wildflower-rain

[wildflower-rain]

DID is forcing me to reckon with the difference between knowing what happened and remembering it

[wildflower-rain]

I've talked more than enough about DID and how much I loathe the ways DID is explained and the ways I would personally explain DID, what it is, what it's like, etc. in much easier-to-understand ways and in ways that make much more sense than "DID is when alters take over your body and you just feel like you basically teleported." So let me talk about my experience.

"Alters" for me are literally just observing what my behaviors, feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. are in the moment and deciding on a name I like for myself in that moment (or just deciding on something to call myself, even if it's a descriptor like "Depressed Alter" or something) and determining that the feelings, behaviors, etc. I was displaying in that moment will be called/named that name/descriptor/whatever.

And then having to try and learn "am I displaying those same feelings, opinions, thoughts, behaviors, etc. right now?" and if so, having to assume that I'm that alter that I named/called (whatever)

And doing that over and over and over and over and

It's really that simple for me

[wildflower-rain]

Before discovering I had DID, I was very skeptical of those who claimed to have it. I would ask if they were diagnosed and make sure they said it was by a psychiatrist. That was ignorant, and now I have a very different view.

I had a psych evaluation recently, and she said at the end of it that I checked every single box for DID, but because I was schizophrenic, it was better explained by delusion, so I didn't get professionally diagnosed with it. That pissed me the fuck off given I went through months of testing just to be told that, by a different person, I would most likely be diagnosed with DID. That was the final push I needed to be pro-self diagnosis.

You know yourself best, and as long as you do your research and examine your motives behind wanting a label like dissociative identity disorder, or any other disorder/mental illness label for that matter, fucking go for it.

I am anti-psych for the most part, and the only reason I use diagnostic labels is so I can easily give someone a word that captivates all my symptoms rather than explaining the many that I exhibit.

I just wanted to ramble a bit about my views.

[wildflower-rain]

i need to soapbox about DID more, because its kinda like being trans, you'd think that you'd notice if you had it but that's just cultural osmosis giving a skewed impression, statistically you probably wouldn't. statistically you need to do rigorous work to notice.

[wildflower-rain]

Recovery, As A Word

Recovery is a very charged word.

Recovery is a word that brings up a lot of different feelings for me.

For a lot of people, recovery can be a word that is comforting, soothing. Recovery can also be a word that is clinical, made up of other people's expectations and divorced from what is personal. Sometimes the word recovery even brings other words to mind; Abandonment, assimilation, abstinence.

I think particularly of my time in the psych ward; A place where recovery has nothing to do with what I want and is not my choice, but rather exists as some pre-determined standard to meet before they may consider releasing me again. In that space, recovery is a contract you sign, swearing to a team of doctors that you are not-mad and not-suicidal and not-yourself - at least for a little while, at least until they lock you up again, and then you must do the entire dance of "Recovery" all over again. Recovery there is a performance, entertainment for people with power over you.

Even outside of the psych ward, recovery often brings these concepts to mind for me. Recovery is easily digestible, understandable (who would want to be mad, anyway, right??), and above all, inspirational.

Recovery, in a capitalist ableist society, becomes a product - Subscribe to this treatment, this pill, this therapy, this program. You want to recover, don't you? Who wouldn't want to recover? Recovery is great! Start your self-discovery self-care self-love wholesome journey today and become Just Like Us!*

*Terms and conditions may apply. Of course, we don't believe you'll actually recover (you'll always be mad!), but if you manage to fake it, we can chop up your story, your most intimate experiences, your whole life into convenient bite-sized pieces and sell that, too. Everyone loves a good "the disabled freak gets cured and becomes Normal and Healthy, Just Like Everyone Else" story!

Over the years, I have tried consistently to just focus on my own idea of recovery for myself, my own definitions and goals and journey. Something specific and personal to me, even if it didn't always conform to the popular narrative and ideas of what recovery is. And that's still important to me and something I consider important to talk about; I want other people to know that recovery doesn't have to mean not being yourself. I want people to know that recovery can be really messy. I want people to know that recovery can look exactly like disorder, and I want people to know that recovery is not incompatible with being mad, regardless of whatever gets shoved onto us. I want people to know that recovery is not some final destination that you reach, and that recovery doesn't have to mean abstinence from symptoms or addiction (and maybe it even means more symptoms for some of us, not less) and that recovery doesn't have to mean losing your community.

