Déjà Vécu: Personality Crisis
Chapter Thirty-Two : Personality Crisis
Summary: The gang joins the Order
Characters: Remus Lupin/Reader, Sirius Black/Reader (no use of y/n), James Potter, Petter Pettigrew, Regulus Black, Marlene McKinnon, Mary MacDonald, Lily Evans
Warnings: 18+ Only, Minors DNI
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July 17th, 1978
Apartment hunting was an impossible task, add in an overly-zealous muggle enthusiast (self proclaimed), and a hungry werewolf two days away from the full moon, and she was about ready to toss herself in front of the next bus. Peter had declined their offer to join in their post-school living situation; he’d apparently already found a flat near the ministry after securing a job in the Department of Magical Transportation. Though for practical reasons she understood the decision, she still couldn’t help feeling like he was purposefully distancing himself. The thought didn’t sit right with her.
After their third apartment tour of the day, Remus was beside himself. “If I buy you a sausage roll, will you stop moping?” She growled, the tall boy slumping along behind her. A low grunt that sounded a lot like a stubborn “yes” rumbled from him. Sirius bounded ahead, ecstatic to be out-and-about in the city, but even more so to be looking at apartments in the muggle world. He’d been enamored with each place they’d seen so far, though she’d been less than thrilled with all of them. Two locations had been so expensive that her and Remus almost keeled over when they heard the price. Sirius, having no real concept of money, thought the price sounded phenomenal for a 2 bedroom apartment (2 being generous, as the 2nd “bedroom” was no bigger than a broom closet) with no heat and a horribly strange shower/bathroom hybrid. As they wandered up towards the last flat of the day, she prayed that it would be good enough, otherwise she’d end up killing one of her friends if they had to do any more of these visits together.
The final flat was above a pharmacy in Hackney, the redbrick walkup being well within their price range, and it had enough room for the three of them to live comfortably without being on top of each other. The owners of the drugstore downstairs, an elderly couple in their early 70s, doubled as the landlords, giving her an overwhelming sense of home the moment they met. By the time they were done looking around, Sirius was jumping out of his skin.
“It’s perfect!”
“It’s noisy,” Remus deadpanned, glowering at a group of shouting kids across the street playing football. She knew he was just being irritable because of the upcoming moon, so she tried to muster all of her dwindling patience left, and refrain from smacking her best friend in the back of the head.
“It’s the best we’ve seen, and I don’t think we’ll find much better on our budget,” she looked at Remus, eyebrows raised in challenge. He held her stare, the two of them in a silent standoff in the alleyway between buildings as Sirius began to wander towards the main street. Upon watching him disappear around the corner, Remus broke first.
“Fine, let’s do it then,” he said, striding off to wrangle their friend away from a local record store at the end of the block. She hadn’t missed the small spark in his eyes before he turned away, the one that gave away his moody demeanor as just a temporary shell. Smiling triumphantly, she dipped into the pharmacy to secure their new home.
———
August 1st, 1978
The Longbottom’s living room was small, but immaculately decorated. In all honesty, it wasn’t even that tiny, it just seemed like it due to the eleven people crammed inside. Remus and Sirius flanked her; James, Lily, and Peter filling out the line on either side as they stood before a stoic looking Dumbledore. Off to the side of the room, Effie and Monty beamed proudly, the former’s eyes holding a sense of apprehension that was never vocalized. She had clocked it the moment she saw James’ parents, recognizing it as the same anxiety she wrestled with daily.
The oath was read, the six of them repeating it back strongly, (Peter faltered once, leading to her having to pinch Sirius’ hand so he didn’t laugh out loud at their friend). As they recited the final line, Sirius laced their fingers, a silent promise to stick together no matter what. She reached out with her other hand and did the same to Remus.
“Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix,” Dumbledore’s eyes sparkled, a small smile showing through his beard. Lily let out an audibly exhale, James hugging her closely and grinning ear to ear.
“When’s our first assignment?” Sirius stepped forward, back straight as he let go of her hand.
Dumbledore’s expression didn’t change, “You’ll be notified.”
“So we’re just supposed to what…sit around and wait to possibly be called up?” Sirius’ voice began to heat.
She stepped to his side, untangling her fingers from Remus’, “Sirius, it’s alright. No one’s in any big hurry—“
“I am. I want to get out there, I want to fight,” his blue eyes were smoldering as they shot to her, the look freezing her to the spot.
“Can we talk about this at home, please,” she whispered, gripping his arm tightly.
Dumbledore inclined his head at them in dismissal, “I appreciate your eagerness Mr. Black—“
“Potter.” Sirius said sternly. She furrowed her brows as he stared ahead, Dumbledore never faltering in his expression. “I want to go by Potter now, not Black.”
