1nan0th3rl1f3

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

okay so like. had a thing happen

im just chilling in the living room w my mom n she's watching videos on her phone. after a while I get overstimulated and(despite spotting it much sooner than I usually do) almost break down crying

what I did DIFFERENTLY this time is I did breathing exercises. usually I just let myself cry it out then I feel better later

and it worked but like??? it felt like I was physically shoving my tears and emotions back down my throat????

and like- I'm just sitting here thinking now like. "what if people are suppressing their emotions under the guise of calming down from them"

but like. that was overstimulation I was crying abt

does that count-

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

yknow- one day(not rn obv i cant drink) i wanna get drunk just to see how ridiculous i act. like alcohol's got a bad taste imo but I wanna see the stupid shit id do when im outta my normal mind lol

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

alr im gonna say smthn here that will have the gays react like a majority of christians.

and by that i mean most people I see don't seem to get "judge a person for who they are not the content they create" whether theyre gay straight or between

look. i find inst gross. i will never participate in it, nad i have not participated in it before. i have not made art of it, and i plan on never doing so.

however, this type of thing ISNT HURTING ANYONE... like I get it, if someone's trying to force you to do the same stuff as them, that's bad. if they try and make /your art specifically/ something it very much is not, that's pretty bad.

if it is AN AU. it hurts nobody. if the person is FINE with you NOT WANTING TO SEE that content. it hurts nobody.

"but it's incst!" yeah? and we're gay. you do realize you sound a lot like a homophobe yeah?

like if im gonna continue to compare this to gay ppl im just a straight ally, again i do NOT want to participate. those ppl can do their thing. away from me preferrably. but they're allowed to exist

you dont?? have to make everyone else hate them too??

like give me FIVE actual reasons as to why it specifically hurts anybody. at LEAST five reasons. anything bad that I can find relating to ppl that do that stuff, ISNT RELATED TO THE INCST.

and like,,,, you're fine w aprilnardo. before you come at me "theyre not siblings!" and if they were you wouldnt let this happen??

like im just saying whatever happened to "love is love" like-

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

well we got nowhere but that sure ended fun as hell kjgdbdfgjk- i said "everything is situational" and he confused me abt that and the difference between it and factoral?

and then we got talking about pi- i need the 100 digits of pi worth of information to fully deduce a situation. like- okay i didnt get to tell him this part jbghjfbdhj

you can't assume that everyone knows the 100 digits of pi. every situation has its own 100 digits of pi. you can calculate whatever digit of pi you want without even needing 100 digits right?

okay- for that you need to know what digits of pi you need to calculate that. I do not know what digits of pi are needed, so we're leaving that out of the analogy for now.

to figure out what digits of pi are needed, i need to know the 100 digits. i need THOSE bc people word it like "oh you need the 4th digit and the 6th digit to calculate the million-seven-hund"(i dont know if you do or not) and there's no garuntee they'll tell you what the digits are if you ask

edit: SCRATCH THAT. this whole post-

we ACTUALLY ENDED w like- my brain registers it as the game It Takes Two

he said ADHD is like having 9 monitors with the povs of all your friends(who are playing a puzzle game with you) on them and your pov's in the middle. he said having autism gives me the ability to see the solution to a clue bc of all the different povs

now i just gotta figure out how to get my friends povs up on the 9 screens my adhd gives me and we're golden-

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

my life only feels like my own. normally that'd be a good thing.

but it's weird, cause- in my case, it means nobody i talk to feels real, not until they say im doing something wrong. and they're usually really nice about it- so it makes me hate when i cry over it.

because if i'm going to cry over it- i should at least be crying where they cant see me. otherwise im guilt tripping them, right? so I don't have to change, bc if im crying then i did nothing wrong. clearly.

because i totally love myself, yeah.

…I don't know. i don't ever, and i hate it.

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

I forget people don't have context as to why i do things the way i do

i mean 1 audhd + social anxiety, NOT a good combo

2 i am not in school and i dont have a job(until the reunion starts)- my day is essentially ALL free time

3 i often feel like i dont get heard- not to mention auditory processing issues- so yes i talk over people.

i get that ive been extremely socially inept and i dont have vc ettiquite but? you cant really blame me??