I want to turn recovery into a nonsense word, free to be defined however we choose, rather than chosen for us by others.

At the same time, I struggle a lot with how people see me ever since I started talking more about recovery. I struggle a lot with feeling used and feeling like I'm not being seen or treated as just another person. I struggle with feeling like others often put me on a pedestal and objectify me. I often worry that my words will not be taken with consideration and care, but rather will be consumed as though I am a product.

Let me be clear: I do not consent to being used this way. I don't exist to be other people's goals or inspiration or example.

Recovery, to me, doesn't mean being "healthy" or "normal" or even "not disordered". Recovery, at it's simplest, is just about learning who I am and how to be myself, and I am messy, disordered, mad - even while "recovered". The difference is not necessarily in my symptoms or my behavior (though I have touched on that topic before); I would consider myself recovered without any of that.

Primarily, the difference between the me that exists now and the me that existed pre-recovery is that I have come to know myself very well, and even love myself very much, something I'd never had before. I even love my madness, most days. I have more tools to care for myself and to advocate for myself and others. I have more ability to help others in my community and I have a far stronger grasp on what has happened to me, and I can put these skills towards creating change. I now have the language - the words - to talk about it.

Recovery is a very charged word; so I will use it with care.

[wildflower-rain]

Ok so therapy is like a map. It won't fix your problems for you but it will give you a guide of where to go and how to improve. Learning the commonly used tools and techniques can genuinely help you improve even if you're not in therapy.

That's the reason things like self diagnosis can be extremely helpful in some cases. It gives you a starting point as to what skills to build up and where to look for more treatment information. Plus like if/when you start looking for therapist, you know a bit about what kind of therapist to look for and what you want in a therapist.

[wildflower-rain]

oh yeah i'm just kinda in a weird mood rn now haha

and by mood i mean

well

heh heh

let's just say

alters

[wildflower-rain]

A history of trauma can make peace feel like boredom

I'm bored.

Are you bored?

Maybe you're unsettled, unsure, anxious, or irritable

Maybe sometimes it feels like boredom

Why?

My entire life I searched for peace and calm, and I've always been told that happiness will follow it

So why am I unsatisfied?

Dr. Nicole LePera said this:

When leaving trauma cycles, expect to be bored. That’s a good sign. You’re leaving the cycle of emotion addiction:

When we’re used to cycles of chronic stress, drama, and overwhelm, we get stuck in fight or flight. Cortisol and adrenaline are a constant in the body.

We subconsciously seek this environment to feel alive or “like ourselves”.

...

When the body is coming out of chronic nervous system dysregulation, there is a transition phase. No longer getting constant spikes of cortisol we might feel bored, restless, or irritated.

Boredom is healthy. It does take some getting used to. You’ll be surprised at how much you subconsciously feel a pull towards emotional activation.

...

We have not evolved to be in cycles of chronic stress that never end.

It will be unfamiliar, at first. Soon, it will feel like peace.

Many trauma survivors report a vague sense of emptiness and boredom when they are not angry, under duress, or involved in activities that activate emotional responses. Reexposure to trauma is known to act as a pain reliever, equivalent to 8mg of morphine.

We crave the release of dopamine and endorphins that follow stress, something we're used to and understand-- something that makes us feel alive and active

The question then becomes,

Are there healthy ways to engage with activities that give you that "kick"?

I'd like to think there are.

Mindfulness, attention to the people in your close inner circles, and frequent breaks are just a few small steps.

Does anyone have any tips or stories? Maybe another perspective?

[wildflower-rain]

Over-Reliance on Pathologicalization

I see frequently in system spaces this need to prove oneself, or ones opinions, through a medical lens. I do not believe that this is a good thing, and I think it's actually frequently indicative of the trauma so many of us have experienced. I wanted to write a post about my thoughts, both about the over-reliance on medical sources as proof and the over-pathologicalization of symptoms. Be warned, this is about to get heavy on the vocabulary!

