12am-iridescence

[12am-iridescence]

i hear what you say behind my back

49

Wednesday. July 31, 2024 11:54pm.

i hear what you say behind my back

knowing i would never hear it

& now i’m back to write another poem

no matter how much i fear it

when i heard that you loved me 

& that you missed me so much

i hear the butterfly wings flutter

& i pray to god he didn’t see me blush

i remember i called you shortly after

to inform you of what i heard

i ended that call saying “okay bye love you”

& you didn’t say a word

there’s a chance you didn’t hear me

or you said it & i didn’t hear you

or you chose not to say it

because we both know that it’s true

i remember you once asked me 

on one of our 6 hour long phone calls

if i’ve ever written poems about you 

& far from the truth i tried to stall

my sister is the only one who has seen that side of me

& once i read you some poems i had wrote 

since she is one of the most important people in my life

for you to hear them as well is definitely something of note

you also asked if you had a playlist

but that’s also something i would never reveal

you know that i make everything about me connected

so you would then know that the feelings are real

with a different guy i was so distracted 

i didn’t realize we were in the slow process of saying our goodbyes

& that isn’t neither of our faults

but when i miss you i still cry

we tell each other we can call whenever

yet each other’s phone lines constantly remain dry

i am assured that in another universe

you & i definitely worked out

& in this one we found each other again

so there is really no reason to pout

i just wish i had you here with me

& i was still updating you on my life

i almost just forgot about the moment

when you said “that’s my future wife”

you are such a beautiful friend of mine

& i know we will reconnect again, naturally

i may never know if i am in love with you

but with you i pinky swear i'll spend eternity

of course my feelings are strong

so of course i’m here to write another one

just like a part of his tattoo

thinking of him i feel the light of 1,000 suns

when the person you read your poems to now becomes part of the muse…, 12am

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i’ve been avoiding writing poetry,

48

Thursday. April 18, 2024 1:04am.

i’ve been avoiding writing poetry

because giving words to the thought makes it real

& i don’t think that would be fair

when i’m utterly terrified of how i feel

though my feelings i claim i don’t know

i think that in reality i do

i just can’t stomach admitting that

(i may just be in love with you)

but that’s too much to say

& something i don’t want to risk

because platonic to romantic is scary

& a failure that would leave a heart cold & brisk

i don’t think i would ever tell you

(is it better to speak or to die?)

my own words come back to bite me in the butt

so that’s why this “poem” is “just another rhyme”

so i guess this is goodbye 

and i hope i don’t come back here. 

i’d rather force my brain to suffer these poetic thoughts 

because this one may be strong i truthfully fear. 

12am.

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36

May 16, 2023. 12:20am.

sometimes i like to think of a universe

where i am with all of the ones i’ve almost loved

some kind of adjacent reality

a gift from the ones above

there’s one where i trust her enough to take out my contacts 

and she lets me gently braid her hair

where i toy with the strings of a dark green hoodie

and it's one that we both happen to share

i know one where he liked me back

and now i never stop laughing at his jokes

where my friends used to say that he makes me giggly

and now they still tease me with their laughs & pokes

in this one i stare at her while she stargazes 

ans she tells me about the flowers & the trees 

where the stars could never compare to her anyways

and i memorize her voice as she talks about her dreams

this is the one where we live in montana 

and we both know that he’s the better one at cooking

where he’s pursued his dreams of photography

and he takes many photos of me when i’m not looking

there’s the one where she makes me appreciate the little things

we follow each other into the forest and up its trees

where we tend to mother nature’s flora & fauna

and there is dirt found all over our knees

in one we finally visit the eastern market

and i talk about how i love the 78 degree weather

where he shows our kids his old cowboy boots 

and they run their hands against the worn leather

there’s also the one where we only need a single handmade blanket

and we no longer need to trade each others’ rings

where we still lay on the car of her roof talking

and we no longer wonder if it is just a summer fling

i like the one where he still calls me a sweetheart

and he continues to whistle & sing all of the time

where he finds it funny how i remember how much he tipped me that day

and i repeat it down to the $5, 2 quarters, the nickel, penny, & the dime

i know of the one where i followed her to boston

and we are no longer limited by classroom clocks

where she practices her many hobbies such as embroidery

and now i have tiny little flowers to replace the holes in my socks

i can’t forget the one where he paid me back for the painting

and now i know more about saving lives than i’ll ever need

where i admire his personality more and more each day

and he still wears his bracelet i made him with the blue & gray beads

but i always think about another one

and it is, really, my favorite one by far

it’s the universe where i’m the mosaic of all the ones i’ve almost loved

and a big constellation of all of those shimmering stars

so i'll continue to write all of these rhymes

and hope it will make my turn come about

where my words could somehow create these realities 

and i could finally experience the love i give out

12am.

