45dazedandconfused

[45dazedandconfused]

A good follower

Bloganuary writing promptWhat makes a good leader?View all responses There was never a time as a mother I thought that I knew what I was doing. I fumbled and messed up way more than I would like to admit. Shoot I still do and my baby is 24. The one thing I do know is I am a good leader. I always have been, because I am also a good follower. I didn’t realize this until a few years back when my…

[45dazedandconfused]

Trapped

Thoughts aren’t clear, my fingers are numb, It’s always so cold, who’s the real bum? Tomorrow will be better, the car will get fixed, everything won’t be lost. You can still fix this. Lies, it’s all lies. The warmth never returns, life never gets easier, you get out of here. I will tow your car, I will find a prettier girl, I don’t want you. Struggling to not cry, although no tears will come.…

[45dazedandconfused]

Are you in love with a narcissist?

I hope you have thick skin and no emotions. Are you able to take the blame for everything and never question if they are right or wrong? Are you ready to be the abuser in all the situations? If you have friends tell them goodbye. Have a life that you enjoy, well you don’t anymore. Family, not now. They do it subtly but they do it, they take you away from everyone and everything so that you are…

[45dazedandconfused]

Parenting 101

I murdered my step daughters pool, and I don’t feel a bit bad about it. You know at some point as a parent we have to make hard decisions on what the right form of discipline is. I feel like I am a seasoned parent and I don’t know it all, but I for sure know what doesn’t work. Let’s start with a little bit of the back story. I raised my children mostly alone. I also was blessed with bonus…

[45dazedandconfused]

The smell was like Jerky

I have been on so many road trips and there are two that stand out. The winner though is the spontanious trip to New York. My neighbor, me, her kids, and mine. She had 2 girls and a boy, I had 2 boys and a girl. Our husbands were deployed, it was a Friday not sure exactly what month, all I know is it was warming up and storming all the way up the east coast. It all started with her coming next…

[45dazedandconfused]

Looking for another blogger

I had someone with a super cute pomerainian as their profile picture leave me a message. I accidently deleted it instead of move it out of the spam box. It was about me not having a button on my site to follow. I am still learning this and I can’t figure it out at all. If you find this post please message again!! You made my day! Also if anyone can give me some pointers on how to get my site set…

[45dazedandconfused]

Homeless on a budget Part 1

links to my other blog spo, I wanted to get all my writing in one spot. Please enjoy. http://sweetsassytrashyandalwaysclassy.blogspot.com/2023/05/how-to-be-homeless-on-budget.html Part 2 http://sweetsassytrashyandalwaysclassy.blogspot.com/2023/06/homeless-on-budget-part-2.html Currently trying to move all of my writing to the same place. I need some kind of organazation and normalcy in my…

[45dazedandconfused]

My Imagination

Daily writing promptDescribe an item you were incredibly attached to as a youth. What became of it?View all responses I thought about this question for hours. Trying to think of anything I had saved over the years. Any item I had that was a comfort item over the years. I thought back to stuffed animals, blankets, little nicknacks. Anything memory would bring back and I had nothing. For awhile I…

[45dazedandconfused]

[45dazedandconfused]

Homeless Part two

I was still in shock the rest of the week and drove myself insane trying to figure out how in the hell I had nothing but my carhouse, me, and my dog to worry about and still had the same amount of bills I did when I wasn't on the streets. I was still making a car payment and I tried to keep that between $200/$300 a month, car insurance after all the bullshit tickets, $187 a month. (for the record the ovi's still make me sick to my stomach, I deserved the punishment for them. Well most of it.)  Cell phone $70 and that was after switching to cheap ass metro. Website for business $70, business insurance $40, gas at least $400 and that is me driving with the gaslight on and praying I don't run out. Food well there was no place to store  food so I was spending $20 a day at convenience stores, because when you don't have a home you also have limited places to keep groceries. I have a small cooler for the car to keep drinks in. Mainly bottled water that gets refilled. Peanut butter and jelly is what keeps me going. I have soy or almond milk and cereal. Never any real food. Hotdogs and smoke sausage are a treat. So just this small list of the cost of being homeless. It's around 1500 a month and I don't ever have a place to take a shit!!!!  All of the things listed if you noticed didn't include tampons, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, dog food, or any other little thing you don't think about always having ready at your fingertips. Qtips, god I miss always having them. I forget to buy them everytime I go to the store and  when I do remember I don't have the extra money to spend on them. It really is the smallest stuff sometimes that makes you feel like a real human.

