waltswhatever

[waltswhatever]

[waltswhatever]

i hope so desperately that it can't be true that there's just nothing when we die. i can't fathom the thought that one day i won't get to hold you, get to laugh with you, get to kiss, get to fall asleep next to you - how could anyone be okay with losing that once they've had it?? how do i ever get over this?

[waltswhatever]

i have no faith and i often feel that religion has failed me, but i yearn for the possibility of an afterlife

i cannot imagine dying and having there just be nothing. it hurts to imagine that if both of us cease to exist it means i would never get to experience being with you again. i've feared death ever since i was a child but i've never feared it more now that i have something so precious to lose

[waltswhatever]

gotta love hearing a man thrice my age threaten to kill people for $17/hr without a degree and not being able to do shit about it unless he actually hurts someone or breaks something. love that. he IS obviously dangerous and by protocol there is NOTHING i can do right now.

and yet the thought of going back to any other kind of work is insane because as batshit as this job is, it is so much better for me than any other kind of work

fucking hell

my mood has been so irregular over the past few days and it's probably just from the stress of dealing with that patient but it only just got kind of real to me that I am sometimes in danger at this job and I don't know how to feel about that

i need that one coworker to shut the fuck up about some of his life talks because it's shit i already know and i am not actively trying to think about in a place where i NEED to be able to hold it together. i do not want to think about any of my regrets in life at work or how my life will change. fuck off you insensitive prick.

i need to go back to therapy but i don't have the money

i need more time to myself to do whatever i want. anything. i just need time. so much of my time is eaten up and planned for and i am so tired of it please just let me have some things that are just for me.

[waltswhatever]

i need to just accept that you won't find the same joy in pleasing me as i do for you. i don't know why i want that so badly, maybe because i've never had it, maybe because most of my sex life before this was transactional, maybe because i just want to think someone could actually get off on the idea of me and not just what my body can do for them, who knows. i am so green with envy

i don't know if there's a compromise that would work for us, but i'm tired of talking about it, the mere thought just upsets me now

dont offer that when i know you're not into it, please, i already feel like shit for wanting it

[waltswhatever]

HYPERSEXUAL CULTURE IS HAVING 2 MOODS

I NEED TO GET FUCKED RIGHT NOW OR IM GOING TO IMPLODE

SEX IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND I AM DISGUSTING FOR BEING THIS WAY

.

[waltswhatever]

so angry and upset that this is still something i lose sleep over but despite the amount of time i spend fixating and stressing over it i've yet to think of a solution where both parties would be happy and fulfilled. like bro cmon there's gotta be SOMETHING

[waltswhatever]

okay great so there are pills for this shit but antilibidals reduce testosterone which is not a problem i want to deal with right now

then there are antipsychotics with symptoms i'd also rather not deal with not to mention that SSRI's are going to be even more difficult to get in this country soon

then there's Xanax but that's another rabbit hole i'm not looking to get addicted to again

fuck! fuck.

[waltswhatever]

i wish that kelogg's bitch was right about that stupid fucking cereal because being horny is a prison anymore. if only there was a food that just immediately flushed all horny from my body. what's the opposite of viagra. what can i take to feel No Horny Whatsoever. is there a mood stabilizer for this?? how fast can I get on it???

rahhhh rahhhh rahhhh i wish i wasn't always frustrated rahhhhhh i wish being touched a few times a year was enough for me rahhhhh i feel like an asshole for feeling like this rahhhhhh

[waltswhatever]

what i would give to be thin. i wish i knew what it felt like just for once in my life. i've never been small, i want it so badly, just to feel at home in my body for once, not to struggle to find flattering clothes for once, not to feel guilt over what i eat for once, not to feel guilt over wanting to feel desired

i hate living in this skin, i feel hideous

[waltswhatever]

stop fixating on feeling guilty over my past wrongdoings to those I love and friends I hurt challenge!! you're lucky he stayed with you and that those who you left behind aren't friends with you anymore for their own good!! bc you were so fucking toxic!! raaahhh rahhhhh james-sunderland-maxxing ig

[waltswhatever]

i can so easily find ways for others to forgive themselves for their trespasses - it is so much easier to help someone else over their guilt, insecurities and regrets

but when it comes to my own i am always my own harshest judge, jury and executioner

when will i forgive myself for everything that happened with you? nothing cuts as hard as losing a friend and knowing it was my choices that led there.

it's been years. you still appear in my dreams now and then, and it guts me every time to see you, even if we never even speak in the dream. when we do see one another, you're not happy to see me, only ever shocked, or almost scared - and i can hardly blame you. please, just let me go. stop haunting me.

being friends now could never be the same, and i know that - but it's hard to see things I know you would've loved, and cherish the good without remembering I was the cause of so much of the bad, and also knowing that I chose to end things - for our mutual good.

i'd like to hope and think that i'm a better friend to those i hold dear now, and god knows i try. please, let that be enough repentance - i am so sick of hating myself for hurting someone who i will never see again.

everything in me screams to reach out, apologize, take accountability and try and make things work like I have so many times before, but I know that's a bad decision. I won't. it's for the best that we never, ever open that door again. You would forgive me, and I would inevitably hurt you in some finite way, that you'll let fester, that you won't bring to my attention, that will just be added to continuously without protest because I was always too dumb to notice it - and you were always too happy to put up with it, the negative things, and the complicated blurred lines of platonic and romantic affections - just for the sake of my attention, the promise that I wouldn't leave - and the cycle would repeat.

