whatsername-x

[whatsername-x]

heres another selfish post, i guess. after forever.

i think about the noose every other night when things get too much inside. i thank God sometimes for putting me in a place where guns are almost impossible to own because, i think and dream about pulling the trigger in my mouth way too often. i remember how i used to try to kill myself and will always fail. i stopped and got exhausted of dealing with whats in my head, its like a benign tumor. but somedays it feels like it became cancer and it wants me to die. but im too tired to express much of it, i just sleep it off to shut it off. and i dont think anyone understands that sometimes its not in my control. these things, these feelings, these fatigue i feel all the time, im really not in control of them. i dont want them at all. im trying my best.

but trying my best can be exhausting. trying my best to wake up every morning. trying my best not to skip my medication. trying my best to hold on. trying my best to not give in to my thoughts. trying my best not to procrastinate. trying my best not to breakdown. trying my best to be okay. trying my best not to hurt or get hurt. i know my best may never be enough and i dont think i can hold on much longer. im sorry for being silly thinking i can be there for anyone else, when i really barely am here for myself.

i really want to end it all because it hurts to be alive. im not strong enough for this. for you. for anyone. for myself. im not strong enough. and im sorry. i may or may not wake up tomorrow and im sorry. 

[whatsername-x]

You have a place in this world, and you’re filling it well.

[whatsername-x]

[whatsername-x]

[whatsername-x]

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[whatsername-x]

[whatsername-x]

[whatsername-x]

“these stars are for you, child.”

[whatsername-x]

by  b r e e

[whatsername-x]

[whatsername-x]

Being kidnapped when having a blocked nose probably makes it a hundred times worse

[whatsername-x]

i want to cuddle and cuddle and cuddle and cuddle and cuddle and cuddle and cuddle and cuddle and cuddle

[whatsername-x]

[whatsername-x]

Bats illuminated by lightning

[whatsername-x]

hey.

I should be completing my report by now but instead, I’ve been searching comfort in music, food and notifications of her, fighting thoughts of putting myself to sleep forever. i’m typing here just to put myself at ease before shifting back to the word doc. 

Im so fucking tired of the dumb anxiety attacks i get and the flashflood of depressing thoughts i get in the most inconvenient time. well, no time is ever convenient for that. but you know, at least not when im supposed to get a submission done by tmr. 

right now, i feel a wall inside me that stops me from being productive. its this heavy weight in my chest and all i been wanting to do is cry but i dont and that just hurt my head. i dont understand, why am i like this and why i feel all these things and why i have all these thoughts when really, my life right now seems to be in place. 

i have a very loving, supportive family. i have the most caring and understanding mother. i have friends that cares. i have the most amazing, most beautiful partner that loves me the way i never thought anyone could ever love me. i have a job, means, i have money. i have a job that i love, actually. im studying something i love and not needing to pay any shit for that. i have a place i can call home. i have people that loves me, supports me and cares for me. dude, i have almost everything.

its not that im not happy. in fact, i think ive been the happiest ever! its like my heart, my mind, my body and my soul arent coordinating well. at all. have you ever been so happy but so sad at the same time? cause most of the time, thats me.

its like i feel so happy and free and i sit down and stare over something and realise how im actually.. really.. really sad and just wanna put myself to sleep forever. then i think about her face, or my mom’s face and i rmb why i dont want to do that. i want a tomorrow. 

but you know, it always. always. cross my mind. and i hate it. why do i wanna die so much when i have almost everything in life right now..

right now, im also really pretty fucking deeply in love with this girl and i swear to god she makes me feel amazing. and its crazy. and i get so fucking happy man.. so fucking happy that i just keep wanting to cry about it??? like wtf is wrong with me? i get so emotional and i just wanna cry just to release everything that i held back. and it really isnt sadness or anything negative sometimes i cry like a fucking sad hippo because im so fucking happy? but it still hurts my chest trying to hold back happy tears too you know?? it fucking sucks dude idk whats wrong with me. can i just be happy without feeling any sort of pain or discomfort. i want to be okay for more than just a day.

im starting to sound high now. i shall stop typing here and get back to work. i just... miss talking to her. her phone probably died or she is probably busy at work but i get so uneasy, its fucking dumb. lol anyway. if anyone ever reads this, sorry i wasted your precious time on these. i just needed a space to release my nonsensical feelings and thoughts out. but also thanks for reading, i guess? idk why youre reading this but lol hi. ok so idek if i will ever make sense out of myself. i just hope i wont give in to my dumb thoughts, its scary how i have no control of it sometimes. now i just hope i can complete my report before its due time.

ok bye.

[whatsername-x]

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