60daysofbreaking-blog

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Ringing

Read some thread today. Really rang it in about why I took it so hard. Cause from day 1 I kind of knew you’d found someone else and although you said it’s nothing. Is it really. The mere fact of the matter is you let him drive a wedge between us and you let him coerce you. You replaced me with him. And you lied about it, hid it. On some level I wished I could make you feel the same pain. The ringing, the loss of balance, the disgust, hurt, confusion, self loathing, sunken stomach, asphyxiated hardening of my heart in that moment. The overwhelming feeling of betrayal. Like how could someone I loved so much want to hurt me like this. I thought you'd at least understood that feeling. But i’m not like that. I’m better than that. Maybe not now but i’m getting there.

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Whore

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Day 9

So Im abandoning all those theme days. today I just want to talk about today. anyways ive already told you everything so far.  I had a dream, we were out with you friends and you didnt seem to want me there. And then car crash and when i got to it, there were already people helping, and the person inside, there were some gruesome sounds. and I stopped and ran away.  The more I think about it, the more i feel like it trying to tell me something, or at least I’m trying to realise something.  The you not giving a fuck about me or wanting me is pretty clear cut. By all means it does seem that youve sort of already moved on. and for that i dont know, theres a lot of resentment. I wish you’d come back but at the same time I know that although I may be able to love for the both of us, it would last. Im worth more than that.  the second part is the one I am struggling with more, its was odd, I was lucid at that point of the dream, i got up and ran to it. and as I got closer I got more and more afraid till i stopped and turned away. Maybe Im reaching but could it be that I dont want to confront pain? I dont know. I just know i woke up feeling like shit. and that was pretty much the mood for the day.  Its kind of sad that this is really an uphill tumble. each day I tell myself I’ll feel better and some days I do, and then i slip back into being sad. and then it feels worse cause yknow I lost the initial footing. Life works in this way, you dont choose when youre okay, but I just wish it wasnt an Uphill stumble.  So at night you talk to me and we’re getting into it. I try to define whats going on, and we talk about it. and we say goodnight, I mention that sometimes like talking to you is hard cause it almost the same, minus all the parts of affection and shit. its hard. you said I coulld still say I loved you if i wanted to. And that was what ticked me off a little.  you cant have your cake and eat it too. I dont know if this whole thing is about you finding yourself, or wanting to see if you could hook another guy or whatever but the deal is you told me you dont know what you feel for me anymore, you dont want to get into that. I GET IT, but how can you ask that of me, It hurts when some one doesnt reciprocate, be it your love or like respect. you of all people should know that after whatever the fuck you and marcus went through.  I dont know, i feel like its odd, we’re talking, and we’re opening up to each other again. but we’re not together, and you wont give me an answer and in the context, i would be a douche to ask. But seriously how am I suposed to be dealing with this.

I dont know thinking back this feels a lot like you being greedy, yknow you want to have me around and shit but not held down but at the same time I dont know cause it seems you dont want me around either and its just fucking frustrating going through these swings. Like should i be hopeful or give up. Like if we’re supposed to get back together how am I supposed to fall out of it and then back into it. I dont know how you do it. but maybe you dont want to fall back in. I dont know fuck this Im going to sleep

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Day 5.4

Angles, people like perspectives i like angles. feels more fluid. I like that. I dont know why you shut me out. but now there a two ways of looking at where you are now. This is what i think your headspace is like now.  Growing up youre been sheltered, its what happens when you grow up in an echo chamber, your naturally impressionable, but that was alright for most of your life because everyone around you had roughly the same belief structures, ideals and behaviours. They’d be typical church going folk, they’d be polite, good hearted in appearance, and talk about ideals.  The more time you spent with me, you slowly realised the world was a bit bigger than the well you grew up in. but its alright, I was just a small part of it. a smaller well, now your well grew slightly.  I figure when you first went into food panda you got to see people for all walks of life, people with ideals and beliefs all across the spectrum. It must have been an eye opener. Imagine a cup of water, not so scary when you take it in sip by sip, but all at once. that's how they punish terrorists.

