24daysofderek-blog

[24daysofderek-blog]

Day 7: Leave a nice note for a friend.

:) Derek

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Day 6: Help Prepare Breakfast

A quick note: I recognize that I missed a day - thank you to all of my three readers for informing me. 

Frankly, I blame this on the person who I am supposed to be helping. I would have helped, honestly, but she missed her alarm. 

She doesn’t even eat breakfast on Wednesdays. 

I helped cook breakfast but the dog ate it.

Roomba went rogue. Ate all the breakfast, left the dirt. 

I burnt it and had to throw it away.

The eggs were bad. 

I heard breakfast makes you fat. 

They wouldn’t let me behind the counter to help cook.

I’m allergic.

I had diarrhoea that morning. 

The milk spoiled. 

I had to fast on Wednesday for medical reasons.

The oven is broken.

The refrigerator is broken.

Does putting cocoa puffs into a bowl count.

I was too upset about the Christmas tree the night before to get out of bed.

I fell and couldn’t get up. 

The bed was comfortable. 

I didn’t do it damnit. I’ll make breakfast this weekend.

:) 18 more days of Derek

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Day 5: Help a neighbor decorate their Christmas tree.

You have got to be kidding me Mr. Trader Joe. Joe, a word of advice:

When creating an advent calendar with tasks based on my neighbor’s schedule, try and understand that NO ONE PUTS UP CHRISTMAS TREES ON A FREAKING TUESDAY. NO ONE. 

I began at the house two doors to the left of mine. After a few knocks, a man in his mid to late forties opened the door. Forgetting my original intentions, I began pitching him on the Latter Day Saints, to which he did not take kindly. In retrospect, the idea of a Jewish man spreading the word of Joseph Smith door-to-door after forgetting that his original intent was to help them set up a Christmas tree on a Tuesday has some humor in it. 

I felt like Charlie Brown walking away from that door. My chin tucked down to my chest tight. I heard the music in my head, each sad little note playing with every stride.  I was prepared to help some people. I lifted my head with a fiery confidence. With ornaments in hand, I practiced my speech. “Hello, my name is Derek and I am going door-to-door to see if you need any help setting up your Christmas tree. I am doing an advent calendar and am tasked with helping you, my friendly neighbor, set up your tree, on a Tuesday.�� 

What I didn’t prepare for was getting a door slammed in my face. Repeatedly. Seven different times. By five different neighbors. Yeah, one of them slammed it in my face three times. 

Here’s a photo of me putting up my own damn tree last weekend.

Thanks Mr. Trader Joe.  

Note:

I received zero balloons and popup cards, yet, made a miraculous recovery. My throat has been cleared of all strep. *see last post

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Day 4: Go Christmas caroling in your neighborhood

Strep throat is no laughing matter. Over 3 million humans are affected by it each year and I have fallen victim. 

I crawled out of bed this morning and stumbled my way to the bathroom. I wasn’t feeling quite right, but I couldn’t place my finger on what it was. As the hot water of the shower poured over me I imagined myself going door to door making peoples nights. 

I pictured Edna and June, a lesbian couple in their late 80′s. They would open the door to my best Mariah Carey impression. Their smiles would be radiating so bright that their grumpy neighbor, Randy, would feel it in the air and be struck with joy. Randy would later thank me, saying that he hasn’t felt joy like that since the last time he’d been laid in 1978.  

Edna would join in at “I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know,” and then she would stop to listen to magic. I would crush the high note, and they would invite me in for cocoa and whiskey. We would play cards and share laughs and I would look at the clock and realize that it was way past midnight. They would bid me adieu and request one more song. I would break out into a wild rendition of Feliz Navidad...

It hits me. My voice. My throat. As I tried to belt out Feliz Navidad at 6:46AM in the shower I could hardly get a word out. Why today? Why day 4. 

I tried again. Nothing. 

