wordsof-mine - Tumblr blog

[wordsof-mine]

How did the sun rise this morning in a world without you in it?

you’re gone

[wordsof-mine]

there’s not another name, or another person. not another heart, or another laugh. another smile, or another’s tears. another’s hand, another’s eyes, another’s soul. there’s not another.

twelve days since (13/11/18)

[wordsof-mine]

“I gave up. Because chasing you was like chasing the moon.”

— three months

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but how many times can he offer me a lifetime to give but a day?

false promises

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“And that’s when I realised that Home isn’t a place It’s a person.”

— home, sweet home.

[wordsof-mine]

I’ll never get over what you’ve done to me.

c.h.

[wordsof-mine]

To the boy who filled me with false promises, Do you remember it like I do? Sitting side by side, our bare feet buried in the sand, hands intertwined, my head laying softly on your shoulder, my eyes focused on the sun rising, your eyes focused on me. Time slipping away from around us. Your soft hands raising me up, spinning me around. Laughing. Always laughing. Pretending to throw me into the warm, salty water. Giggling uncontrollably when I screamed. Running to you. Sand, ocean, beaches whirling by. My legs  around your waist. Safe. Your hands on my cheek. Running through my hair. Your lips touching mines. Simple. Soft. Sweet. Summer. It was always like that with you. Nothing but smiles. Meeting at 3am, returning seven hours later. Searching for constellations together, then staying until the sky was golden. We were wanderers together. Searching the world to find meaning. Exploring each other to find purpose. I remember your eyes so well. They were incredible. Like the night skies we watched together. Little stars within them. The colour changing the longer you looked. First blue, then green, purple, brown, navy, black. A spectacle. The way those eyes looked in mine. The way your hands felt around my waist, as you held me- little did I know how easy it was for those hands of yours to slip. You sat me down, looked me in the eyes and told me everything. You told me about your past. About the first girl who broke your heart. You told me how you fell apart after that and nothing felt the same again for a while. How you treated other girls and how you knew it wasn’t right. How you broke a few hearts along the way and never apologised. You told me that you’ve hurt and been hurt before but you told me that I’m different. There was something special between us. You had never felt like this before. You hadn’t laughed this much, or smiled this much or been this happy with someone in well, ever. You knew how my heart was fragile, how I had been treated before. You knew the bad and the good. And you looked at me with those beautiful eyes and told me you’d never hurt me like the other ones had. I guess you weren’t lying- you hurt me more. Because you made me a promise. You knew what I had been through. You knew and you done it anyway. You made me feel so wanted. You made me feel like after everything, maybe I did have a purpose. Maybe I wasn’t a waste of space and that maybe there was something deep, deep within me that was loveable. Something that you understood. And then one day I never heard from you again. Left clueless, wondering where I had went wrong. Just like the one who ripped my heart out, you disappeared from my life. Leaving me with nothing but confusion, hurt and still without an answer; what is wrong with me?

the beach at 3am

[wordsof-mine]

GLOBAL HELP HOTLINES

If you are feeling like you have nowhere else to go, please try going here first.

UNITED STATES HELP:

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine / Suicide Prevention: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

TTY (text telephone for the deaf): 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway / Missing / Exploited Children: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453

Elder Abuse: 800-252-8966

Aids Hotline: 800-342-AIDS (2437)

Drug & Alcohol Rehab: 1-800-521-7128

US Emergency Shelter: N/A? Anyone know?

CANADA HELP:

Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868, Free and available 24/7

Good2Talk (Canada): 1-866-925-5454, For post-secondary students, free and anonmyous

Mental Health Helpline, 1-866-531-2600

Drug and Alcohol Helpline, 1-800-565-8603

Ontario Problem Gambling Helpline, 1-888-230-3505

Anishnawbe 24/7 Mental Health Crisis Management Service: 416-891-8606  (Aboriginal clients)

Assaulted Women’s Helpline: 416-863-0511; Toll Free 1-866-863-0511

Distress Centre: 416-408-HELP (4357) offers access to emotional support from the safety and security of the closest telephone. Callers can express their thoughts and feelings in confidence. Callers’ issues can include problems related to domestic violence, social isolation, suicide, addictions, mental and physical health concerns. The Distress Centre offers emotional support, crisis intervention, suicide prevention and linkage to emergency help when necessary.

Toronto Rape Crisis Centre: 416-597-8808

Canada Emergency Shelter: Central Intake: 416-338-4766; Toll Free 1-877-338-3398 Streets to Homes Assessment and Referral Centre (129 Peter Street): 416-392-0090 Walk in referral to emergency shelter and street respite.

