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[50--50]

Honestly thank you for the pick me up. Things just feel weird and off right now. Kind of excited to not have to do a whole lot for the time being. I'd like to find someone who makes me laugh. What got you into cross stitching? I feel bad just talking about my stuff.

[50--50]

Yea, scary is a word I'd use to describe it. I wish I didn't have that feeling but it's a bit terrifying to be alone and I certainly feel alone in some sense. I think there's a lot of value in being comfortable on your own, but I'm pretty fuckin far from that haha. It was the right decision. We weren't happy by the end and the relationship was rife with problems from the start. But she did care about me. I mean she hated me but she also loved me. She was willing to keep trying despite all the problems. And looking back it's easy to remember the happy times. I am 99% sure I made the right decision. I think she simultaneously genuinely loved and hated me. So in the future I hope to find a partner that doesn't genuinely hate me. Aiming high.

[50--50]

Yea, on the outside I get glimpses of people I really don't know or care about and they seem to have it all together. It's actually a bit annoying, and certainly demoralizing. I guess when I look at my circle, as small as it is, people seem to have it kinda together or are getting there with meaningful progress. So I feel like I have to catch up but I really don't know how. I hope people don't resign themselves to whatever they've found and make the most of it. If that's the case then 99% of the world is amazing at acting. Also I broke up with Glennie, and I'm kinda bouncing back and forth as to whether that was a step forward or a step back.

[50--50]

But someone would be happy though. I'd kill for some lack of accountability for what I do or don't do. And it's a good superpower. Less vanilla than flying. Probably just as gratifying. I'm not super great I guess. I feel lost overall. Done school now. Gotta do adult stuff. I don't like it

[50--50]

Yea, it's kind of anticlimactic when you take a pill and nothing immediately happens. Like you wait all day, and then all week and you don't feel instantly better. Funnily enough I was thinking of that saying. It's so dumb. Probably closer to the bottom of my list of sayings. I'm sorry about Thomas. These things hurt. It makes you wish you made a different choice, or that they felt differently. Friendships and relationships seem consistently tricky. Glad Figgs is good though. In the grand scheme of things it seems like cats are what matter.

[50--50]

It did cost me one friendship that was pretty important to me. I think that may be why I'm ruminating on it. Also I realized I never asked. How's Figgs? And how've you been holding up in the day to day?

[50--50]

Well broke up with G in Ghana. That's not the big bad thing and another story all together. Couple months after that feelings got kind of meddled with someone else and I ended up kissing someone who was in a relationship. And a friend walked in on it. And it put a whole lot of undue stress on a lot of relationships and friendships and became a real big thing. And it was a real shitty thing to do and kind of ensured we all left Ghana with the friendships damaged or not intact. Ghana kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth now. Still a big ol secret between only a few. So it kinda left me feeling/confirmed I'm a consistently shitty person. I wasn't too sure if I was gonna share that at all. I don't wanna offload any of my shit on you, you've got your own life to lead, ya know?

[50--50]

It's nice to know I don't have to tread lightly around what I say. I kind of felt like I was in that position for a while lately, it's hard to break the habit. It's different to think about what could have been. Our lives would be so radically different it's hard to comprehend. I really don't know what it could have looked like. See I think it's kind of funny that you feel you have to apologize. You fought so hard and for so long to try and make us work. I never put forward the effort that you did. I was never as considerate or giving or thoughtful, and I am incredibly thankful for everything you did and tried to do when we were together. You were as compassionate as you could have been. I don't imagine you could have done anything different, I wasn't in a place to get better at the time. It's hard to accept that you might need the outside help, or to even look at it. I don't think it makes you weak, but I know it feels like it does. Someone saying to doesn't won't make you feel any different or better. Sort of an exercise in futility and I'm not trying to patronize you. Don't have any sagely advice for being happy. That bit still kind of escapes me too. But I don't think you're at a point yet where you need to know what you want to do. I just graduated and I'm still not sure if it's the right choice. I'm worried people just kind of accept whatever they choose and have to live with it whether it makes em happy or not. That's actually pretty bleak and I swear I'm trying to be at least a little uplifting! I wouldn't be too jealous of me. I did something in Ghana I really shouldn't have and managed to destroy the few important friendships I developed while in school. It was actually pretty spectacular. My fault, but spectacular none the less.

[50--50]

Admittedly I was pretty surprised to see you posting again on your blog. After going for coffee, I kinda believed that was it. Blogs done. I creeped your insta, you look happy and active. It seems like you and C do a lot of different things, and that's good. The cross stitching is really cool as well. Wouldn't have guessed that as a hobby but to be fair I probably couldn't guess too much about you now. It seems like you've got a handle of things though, and I really am happy for you. I understand the memory bits you mentioned. I know at the time I was happy. Things were great, and like you said I remember that as a fact. Fact of life just seem to be kinda shitty. Which is shitty in and of itself. Kind of a bummer. I want to apologize again, for everything I did to you. I never helped keep track with family planning. I didn't offer much support up to and during the abortion, and I certainly didn't offer any after. Looking back I don't think I offered you too much at any point in time really. You kind of held us all together for almost 4 years. I'm not really sure where to go with all this. I don't think there's a right thing to say but I'm worried there are wrong things. It almost feels like I don't have the right to comment on what our kid would have been like. And I really don't have the right to tell you anything about what your children will be like. However I do not think your eggs will be dumb, or that you will end up with someone who is infertile. From who I remember you as, you were always the kind of person to help, and to try and do right by whoever you can. As random and mean as the universe can be, I don't think you're going to be punished. If and when you want kids, I think they will be lucky to have you as their mother. Having these concerns seems like you love them immensely already. That you will give them your all and it could not be possible for you to love them more. I'm sorry I can't help you with feeling like the first one is gone. In all honesty I'm not really sure how to process it myself. In the moment I think we made the right decision. And when you do have the blake thoughts I hope you think of them as a bullet dodged. In the same sense that a person feels relief when a nuke gets blown out of the sky or magically disarmed and falls into the ocean harmlessly. Also if you do ever see me crying in a flea market, I'll probably open with "hello", before getting to the heavy stuff.

[50--50]

I'll put a picture up when I can. It's red. There's a chicken on it. I'm sure you'll recognize it. Very "you". I imagine a quick delivery then?

[50--50]

So I was cleaning my room and I found your red “wonton coo cock” shirt. Not too sure what to do with that.

Also you can go ahead and ignore that my room is still in that much disarray.

[50--50]

Not a strong finish but it’s a finish. Close to being done which is nice. Weird though, graduating at 25.

There’s something to be said about knowing what you don’t want to do. It does sound rough though, not trying to minimize that. There’s no sagely advice for a quick fix. I’m trying to think of a way to address it without asking how you’ve been, but it’s tricky.

[50--50]

Maybe this hurts us more than anything though

[50--50]

Pretty exhausted. Can’t think of a better word. School is good and I’m getting more of a handle on it, but I wake up at 5 for clinical, and go to bed around midnight all week, which takes its toll. And I’ve got a final in 5 days and I’ve been shitting the bed in that class. More than a little worried its gonna cost me my trip.

Can I ask what you’ve been up to then?

[50--50]

Severing the tie completely has proved to be pretty hard. Intermittently messaging on here is still something. It makes the loss just a bit less.

[50--50]

Honestly it’s probably a good thing you don’t remember the feeling anymore. Personal growth, freedom from the chains of our relationship, the liberty to explore new love. They’re all important things.

[50--50]

How is everything? Seems like an dumb questions but I really am curious. New interests, hobbies, outlooks? Books read, adventures had, foods eaten?