She looked over a shoulder at Effie and Monty, both of whom did not seem to hear the conversation occurring on the other side of the room, too busy wrapped in a discussion with Lily about something. Their son on the other hand, had heard all of it, coming over to clap a supportive hand on Sirius’ shoulder. Though the Potter’s had never legally adopted him, they treated Sirius just like a second son, and he was a Potter in everything but name.
“—alright, Mr. Potter,” Dumbledore’s eyes sparkled as he said it, “we will send a message when you are needed.” Sirius huffed, turning to stalk out to the front garden. Remus gave her a wary look as she followed him outside.
Smoke curled around Sirius’ head when she found him on the walkway, taking the first drags of a cigarette. Wrapping both arms around his waist, she pressed her body against his back, laying her head between his shoulder blades.
“Let’s go home,” she mumbled, feeling a hand wrap around her own. He didn’t speak, just lifted their conjoined hands to place a kiss against her palm. They stood in the garden in comfortable silence, the only sounds being the crickets and Sirius’ occasional exhales.
“Why are you so desperate to get out there?” She whispered. He flicked the cigarette out into the street, the embers flying over the pavement in little orange fireworks.
“I just…I need to do something. I can’t just sit here and wait while they’re out there killing people.”
His skin was warm through the soft cotton t-shirt as she pressed her cheek closer into his back. She knew why he was fighting so hard to get chosen for a mission, the truth had been there for as long as she’d known him. It was the same reason he had always acted out in school, the same reason he hung out with primarily muggleborns and outcasts, the same reason he wanted to go by Potter now: the one thing he craved most was to distance himself from his family. He needed to show to the world that he was not the heir to the Black Family legacy, and he was willing to do whatever was necessary to achieve it.
“You don’t need to prove anything, y’know.”
Sirius exhaled a long sigh, turning to finally face her. “You don’t understand what it’s like…”
Swallowing the urge to yell that she was tired of people assuming she didn’t understand anything, she squeezed his biceps in a silent urge to continue opening up.
“…to have your family name proceed you, and not for the right reasons. They’re monsters,” he gave her a lopsided smile, “and not the kind you’re into.” Her mouth dropped open in amusement, letting out a breathy laugh at his audacity.
“Speaking of…” Sirius grinned over her shoulder, and she turned to see Remus joining them on the walkway.
“Speaking of what?” He eyed them apprehensively, lighting a cigarette in the process. Sirius shrugged.
“Just talking about the creatures she seems to be hopelessly enamored with—ow!” She pinched him in the ribs.
Remus smirked through a drag, holding out a hand to her, “Ready to go home?”
She looked down the quiet street, the golden glow of the streetlights peppering the pavement, tiny fireflies humming above the bushes of neighboring houses.
“Can we walk a little bit instead of apparating? It’s such a nice night…”
“Of course love,” Remus threw an arm over her shoulders, steering her in the direction of home. As soon as they left the Longbottom’s property, Sirius transformed into Padfoot, a move she knew wasn’t just for amusement. He was through dealing with his feelings for bit, a notion she didn’t blame him for. He trotted beside her, nuzzling his furry head into the back of her hand until she reached out and scratched him behind the ears. She continued to idly run fingers through his fur, a gesture to let him know that she was there, that it didn’t matter if he was a Black, or a Potter, or just Sirius; he was hers.
———
September 29th, 1978
She was screaming. Lily was too as they clung to each other. Through the screeching came tears from both girls, leaving the four boys standing feet from them highly confused and uncomfortable.
“Should we…do something?” Sirius muttered to Remus nervously.
“Nah, they’re just really excited. My sister acts like this any time Paul McCartney does something as simple as breathing,” Peter whispered. Beside them, James beamed, happy to know he hadn’t just broken one of his best friends, and his new fiancee. Lily flashed her the ring again, tears still rimming her green eyes.
“Oh my god, I can’t believe it,” she grabbed her friends hand and examined the diamond, “Jamie who knew you had such good taste!”
James gave her a rude gesture from across the room, making her smile wider.
“Have you told Mary or Marls yet?”
Lily shook her head, “No, I wanted to tell you first because I also have something to ask you…”
A weird sensation coursed through her heart, simultaneously breaking and swelling at the same time, knowing what was coming next.
“Will you be my maid of honor? You’re my closest friend, and also one of James’ and it would mean so much to—“
She cut her off with a bone crushing hug. Lily had lost a sister years ago, to no fault of her own, having ceased all contact with Petunia during their time at Hogwarts. Being an only child, she’d always longed for a sister, finally finding that bond with Lily.
“Of course I will!” She finally let go, the red head giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.
“Let’s go call Mary, she’s going to freak!” Lily squeaked, pulling her toward the kitchen to use the muggle phone she had installed for emergencies.
“Oi!” James whined, throwing up his hands, “What about me? I’m getting married too, y’know.”
She pointed an accusatory finger, “I’m still mad at you for keeping this from me, Potter!”
