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Babalik-balikan mo.

“Bakit ka sumali sa COC Cheering Squad?”

Nung una hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit ako sumali. Walang direksyon, intensyon o kung ano pa man. Wala akong background or kahit anong alam sa cheering before ako sumali. Hindi ko din alam na may malawak na mundo ng Cheering na nageexist before. Sinabi ko na lang sa sarili ko “Gusto kong may bagong ma-experience. Yung tipong hindi ko pa nasubukan gawin dati pa or wala akong planong gawin ever.” Grabe sobrang random lang nung pag iisip ko na yun. Tapos ayun na nga. Bigla na lang akong sumulpot isang gabi sa COC Lobby at sinabi sa kanila na gusto ko sumali. Dito nagsimula magbago yung takbo ng buhay ko. Hindi ko inexpect na sa isang random thought at sobrang hindi pinagisipan na desisyon magbabago lahat ng lahat ng plano ko sa buhay. (Kahit wala naman talaga) Sobrang daming hirap yung pinagdaanan ko para matuto kung paano yung tamang lift, kung paano yung tamang jumps, crunches, push-ups at iba pa. Sobrang daming sakit yung naranasan ko physically dahil sa pagpu-push ng split, sa mga siko, hita, paa, ulo at kung ano pang bahagi ng katawan ng flyers na bumabagsak sa buong pagkatao mo, sa flexibility tuwing bumubuhos yung ulan na mapapamura ka na lang. Yung tipong namamaga yung mga hita mo na halos hindi mo na magalaw na para kang sumali sa fraternity. Yung Sobrang challenging na pag akyat sa bus or sa mga hagdan ng LRT para lang makauwi ka, at malalaman mo na lang na ibang petsa ka nanaman nakauwi. Yung Sanlibong Jogging, at Full out sa carpark at backyard.  Pero lahat ng hirap, sakit, at kung ano pang komplikasyon sa buong pagkatao ko lahat sobrang rewarding. Sobrang layo na pala ng narating ko mula nung unang beses ako sumali. Sobrang daming skills yung na acquire ko during the process. Hindi ko alam sa bawat sakit na dulot nila sa katawan ko pinupuno nila ng pagmamahal bilang kapalit. Hindi ko alam kung paano nangyari pero ganon e. Biglaan na lang talaga. Tyaka feeling ko naman kapag nagmamahal ka hindi mo naman alam yung totoong dahilan. Basta ang alam mo lang mahal mo siya. Eto yung ilan sa mga kasabihan na pinanghawakan ko sa tuwing ipupush nila ako.

”Pansamantala lang ‘tong sakit na ‘to. Laban lang. Laban.”

“Hindi mo mararamdaman na nagmamahal ka kung hindi ka nasasaktan.”

tyaka pala “Ang push ng pep squad parang tadhana, Hindi mo kayang labanan. Bababa at bababa ka talaga.”

Kabog sa hugot diba? Pero eto talaga yon. No joke. Eto yung newbie diary ko. HAHA Eto yung mga bagay na pumasok sa isip ko nung baby boy pa ko ng squad. Pero ngayon iba na. Hahaha 

Gusto ko pa mag kwento kaso antok na ko. Baka bukas na lang yung katuloy. :)

[xstellaaaaa]

I’m not pressing enter

Everything was easier back then. Waking up and sleeping was never a chore, music was just something to decorate time, photos were mere patterns on screen and feelings were something that I thought I won’t have.

Then you came. Your familiarity with my demon made me put my guard down and I’ve let you into the deepest parts of my essence. 

I was in my comfort zone and you’re part of it. Talking to you about everything else was as intuitive as breathing. There was never a time I would hesitate to think about what I’ll say because I know you’ll understand. 

I found rest in your presence. I could spend the whole day listening to your stories and looking straight at your soul. I could let your voice seep in through my bones and let your thoughts linger in my being. 

Just like the waves crashing to the shore, restless and never-ending; I found peace in your violence. Your destructive totality gave me life. You were the challenge that pushed me to the ground. 

I’ve read and witnessed people drown and I’ve always known what to do but I never really taught myself how to swim. I believed in myself so much to the point that I thought I’d learn how to swim by diving in.

I did float, I managed to survive and get back to the shore, but the whole experience almost wiped my existence. I thought you’d save me, I thought I could save you. 