I put my head up to the shower head and was lost again. This time - in front of poor Randy’s door. I began “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,” and Randy just stands there, expressionless. I continue on and he scrunches up his wrinkly face like a shar-pei like he can’t stand the sound. His colossal ears have hair like cotton balls poking out of them and I wonder if those puppies are preventing him from hearing my Sinatra like timbre. Then like a speeding train, it hits me (assuming I am on the tracks). There is nothing coming out of my mouth. For, I have the Strep Throat.

I couldn’t distinguish the source of the water in my eyes. Was it the water from the shower? I hopped out, dried up and headed right to bed. I am not a fan of excuses, but I couldn’t bear to see Randy like that.

Will post when I recover. Send balloons and pop-up cards. 

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Day 3: Write a note to your mom.

Let me begin by saying finding paper to write this on was more challenging than finding the toy unicorn in the depths of my closet (see the last post.) After writing a few words, I decided to show my pearly whites, snap a photo, and recycle it in the trash.

In order to see my note, she must read it right here on my 24 Days of Derek blog.

“Dear Mother,

If you’re reading this you’ll know that I’ve been searching for you for years. We must have been separated when I was merely a young child baby. From as early as I can remember I’ve been raised by two people who are an extraordinary combination of myself.

The lady who claims to be my mother is a kind, caring person. She did quite a nice job of parenting me. After making some minor mistakes on her first child - my so-called sister - she made some adjustments and parented the shit out of me. While being raised by wolves or parenting myself may have yielded similar results, I must give her some credit.

Her cooking is sub-par, but she knows how to choose restaurants well. She lacks on the humour front but is credited for being a “fun” person. She is a reliable person and she has sacrificed a whole lot for me. She goes out of her way to make my life better and will be there at the snap of a finger if I was in need. Funny that this lady cares so much about me.

In truth, I care about her too. Thanks a lot, lady, for all you’ve done for me.

And mom... If you are out there, please share my blog and comment, I know that we’ll meet again one day.

Sincerely,

24 Days of Derek”

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Day 2: Donate a toy.

I’m a giver. All my friends think it’s my middle name but it’s not... That would be a pretty strange middle name.

My excitement was at a solid 9 out of 10. Give back to children who couldn’t afford the luxuries that I have, what an opportunity.

Naturally, this task was pretty easy for me. Find a toy somewhere in the depths of my closet and make a child’s day. 

The toy of choice - a unicorn rescue kit. I couldn’t tell you what it is or why I had it but there you have it. A cute little unicorn - you’re welcome child. 

I pictured it in my head, a small child sitting on a rug in their living room making believe the little guy was real. Maybe it would become their best friend and they would name it Ralph, and the child and Ralph would make trouble around town. A real deep friendship would blossom. They would have long nights discussing important things, debating religion, talking about who they think is hot. 

Am I a saint? Maybe. 

Anyway... I got a bit nervous approaching the box. I read it up and down seeing “Donate books and clothes” in big letters but where was the “donate toys?”

Luckily, I stole some clothes from my roommate's room to donate, so I put the bag in. As I was about to walk away, I decided to scan it one more time, and that’s when I saw it. In small black print below “CLOTHES” read “& small toy unicorns.” I knew I came to the right place.

Enjoy Ralph child.

Sincerely,

24 Days of Derek Giver

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Day 1: Make hot chocolate with all the fixings for a friend. 

Swiss Miss and Whiskey like Sonny and Cher, go together quite nicely.

Mmmmm... what a pair. 

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I couldn’t contain my excitement any longer.

I’ve been thinking about it since I woke up... December 1st, the best day of the year! After daydreaming about this moment all day at work, I burst through the apartment door to find my Trader Joes Advent Calender patiently waiting for me on the desk. I unwrapped it in a fury, eager to begin. Trader Joes gives me tasks on each day of the month and rewards me with a delicious treat.

Follow me this month on my journey to complete them.

You will be rewarded with bursting enthusiasm, photos of me helping others, videos of me making a fool out of myself, and of course gifs of me eating (and drinking) a shit ton of chocolate.

Happy December everyone! Christmas... here we come!

[24daysofderek-blog]

hi! i’m derek! i can’t wait to get started on my advent calendar! december 1st can’t come soon enough!