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xomaleriestar · 3 years

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response letter *** aug.9 21

I got a cold from * + * and now im using all the medicines I got you when you were sick but on myself ! I read your letter and I realized im never going to get in your head + a large part of this is your journey ! but im here for a reason and so are you and im soo down for cycles and ups and downs as long as we dont lose malerie. in these times I dont want to convince you of anything but just know that im here and we both have things we need to learn from each other to be our best selves. ive been learning a lot about myself and my behavior and questioning how I think of myself both good and bad. I want to share these things with you but I think I also have a wall up + am hoping that just for now through experience and mental notes I can be better... and whenever the time is right address each thing !

*** I got this today really spontaneously and without much thinking but I was thinking of you --- basically the one below was to commemorate a really hard year I had dealing with my high school bf --- I really loved him and he put me through some really ugly things once we parted but the tattoo was for me and a reminder of unrequited love. this one is for you but I feel there's a greater meaning to it than the fact that I really love you + I can't wait to find out ! <3

its you + me

xoxo malerie

okay i meant to add to my letter more about being sick lmao *** but basically i love taking care of people when they’re sick and always secretly wished to be taken care of that same way (even though i’m really good at it myself)*** but i remember once i was young and sick and my cousin came to give me a banana and i thought it was the sweetest thing lmao *** and my last memory of being taken care of is when i was still in ny and my dad fed me cherry syrup medicine while i was on the toilet and i kept crying bcs i hate cherry syrup

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xomaleriestar · 3 years

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jul.18.21

ahhh ! been so down lately + its been so scary the thoughts ive been having. Im really freaked out about my mental state -- sometimes I wonder if ive always been like this and am in reality just a very sad person or if this is just a passing thing. I really dont feel like myself and it makes me even sadder to think that im possibly worrying you or bringing you down *** you deserve someone (or a version of myself) much happier and fun etc. its silly. I love you so so much + im sorry

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xomaleriestar · 3 years

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xomaleriestar · 3 years

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end phase of mental breakdown period, issues with sexuality, gender

i havent really had thoughts of any of this recently, just that one time when we talked about sex and past your past relationships in ur room about a month ago. last page is about how back in 2014 i had my first best friend, who i became really close with. ive never really been as close with someone and have them understand me. i was really attached to her but i wasnt in love, it was just closure i had never experienced and felt good and i felt understood for the first time in my life. it was before i became friends with M. we even made out once w her drunk but i mean :D it was really funny and boring AND there’s a video of it somewhere, misha joined in w making out so it was a triple person kiss at the end. on the topic of making out- me and misha used to do it as a party trick cuz our friends didnt believe that we werent together.

anyways, that’s the friend whos boyfriend game me a black eye and here’s something ive never told anyone- i tried/really wanted to make the black eye worse by putting a vacuum cleaner onto my eye and sucking out blood, like a hickey. but it really didnt make a difference and it hurt a lot, i did it in misha’s evil stepmoms bathroom lolz. i was really hurt and drained from that friendship on so many levels. she called me two years ago to apologise, we were on the phone for 9 hours talking about everything and honestly i could not care less abt everything but its just funny how i still manage to reference this relationship years after. i even saw her in the summer of 2019 but did not relate to her in any way and it was a strange feeling

but i opened up to you about my gender issues briefly to u, but they’re quite serious and something that i’ve dealt with my entire life and to this day these thoughts cross my mind. but not in the form as when i was a teen

so last page- once in 2013/2014 i was talking with this old best friend and she said ‘’oh probably if you were male we’d be in a relationship’’. it really hit me then bc i was like damn, another reason to be unworthy of love- my gender- im being pulled away from the ability to love and give myself to another person because of my gender. but now i realise how stupid it is, but it kinda stuck with me until now. i blamed all the shit wrong with me on the fact that im female and this feeling of not being enough or rather fear of it carried onto my relationship with you

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xomaleriestar · 3 years

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17.02.2021 at 10:02

so what i wanted to say before initially

is that i read the letter

and was wondering if its still relevant

ok so my response letter its so in heat of the moment and gross but whatever. i wanna share before ur travels and not think about it

i think i have feelings for you too big time but im hella damaged and have big problems w trust so its hard to accept any thoughts of them. i literally cant stop thinking about u and it burns in my chest when i do

its recent, like 2 weeks. always thought im totally tripping out and were totally chill but like bro when i went to take that covid test the other day thats when i realised that it might be a fucking problem cuz i literally felt empty inside w out u and im soso scared sooooo scared of being ok with "feelings" and its really goddamn hard to talk about them as well for me but lets see what happens in the next month

slight overview of damage: the more i open up the more distant i get usually. i've always felt im not worthy of anything good in life and im rotten throughout and its my "destiny" to lean how to give myself away to """"god"""" and reach enlightenment through my own methods

i think all comes from my relationship with my mom which i need to fix before being capable of love cuz ive felt my whole life like i have no idea what it is as i think my mother does not know either. so its been my plan all along to try and learn to love my mother on this trip and forgive her (my whole life i ive been dealing with trauma from my dad so new level now spiritually)

it completely quiet in estonia so my mind is racing but whatever

our souls are connected forever and i feel a very strong connection to u and ur very good to me or just are good

18.02.2021 at 08:15

i love you so fucking much. everytime i look at you or think of you i feel blessed. writing these letters im not sure you even exist anymore. (having flashbacks of i love dick :D)

and i relate with everything you've said

i'm honestly very very very confused as well with these things so don't be scared to move at your own pace and trust yourself first..? there's nothing to prove and we both are free and i dont need you to give me anything you dont want to. everything

at the right place right time. i feel lucky?