But I was summer. I’m just another season in your year. You let yourself bask under the sunlight and let your skin be seen. You went out and went for things without holding anything back. What you did in summer was a secret you’ll forever keep.

My memories of you used to be my fuel. The thought of you makes me want to look forward to the unknown. You changed the way I look at uncertainty; from something I consider as my archenemy to a friend that I could hold onto. Your uncertainty was my assurance. 

My worries came true, the cat was dead when the lid was taken off. As much as I wanted it to be alive, its death was predetermined. It didn’t matter if there was poison on its dish because at that moment, it was supposed to die and you knew all along. 

When the whole world crashed and my shoulders can’t bear the weight, I broke down. Seeing your name, hearing your voice or even just a small hint of your being stabs a piece of my flesh and I can’t do anything about it. Your voice echoes in my skull, darkness shows me images of you and even the wind whistles your name saying we are breathing the same air.

The hands of the clock would watch me sculpt sentences, chipping off the ends and bits of it for hours hoping to have a masterpiece by the end of the day. But I never really have the words to say.

The urge of knowing how you are doing drains me, the urge of knowing if you think of me fucks me up, the urge of knowing how things would work out if I did things differently eats up my existence. 

But as much as I want to tell you everything else there is to tell you, I’m not pressing enter. 

[xstellaaaaa]

honestly, I have so much empathy with other people’s stories of struggle but i don’t know how to show it.

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“I am sorry someone loved you badly, and that they made you feel like you take up more space than you deserve. I am sorry they abandoned you when you need them the most and it has made you believe that love is an awful thing that hurts.”

—

Nikita Gill

[xstellaaaaa]

Gusto ko na lang mamatay.

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…All that remains is dreammaking and strange remembrance.” 

call me by your name (andré aciman, 2007)

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Reblog if you need a Bear hug right now 😢💘

[xstellaaaaa]

I usually observe most of the time and I notice even the smallest of things. Haha. I’m a weirdo.

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[xstellaaaaa]

a wild egg appeared?

everyone who reblogs it before Oct 25 will get a Pokemon based on their blog in their submit inbox (make sure submit is open!)

happy hatching!

[xstellaaaaa]

At age 23, Tina Fey was working at a YMCA. At age 23, Oprah was fired from her first reporting job.  At age 24, Stephen King was working as a janitor and living in a trailer. 

At age 27, Vincent Van Gogh failed as a missionary and decided to go to art school.   At age 28, J.K. Rowling was a suicidal single parent living on welfare.

At age 28, Wayne Coyne ( from The Flaming Lips) was a fry cook. At age 30, Harrison Ford was a carpenter.  At age 30, Martha Stewart was a stockbroker.  At age 37, Ang Lee was a stay-at-home-dad working odd jobs. Julia Child released her first cookbook at age 39, and got her own cooking show at age 51. Vera Wang failed to make the Olympic figure skating team, didn’t get the Editor-in-Chief position at Vogue, and designed her first dress at age 40. Stan Lee didn’t release his first big comic book until he was 40. Alan Rickman gave up his graphic design career to pursue acting at age 42. Samuel L. Jackson didn’t get his first movie role until he was 46.

Morgan Freeman landed his first movie role at age 52. Kathryn Bigelow only reached international success when she made The Hurt Locker at age 57. Grandma Moses didn’t begin her painting career until age 76. Louise Bourgeois didn’t become a famous artist until she was 78. Whatever your dream is, it is not too late to achieve it. You aren’t a failure because you haven’t found fame and fortune by the age of 21. Hell, it’s okay if you don’t even know what your dream is yet. Even if you’re flipping burgers, waiting tables or answering phones today, you never know where you’ll end up tomorrow. Never tell yourself you’re too old to make it. 

Never tell yourself you missed your chance. 

Never tell yourself that you aren’t good enough. 

You can do it. Whatever it is. 

[xstellaaaaa]

i love people who get excited about stars

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“Find a man the way Chris Pratt looks at Chris Hemsworth and marry him”

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Crush. 😍😍😍

REAL LIFE DISNEY PRINCE TOM HIDDLESTON EXHIBIT

Sources: Microphone Handkissing MadisonYork

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Kasi hindi mo siya tinuturing na kaibigan. Random person lang turing mo sa kanya.

I’m really not good on making friends and keeping people. 😊

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[xstellaaaaa]