Speaking of humans, you all know that what we put in the body comes back out in some form.  Have you ever been away from home and had to take a shit? Where did you go? Now think about being around your town having to shit, no money to buy anything at any store or restaurant, and most gas stations locally don't have bathrooms.  Fast food places are even pains in the asses about coming in only for the bathroom, but even if they aren't most of them are a good distance away when nature comes calling. I have actually had to shit on the side of the road, in a bush, barely hidden from view. Guess what? I had no toilet paper, so I slid my ass back and forth on the grass, sliding over slightly each swipe to get my ass as clean as I could. Thankfully and dreadfully it was full blown winter and the snow helped out with the cleaning process nicely. Man that was a moment I almost just quit trying. It was one of the most humiliating things I've had to do. Sad to say there have been so many more times like that over the last few months that I cringe thinking about. I have done things in the last few months I never dreamed of having to do, but this far in it doesn't bother me as much as it did at first. 

Something that does bother me though is, people don't care. They really don't give a rats ass about their neighbors, or the person they see walking down the street with that packed full backpack, and a worn out tired look on their faces. They will walk or drive right by you and not take a second glance. It makes me sad to think this is the world I grew up in. I must be an alien, not really human, because  I have never been able to just drive by someone I can see clearly needs help and not stop. I have always went out of my way to offer food, shelter, or a ride to it, clothes, money, etc. My dream has been most of my life to open a community center type place, with the exception that the government isn't allowed to interfere. It will be my Treehouse of Creations. The doors will never be locked and everyone I don't care what your story is would be welcome. Unless you hurt children or animals and then I'll kick your ass while throwing you out the door! My own community of misfits that just need a big mommas porch to come home to. As you read this think about all the people you have in your life and the love you feel and share with them. Then try if you can to imagine waking up everyday in your car, or under the bridge, behind a dumpster, or hiding in a park shelter. Imagine not talking to one other human all day, and then that carry into 4 days in a row. All the time you are awake is trying to figure out where you will sleep and eat for the day. Wondering if you will get a shower or be able to just sit down and rest for a min after the long day of work. My Treehouse will be all that and so much more. Teenagers or kids that are having a bad time at home, come hang out and paint, write, play music. Shit break something if need be. But come to the Treehouse and know that you will be loved and accepted. Respected, and listened too. I just want to make sure I do my part to never make another creature feel as unloved and unwanted as I feel today and everyday for the last 8 months. I don't want anyone to be afraid they are going to freeze to death, Or get raped or murdered because it's not always safe in the dark. I want people to have a place to relax on a chair or bed or couch and just feel normal. Take a shower without shower shoes on, or for the love of all that is holy, have somewhere to take a shit!! 

I want to help the addicts find peace, and a skill that makes them happy. So they can use that to replace the drug that is killing them. I want to offer a studio for artists, a music room for musicians, computers and books for writers, daycare for single moms, and so much more. I guess I want a community of people who just love, accept, and cherish the people around them. Helping each other hone in and perfect our talents and skill sets. Then in turn each person learn new skills from each other. The Treehouse of Creations I picture is a place where, when we say come home and put your feet up. That's exactly what we mean. You are family here and always welcomed. 

