5492-v2

[5492-v2]

비우려해도 비워지지 않는

memories? nightmares? no -- retention.

because i'm in a port city, because this place held you once through me, because it was likely to happen with commonplace sutures, blah-dee-blah blah blah blah blah

but it's not any worse than it was, just more frequent

or is that worse, actually

a bomb, ticking erratically, or a dead rat softening in a blistering attic, or treaded leaves on a busy street, or the ink running the pages of a wet journal, or

will it always be this way?

[5492-v2]

미치겠다

군밤 먹고싶다

[5492-v2]

덤덤히 버티곤 있답니다요.

[5492-v2]

담담하게 잘 다녀와서

[5492-v2]

as my trip comes to a close i feel a creeping anxiety, though i had no plans to see through and though i had no goals to achieve.

낮설고 애뜻한 여기서 i've done what l could, always just what i could. how much else would i be able to ask of myself and of others? just as much as i can.

i feel the physical difference between the spaces i occupied and my presence in them. 원래부터 이리 작았엇나, 원래부터 이리 멀었엇나...

여행이라고 하기엔 너무 숙제같았던 몇주였다.

soon i will be returning to mine and only mine. i have a lot to think over...

[5492-v2]

one thing i have never understood about this place is that we are all the same - we are all people, with the same genetics - how is there a difference in between these people re: class, caste, or otherwise??

the differentiation that people seem to seek out is superfluous and in the end, amounting to no different an end. why then is it sought so fervently?

an emphasis in being better, doing better than my peers. wanting or needing??

[5492-v2]

나의 옛 제자가 졸업을하고 직장인이되고 커리어를 쌓고 그 와중에도 나를 찾아주고 나를 생각해줬다는게 너무나도 감동적이다.

as a poli sci student, i wanted so much to send her to Queens, but i am glad she took the route she did. 외로움 많이 타는 아이라 걱정을 많이했었다.

아쉬운 점이있다면 she says now that she's forgotten a lot of her english. all of the work i put in ㅠㅜ...

[5492-v2]

had i ever known peace?

[5492-v2]

지금의 당신을 알고 싶다는 생각이 가끔 들어.

그래도 안되는건 안되는거니까.

그리움은 projection의 하나의 facet이래, face-value로 믿으면 안되는거래.

this is what i'd rather tell myself than face you to tell the truth.

[5492-v2]

내 생각이 맞는것 같다.

[5492-v2]

moving requires fear. people don't move effectively without being afraid: fear of being late, fear of being unimportant, fear of missed opportunity, etc, etc.

moving requires fear, but i move in spite of fear, to spite fear, to extinguish fear. funnier still, i move so i can fear.

fear of change. fear of disappointment, of failure. fear of growth.

all so disquieting and paralysing.

하지만, 두려움도 반갑게 맞이하여

so that i can live and live a bigger world than before;

love is grief in the same way that growth is fear.

[5492-v2]

오늘밤은 제발 꿈 없이 자게 해주세요

그가 또 오면요

그가 오지 않으면요

[5492-v2]

왜, 또??

[5492-v2]

애니웨이 전 이러고 지낸답니다

[5492-v2]

오늘밤은 제발 꿈 없이 자게 해주세요

그가 또 오면요

그가 오지 않으면요

[5492-v2]

6월9일

집에 간다

[5492-v2]

i feel uncommonly rude sometimes, aggravated to a point of archaic delight.

it's funny to me that some words should bother people when they don't mean a thing to me, and absolutely staggering that most words could hurt all of us but no one using those words cares enough to hold them in.

it's an odd disparity, oxymoronic even, but what time can do to you...

i can't sleep. i can't fall asleep. i can't close my eyes and drift. no one teaches you how, they just tell you to try.

same thing with words. when you can't pull back, no one ever teaches how, they just tell you to try, or be. that's the funny one. be nice, they say. but how can you be when you've never learnt how?