TL;DR: Uncertainty in life leads to fear, which leads people to try to validate their experiences through something that feels less uncertain — such as medical articles. This leads to a circular thought that everything is medical because everyone is trying to prove things medically. It’s important to seek internal validation instead.

I am of the belief that frequently (though not always), the need of systems to have a medical source to back up every opinion they have is based on the fear they have surrounding uncertainty. Uncertainty has been a major stressor in my life; it leads to me feeling unsafe, which leads to trauma triggers frequently. I believe that, in order to feel less uncertain, traumatized individuals (or simply people who fear uncertainty) rely on what they believe to be more concrete, less abstract, "solid proof." There's many issues with that -- primarily that medical sources often are not the solid proof an individual is looking for - that I'll get into in a moment. First, I want to play out a scenario to really highlight what I mean here:

A system has memories of being a system at age 6. They're vague and uncertain memories, but they feel like they were a system then. However, they've seen people get fakeclaimed often online for being "to young" and having a system at a young age. This makes them fear they are not a system; they struggle with self doubt. This leads them to seek out validation from someone they trust more than themselves -- namely, someone they feel cannot be argued with, an authority. They look up documents and papers, blog posts and mythbusting, and they find things that support that DID forms due to trauma from ages 6-9. They taut this as their evidence, making large posts about how DID forms due to trauma from ages 6-9.

Then, this system is confronted by an individual who states they are diagnosed with DID, but did not have trauma from ages 6-9. Their trauma came long after this. To accept this fact about the new user would require the system to return to uncertainty; it would require them to admit that their source does not prove that they are valid; it just speaks to an idea/concept. So instead, they double down and insist that DID can only form between ages 6-9 due to trauma. Eventually, they are provided a source about how the age range goes up as high as 12 years old, and they apologize for the original post -- but this is not going to help the bruised feelings of everyone who was hurt in the rampage of uncertainty.

In the above scenario, uncertainty is to be avoided at all costs; it feels unsafe and dangerous, and therefore, must be erased. Things must be proven, somehow. However, there is no proof of certain topics in syscourse. I chose an example I see pop up now and then, based on the DID-Research.org links I see float around often, and I think it very well highlights how the reliance on sources that appear to have authority (regardless of if they actually do or not) impacts system spaces. Every opinion is somehow now treated like a fact that must be proven with science.

The pipeline is blatantly clear. Uncertainty --> Doesn't fit Window of Tolerance --> Uncertainty goes away after finding any certainty, regardless of the validity of the source --> Questioning reactivates uncertainty --> To avoid discomfort/distress, the certainty from outward sources is doubled down on.

The issue being that many times, the sources fall into various categories:

Not actually medical

Not actually saying what is being said

Not actually medically valid

Incredibly old or outdated

Incredibly narrow

And plenty more where that came from.

However... I see those who combat this lack of certainty, and I frown, because oftentimes, they rely on the exact same pipeline. The act of combating this lack of certainty with medical sources proving the other sources wrong, at best, continues the other party's reliance on medical sources as the end-all-be-all of certainty. It continues the seeking of external validation, which isn't actually beneficial.

Now, to get this out of the way: I am very blatantly not saying that medical sources are a bad thing. I use them frequently in discussion, I reference them myself, and I find reading them fascinating! I just think that, sometimes, it should be acknowledged that anecdotal evidence is also valid. Medical sources do not validate my own personal system experiences. They give guidelines for medical patients and studies, but I am not the participants of those studies; if I want, for instance, proof that my trauma is what led to my DID, I will never find that in a medical paper. I will never find proof that I am a DID system in those pages. I must seek my own internal validation.

Which is where the over-pathologization of systemhood comes into play in the community frequently. Every symptom of this disorder show needs defended; every aspect of my disorder needs medical validation. This is pathologizing things that��� don’t always need it.

For instance: sign offs. “Sign offs increase dissociation!” Yep they can! Congrats. They also help alleviate dissociation sometimes. “But here’s a source on-“ May I ask why you’re pathologizing sign-offs?