So now you flooded by all these conflicting views and being pressure by so many people to take after them, you are the intern after all everyones bound to guide you and imprint on you. I’ll probably continue this entire days venture. wiht 6 support 7 reflection, 8 action and 9, a fresh start. when i find pockets of time.  But today was hard. I feel like everyone think im over reacting to this, my friends dont seem to share empathy and pity, my family though supportive seem to follow this sentiment. pushing me out of this cocoon ive made for myself. and its just hard.  I was going to break of into how there the side of your story i want to believe, what you tell me. and the side i dont want to believe. the side of you slip ups, you honestly. and anger. It all points to the fact that you probably dont want me anymore.   and the last 2 angles. the situation if we have a chance, and we’re pausing, and if we dont then its over and me hanging is just a waste for both of us.  The lesson about angles is there are so many ways to look at things, and it can be hard to put aside what makes the most sense, what I feel is the truth, what i should accept as my truth, and what i want to believe. and they all have different follow ups. thats whats the hardest about it on. I want to just hold on to what we have, in one way or another. but if thats not for you. I cant stand by and watch it go. I can try to loosen my grip but by how much.  and i cant pressure you cause you dont know to, and if i squeeze you, you’ll run. But i just cant keep living in this limbo, from confident to insecure, from enjoying myself to having panic attacks creeping up on me. So i need to make a decision. For me. I need to choose me too.

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Day 5.2

Everyone draws themselves out to be the hero, Overselling their merits, down playing the faults. I’m going to try to play that down here.

-grass is always greener m I rite?-

This ones about my side, my angle on what we did for each other, maybe one day you’ll let me know yours. Probably not. Not that I see an amicable end anymore.

So i’m going to start with my cons, it’s easier. They’re always sitting around in my head somewhere waiting to haunt me.