I WILL try to be better and let other people speak i just also need a way to figure out what the fuck they're even saying, first of all-

the whole "sleep call" thing felt *extremely* intimate even tho it wasn't- before then I'd only heard of couples doing it!! and BC it felt intimate I figured i wasnt supposed to be there so the panic overwhelmed me and i left!! i KNOW thats rude but everyone else leaves when they get overstimulated!!! like sorry i cant be empathetic on command, i had no idea she was feeling bad at the time!!

it's not even their fault im like this- there's a reason im crying my ass off over here instead of in their vents channel, im not gonna guilt trip them over something they had no control over!

i shouldnt have even sent that damn message bc they're FULLY READY to move on from this conversation meanwhile im still ovwer here like "what about me? what about me?" when it's NOT abt me and i HATE it. sm. so so so much.

I'm always ready to forgive myself and- and try and change other peoples' worldview but what about them? why can't I ever think about THEIR worldview, why they think somethings reasonable when i think it's ridiculous?

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

i hate when i cry

i look like my fucking dad

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

and I ruined it again. bc of course. why WOULDNT i be a dick. thats all i am isnt it

no just- i know its dumb to say that i just. i got overwhelmed. i left. "thats a lil rude"

I apologize and explain(albeit brief but why tf would I not). no response.

its not even that its one on one its a public server- fuck they have a vent channel and i cant even use it bc the person will see what im talking abt

and know its abt them.

and like- no?? why the hell would I fucking guilt trip them like that???

its not their fault i left. not even remotely. i panicked over fucking nothing and it scared me THAT FUCKING BADLY.

WHAT DID I EVEN PANIC OVER?? I JOINED CALL UNPROMPTED. LIKE I ALWAYS DO. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SUCH A MONSTER

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

"you need to think about how your actions affect others"

in the middle of a PANIC ATTACK?

motherfucker you activated a TRAUMA RESPONSE. and YOUR response.

"no im not." "no, you're /not/ sorry." "you're using emotional manipulation"

ALL I SAID WAS "YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ME." COULD I HAVE WORDED THAT BETTER? SURE, I DID IN MY HEAD, MY MOUTH SIMPLIFIED IT.

INTENTION IS FOR AFTER THE FUCKING TRAUMA RESPONSE

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

NOW YOUTUBE'S DOING IT TOO???

that is the WRONG twin fyp

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

that one wasn't even sexy that was just a dope outfit

that is the WRONG twin fyp

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

sike I just checked the post. only character tags 👍

that is the WRONG twin fyp

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

I got one that was completely unrelated to the two I was talking about 😭 what tag do I have to block

that is the WRONG twin fyp

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

my brain gets foggy often and so a habit I've picked up on just now is I'll end up going "Hey, *insert person*?" and immediately backtrack on calling them and start thinking about them

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

STOP

I DONT WANT HIM LIKE THAT PLEASE

that is the WRONG twin fyp

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

like this isn't in an edgy way it's an "ohhh wait that's what that is" way

I think maybe going forward I wanna look more closely at my "symptoms" so I can separate them more accurately than "positive" and "negative"

'cause I've had these like- yk how its almost impossible for some ppl to tell the difference between the types of love?

one, I have that. two, I also have trouble distinguishing anger/overstimulation/fear/sadness

like I'm not going back to public school -,-" but whatever was going on there was anger/overstimulation, maybe a mix?

only problems I can see: with the way I am now, I kinda just ignore any situations that would cause any noticeable emotion- I need to find a way to get myself into situations where I will be able to distinguish between different emotions

well- alright, so I've got this thing, I think it's probably an autistic thing(other options: teenager thing, me thing)

my emotions feel more like symptoms of a physical disability than they feel like emotions.

[1nan0th3rl1f3]

well- alright, so I've got this thing, I think it's probably an autistic thing(other options: teenager thing, me thing)

my emotions feel more like symptoms of a physical disability than they feel like emotions.