wilkins

[wilkins]

"Take It Easy (On Fury Road)" by (War) Eagles

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My byline in the hallowed pages of McSweeney's Internet Tendency last Thursday. Truly an honor.

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I have spoken to Mr. Blofeld (often with witnesses, but because of their identical helmets and silver jumpsuits, it will be difficult for me to identify them individually) on no more than a handful of occasions, all of which (with the exception of small talk during a helicopter flight to his private volcano fourteen years ago) consisted of brief and casual comments at events attended by large groups seated around a table shaped like an octopus.

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With apologies to Alan J. Pakula and his editor, John W. Wheeler.

(And to numerous inspirations, like filmmakers Adam Curtis, John Wilson, Jodie Mack, and of course the late, great Kenneth Anger -- all masters of modernity in their own way.)

Audio sampled from The Parallax View (1974; Paramount). Video clips sampled from The Almighty Algorithm (2023; The Internet).

Made entirely with my fingers on my iPhone.

Rest In Peace, KA.

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Pauline’s first day of kindergarten // Cornell Elementary // August 15, 2022 (at Albany, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/ChX5T2PP4Pb/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Red, White & Blue // July 4, 2022 https://www.instagram.com/p/Cfm1g2WPnO5/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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I Love Rats

I love rats. Always have. My dad loved rats. His pappy loved rats. It’s in our culture. You could say they passed down their appreciation for rats through wholesome family traditions involving rats, but the truth is, I would have been obsessed anyway. Rats were always on TV growing up, and I can barely think of a video game I played as a kid where my avatar didn’t wield a rat. Now, it is certainly no secret within the Liberal Media that some people find my devotion to vermin to be “perverse” or “sadistic” -- especially in light of the many dozens of rat-bite massacres over the last thirty years that have killed hundreds, including children and teachers in American elementary school classrooms. But their ignorant judgment is beside the point. All that matters is this: my personal affinity for hoarding rats, breeding rats, and advocating on behalf of rats as if the rats themselves had the capacity to agree with what I argue is protected by the United States Constitution. And nothing will ever change that, because worshipping rats just makes sense. “Now,” you might say, “this is America so you’re allowed to feel however you want as long as it’s not too negative about Marvel movies, but your rat-love is bad for society.” And I will say: WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH IF IT DOESN’T AFFECT YOU? And then you will say all snooty, “Because every year in said society unacceptable numbers of people are killed by rats--“ And that will be the first place where you are wrong and refuse to acknowledge it! Because THE FACT is, it’s THE PLAGUE that killed those people. Just because the rats injected Plague into those people via rat-bite does not mean the rats are responsible in a prime-causality sort of way! If you are so concerned about this non-problem, then why not address Death Himself instead of Death’s Messenger, The Rat? I mean: have you ever asked yourself why you aren’t drafting legislation to ban the Plague instead of hassling God-fearing rat-loving Americans about their Constitutionally protected beliefs? Are you sure you’re not acting as a Useful Idiot for Big Plague? But that’s another rat-fact you fail to understand: Most rats don’t carry Plague and some rats don’t participate in rat-massacres at all! More often, rats are used for family traditions, like hunting (rats love carcasses) and posing for photos on social media about how rat-owners are marching for their rights. Rats aren’t just animals -- they’re a symbol with vicious teeth and disgusting claws and you can’t control a symbol! Because really: if the practice of hoarding rats served as such an easily identified red flag about a human-person’s value system, then why am I arguing that it’s Good, Actually with such a rat-fink grin? Once you’re finished scream-crying you will inevitably say something like, “This makes no sense. We need to limit the number of rats in society in order to stop the damage caused especially by rats.” And once again you will have fallen into a peanut-butter logic-trap that would easily be avoided by a rat, which is a cunning animal with an evolved sense of wisdom! Because you have no idea how many rats are really out there! Who is to say that banning the sale of rats will reduce the number of rat-bites delivered to ankles that should be wearing kevlar at all times if they don’t want a little nip? You can’t know the number and the CDC won’t study it because that would mean they’re biased! Next argument, Willard! And you will say what you always say, which is: We know for a fact that the United States is the only nation with a rat-death problem, and it’s the only country that allows citizens to buy, sell, collect, hoard, deify, and post continuously on social media about how great rats are. The widespread rat-love is both a symptom and the disease. But those facts signal the true answer like Master Splinter pointing silently atop a warm cheese pizza: We have good rats among us! They must rise up and stop the bad rats wherever they are, which can apparently be anywhere at any time for any reason (particularly white supremacy). The only way to stop a bad rat with plague is to bring a good rat with plague to the same location and let them claw it out! More rats, not fewer! That speaks to maybe the greatest problem I see with arguments trying to ban rats: Felidae-enslaving coastal elites wouldn’t know a Rattus norvegicus from a Bandicota. For me, caressing my rats, cleaning their fur, and constantly talking about them to people who agree with me before I speak is a soothing, wholesome activity that doesn’t raise uncomfortable questions about what it means to love an entity that is frequently associated with death. My Haters, on the other hand, know only rumors and headlines about rats, and therefore cannot participate in arguments where I suggest not having memorized rat physiognomy disqualifies their opinion that began as a reflection on deadly rat-massacres. In the end, the Framers solidified my rights as a rat-owner in the Constitution because they understood what America is truly about. They understood, better than my peers who experience the rat-massacres in real-time, the signal importance of establishing arcane processes that legally protect the entirely inexplicable but never-questioned love that millions of Americans feel toward a killing machine that does not know they exist. It just makes sense. Always has.