I’d like to point out that tumblr fucking lost my post and i’m retyping from here. Fuck. First I’m sorry that I didn’t spend more time at your place and with your family, that I let you accommodate to my awkwardness and insecurity, and we always spent time at my place. I’m sorry I let that become our norm. It might not have seemed like much, yknow we we’re still together right? But no, I robbed you of time with your family, time in your own space , luxuries you afforded me and maybe that’s why you lost yourself, you were just too deep into me. You know how i’m always sweating the “ small ” things, how like I’m always fussing about things. I’m sorry if it seemed like I was fighting you about it, if I belittled your beliefs and watered you down. Truth of the matter is, like I told Joel, I’ve know for a long time that I would wife you, and despite my differences and yours, I would give you everything I could if you’d ask for it. Me fighting back sometimes would just be me fishing, trying to see if it really mattered, but more so you wouldn’t find out that I was such a pushover when it came to you. On some level I didn’t want to lose myself giving you everything, but on another I wanted to, but I just couldn’t let everything go so easily, I wanted to seem rooted, so maybe it seem like I could say no. I’m sorry if this divided us. For example, sometimes when you ask it’s not only about over promising, what if I promise and you take it for granted? I’m sorry I wasn’t vulnerable enough. I didn’t like to go out; and you really liked to go out. It got to the point where when we did go out, you’d tell me that you didn’t feel comfortable, that I was rushing you. I should have assured you it was fine. I didn’t. Since that failed, we fell into the situation where you would go out with you friends and I’d just be home waiting for you. Seems like a win win right? I get what I want and you do to. But thinking back I don’t think you did get what you wanted. You didn’t just need to be out, you didn’t need someone with you, on some level I feel now that you needed me to be there with you. I was never really one for mixers, and I slowly shied from contact under the umbrella of your love. It really didn't hit me till we were talking about me cutting my hair today. I was so dependent on you to finish my shit for me, to do my shit for. It's never really felt like much and I don't know if you noticed but yknow how we ordered food and I'd say what I wanted you and you'd do the rest. Yea it wasn't really nice to find that out today. And I guess you knew all along seeing how you are always afraid to take me out know that be a stick in the mud ruining your fun. I'm going to need to fix that about myself. __________________________________________ Now then let's talk about things I think I did do right, at least in my opinion. When I first met you I was in a weird place, I was running from my classmates, trying to find a safe haven for me to just set up shop and let walls down. I was finding some one I could click with, cause I needed to. This involved talking a a bunch of other girls. From early on I could pick up that you didn't like it, you were disturbed by them, more so than you'd like to admit so I got rid of them all and decided not to hang around girls anymore. What did I need them for? I had you. Sure the gay jokes about me were sad and yes it felt pretty lonely not having anyone to turn to but I don't know I felt if that help keep us happy, it was worth it. But now you're gone, and there's no one. Last point was sort of weak and the original captured more of how I felt but whatever i'm really numb now. The limbo of us talking is so weird. On one hand I like that you're here but it's not the same and it just makes me feel so insecure. Moving on, I know we were talking about unconditional love it's the other day, and you were saying that was what you gave me. Truth of the matter is you did, and I hope that I was able to give the same to you. I felt that I did my best to take care of you; ferrying you point to point, taking you out for meals and stuff, supporting you in everything you did. It felt nice, and sure you could say "Na fuck you, you just spent your parents money.. " you wouldn't be wrong but you're missing the point. I've never really been good about spending their money, and with you I could just do it guilt free because I knew it was worth it. Spending a years worth of my money so we could watch Coldplay, worth it. Waiting till 5am so I can send you home and make sure you were okay, worth it. Selfishly on some level I wish Rachel was still around. Her and Doug really made me shine, and hopefully in your eyes too. Yes she makes you shine too but you've always shined , that's why you're you. But I wish she was around to tell you how lucky you were, and what a dick other guys can be. I didn't like that she wanted you to be crazy like here but she did make me feel assured, and sometimes you'd echo her praises. I really miss those praises. ------------------------------------------------------ There's more to say above but I can't right now, i'm hurting so I will just add this last one in. York, yes York. I feel that I've handled her quite well. The crazy shrew. It started out with us talking, and we clicked, she felt that she could be open with me about her family problems, and I could relate. For the first time in 10 years, 17 year old me had found someone I could talk about with my family problems. It was liberating, being able to bounce things off her, and her relating back to me, our responses verbatim. We tried dating but that didn't work out, no not because she's crazy or anything but because I couldn't open the rest of myself to her, I was so caught up in sharing one facet of myself, it was the only part of myself I could share. As the years went on I tried to excise her from my circles, but it was hard, we still clicked and I still needed someone to talk to about these problem, but I trotted on. I'm sure you knew that she was always trying to pull me away from you to revisit us, and I was never at nipping that at the bud. There was the incident of bawling at a stay over at kierons, the entire disaster which was the batam holiday; a holiday which she single handedly put together so she could get me in a room alone to talk about her unresolved feelings. I'd always be able to say no to her, but there was once I was tempted. I'm sure you know, remember when I had lost feelings? Remember the week where we almost broke up because I didn't know what I felt anymore? I was lured by exploring unfinished paths, or exploring the world alone, I was afraid that I hadn't done enough. I was afraid to commit. I'm sure you do, that's where you gave me the talk, you told me that love was a choice. Some days would be easier and some days would be harder and but the end of the day you'd be the one to choose whether we continued together, you decide to work on the issues we would face. This opened an entirely new angle to love for me, something that's I can only describe as accountability or responsibility, that what happens is ultimately down to us, and i'm glad that resonated with me because at the end of the day, I chose you and our relationship blossomed. So the next milestone in this part of our story was what happened at Christmas. Everything as usual, my classmates come over and you wanted to be here for reasons I'd let you tell me. But something happened that day and I think I should be honest about it now. So everything was going smoothly, it was getting late so we moved to the basement, Mayank hosted a game and me and York got paired. Mariann came along and started talking to us. I thought she wanted to catch up, but she started asking personal questions about our relationship, points that she probably knew we were in contention about ( our sex life, our plan for kids, our plan for raising kids, how we were going to handle religion, how we would deal with family) and like she dig and claw into every crack she could find. Looking back now I know she was priming me. For what came next. So next up York goes on about how William almost didn't come and how they were fighting, because she had a sex dream about me. (Lmao bitch I haven't seen you in a year the fuck you on about) and ask if I thought about her, I told her sometimes I would but we were seeing people now and we owed it to each other and both you and William to see things through. She countered back with this. She said yea I was right, but she'd like to be done with these thoughts, she asked how she could talk to me without you knowing, I asked why, and then it came. She wanted to meet me for one night, to end everything, a night of "crazy sex " and we'd say goodbye. In that moment I was thrown off, like what the fuck but I wanted to find you. Not because I needed to hold you to find the strength to say no, but because I felt nothing in that moment, that I was so sure in my commitment to you, it was a happy moment for me, and a breakthrough, but it was only fleeting cause you'd already left, you didn't like me sitting with her so you left without saying goodbye. I wrestled with telling you about that happened that night, I struggled with it for a week. I couldn't tell anyone because I only have you. Luck would have it that me and Robin would run into daphne, and I managed to pour everything out to her. She told me not to tell you, a decision she would turnover. She said no good could come from it. I took her advice, not solely because it was sound but because it was easy. Now i'm not trying to say i'm a hero for the choices I made, im just trying to give context to why the " love is a choice " thing means so much to me, and maybe you'd understand how much it hurts that you don't think so. I also want to be able to tell you anything, I want us to be honest with each other, so that we can work through things together. I want to be able to share everything with you. But we'll see how that goes.