Well there I go spiraling with my thoughts. It's hard sometimes being me, I exhaust myself trying to just keep my mind on task, or getting my brain to just shut the hell up!  Signing out for now, still homeless on a budget

[45dazedandconfused]

How to be homeless on a budget.....part one

Yep you read that right, being homeless doesn't mean you have no bills, you just don't have a home. So here's what I've learned over the last 8 months, how many more to go I have no idea. So I've decided to blog about my journey. It starts differently for everyone. Mine was a slow moving,  fast spiral that was out of control before I really knew what was happening. It started with me being an alcoholic. I had gotten two OVI's back to back and was in debt to the court to the point I don't think I will ever get it paid back. But believe it or not that was just the start. Those happened in 2020 I became homeless in 2022. So that's why I say fast and slow spiral. I didn't see what was happening until it was too late. I was so busy struggling to eat and pay my bills everyday I wasn't watching how the private landlords, city officials, and investors from all over the country were about to make my hometown, "A place to be desired". The fancy way of saying, if you are middle class, single, or poor we don't want you to live here. They started a war on the homeless camps. Kicking them out of the woods and tearing down any shelter they could have. This new change all  started with a complex the city said was going to bring so much revenue to our town it would bring us back to life. A lot of the landlords thought the same thing including mine, so she cancelled my lease and raised the rent $200. I got the notice and had to be out 2 weeks later. It was move or we could go to court. So I took the last months rent, got a storage and moved into my car with my dog 2 weeks after Thanksgiving. Thank God that was a mild winter. Then just a few weeks later I found a house that was a fixer upper and I could do the work for cheap rent so not such a bad stint of being homeless. It all had worked out. It was only 9 months later and I was back in the same situation, only this time I had no car, no money, a shitty job, and no friends. The reason I was losing my house you ask? That ridiculous complex that at this point wasn't finished because they ran out of money, brought no extra business to our local places, didn't employee as many people as promised, and only brought extra traffic, and headaches on Friday's during rush hour. I mean don't get me wrong people benefitted from it. You know city officials, construction and road crews, landlords who sold their homes for top dollar to private investors who then charged 4 times the average rent, or just turned them into an Air B&B and charged 10 times the average rent per bedroom. It was a serious mess, and I wasn't the only one affected. So many long time residents received eviction notices and were made to move out of homes that some of them had lived in over 20 years. I was already going through a seriously emotional time in my life. Dealing with all the healing of past and present trauma while being a new empty nester, and newly sober human. That notice threw me into a tailspin I still haven't recovered from. I spent the next couple months trying to work and save to be able to move. The problem was the world was also more expensive and being a single women I just didn't make enough to put anything back. Then a month into this new mess my car got reposed and that is when I had my meltdown. It was tragic, freeing, self destructive, and satisfying all at once. Oh. wait a little side note, my mother had also disowned me because I suck at being alive. That's a story for later though, back to my homeless journey.  I got a storage again, paid a fortune to get my car back, and quit my job. In that order. I can't tell you what was happening to me still. I know now that I was just spiraling and had no idea how to make a decision. I  just said fuck it, I don't care anymore. It's too fucking much for me to deal with. The guy I was dating was a complete ass, another story for later. My kids were pissed at me over him, I had no friends because sober people lose all their non sober friends almost instantly, the one kid that was talking to me is in prison and needs money from me, and I just had found out that I had a warrant for my arrest for not paying my fines. I just didn't give a fuck anymore and was ready to throw in the towel. I mean for the love of God I had just went 3 months with no utilities, bathing in rain water I had collected, and living by candlelight. Finally paid the bill only to realize my car wasn't paid, the only reason I could afford the lights, and then my car is taken. Get it back only to  find out I was going to be homeless again within less than a year. All of this on top of the traumas I had buried my entire life and kept deep inside with alcohol were coming at me, and I was struggling to heal in a sober healthy