walrustrain - Tumblr blog

[walrustrain]

"Why are you so negative?"

Because growing up, nothing ever went right, so now I just expect things to go wrong. I expect abandonment, so I either cling on or push away, I expect things to not work out because that's what I've known. Whether it's a relationship, a goal, anything.

I also just have a severely low self-esteem that was consistently reinforced.

It's true that I can be positive when it comes to others' lives. I believe others can heal and become the best versions of themselves, I believe anyone else can deserve happiness and love. Me, on the other hand? Nah.

[walrustrain]

What do you call it when you don’t want to feel anything? When feeling anything at all feels too much? When feeling happy, sad, excited, hopeful, hurt - it all feels too much?

Even feeling the positive feelings feel too much lately. I just don’t want to feel, I don’t want to experience I just want to disappear into thin air and not exist. I want to crawl out of my skin and go away.

I don’t want to die, I just want to disappear into oblivion never to be found again. Where I won’t have to feel, or experience, or live or see anything.

What do you call this feeling?

[walrustrain]

I got interrupted mid talking and got told I talk a lot.

Suddenly, in my head I was 13 again, trying to find the courage to speak to people more.

Maybe I should have just stayed silent.

[walrustrain]

I wish you pretended you loved me a little longer so I could feel not so alone for just a few moments longer

[walrustrain]

Sometimes I feel like I go above and beyond for people to make up for the fact that I’ll never be good enough and in hopes that it’ll distract them enough so they don’t notice and leave.

[walrustrain]

[walrustrain]

Alway's Second Best

What's odd about being placed second after countless times.. You are always ready for it.

It could be simple things like walking out of a door even though you are in front, someone will surely push past you or something much deeper such as you loving someone who will never love you in return.

There are far too many ways you can be placed second, so you question every step you take. Anytime you go to speak you hesitate in fear of being talked over. High-fives in a group of friends, your hand is always the last, isn't it? The boy you like? He has a crush on your best friend, doesn't he? I know you know the pain that builds up in your throat every single time your second-place medal is placed on your shoulders.

The people who place you second never give it as much as a second thought, certainly not understanding how much it is tearing you apart. Yet you smile.. Giving a gentle nod.. You give them the okay to place you second in fear if you are not second. You will be nothing..

-MindfullyLost;

[walrustrain]

Why is it so easy to cast me out?

Why is it when I express my emotions, I’m in the wrong?

Why is acceptable for others to express their emotions in the same way and they gain sympathy but I get cast out?

It’s not fair. Everyone always finds it so easy to be angry with me, to shut me out, to give me the silent treatment, to hold grudges against me and cut me off.

If it was someone else, they’d let it slide. But with me, I’m always the one who gets cast out. Why? Why is it so easy to do that to me? Why are people not afraid to lose me? Am I that worthless and meaningless in people’s lives? To my friends, to my family - am I that worthless?

Why is it so easy to abandon me? People find it so easy to just cut me loose, almost as though I’m not much of a loss at all.

It’s so lonely.

[walrustrain]

I feel like the shadow of everyone else in the room. I’m there but not really acknowledged.

[walrustrain]

[walrustrain]

I just want to be enough

[walrustrain]

I’m really scared of being replaced. I fear it right down to my core. The feeling of being replaced is almost tangible. Every. Single. Day. With anyone and everyone, it always just feels like a matter of time before I’m replaced. The feeling is just there all the time. I’ve become almost numb to it. But very deep down, I’m terrified.

[walrustrain]

Do you ever feel like you’re just convenient?

You’re the convenient friend, convenient time pass, convenient relationship, convenient option for everyone.

You’re the person people hang out with because you’re easy, and always eager because you’re always just so desperate to feel wanted and not alone, but really you’re just convenient.

You know you’re not special, and that your spot in their life will be easily replaced and that they’d much rather someone else in their company- but again you’re just convenient. You’re the convenient option. The always available option.

I’m the friend who has best friends but isn’t the best friend. I’m the convenient friend. I’m the lover who falls in love but never the one being loved. I’m just the convenient route.

Im the ‘never says no’ friend. The ‘easy to take advantage of’ friend. The ‘can you do me a favour?’ friend. I’m the ‘useful until no longer of use’ friend. I’m the ‘I want to do something but everyone else is busy’ friend.

I’m the butt of the joke friend. I’m the punching bag friend. The forgotten friend. The one who’s feelings aren’t considered because I’m the ‘she’ll get over it’ friend.

I’m just the easy and convenient friend.

And that’s my own fault, thinking always being available, always being easy and giving more of myself will finally one day deem me worthy in someone’s eyes. Spoiler alert - it doesn’t. I’m still never enough.

I’m the ‘smile through the pain’ friend because being this friend hurts.

[walrustrain]

Me

/mi:/

Pronoun

Definition:

used by a speaker to refer to himself or herself as the object of a verb or preposition

Synonym:

Worthless, not good enough, second choice, unlovable, annoying, unimportant, loner, ugly, fat, loser

[walrustrain]

You know when you start to hang out with someone so much, more than usual even- and you’re just counting down the time until they get tired of you, until your presence starts to annoy them and until they’ve had enough of you..?

It’s a bittersweet feeling, having someone suddenly want to hang out with you all the time. When you’re so used to being even lower than a second choice or people tiring of you, it always just feels like a matter of time until you’re replaced again.

[walrustrain]

[walrustrain]

I try to convince myself I’m better off alone but it’s not like I was given much of a choice lol