallow person. But these guys aren't shallow, and I know no better
A friend of mine was in a relationship, and that relationship was ended by the other partner, and to this day, she hasn't stated reasons. He was mad the first three days, and continued to attempt to move on afterwards. Now they're on the way back to a relationship and they interact often and like the best friends they were. I can't understand how he just up and accepts her knowing that she thinks and acts a certain way that could hurt him again, and that she hasn't changed, considering they haven't talked about the break up once.
I don't understand. Interpersonal relationships were never confusing for me, but that's because all problems get solved on TV and in Movies and Games. But now as I grow up and see more actual life relationships, I don't fucking get these people.
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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Anguish
Anger is infused when injustice is dealt. It is fuel for the brain to take that extra step in righting what caused the displeasure. That displeasure being something put out of place, or something being treated not in the way it should. If I expect lunch to be ready by the time I'm home, I'll be angry when it isn't because I expect that it should. If I see a dog being bullied by kids, I'll get angry because it shouldn't be.
So when you disregard me for the millionth time, and impose an air of worthlessness onto me, I'll get angry. I'll get so angry I'll wish you harm, I may wish upon you death for an initial moment. Because I don't deserve to be treated like I'm worthless, because I'm not pathetic. When I'm hurt, when I'm angry, I should be your priority. If not because I loved you then because of the history between us, because of the countless times I was there for you, because before anything, we were best friends. I shouldn't be kept on the side till you finish meeting your friends, I shouldn't have to wait till you're in the mood to talk to me, I shouldn't live in agonizing pain waiting for your reply to a question I can easily take a guess about the answer for.
But now, instead of plain anger, I feel doubt. That's what your attitude gave me. Doubt that I should be angry, doubt that I deserve respect, deserve peace. I'm just an upset teenager with too many hormones and too many feelings, I have more than what half the earth's population call a luxury because my father is of the middle class yet I feel empty, I don't have many friends, don't have an inspiring life plan. That does sound pathetic and worthless. Now instead of plain anger, I feel anguish.
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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Hey guys, so I just discovered why I still haven't formed a relationship until now, and that's because whenever someone on earth is named "Abigail Massoud Tennessee" a sequence of every 1000 newborn men are destined to have no love in the entirety of their life. Of course, by global standards, that's a tiny sequence that results in a massive number, and it is implied that about a 100,000 people are born this way. Why are they seemingly a bit rarer in real life? Well, because some of those die during birth or a bit after that and before they discover the nature of their destinies, or because they end up being necrophiliacs and don't care about forming relationships.
Now, this came as a disappointment for me and a bummer cuz now I'll have to kill myself. You see, I drank every juice once before. I tried Water, that was nice, tried Orange, it was meh, tried milk, one of the best drinks I ever fucking had. Same goes for every possible drink out there and every possible combination. I have drank once every single drinkable material and mixture except just one, chocolate and pineapple with cheese sauce. So you see, I need love to have a love potion, which would allow me a whole bunch of other years to live as I add it to every possible drink I ever had to make new mixtures.
But I'll be damned if I don't go out my way and instead let the reaper come shame me himself. You'll hear about my departure soon enough.
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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If you have no intention to change, your heart fuels the wants in your subconsciousness, and your mind acts upon that subconsciousness.
Look at this frame: the boy is casually speaking to a classmate, drawing a handsome smile, his hands in his coat's pocket, saying witty comments and funny comebacks. Sometimes the edge of her mouth shuffles to the right, or her teeth start to show, as the comments sometimes make a hit. The boy smiles in the distance, showing a hint of pride. The conversation goes back and forth. A very normal social encounter, where the perpetrators are enjoying.
Now, skin his head, crack his skull, and then carve into the middle of his cerebral cortex, flipping your head sideways and closing in on it. You'll hear "This is going so well! I'm proud of my social skills, and thankful for the way things are going! I think I kinda like her..."
Unpack the other side of his brain entirely and lay it down flat on the table, place your palm on this "plane" of subconsciousness, and wait a few seconds. You'll slowly feel something growing somewhere in your gut, between your skin and your stomach. That something is attraction. You'll start to like the classmate and think of her often and want to find more ways to meet her or coincide with her, and want to tag along wherever she's going.
Now, you may or may not have noticed this, but there is this cord, a small little artery connected to your brain. Follow it, and you'll find the heart. Take it out, and listen to me on this. Eat it. Yes, eat it. Done? Good. Feel it going down your throat. Feel it land in your stomach. Wait 30 minutes as it gets digested. You'll realise your stomach getting filled more as the heart is being digested into raw content. Wait about 6 hours or so, and it's in your intestines. Now, as your body starts to very slowly harvest this mush that used to be a heart, you'll realise your whole body and mind and behaviour start to change.
• First, your perception dulls a tiny bit. It's not something you acknowledge or realise or can touch, but if you really think hard about it, there's less colour now.
• Second, you're slightly lazier; weird, what does laziness have to do with this? Why does it suddenly feel like more effort to get off the bed in the morning?
• Third, looks like that heart was too much for your digestive system to handle, huh friend? You seem to feel full all the time, and have trouble digesting whatever you eat, but thankfully you aren't really excited about food anyway, although that's dull and boring.