UNITED KINGDOM HELP:

Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk

b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk

Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600

Drinkline: 0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk

Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

National Self Harm Network 0800 622 6000

No Panic Anxiety Youth Helpline 01753 840393    

GLOBAL SUICIDE HOTLINES:

Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430

Australia: 13-11-14

Austria: 01-713-3374

Barbados: 429-9999

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 391-1270

Brazil: 21-233-9191

China: 852-2382-0000

(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)

Costa Rica: 606-253-5439

Croatia: 01-4833-888

Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67

Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908

Denmark: 70-201-201

Egypt: 762-1602

Estonia: 6-558-088

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 01-45-39-4000

Germany: 0800-181-0721

Greece: 1018

Guatemala: 502-234-1239

Holland: 0900-0767

Honduras: 504-237-3623

Hungary: 06-80-820-111

Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90

India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669

Israel: 09-8892333

Italy: 06-705-4444

Japan: 3-5286-9090

Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292

Malaysia: 03-756-8144

(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)

Malta: 179

Mexico: 525-510-2550

Netherlands: 0900-0767

New Zealand: 4-473-9739

New Guinea: 675-326-0011

Nicaragua: 505-268-6171

Norway: 47-815-33-300

Philippines: 02-896-9191

Poland: 52-70-000

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Spain: 91-459-00-50

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Taiwan: 0800-788-995

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800

Ukraine: 0487-327715

If anyone has more good phone numbers to add to this post, please shoot me a message! Thank you!

[wordsof-mine]

To the boy who never gave me the option, Don’t you know that saying nothing at all doesn’t mean yes. I never said no to you because I never felt like I could. Because in reward you’d offer me things- prizes I guess you could say. But I felt trapped. I felt so controlled and manipulated by you, and I felt this overwhelming desire to be loved and to matter to someone and if maybe I just done what you wanted me to even though I didn’t want to then just maybe you would care about me. I don’t know where it came from, this desire to be wanted. I guess everyone just wants to be loved don’t they? But it’s your fault that I can’t sleep some nights. And it’s your fault I sleep all day to try and escape reality. It’s your fault I’m terrified of being touched but I simultaneously think my worth is based on my appeal to men. Its your fault I spend hours crying and feel like the four walls around me are closing in. It’s your voice that I hear, and it’s your face I see, and it’s your hands I feel and it’s your fault that I’m like this. It’s not mine. You haunt me. You follow me everywhere I go. And you know what the worst part is? You didn’t even mean it. I know you didn’t. You thought it was okay and that everything was fine, but it wasn’t. I always knew that it wasn’t. I was afraid to say no to you. Terrified. Because I didn’t know what you would do to me if I did. I was just an object to you. I was just an object. Just an object.

please God let me sleep tonight x

[wordsof-mine]

Not an ask but your post rings so true. Feels like you are speaking directly from my heart

This means so much, I’m glad you can relate and hopefully not feel so alone in whatever you are going through. Thank you x

[wordsof-mine]

your writing is amazing !

Aw that is so lovely to hear, thank you so much x

[wordsof-mine]

Love your blog😊❤️

Thank you so much!x

[wordsof-mine]

to the boy who ripped my heart out, I had been through so much shit already. I’ve had my heart broken before. I’ve not ate for weeks, and drank nothing but alcohol for months. I’ve not slept at night and replayed abusive conversations over and over in my head. But none of that comes close to what you did to me. Because with the one who came before you I always knew something wasn’t right with him. I knew he wasn’t the one, and I knew my friends and family hated him, and I knew that nothing was ever going to work out. And I knew he didn’t love me. I mean seriously I knew. And after him I fell off the rails-fell apart maybe. I don’t know. Months flew by in a blur. Guy after guy after guy. But somewhere along the line I picked up a little bit of self worth- dusted myself off and felt like the woman I’ve always wanted to be. And I remember getting ready for that night, thinking to myself tonight will be the first I don’t feel the need to base my worth on a guy- the first night I honestly felt like the blur was finally coming to an end. But then you came along. I could sit here and describe you for years because truth is you probably were- and might always be- the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on. And you came and swept me off of my feet. For months, you made me feel like the only person in the world. You were the kindest, most incredible person I have ever been with. You’re the type of man I’d love to bring home to my family; polite, handsome, funny, intelligent, friendly and most of all- you weren’t like anyone else. You weren’t like all of the guys who came before you- especially not that one. You honestly had me falling for you from the first moment we spoke- I wasn’t faking feelings for once I genuinely have never felt like that about anyone in my life. It was a butterfly, heart racing, story book kind of romance, and because of you I finally had faith again. Faith that I actually could be one of those girls that’s lucky enough to find someone like you, to settle down, to finally be my best self, with someone like you by my side. And then one day you just left. You never messaged me again. Pretended I didn’t exist when you seen me. Left me wondering where I’d went wrong, no explanation, nothing. You fucking broke me. You really did. But even now, when I lie awake at night thinking of it- I blame myself. I make excuses for you, because in my eyes you can do no wrong, and if you ever came back to me I’d take you in with open arms. fuck you.

one step forward, two steps back x 

[wordsof-mine]

“But I’ll stare at the stars like you told me to, waiting patiently for any sign of you.”

— stargazing// 3.04am 24.1.17

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being loved by no one is better than being loved by the wrong one

a bitter pill to swallow

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don’t tell me you’ve felt pain until you’ve stood there and watched someone fall out of love with you

hung up x

[wordsof-mine]

a breath of fresh air

-That’s what you were to me