way already. The worst part about the Year 2022 is the things I'm writing about is a small portion of the actual shit show I was living. When I say hot mess express with so much trauma happening a monk would even have to scream, I am underplaying how bad my life was. I for the first time ever didn't care if I lived or died. I wasn't just drowning I was buried. With all this going on you would think that I went back to drinking and that is how I became homeless. Nope, I didn't give up. I became homeless because I had no money to save, and that is when I quit my job. I decided with so much conviction that I would no longer work long hours and not have a life to make other people rich, while I couldn't even afford to eat. So I said fuck you all I quit!! I still picked up work freelancing and working for myself. I saved and still at the end of the day, I couldn't find a place that  I could afford and  would accept animals. So once again out on the streets I went, this time with no car. I can say at first it wasn't horrible. I stayed with my boyfriend and things were ok. Then Christmas morning all hell broke loose and I was kicked out on the street. He eventually let me and my dog back in so we wouldn't freeze to death but man I went through hell for the following weeks and months. I couldn't work with no ride so I couldn't pay bills or pay off debts at all. I had borrowed from everyone and everything was getting past due fast including my storage. I did everything I could to stay above water. Right when I was ready to give up completely, asshole of the year kicked me out. So with no where to go I went to a persons house I barely knew and spent the night. That was the first step in the right direction. We stayed up all night talking and she agreed to sell me a car for nothing down and payments when I could make them. Looking back on that night I remember I didn't trust her, the situation, or any excitement I felt because in my 44 years I had learned something too good to be true almost always is. This was the first time I was wrong. A few days later I had her car and I finally was only partially homeless. The first thing I did was go to my storage to get my blankets and pillows so I could sleep in the car with my dog. God it was like Christmas morning when I cuddled my big comfy comforter around me. I cried a little at how good it felt. That night I felt comfort and security again, it was freezing but I had a space heater, extension cord, and my blankets. I was happy for a brief moment. I sat with my laptop and dog and started to make plans. You know I would like to say that the house I was plugged into was a nice strangers, or one of my good friends that was allergic to dogs, or someone in my family that just didn't have room for me inside. But none of that is true. The truth of the matter was I knew hundreds of people, and were related to even more than that. You can throw a  rock in any direction in my town and hit someone and there is a 77.89% chance I'm related to them, and a 99.78% chance I know them well enough to be able to sleep on their couch. Yet there were only a couple who even offered me a place to shower, or just use the bathroom. God forbid I ask to sleep over. So I was stuck in the now asshole, cheating boyfriends driveway using his electric. All while he was inside warm and not hungry, talking to other women telling them how beautiful they were, and how he would rescue them from their awful ungrateful men they were dating. To top that off he would come out to accuse me of cheating and talking to other guys while I sat freezing in my car trying to start a business on my laptop. I struggled on, and eventually started booking appointments. So back to my storage to get my tools for work. I almost collapsed when I seen the overlock tag on it. I swear I thought that was it for me. I was going to just become a fulltime committed homeless person. With dirty clothes and a backpack, taking better care of my dog than myself. I cried a lot. I begged them to let me get my tools. I called everyone I knew trying to borrow or buy on payments what I needed. I had one friend sell me a pretty expensive item on payments. I am still making them to her. Then finally I got a call from the storage and the owner let me in to get what I needed! I was so relieved and cried again. I think homeless makes you cry a lot, or maybe it was just me. I took my time organizing my new home.  