whisperinthenet - Tumblr blog

[whisperinthenet]

It's been 2 months.

I am trying to move on. And you still haven't cared to reach out.

I am trying so hard. And yet your face still haunts my soul.

I dreamt of you last night. We embraced. Do you still dream of me too?

[whisperinthenet]

And now my stomach hurts. Because if it IS true, and she really doesn't think she broke up with me, that means I'm hurting her.

And I don't want to hurt her. I didn't want to hurt anyone. This isn't fair

[whisperinthenet]

as long as im Lebanese muslim, this will probably always happen with arabic girls i even consider having a connection with. 

where the whole relationship leverages on what’s halal or not. Whether you can even hold hands. Even express with words how you feel... What their Baba approves of. Even if everyone is an adult. Having your emotions and relationship be manipulated through third parties. And it wont matter HOW americanized they claim to be. Or even the opposite... when people get even a whif of you with the opposite sex and people force the fuck out of it where you dont WANT to consider that person at all.

if you gave me a chance to be born into a different ethnicity or culture, i’d do it in a heartbeat. 

[whisperinthenet]

they probably wont apologize for what they did to me either. they will probably spin it to say “I explained everything so i dont have to apologize.”

[whisperinthenet]

This isnt fair

...i decided to make this a secondary blog. because i have no where else safe to vent.

So.. to sum up why... the girl i loved (We’ll call her.. Heather) broke up with me night after valentines day. About 6 weeks ago from this post. After months of talking, waiting for her to come back to the U.S, her ghosting me for 6 weeks,  and then coming back, and 4 more months of romance,  and trying to see her, with every in-person meeting a blessing, and one final ghosting... it ended. 

Becuase of a stupid Lebanese culture of conservatism. Her dad found out we were more than friends and did not approve, and took her phone. Even though she was an adult in her mid 20s. Why? Like a said. Lebanese culture of conservatism. After 11 days of ghosting me she said we had to re-establish boundaries as it wasnt appropriate, and with everything going on in her life it wasnt right to pursue anything more. I took it respectfully. Tried to say goodnight nicely, one last time, only to be met with a “Oh, sorry, you can’t use that pet name for me anymore! Goodnight!” And that was it.

I resisted every moment to contact her since. 

I had just finally made my peace with things. With her not coming back. With her dad not approving and how it wasn’t going to work. I was open to us maybe being friends or even just friendly in the future. But I finally made my peace. I even finally matched into residency to continue my medical training. My next 3 years were gonna be too busy anyway.

And now today...her sister messages me out of no where. She’s always been a sweet person, so i never broke contact with her. She just asks me a straight forward question: “Why don’t you talk to Heather anymore?” Which confused the crap out of me. According to her, she WASNT breaking up with me, that she wanted a more “grounded” relationship. Which made no sense to me... it WAS a break up. I had friends look over that conversation. it WAS a break up.

And now I’m being told it wasnt, and she’s been wondering why i havent spoken to her. How was I supposed to take this? Was she confused? 

So asked Heather’s friend to answer one question, on a different platform. 

“She KNOWS she broke up with me, right?”

And, paraphrasing, her short asnwer was “I dont want to get in the middle of this but no, she didn’t. She just wanted to take it slower.”

...so... now I feel confused, insulted and hurt. because now it’s not fair.

I made my peace. I was 85% moved on. I finally became comfortable knowing that it wasn’t my fault. I knew she had a lot going on and felt she wanted to move on too. And NOW it turns out I’M the asshole? That I’VE been acting like I’m breaking up with HER? This isn’t fair.. I’m now being made to be the bad guy here. I did nothing wrong.  i cant just casually talk friendly with someone like that and ignore more feelings being hurt, or ignore my attraction.

So, options of what is happening:

1. She didn’t make it clear, I thought it was a break up, and despite finally moving on and liking myself again, turns out I was the asshole the whole time.

2. It really was a break up, but she doesnt understand how breakups work. She gets hurt.

Either way, all this time she could have SAID SOMETHING during this whole time i was silent. When she ghosted me, I at least TRIED to make contact. The one time theres silence from me (because of a break up in my POV) there’s no effort?

3. I’m being gaslighted.

Why now? I dont know. And now I dont know how to handle these feelings i thought i finally got over. 

Ho do i handle this...

I confront her directly? Be the asshole and hurt my own feelings in the process of hurting her? And that will hurt everything.

or.. I dont talk to her. If she decides to talk to me, then tell her. Tell her from my view that you broke up with me. You were the one that hurt me. And I was finally getting better and you can’t mess with my head like that... and i’d be the asshole to point that out, and that it cant go back to how it was.. even tho i wish so bad that it did..

but it shouldnt.