Never again, we were always oil and water. Please, stop haunting me.

[waltswhatever]

hypersexuality sucks ❤️

[waltswhatever]

i get to a point where i've been comfortably able to just be "meh" about my body lately for months - positivity isn't really possible yet but meh is still progress

and then you mention how your friend's daughter went through with gastric bypass surgery and lost over 200 something lbs

then you ask if i'd like to see a doctor about weight loss at some point because of my joint pain

mom.. I know or at least hope you didn't mean it to slight me but i also don't know how to explain that i'm somehow more miserable trying to lose weight than i am just being fat

plus, who's to say it will help my joint pain when i've felt like this across so many weight stages?

the small progresses of seeing numbers go down was always outweighed by the pressure of needing to lose even more, and the disgust and dysmorphia any time I saw my own body

I feel like at least being able to be neutral in my skin is better than spending every waking moment thinking about what i want to eat, what im not allowed to eat, how much i should exercise

really wish you just hadn't said anything

i don't know how i want to approach my joint problems - maybe it's eds, maybe it's weight, who knows

all i'm confident in is that i won't live as long as prior generations since our economy keeps getting worse so i just shouldn't worry about it and try to be happy since im eventually going to die anyways

[waltswhatever]

feel pent up > jerk off to try and feel better > get disgusted with yourself > stop

feel pent up > jerk off > get somewhere then lose all feeling and get frustrated again > stop

feel pent up > jerk off > get traumatic thoughts instead of hot ones > stop

feel pent up > jerk off > you're horny but too dry, and lube just causes PH problems for you > stop

feel pent up > jerk off > think about what you would like to have done or said to you > get embarrassed or disgusted by the thought of actually asking for it/getting rejected > stop

feel pent up > jerk off > actually succeed (congrats, that'll be maybe one of three successes for the whole year) > feel a lot of pain in various joints for days

feel pent up > jerk off > remember how you've helped more people finish than you've been given the same treatment > feel sick > stop

i! hate! this! body!!!!!!!!! why is a normal fucking human behavior so god damn difficult!!!! i just want to feel nice, like anyone else, why is that so hard!!!!!!

[waltswhatever]

I'm not sure how to re-approach that conversation, I want to, but like. knowing what I need now also doesn't help because it just puts me back at problem one: needing reciprocal desire to feel comfortable enough to actually enjoy sex

like.. if you're not visibly and outspokenly hot n bothered for me, too, but still A-okay with doing it, why does that turn me off so badly?? why does enthusiasm matter so much to me? can't i just be fine with this, please????

I know you want to help me and I know you want me to feel good, and I appreciate that, I do, I never want it to seem like I take that for granted, I don't, especially knowing I am far from what most would go for in an ideal partner, I'm just so frustrated with myself and the fact that my needs are so complicated and didn't just sort themselves out naturally

hell, if i had just even been born cis this would be easier, topping *would* be enough

Still, I've figured out that if I'm on the receiving end of pleasure, without the other party expressing enthusiasm or a consistent and clear desire, or almost a feeling of obsession, or excitement at the thought of delving out that pleasure, it just.. feels hollow to me and turns me off. Why fuck me if you're not into it? I know we talked about it, I know you want me to be happy and you want me to feel good and you're alright with doing it for me, you expressly consented to it, it's not like I feel like I'm holding you at gunpoint to do it thankfully, talking about it did help a lot- I really, really do appreciate all of that and I'm so fucking lucky to have you

But I just can't seem to get past that desperate want for *you* to be aroused by pleasing me, too, or accept it as is and I don't understand why that's so hard for me.

Like on a basic level, yes, I understand you'd do it to make me happy and that you really don't mind it - but I don't understand why that alone isn't enough for me to be happy and not feel weird about sex, and why the lack of all the things I do to/for you in bed - the little stuff, verbal attention, the soft touching, kisses, telling you what I find beautiful about you, or hell, even when it's the kinky condescending stuff, all the stuff I do to try and express how badly I want you and how hot I find this - why the lack of all *those* things puts me out of the mood so badly. Why do I need so much?

Why does sex just feel fake to me without that? Even if starts good, physically feels great, when I start to notice the lack of attention towards anything but just "the essential movements" I just,, get grossed out, I feel disgusted and guilty for some reason, but then I feel shitty because I *asked* for this, so I just stop, because I'm not gonna finish now that I've upset myself so let's just stop, thank you for trying, let's move on. Why am I like this??

More importantly, again; how do I even re-approach this conversation, how do I gently say "I still don't think this is enough and trying it kind of just made me feel worse" without hurting you or making you feel like your efforts were in vain? and what would we even do about it? I don't feel like it's a role you're comfortable playing, or how much I'd believe it if you started doing all of those little things because I asked for it, not because it came about naturally- I just want you to want me the same without it being a big thing

I want you to struggle to keep your hands off me like I do with you, but I know that doesn't just,, cross your mind on the daily like it does mine - i feel horrible for all of this, I'm the problem in this, i hate myself for wanting so much, i'm always wanting, wanting wanting wanting

why can't i just be an asexual who's fine with giving and makes it great for their partner and doesn't need anything back??? or hell, why couldn't i just have been born in the right body for this?? a body that can actually receive pleasure as it gives it?? this would be so much simpler if I didn't need so much, i fucking hate how sexually complicated i am

[waltswhatever]

tongue in cheek art about weird bodies and waiting for a diagnosis