on the topic of trust... you are the first person in my life i've connected with only based on my gut feeling. i overthink a lot, but with you i havent had the need to. in the past i would change a lot for a person, but with you i've only gone deeper within and it's gotten me to a point where i have you and for the first time i feel ready and i dont want to distance myself to avoid getting hurt and im totally okay with being completely honest with you. the feeling of trust came very naturally but it's still scary. usually i search for understanding and i always feel i never get it but with you its so different, i dont think about it. i've never actually realised before now that it's trust i've struggled with and it makes sense with every part of my life. trusting myself with my art, trusting others with myself. again, coming back to my upbringing-it defo makes sense cuz i've never trusted my mother

it's defo a strange point in our timeline but im glad we've talked about these things and opened up more

please have a safe flight, i cant wait u to be in nyc already and defo call me i miss u so

15.03.2021 at 01:00

i just remembered that i almost gave away my room away in july and cuz i was so depressed wanted to stay in estonia. found a new person but she literally cancelled like a week before i came back to uk and my init

2:42 am

literally i cant sleep and am spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this voice memo from my dads bday in the summer where my mom got super depressive/manic and is crying and im talking with her and i cant get the fucking sounds out of my head and honestly im shocked i even recorded it. my whole childhood was literally spent by her facing the window in our kitchen, not showing her face and crying and later locking herself up in the bathroom and i literally got the whole thing recorded and its so painful to listen

ugh i cant fall back asleep, spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this crazy voice memo from summer, dads bday where my mom got super manic and i had recorded it and found it yesterday. listened to the whole thing a couple times and now its stuck in my head like some random song. i'll play it to u one day, it's literally my 9-18yrs explained in that recording. my thoughts are rapidly shifting between that voice memo and you, i literally spent the whole day thinking about you.

i once dreamt that i needed to speak to my mother, grabbed her by her shoulder to turn around to see her face but she kept turning around and had no face, only hair. i never saw her face and this one time when i was stoned, i was trying to remember her face and couldnt. now realising that maybe it was because of these moments

19.03.2021 at 10:42

i love you so fucking much i love you i love you i love you so mich i love you i love you i love u love u i love you i love you i love you so much i love you so much im in love woth you i miss you im in love with you im in love with you l love you i love you im in love with you im in love with you i love you i love you im in love im in love love i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so i love you so i love you so much i love you so much i love you i love you i think i really love you i love you so much its hard to breathe and i think i really love you and it feels great to really say it to you

20.03.2021 at 17:12

love u so fucking much coumba honestly i hope youll have an amazing day. im gonna go offline for a bit

had a really strange dream, really mundane. took the metro home from some festival and was living in my grandmas apartment again and elevator was broken so had to take the stairs. but it was super slow and dramatic. on my way up (the apt is on 6th floor) i over heard my neighbour family fight and i left the door open to overhear what the topic was and they were yelling at their child?

i crave physical touch

hey hope ur being productive!! goddamn, ive just been writing and reading the whole day and figuring out this creative block situation/ why am i so triggered by work. found the right stuff to read and feeling full of life again. hope u are too

hope you're not second guessing me for getting sad yesterday. im feeling fucking crazy and it might be cause im starting my period. i keep rereading your letter.

26.03.2021 at 19:21

bless you

ur so nice to me

had a walk and it was really refreshing. feeling better but have so many anxieties that sometimes i just explode

i fucking love u too. sometimes its like ur my lifes worth of care i never

sometimes i feel like my lifes worth of good is coming to my life through you

......ur so nice to me....honestly i love u too so much..... i think it might be bc of full moon but im just like a total wreck today :D thanks for hearing me out before. and yes i'm excited to see whats waiting for me in london!!

in other news -.... called me rude and an egomaniac bc i told her i was depressed and feeling xtremely anxious blabla basically overview of what i told u today so will postpone thinking about countryside stuff. feeling like shit again lolzzzzzz bc of it.... we were supposed to go together with misha but misha cancelled right so im not really in a hurry which she knew and wished me a happy trip back to london. like whenever she doesnt get what she wants she goes off but i mean i do understand that im being an asshole as well so its like the perfect way to end this day

baah mh im just gonna rant here u dont even have to respond :D but i used to be really really selfless growing up and my parents always bring it up that i let my friends use me lol and ive been hella defensive abt it always bc i never knew how intense it was?. friends literally always came first and i kinda repressed my true self bc of embarrassment etc etc and two years ago it slowly started morphing into hurt and disappointment idk why i expected sth back (now i dont thats prolly why im super self centred and delusional as well i guess) so like after all this shit when im like yo having a hard time i get called a fucking egomaniac... i think im tired and honestly the fact that im getting along w evert so well makes me so happy but yeah since eliann is horrible at expressing emotions its harder

31.03.2021 at 20:20

❣️ is for 🚬👄👗COOL🕶☕️🏙❣️

❣️ is for 🎀🎀🎀ORIGINAL 🎀🎀❣️

❣️ is for ⭐️Ur A Star ⭐️ ❣️

❣️ is for MUSIC 🎧🔊🎶❣️

❣️ is for 🦋🦋 BEAUTIFUL 🦋🦋❣️

❣️ is for 💫💐🧚‍♀️ANGELIC 🏵🖼🔮❣️

❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

02.04.2021 at 14:24

miiisssssssss uuuuuuu sooooo muuuccchhhh aaaannndddd caaannnnoooottttt wwwaaaaaiiiitttt toooo seeeeee uuuuuuu aaallllrrreeeaaaddddyyyyy iiimmmm sssoooop eeexxxccciiittteeeeddddd ffffoooorrrrr iiiittttt

11.04.2021 at 12:54

i really reaally love you

13.04.2021 at 21:53

have said this before but im drunk AGAIN and will say this AGAIN that i think ur amazing

14.02.2021 at 01:46

im in love w u

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