yvespixie

[yvespixie]

When i am not around

And the night is still

Does the thought of me pulse within

When you let them touch you

Do you think of me

When they use me too

All i imagine is us

In a warm embrace

[yvespixie]

why was i fighting who i really am this whole time?

i love being this way, it’s so unhealthy

dark and demented

irrational, manic

but I feel alive

I was dying denying it all

i am no good

Spiteful, petty, cold, and selfish

Greedy, manipulative, demanding

cruel and uncaring

I use everything around me till Im fully indulged

And I rinse and repeat

this feels so fucking good

[yvespixie]

[yvespixie]

— Jay Vespertine (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[yvespixie]

— Frank Bidart, from Half-light: Collected Poems; "End of a Friendship"

[yvespixie]

I should have done things differently

Wistful thinking won’t get me any where

Thinking at all is starting to become numbingly painful

I could make this all end

When that liberating will replaces could

With a relieved grin I will fade into nothing

Out of nowhere into nothing

Nothing won’t hurt as much

[yvespixie]

Good doesn’t last forever.

Love isn’t always going to be close.

Sometimes love is held at a distance,

And sometimes its permanence isn’t guaranteed.

Certain love is tied to time and place—

And that’s okay.

Things don’t have to work out.

Ugly can blot out beauty,

Blighting what once was.

But mistakes don’t define it all—

Learning does.

How I feel is fine.

How they feel is just as justified.

How we move on is up to ourselves,

And I will still love, and they will too.

But moving on is all we can do.

I will live, and they will too.

And when death takes us both,

we will cease with the decisions we chose

[yvespixie]

I should go

There’s no place for the vile that is me.

I held a dove, gripped at the neck,

Twisted, broken,

Innocence shattered by my own hands.

I gaze at these appendages—

Capable of such,

Now useless, trembling,

Stained with what I cannot undo.

And yet, I seek forgiveness.

Selfish, self-centered,

But true to my wretched heart.

I scrub at the blood, but eternally traces will remain.

These hands, once cruel,

Now ache to rebuild what they destroyed.

Tender, earnest, desperate—

Can I construct over my villainy?

Or is it all for naught?

I love you.

It’s why I grasp at straws,

Why I cling to hope,

Why I still breathe.

You love me.

It’s why I live.

[yvespixie]

— Margaret Atwood

[yvespixie]

Unredeemable

I feel undeserving,

A hollow vessel, unworthy of grace.

Pain pulses in my throat, choking my voice,

Tears fall like acid, burning trails down my face.

My blood runs aimlessly,

A river without purpose.

My heart beats without reason,

My mind spirals, lost in its own chaos.

I am unfit—

I hurt the one I loved,

The one who loved me.

For a selfish moment, I became a devil,

And now I am haunted by my own reflection.

This ache is eternal,

A wound that festers in my soul.

If I cannot right this wrong,

What is my life but a shadow of atonement?

A double-edged sword,

I cut her, and I gutted myself.

Only one of us deserved the blade,

And it was never her.

[yvespixie]

I am so full of love,

It overflows, spilling between my fingers

As I try to scoop it back into my being

It is a tide too strong to keep contained,

A warmth too vast to hold alone

And it hurts to keep to myself

Troubled mind,

Desperate to release what is pent up

Fearful of who receives my all

Will they treasure and treat me with care

Hold me with tender hands,

Hands unlike my own,

Capable of taking what’s mine to give

Or will I be left hollow —

Emptied?

As I fill their cup and drain my incessant heart

Will they pour into me love of their own?

A gentle thing to sustain, a presence to soothe?

Or will it be tainted,

Laced with falsities, sweetened with empty words

Indifference disguised,

A substance quick to evaporate

Leaving me thirsting for what I freely gave?

For now, I’ll live in this excruciating dilemma

Desperately holding in all that is me

The fear to give myself

And the pain it could ensue

Will keep me perpetually aching

On guard.

[yvespixie]

How can I be mad at the wind for the mess it made

If it was me who opened the window

The breeze did feel nice for a while

[yvespixie]

— Jennifer Niven, All The Bright Places

[yvespixie]

[yvespixie]

Artists using their significant others as video vixens//

Usher’s U Remind Me (2001), with an appearance of then girlfriend, Chilli

Robin Thicke’s Lost Without U (2007), with an appearance of then wife, Paula Patton

Jennifer Lopez’ Jenny From the Block (2002), with an appearance of then fiancé and current husband, Ben Affleck

Ciara’s Body Party (2013), with an appearance of then boyfriend, Future

Victoria Monèt’s Moment (2020), with an appearance of current boyfriend, John Gaines

A$AP Rocky’s Fashion Killa (2013), with an appearance of current girlfriend, Rihanna

Kelis’ Milkshake (2003), with an appearance of then boyfriend and current ex-husband, Nas

Young Thug’s Worth It (2016), with appearance of then girlfriend, Jerrika Karlae

Mariah Carey’s Love Story (2009), with appearance of then boyfriend and current ex-husband, Nick Cannon

Usher’s U Got It Bad (2001), with appearance of then girlfriend, Chilli

[yvespixie]

sink beneath the earth and feed the vegetation above

[yvespixie]

YVES TUMOR