6desolateyears

[6desolateyears]

I wish that when I was drunk I was Corey and would sabotage all of my relationships with people instead of this. I fucking miss you so bad fuck you. I love your so much. I just desperately wanna hear about your day. I miss you. Please please stop. God I wanna fucking watching the world spin out of my control until it blinds me and I die. I just want to be loved by you. In any way you can give me why can't I shut the fuck up I love you I LOVE YOU I love you

[6desolateyears]

FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFCKYOUFUCKYOUFCUKYOI

[6desolateyears]

I'm tired of my relationships not working out.

[6desolateyears]

FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU FUCK YOU FUCKING BITCH FUCK YOU

[6desolateyears]

My friends really do b planting these thoughts that the person im into is talking to other ppl and that I'm not special at all to him. I hate these ugly feelings of possessiveness and jealousy. It's not me and I know. I also know that whatever I feel is valid. There's just like. All these lil signs. And I'm reading into everything. And I just can't. I feel it all too much. I need to talk it about it. They didn't mean anything malicious towards me by saying it, they just don't think it's that good of a person lol, but I still feel like maybe it's my fault. What are we doing? I don't trust him I don't idk UGH

[6desolateyears]

Wishing wishing wishing I had your attention. Wishing wishing wishing you'd let me love you. Fuck I wanna love you so bad. Wanna fuck you so bad. Wanna lay with you. I hate that he's so far away. Physically, emotionally. It hurts but feels so good. FUCK. ITS NOT FAIR AT ALL.

[6desolateyears]

I want to take opiates again so bad. Every time my mom talks to me I feel like I need to hurt myself.

[6desolateyears]

Never thought I'd be here

[6desolateyears]

I took opiates to get high

[6desolateyears]

TIRED OF SELF SOOTHJ G. I DO MY COPING SKILLS AND GO TO THERAPY AND DO MY HOBBIES AND IM STILL UNHAPPY. IM SO DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF FOR IT BEJNG THKS BAD. I JUST WANT A FUCKING HUG. SOMEONE TO HOLD ME AND TELLME ITS GOING TK BE OKAH. IDK IF ITS GOING TO BE OKAY ANYMKRE. I DONT KNOW IF I WANT IT TO BE.

[6desolateyears]

I FEEL LIKE IM STUCK. STARTED T AND NOTHING. IM NOT HAPOY WITH MYSELF. MY PIERCINGS GOT REJECTED. I DONT LOOK ANTTHING LINE I WANNA LOOK. I FEEL SO UGLY AND DISHUSYING I JUSY WANNA LOOK LIME MYSELF BUT ITS NOT HAPPENING

[6desolateyears]

Trauma brain really said let's throw you right back to when this started and throw you into an endless time loop where you consistently stay in this specific memory and you can't ever leave. Because OF COURSE I deserve that, and I deserve to be sad, and I'm fucking CRAZY AND DELUSIONAL and everyone sees me that way and maybe I'll start thinking I'm crazy again and I don't know how the fuck to get through that again by myself. No one cares. I reached out for help and I told them I couldn't be alone and no one cares. I'm home alone. I was supposed to be having fun today and I'm fucking miserable. The anger that floods me makes me do irrational things and I can't stop hitting myself or scratching and I think I shouldnjust overdose at this point. I know it would hurt everyone but I'm tried of hurting everyone so it'll be the last time. It will be the last time I just want it done no one's here. I'm sorry.

[6desolateyears]

Today has just all gone so horrible. I can't even think very good right now, it's hard to get words out because I've been keeping in all day. I feel sad and angry. I want to cry and scream. I started sobbing earlier because I'm hurting and everything hurts. I'm doing a bad job right now at being a friend. I'm doing a bad job at taking care of myself too. I just was screaming all day, then if not that crying, and then the dissociativeness. It was a blur. I feel like the past 24 hours hasn't passed and I'm still stuck in the day before. I don't feel like I've slept. Its like when you're up late until 5am but you're not going to say it's the next day until youve actually slept, that's what's resetting your day. I did sleep today, normal sleep, and then naps off and on. So I don't know why I'm stuck. It's frustrating and a lot of emotions. I feel overstimulated. All these things of overwhelmedness are the same things Ive felt for the past few months, maybe the past year. I'm trying to avoid using the same weirds, but it's all I can think of. That's what I feel. Sometimes in different variations but I'm still using the same words. Which is hurting. I'm hurting I guess. I have been. I lost the people that were away from this situation, I can't talk to them anymore, so everyone else left is in this with me. I need the reprieve though. I'm trying to find people. It's really hard though. I need the outside, fresh air, that people away from this situation can give me. It makes me feel sane. I've haven't for awhile. The group is planning on going camping. I know that that always makes me feel better, it was my idea technically. What if stayed home though? Away from everyone. Now that I think about it. It could be nice. Lonesome. I feel that a majority of the time anyway though. So perhaps we will see. Job stress. I'm applying to jobs. I don't have money. I don't want to work. I don't want to stay at home everyday though so I guess it'll help in some ways. Every day that I'm not hanging out with people is spent on not hurting myself. I put a lot of effort into thinking about this. I don't have my razors with me so I'd be using something random in the house which has honestly been the biggest deterrent. If I'm home though, there will be probably little to no hesitance, resistance. Which is not bad per se. That's a lot to dive into though that I don't have the energy for. I'm glad I cried today though. I haven't for awhile. It's been hard to. I still feel my emotions. They hit me like a bus, which is why I was yelling. They get kind of consuming which is probably why I don't have the energy to cry after. I did it today though. I have therapy on Wednesday. It's starting to feel like nothing is helping again. I hate feeling that way. I hate feeling unmanageable. It is not very fun. We will see. For when I return again.

[6desolateyears]

I feel like I have nobody to talk to rn and I am extremely overwhelmed. I'm sitting at home alone, like actually alone, and there's so much going through my head and I can't stop bouncing my fucking leg and I really need company.

[6desolateyears]

Do you ever wish that you could go back to a certain age even though when you were that age you felt like it was the worst time of your life and the hardest thing youve been through and now you're older, an adult, and everything is so much harder? You wish you could talk to someone and be intimate with someone. You wish upon wishes that you could get back together with your best friend because if they could just love you like they used to, maybe you could figure it out. I know that it wouldn't solve anything, to be in a relationship, but I just fucking need somebody. Anybody. To share intimacy with. To share these stupid fucking tumblr post-esque thoughts with. Then while sitting here, wishing you could go back to that age, you realize that even though it fucking sucked, and ruined you, at least you weren't here because anywhere would be better than here. You just want to leave. You feel close to no one. You start to believe you dont need therapy as often and then you get like this. You fucking need someone to talk even if its someone you're paying. What I would give to live endlessly in the good parts of that relationship. Even if I got bored. Even if I wanted to kill myself over and over like in inception because that would still be better than here. Fuck. Why am I struggling like this?

[6desolateyears]

The hardest and worst thing I've ever been through wasn't you cheating but everything after. That I wasn't enough to keep promises, try to fix our relationship. That you used me for sex when she didn't want you. That you lied. That you didn't try harder for me. That after all of that, you told me I was the love of your life, your soulmate, someone you'd die and life for, and you still chose someone over me. You still gave up.

[6desolateyears]

How do I do this just be honest just be honest please be honest I can't take it anymore why can't I make friends why doesn't anyone stay