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Day 5

Angles. I guess that's today's theme. The mood for today. It took me a lot to sleep too many thoughts running in my head. Thoughts I'll probably try to detail as the day goes on. I had a dream today. And man I wish I had caught it while I could some maybe I could just savor it while it was here. Fleeting but I was happy. It was a simple dream, segmented but simple. Part one was just an amalgamation of wakeboarding I probably picked up from watching YouTube trying to fall asleep. Part 2 though. I don't know how it began but it basically scenes of us together, I was in them and watching them. The scenes felt independent but also cohesive. They depicted us together, and I just remember feeling so fulfilled. Things were good and things were easy. One flowed into the next and then back again. I guess that's what we were in. Our bubble, our rut. I loved every bit of it, the monotony wasn't just passable, I loved how we just feel into each other's gaps. Every possible puzzle we put up for one another we'd full effortlessly. It reminded me of how simple things felt and how perfect they seemed. But that was just my angle, and now I know you were unsettled. But did I really? I guess one of the biggest parts of this is the shock. You started shutting me out as you felt the changes, you didn't let me in to help or see you perspective. You left me looking at things in my own disillusion while you took on your demons. So while I was happily enjoying our bliss, you were packing to leave, getting really to burn it all down. I just couldn't see it. And that hurts, putting aside everything. You wanting to feel out your options with other guys and hiding that from me, you tossing me to the side going back on everything we stood for; it just kind of sucks that through it all you shut me out, you gave up on us so early on. You had one foot out the door and when push came to shove it wasn't about saving us, it was about leaving me behind. And honestly from someone that I thought loved me, that cuts me. Cuts. Me. Deep. "Better an opps than a what if ", I guess that's your angle Mervelle, sounds so liberating. It's just not mine. Mines a burning room. With no way out. Just a glass cage, slowly closing in.

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Day 4.5

-Floored-

So it’s night now.

Today was probably my best day so far.

Started with rage like in the earlier post but yknow I felt alright, was a nice change from the endless crying.

And then you came back, you wanted to be here for me. You wanted to make sure I was okay, patronizing but i’m in to pathetic of a state to say no. We keep talking it feels good. You’re distant and slow to reply, but I’ll take what I can get.

Jon and del came over, probably the only family I’ve told only because of the wedding, they hung out in my room. We didn’t talk about it but we just talked. It felt nice to be able to hold a conversation with someone. I didn’t do well but it’s a small step in the right direction.

My mom saw me, said I look better, she probably knows something is up, but I can’t find the words to admit it to her. I’m weak that way.

Joel invited us for pasta, he said he wanted to test something out. Probably wanted to make sure I was okay after yesterday’s talk, or bawl on my part. Cried through it like a little bitch. Dylan was there too, we had a good time. And I was able to enjoy it all because I thought things were normalizing. You were here, my friends were here, I felt alright.

But all good things come to an end don’t they. I had this burning question, a seed of suspicion planted by my friends on Saturday, that there was some one else. I didn’t want to ask. But I had to. I hoped that you could give me the answer I was looking for. But no such luck for me.

You said someone may like you.

I asked if you liked him

You said it wasn’t a problem

I asked if it wasn’t a problem cause you don’t like him or you do but you want to be alone now.

It was the latter. You said you wanted to test that option, to see if it would show you what you wanted in a relationship, whether you could bring it back to us. You wanted a fling, to strengthen us.. A FLING. TO FIX US?

See everything above, all the happiness I had in the day. Yup all of that just spiraled to the ground right now. Everything I drew strength from today just blown away. Nothing remained. I felt so much anger, confusion disappointment and ultimately weakness. I crumpled into a fetal position on the floor. How did we get here. How did you go from “ commitment and love is a choices ” to “ this fling will fix us ”. I can’t imagine.

You said you didn’t want to tell me cause everything would sound bad. No shit bitch. You said you just wanted some time to yourself, you’re busy with shit and can’t figure anything out. Fuck you whore.

I tried to be logical, I tried to say we can find you together, or you can do step by step, you don’t know the shut me out, but you want to don’t you? This whole thing was about asking permission to cheat, trying to feel better about whoring out.

You said you were trying.

I can’t tell anymore.