I put my work things, clothing, bathroom, and cleaning supplies in my trunk, set up the backseat like a bedroom, and the passenger seat and floor board as the office and kitchen area. I slept in the house that night. It was nice but I remember wondering if I would ever be warm again. Laying there in the bed with the douche canoe I was still freezing. My hands clenched up not able to relax, but I kept reassuring myself that this too shall pass. The next morning I went to my first clients house and started my business. I felt so embarrassed and unsure about it. Pulling up in this beater with a broken heater, dog in the backseat, breakfast in the front. I knew I looked homeless and desperate and I felt the same way inside. To my surprise no one ever said a word and that was such a relief. I felt like shit, looked like shit, and was being treated like shit by a man all the time. I got off work and sat in my car driving from one place I could park to the next. Never being able to relax because I still hadn't been able to take care of that warrant for my fines. So I had no license or insurance and was afraid a cop would come to my window asking questions. I used to get so upset about that. I still can't wrap my head around taking someone to jail for not paying a fine. Obviously I can't afford it or I would pay it! Most laws are ridiculous, most laws make no sense, and most laws aren't needed. It's all about money and control. The police don't protect and serve like they are supposed to and the judges don't rule with the facts mixed with heart. They rule to make the city more money. Why the hell do I have to pay the state of Whatever $300 for not wearing a seatbelt! I am a grown ass women with my own mind. If I want to risk my fucking life leave me the fuck alone and let me. It's none your damned business what I am doing in my car or with my life! OH and my loud mother fucking muffler!! I sat in jail 5 hours over a fucking muffler I couldn't afford to fix!! Then paid to get my car out of the cop impound, paid the ticket of almost $300, and had to get a special more expensive insurance cause in the process of moving my insurance company had dropped me because of the fucking seatbelt ticket added with a speeding ticket. They all work together for the greater good right? Lmao I will never agree with the bullshit traffic laws, or the outrageous cost of being a licensed driver. It's fucking ridiculous and everyone knows it they just don’t say it. Anywho,  after doing this driving and parking driving and parking I would be able to come the males house late at night and take a shower, shit, and eat. Sometimes he even let me sleep inside all night, as long as I was a well behaved pet I could come inside. I was exhausted and at this point crying all the time. I was making money though and saving what I could. One night he kicked me out and I had  a full busy day the next day, I tried the driveway but he threatened to call the cops. I knew I would go to jail, my dog the pound, all my things and car be taken away, and I just wanted to sleep in a bed! A warm room of my own and take a fucking shower! A good long shower. So I paid way too much for a hotel room. God it was wonderful, so much so I spent every dime I had saved to stay there. I didn't pay my fines again. I didn't pay my car insurance, or my cellphone bill, or anything on the car. Not a dime went to eat, or car maintenance, gas no way! All I wanted was to sleep and recover. I cancelled appointments, I flaked out on everything and in the end I found myself begging him to help me out. Once again allowing a man to treat me in a way I would have never put up with before. My life before was so different. I had new cars, nice houses, season seats to the football stadium. Vacations when I wanted, friends blowing my phone up wanting to do one amazing thing after another. I stayed in mansions and met movie stars. I was on top of  the world, and then the world fell and all I had was a shitty car and my storage. But to me that was something to start with. I had to get out of this mess for myself, but also my kids, animals and most importantly my granddaughter. She needed to see mamaw come from the bottom and get it back like her dad, aunt, and uncle had witnessed before. She had to see a strong women that didn't give up and fought the fight until the bitter end. Soldier up little princess, the world is not easy and it's even worse if you are a women. Watch mamaw fight, you will never see her give up. If she fails, she will take the blood of her enemies with her! So the next morning I went to work and when I was done for the day, the man I had to beg for help, and only person that helped me, was in a good mood and I was allowed in the house a little earlier. That was when I knew I had to get focused and live like I did when I had household bills and responsibilities. So I sat down and did my budget. Holy Mary mother of Christ!! I couldn't believe how mother fucking expensive it was to be homeless!! I cried and I think my soul died a little. I seen no way out of this situation. Nothing, I was fucked in the ass with no lube and an abnormally large dick!! This was planet bullshit and I was living on the mother fucker. That's when the anger started. I was 5 months into this fucked up situation and there wasn't an ounce of hope in site. I wanted to just curl up and someone else figure this shit out, but there was no one else. It was me, I was the adult and I was supposed to know the answers. Who the fuck left me in charge of my life? Can't they see this isn't working out?