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Our language deserves a word to describe when the gap between one’s appreciation of a topic and one’s ability to contribute that topic are separated by a yawning chasm. I love this zen koan, and I’m going to speculate why across the next 700 pages of this single-spaced thesis!

This is roughly 20% of all social media activity.

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West Side Story

Me: OK, so I’m just going to tell you something about what happens next so you understand. The two gangs are going to rumble, like they said, and Riff is going to die. It’s a little scary and very sad.

P (age 4): Tony is going to die!?

Me: No, not Tony. Riff, his friend in the Jets.

P: Oh, so Tony’s OK at the end of the movie?

Me: Uh… I didn’t say that.

P: So Tony does die!?

Me: You weren’t supposed to ask that! There’s another rumble you don’t know about! If we just watch the movie rather than talk about it it makes sense!

P: There’s too much killing in this movie! These boys always to want to kill each other!

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Walter Murch in conversation about THE CONVERSATION @ BAMPFA // November 6, 2021 // #35mm #ibtech #q&a #bampfa (at Berkeley Art Museum & Pacific Film Archive) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWHFqjzBwjZ/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Coen Bros. Halloween Cosplay, Year 5: BURNT UMBER edition. (Counting backwards: THE BALLAD OF BUSTER SCRUGGS in ‘20, THE BIG LEBOWSKI in ‘19, O BROTHER WHERE ARE THOU? in ‘18, and RAISING ARIZONA in ‘17.) #fargo #halloween #coenbros #margegunderson #normgundersonbutwithhair #carlshowalter #gaeargrimsrud (at Oakland, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CVtvronpoop/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Wedding Day, Part Deux // Wine & Roses Lodi // #martingothisprizer Photo Credit: @audiocean (at Wine & Roses Hotel.Restaurant.Spa) https://www.instagram.com/p/CTfh5vGhWrP/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Nine months (tomorrow). #rosie (at Twain Harte Lake) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQwROWyp8er/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Sunday in the Park // Clayton, CA // Memorial Day Weekend (at Clayton, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CPgmyUQpUA2/?utm_medium=tumblr

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7.8 months #rosie (at Albany, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CPUe0HrJA7g/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Pauline’s 4th birthday weekend // Albany (at Memorial Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/CN80OhTp2Ww/?igshid=j5zu9a4x0er6