You said you were happy alone at home today, by yourself. But was there for me too.

I asked if you were there for him to.

You deflected, said you’d reply tomorrow. You needed sleep.

But I know, I know you were. Between talking to me, the “ breaks ” you were “away ” you were on whatsapp talking to him. Taking turn.

And like I said in my previous post, what happens when rage dissipates. I’m just shaking now, huddled in my fetal position. Crying on the floor.

Mervelle, how did we come to this. Also, I don’t think I can take this anymore.

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Day 4

Today's topic anger. Sort of woke up in a rage, something I haven't felt since the first day. It honestly a refreshing change from the self loathing and loneliness I was feeling. But I don't know when the rage dissipates I'll just be back to square one. Yknow personally I've always tried to keep myself a level headed person, see things from people's view, try to understand that no one sets out to be an arse but I need to rant. You always made me commit, you always wanted my commitment you always said that you'd be here. Were they lies? What the fuck, just cause you're suddenly going out more you don't want to be tied down, cause now you're going out with people that just don't seem to give a fuck about their significant others feelings you wanna have a hand at that' just throw me to the curb and call it a day? " love is a choice ", you hypocrite. You wanted a break and I didn't mind but suddenly you want to see other people kiss other people. I don't get it, you say if the tables were turned you wouldn't be able to take it. SO WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. Another thing that bites me is that on some level you knew this for awhile, and you just let yourself distance from me, drift away. You say you have been feeling it for awhile but you said nothing. You did this to us. Fuck you. You told me you didn't want to meet, you couldn't cause you had shit to do. But it was a lie wasn't it, you didn't have to help your sister with her shit did you? You didn't have to meet G did you. You weren't taking a day trip with your family. You just needed excuses to not see me. Well fuck you. If you really felt that way, why couldn't you respect me enough to just tell me. Fuck.

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Day 3,

;Today started alright, I woke up and it didn’t feel like my heart was crawling up my throat. But that didn’t last. The day only gets worse when I am awake, the thoughts that you don’t want us to work out but but can’t tell me, or the crushing disappointment that when the tables were turned you couldn’t commit to me in the same way that you wanted from me not too long ago. Or the feelings of loneliness cause I lost the only person I could be myself with. It’s funny though, like the tides my stability wavers a lot during the day, one moment i’m okay, the next i’m bawling my eyes, I’ll be able to look myself in the mirror and the next I’d be trying not to break it in with my face. I’m not trying to be dramatic but from a young age I never really felt like I was like everyone else. Sure I could strike a conversation with someone or blend into the back ground of a group, it’s like I just never could interact with someone while being myself, I’d always have to pretend be some soulless rock; no opinions no emotion, just rolling with the small talk till I could feel who the person felt I was, or who I felt they wanted me to be and I’d do my best to fill either or both those roles. I don’t know why I behave the way I do, probably because I don’t want to be turned away, or i’m afraid of letting them know me it is the way it is. And although I don’t really like to mix around with others, a part of me wishes that I could. A part of me wanted to be able to share who I was at least some one and that’s where you came along. But now you’re gone, and I don’t really know how to deal with that. I’m not like you, I don’t have friends or family I can talk to comfortably, and I don’t know, it just really hurts that you left our bubble and i’m just stuck here as it collapses, alone. Looking out feeling broken. But you wanted no contact and I need to respect that right? So I will. But it’s just so hard. Yknow?

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Day 1 and 2

know I called on day one, I needed to know why. But I did know why, I was just hoping that maybe you had the same sort of day I did; I don't know why but I just thought maybe you were having it as rough as I did, and you would want to call off whatever the fuck was happening, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. I told you about why I cried when you held me for the first time, but all I got back was a aww thank you. That was cold, it really hurt, I let myself be vulnerable got burned but I was wrong to expect anything more. On day two, you called me. My mom had asked if you're coming for dinner come Friday. You offered to show up so it wouldn't be too awkward. You don't know how much I want to see you, but how would that play out. I would probably just end up crying cause I know things aren't the same anymore. So we just talked some more, it sounds sad and desperate but just hearing your voice was probably the best feeling I've had in a long time and I didn't want it to end, for those 21 minutes, it felt like nothing was wrong, and I was at peace. I asked you again if you would want to come back, but I don't know if you're just trying to protect me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just in so much pain and I. Want it to stop. But there's no way out. There's not escape. And I just need to sit here slowly bleeding out. Losing myself more and more each day.