By pathologizing, I mean, “turning a normal thing into a medical problem to be solved.” I see singlets sign off on things, even singlets with dissociation, but I don’t see them getting told it’s making their functioning worse. I can guarantee there’s not been a study done into the impact of signing off on a tumblr blog on an individual’s dissociation — nor should there be. It’s a ridiculous waste of resources, because signing off on a post isn’t a pathological problem. It’s… it’s just a thing people do.

Not every aspect of a pwDID’s life is going to be shrouded in recovery from symptoms. Sometimes they’re just existing.

I feel like insisting that everything needs to be proven medically leads to this circular reasoning that, by that token, everything is medically relevant. If you struggled more due to proxying, the need for the validation of certainty leads you to pathologize the act of Using A Username, and seeking any medical sources that could be potentially interpreted as being in agreement with you.

At the end of the day… so little of that matters. What matters is for each system to seek their own internal validation; to be at ease with themselves without giving into the need to seek out an “authority.” You already are the authority in your own life! You’re the one experiencing it.

[wildflower-rain]

002: SWITCHING

You’re going about your day when, suddenly, a little fronts. Fear washes over them—shaky breaths, a racing heart, maybe even tears. They don’t know where they are or what’s happening.

You stop what you’re doing. Deep breath. Stay calm.

Gently, you whisper, “It’s okay. You’re safe. It’s [year]. The bad things aren’t happening anymore.” You grab a blanket or a stuffed animal, something small to help ground them.

At first, they just curl up, silent. But after a moment, their breathing slows. A tiny voice finally asks, “Really?”

You give a soft smile. “Really.” And for now, that’s enough.

[wildflower-rain]

Oh huh. I just thought about a topic I rarely have seen in system communities.

People like to talk about how innerworlds can shift and change to reflect both trauma and recovery — but what about parts?

We’ve had something interesting where our nonhuman parts, in our recovery, have grown less human. Numb rarely, if ever, is in his full human form anymore — because that form represented our repression of all emotion, which wasn’t healthy. And Ve and Tavi have only gotten more notably nonhuman over time. The only one who is more human is Debra, entirely due to the desire for connection.

It’s not “shapeshifting” — Tavi can’t change how he looks like that, and Ve doesn’t want to. It’s just that things shift and change over time as we grow.

[wildflower-rain]

DID IS NOT RARE DID IS NOT RARE DID IS NOT RARE DID IS NOT RARE DID IS NOT-

[wildflower-rain]

more of a rant or vent than any thought-out stance.

i find the concept of 'willogenic,' purposefully created systems to be rather insulting.

you have no idea what it's like to suffer and struggle in this particular way. you have no idea how hard it is to lack a sense of identity. you do not get to compare yourself to the people who do.

i will never understand why anyone chooses this.

[wildflower-rain]

When people tell me, "Oh, I'm a system," you know what I assume?

Literally nothing.

They could mean they're endogenic. They could mean they have a CDD. They could mean they're traumagenic but nondisordered. They could mean quoigenic. They could mean mixed-origins. They could mean singlet but a little bit plural maybe. They could mean polymind. They could mean some origin label I've never heard of before.

And it literally won't matter what they mean, because systemhood is already such a varied experience, even within just the CDD spectrum, that someone telling me they're a system would mean nothing for if we're anything alike, or if our experiences are similar.

I share more in common with my singlet spouse than I do with many, many of the CDD systems I meet online.

Some of y'all need to realize that someone saying they're a system, and you assuming what that means, is on you -- not them.

[wildflower-rain]

I know you’ve mentioned before how you’ve had alters go dormant a bit after they’ve formed. I’m a questioning system who (I think) has had fictives who form and the seemingly go away after a month or more/less. I struggle with knowing whether I was just kin with the character or making it all up. Do you struggle with feeling like you’re faking it with alters and how do you tell if it’s actually an alter or just a brief kin or liking a character. (Sorry if this is worded poorly)

it's worded just fine, don't worry. :) but yeah! that kind of dormancy is something we deal with pretty frequently. while we don't feel this way so much anymore, in the past we've struggled a little with the kind of worry you're talking about. it's been frustrating trying to rule alternatives out when we think someone new might've shown up.

after a while we honestly just tried to stop worrying so much about the "why" of things like that, though. our mindset is really just, if we think someone new's around, we'll treat it as such if we feel it would help us to do so. why they're around (or why we think they're around) becomes pretty irrelevant when we're just prioritizing our needs in the moment. if they end up sticking around, that's okay (that's usually our way of telling that it was a 'genuine' alter and not any alternative), and if they don't that's okay too. we don't dwell on it as much as we used to, and we think that's helped us a lot.

overall our advice is to just focus on what's the most beneficial for you in the present. the answers about things like that will come to you on their own. your wellbeing right now is the priority :) we wish you luck with your questioning too!