“In his defense, none of us knew,” Sirius shrugged.
“I knew,” Pete said matter-of-factly. Both her and Sirius’ jaws dropped, the sight of which was almost comical, the two of them launching into distraught shouts.
“You told Peter?!”
“Wormtail knew and I didn’t?!”
James threw up his hands again in defense, “We all know he’s better at keeping secrets than you lot!”
Sirius shook his head in faux-offense, “That’s low, mate. I’m not sure if we can be friends after that.”
James slung an arm over his shoulders, “Can you at least suck it up as my brother then and be my best man?” Sirius beamed, the two boys immediately launching into a wresting match that eventually led to Remus getting involved while Peter sighed on the sidelines.
She looked over at Lily, who was also staring at the boys like they were utterly insane.
“Animals…” she exhaled, joining her friend in the kitchen to begin spreading the good news.
———
December 1st, 1978
Sirius got his wish the first week of December, being sent on an introductory mission to trail after a suspected Death Eater in the hopes of discovering new members and possibly new sympathizer safe houses. Remus was slated to partner him, the two of them setting out midday Friday to Diagon Alley. They’d all known for over a week about the mission, but no amount of time could’ve prepared her for the acidic nausea that hit the moment Sirius opened the front door to leave. She hadn’t slept in days, running every possibility over and over again in her mind while staring at the ceiling of their bedroom. What if one of them was captured? What if they didn’t make it back? Too many things could go wrong, and Sirius didn’t seem to think anything of it.
“I’ll be back later tonight, relax love,” he pressed a kiss to the crease between her eyebrows, clocking her anxiety immediately. She could feel the electric excitement radiating from him; he was savoring this way too much for her liking. Remus, as usual, was stoic and unreadable, something she usually was able to see right through; this time she couldn’t.
Sirius stepped out the front door and onto the stair landing, “Be good, love you.” He gave her a wry smile and winked. Cheeky fucker.
Remus kissed her head quickly as he walked past to leave. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid,” he murmured before joining his friend outside. The promise oddly made her feel slightly better, but only because it was coming from Remus.
After they both apparated, she tried to busy herself to keep the worrisome thoughts at bay. Cleaning the kitchen was borderline torture, the little clock above the stove kept mocking her plight. Reading took her mind off the silence of the house for a bit, until the telephone rang and sent her practically flying out of the chair.
“Hiya,” she breathed into the receiver, praying that her nerves didn’t sound through. There was only a handful of people who could be calling their muggle phone, but she was thoroughly thankful that it was one specific voice on the other end.
“Alright?” Lily chimed.
She exhaled loudly, no longer worried about keeping her cool. “I’m going out of my mind.”
Lily laughed, “I figured as much. You should’ve seen me during James’ first mission, I think I managed to pick up twelve new hobbies that day just to keep busy.”
Dragging a shaky hand over her face, she groaned. A little over a beat later, Lily’s calm voice filtered down the line.
“They’ll be okay, y’know. Remus is smart and levelheaded, and Sirius is…well he’s not completely inept.”
She choked out a laugh, “Thank you, Lils.”
“Anytime, love. Now, how d’you feel about discussing linen colors?”
———
After talking about different shades of green and cream for over an hour, she said goodbye to Lily. The sun had set and she decided to forgo dinner, not having much of the stomach for it right now anyway, settling to go to bed early instead. Taking the slowest and most detailed shower, she finally sunk into bed, staring at the ceiling and willing the nefarious thoughts to quiet down. Sleep didn’t come, instead replaced by fitful tossing and turning until she finally gave up the fight and got out of bed. Wrapping the large quilt around her body, she padded across the hall to Remus’ room, dragging the makeshift cape behind her. Their bedrooms were night and day: where Remus’ was immaculate and tidy, hers and Sirius’ shared one was chaotic and littered with half-finished cups of tea and piles of clothes. She grinned at the neatly lined books and trinkets on his dresser, the only thing slightly askew being a polaroid Remus had taken of the three of them shortly after moving into the flat. She stared at the little square, the sweaty faces of three best friends that had just lugged furniture up a flight of stairs in the dead of summer; the ear-to-ear smiles on all of their faces; the joy in the eyes of her two favorite men, knowing they had finally found a home they belonged in.
She crawled onto Remus’ bed, burrowing herself beneath the blanket taken from her own. Nestled amongst the scents of her two favorite people, she drifted off to sleep.
———
The following morning, she awoke to a warm wall at her back and a soft, rhythmic breath blowing against her forehead. Cracking open an eye, Sirius’ peacefully sleeping face came into view, their hands intertwined on the pillow between. She could only assume it was Remus behind her, his heavy arm draped over her middle.
They were here. They were safe.
Snuggling back into the cocoon of warmth, she closed her eyes, desperate to spend a few more hours in peaceful comfort, even if just for a little while.
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