[12am-iridescence]

forgive me father for i have sinned,

29

September 25, 2022. 1:15pm.

forgive me father for i have sinned,

your right hand server has failed me again.

it seems my wishes make a lot of noise.

and i know we’re different in every way.

yet as he stands tall with grace and poise, 

i know i can’t help think it anyways.

can’t help it as his hand brushes the cloth,

his palm lays flat against the stone,

his fingers graze the fabric soft,

my desires shout in an unfaltering tone.

i try to stop these thoughts, i swear.

i know we’re in a holy place.

but they take over when i catch his stare,

i wish he’d lead me to a secluded space.

i catch myself wondering what he’s thinking about–

modestly covered head to toe– 

wondering to what his thoughts could amount, 

and surprised at how much i want to rid these clothes.

dear god, do not punish this man for my thoughts,

i ask him while on my knees.

i wonder if these thoughts occur in us both,

and that they're not solely in me.

i know that when i imagine it,

and hope he isn’t as innocent as he seems.

at the end of the day i know this could never be,

i guess i just wanted someone as impure as me.

12am

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“A wildflower sprouted on my lips when we kissed then another on my collarbone as you brushed my hair aside. A field grew like wild down the river that is my spine as your fingertips lightly touched every space they could find. My eyes like sunflowers fixated on you, my hands around yours intertwined. Come closer now, wildflowers need the sun to bloom before they die.”

— Gemma Troy

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i haven’t been on this app in years

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I saw you in my sleep last night and for a moment I thought you were real. You looked so beautiful just like you always do and I fell for you once again. And I hate my mind for playing these tricks on me.

I will always be here.

[12am-iridescence]

“Sometimes it just makes sense when a person makes the butterflies in your stomach flutter or makes you smile the widest or makes you want to do the craziest things. Sometimes it just makes sense that it’s love.”

— P.G.G

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“Be soft. Be grateful. Anything that is healing doesn’t always glow.”

— Juansen Dizon

[12am-iridescence]

I want to.

I want to go to Mexico. I want to dance till dawn, down by the beach, with firelight and a crowd of people. I want to wear flowers in my hair and dance away while listening to some instrumental music.

I want to go spend a night on the beach. I want to lay on the sand with the one I love, watching the stars, going for a late swim. I want to roast marshmallows while hearing the waves crash along the shore. I want to pick up the simplest of seashells while having the deepest of conversations.

I want to go somewhere during the summer time. I want to ride in a car with the windows down, wind through my hair, while me and my friends laugh away. I want to eventually reach our destination, all sunshine and smiles.

I want to go to a jungle. I want to look up in the trees as I see exotic animals pass by. I want to listen to the birds chirp and see the sun shine through the canopy as I walk through the trees. I want to be a tourist for a few days, discovering nature and learning new things.

I want to go to the big city. I want to have a nice view in a high up apartment. All windows. Nice furniture. A glass of champagne. Just looking out at the tops of buildings watching the sun slowly set behind them.

I want to go to a ballroom dance. I want to dress nice. I want to eat the finest of foods and then dance in perfect harmony with everyone else, while we sway with the music and dance with strangers.

I want to go to Paris. I want to look up at the Eiffel Tower. My camera in one hand, my French foods in the other. I want to read, I want to watch fireworks with the one I love, while we speak a language that is so unique.

I want to go to Rio De Janeiro. I want to sail above the land. I want to see the large Jesus statue, arms open wide. I want to visit right during carnival. I want to dance some more while learning about a different culture.

I want. I want to go to these places. I might not be able to right now, but I know, that one day, I will be able to turn the “I want to” into “I got to”.

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According to Mr. Black Icon (via @/fifthorgajsms on Twitter) Camren’s evidence is getting leaked by mgmt on January/ February. We’ll have to wait & see if he was reliable. If this is true, we can expect a giant dose of drama coming on the new year.

P.S. I suggest y'all save the ss.