[wildflower-rain]

Something I was talking about with some friends in a server last night that's still on my mind is how late-stage recovery CDD systems are not really treated like people, more like a goal or a symbol (simultaneously of health and violence, depending on who you ask). We're also not really treated like we may still benefit from community and resources, there's not much out there in terms of information or spaces and we're often treated like we don't really belong when we try to be a part of general CDD spaces.

I often feel really objectified as someone in "late stage" recovery, especially when I am operating as fully fused. My experiences are used as fuel for arguments, I'm simultaneously demonized and put on a pedestal, but I'm not often really treated like just any other person with DID.

I often feel like I'm not really allowed to have symptoms or have periods where I am not doing so well with my DID, people expect me to be "cured" and at the same time are very quick to remind me that "fusion can always fail and you'll split again".

It feeds a lot into the perfectionism I struggle with that I mentioned in this post.

I have noticed that most CDD systems in the spaces I've frequented are early-recovery or no-recovery, and a good amount are also pretty new to figuring out they're a system and/or CDD, which is fine, just means there's not really a lot of late-stage recovery folks around and a lot of misinformation tends to get spread about late-stage recovery. I often feel pretty alienated from the community with the point I'm at with my DID and recovery.

When I talk about my experiences with fusion and recovery, it is often that others don't really get what I'm talking about, and that can be really isolating.

As well, most system spaces focus a lot on having alters/parts, and on being separate individuals, and on splitting, and my system just doesn't really... work that way anymore, unless I'm doing particularly poorly and need that sort of separation. My parts more or less function like IFS parts more than DID parts nowadays, a lot of the time. I even started working with an IFS therapist recently.

At this point, IFS is actually more of a helpful framework for understanding my system than what the CDD community has been providing me, because the CDD community largely just doesn't really have any resources for systems that don't function like early-recovery systems do, or any understanding of the differences in system function.

And I kind of just... wish it was different, because I love the CDD community, it has been my home for quite a while now and it always will be, I think. I just often don't really feel as supported as someone with DID in a later stage of recovery as I was in an earlier stage of recovery, and that makes me feel kind of sad. I've largely had to find resources on my own, and aside from the small community of late-stage DID recovery folks on here I don't really get that same sense of shared experiences or community anymore.

[wildflower-rain]

I'm the one who emailed Colin Ross

My story is becoming a bit of a jumbled mess of history, so here's a reminder

I went to Ross to talk about his paper from the 80s, where he talked about people with multiple personalities, or endogenic multiples, his words, without dysfunction and abuse histories.

And I said, "Surely, Doctor Ross, you're not talking about these filthy endos, right? You meant TRAUMA histories-- expanding the list of typical types of abuse that cause DID? Important DID history, right?"

And he basically responded with, "I said what I said, no abuse OR trauma histories. It's actually kind of common. What's the big deal? DID is caused by trauma, but that's not the only way."

Now, keep in mind, I told him EVERYTHING. About tumblr, Twitter, syscourse, both sides' talking points. I didn't hold back.

And I didn't hold back in my disdain for the endogenic community, either. Remember what I was posting two or three years ago.

And I held on to that conversation for YEARS while I continued to talk to other doctors and researchers-- Clayton, Loewenstein, some less known ones but still doctors, from multiple countries.

Not one denied the possibility or existence of "those horrible fucking endos" that I was so mad about.

Take it or leave it. That's all that happened.

And finally, remember, his eye beam goggles were for a cash prize paranormal contest.

He won an award for worst invention, but not the contest. So sad 😞