• Fourthly, that thing you used to love to do every other weekday, what was it? I don't remember what your hobby was, man, but that thing, you suddenly feel like you don't think it's worth the effort of doing. I mean, you don't feel bad, you don't hate it or anything, you just don't wanna.
• You'll realise it later not sooner, there's no gradual increase in intensity, nor a sudden burst of feel. You just realise one day that your heart feels like it fell out of place and is somewhere in your leg or foot, and your chest feels empty. You'll also recognise that you've been like this for the past couple of god knows how long. When did it start? Can't really tell.
• Then it happens. One day, you're going around your room and you pass by your reflection. You look at yourself, and you feel... Disgust. Loathing. Patheticalness. You study what you think of yourself and you feel like you're worthless. Look at your fucking goals. Look at your fucking 2 or 3 friends. Look at your fucking probable future. What you've fucking accomplished. Where you fucking live. How people fucking treat you. You worthless piece of fucking shit. You inherently fucking deserve this, I want you to know that.
So tell me, how does the thought of your classmate laughing at your jokes, enjoying walking with you, looking at you when you aren't looking at her, being there for you, holding you tightly and telling you she loves you, that you don't deserve to hate yourself, you aren't worthless, and you definitely aren't pathetic feel?
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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It was like the wind had a dose of adrenalin, it was scurrying all around me, and screaming at my ears, being all but elegant. With so much wind, I felt my own skin sucked of all the warmth from my blood, and the adrenalin in the air induced into me. I too was shocked, I too was displeased with being thrown at such a height, dear winds, I too was dissatisfied that I am travelling at such speeds, abusing you as my medium, and with the end destination being the flat, cold, unfeeling, unmoving asphalt grounds. I suppose an apology from me is in order, my friend wind. But similarly, an apology from life itself is in order. Perhaps if I hadn't been dealt the hand I'm given, I wouldn't have thought it best to jump off the roof. If she hadn't lost her feelings for me to wherever people's feelings get lost, I wouldn't have been here, so rudely intruding your peace. But that is quite curious, isn't it? Where do people's feelings "get lost"? You think, perhaps, beloved winds, there's some sort of shack that finds people's feelings incase they ever-
*Crack*
- Excerpt no. 2 from something I'll never write.
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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A massive explosion, a burst of sunny colours and a wave of shock, and then, silence, as the smoke rises up, drawing a straight line, a charade of the inevitable, and an emphasis on the silence, broken only by the crackling of fire. That's how, in such a quiet and empty room except for the man, lighting a cigarette seemed. As he extracted a single dose out of this little cigarette, he allowed the departure of the spark, crackling and breathing sounds to act as the marshalling for his back to be laid into the armchair's own. He had only his thoughts, for he was physically relaxed by all means, but otherwise weighted and exhausted was his mental state.
- Excerpt no. 1 from something I'll never write.
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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There's no denying it. I loved her unconditionally. And that unconditional part means that it doesn't matter whether she abuses me, she treats me like crap, she doesn't give a shit about me, or if she already has feelings for someone else, these are all conditions, and regardless of those conditions, I love her.
Try as I might to argue, that is who I am. I want to sleep more peacefully at night, I wish I could remove that empty feeling in my heart, I want to feel some sort of self-respect when I'm infront of her; and so I tell her, as well as myself, "I don't care. You're dead to me." I repeat these words so often in my head to change my identity. The reason I still feel uneasy regardless is that that is who I am. I love her unconditionally. And when she shows this absolute remorseless apathy, my heart is destroyed.
But this component of my identity is just that. A component. What if I was a thief, a stealer? Stealing is wrong, and so I would change this component of my identity. I would say "I identify as a man of honor. I am not the sort of man to steal. Everything that happened before this statement was the confusion before becoming my true self." And so, I would produce about a 100 times the effort to stop myself from stealing. And once I haven't stolen for some time, I will truly be myself.
But why won't this fucking work when I just wanna not give a shit or love her so? Do I somehow accept it without going mad? Should I assume that emotions and feelings are nothing more than stimuli, which is not under the flag of what I can change? Or have I not worked hard enough to change my identity, in which case, I really don't know what else need I do.
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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You ever feel like everything in your life is written? Like, you can’t change anything or go anywhere than where you currently are? I mean, as a Muslim, I already believe that God literally wrote everything about your fate; but do you feel sometimes that all your options are already written, and you’ve been through all, if not most, before? If what you feel is true, that would mean that this is it. There’s no better than this and there’s no real solution or creation out of what you’re used to.
And if it’s true, well, it should be liberating. Most people say it liberates you from expectations, you don’t have to reach some imaginary good times where you won’t be unsatisfied, so instead, you work with what you have, and enjoy the things you have and spend more time with the people and hobbies you love.
But it doesn’t really feel like that, does it? Feels more disappointing, doesn’t it?
You're a gift, wrapped in mediocrity and boredom, and it feels too late to look for another wrapper since you'll arrive to your intended target in a small amount of time anyway, death, being the recipient.
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usernamingishard · 6 years
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This relationship is symbiotic. One thrives and feeds off the other, the other dies more and more by every interaction.
- Excerpt no.1 from my well-written metaphorical texts.
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