6lost6but6trying

[6lost6but6trying]

April 9th

So we broke up yesterday…April 8th…

I think my feelings are all caught up that I don’t know what I’m actually feeling… it’s an empty feeling

But I’m so glad it’s not a “my heart is heavy” type of feeling where my chest is tight and I’m super depressed

I’m here in her bed as she is off to work

She told me to stay over since I couldn’t trust myself to go home 😞

It’s sad being in this bed but at least I’m safe and won’t do anything bad…

I woke up before her that when she saw me up she gave me the tap on my shoulder and look telling me to go back to sleep because it was 7am and I should be asleep…

Before she left she attempted to just make me smile n laugh …

My smile felt empty…

We are trying to see if we can be friends again like before… if not then we will lose contact to truely focus on ourselves…. And then try again…

idk where this is going

But I hope that I’m able to chat and hang with the people I used to and possibly see you again …

I’m just tired

[6lost6but6trying]

April 7 1:53am

Im here sitting in front of my tv after a gaming session with my best friend…

Wishing u were playing with us

I miss ur voice

I miss u giving us heads up and knowing where they are

I don’t know how you know but you do in detail which amazes me

If sitting here in front of my tv about to cry myself to sleep

Because I feel like I got nothing figured out

My relationship I have is feeling like it’s turning bad

But besides that I just feel useless

Like I’m not anywhere I wanna be yet

No goal

Nothing

Just here

Alive

When I don’t wanna be

I wanna cry myself to sleep

But I don’t wanna cry myself to sleep…

I don’t know

Im just really tired

Im overthinking so many stuff and as I hear my thought telling me I’m useless and i will never reach whatever goal I may have or a better future

I found myself just remembering the time I laid with u with my head on ur shoulder so close to your chest telling u that I’m nowhere financially stable and feel useless and I shut me up as u play with my hand that I had up and gently point to the middle of my palm tapping it gently telling me “ you will catch up to her financially, u will have money, you’re not useless, you’re somebody, you will make it, I believe in you”

Your words still run through my dull brain and it’s making me miss u more

I know if this ends,

You May or may not take me back in as a friend and I’ll respect either choice…

I just know I probably won’t be over you even tho I haven’t seen u in a while…

Haven’t heard that voice in a while…

I found myself the other day hearing ur voice saying “ look you little shit” and I smiled…

I was at work and he asked me why I was smiling and I just told him I remembered something funny that’s all

It’s not something funny

It’s something I like u calling me

I find it cute I don’t know why…

Im still so sorry all this happened this way

I just feel like I’m now being pushed against a corner of a wall and I want to be killed….

Don’t get mad at me

I thought about it again but then remembered that I promised you I wouldn’t do it…

I didn’t

But I did hurt my leg physically

It may be bruised in the morning, I have no idea but I got some sort of high which made me take deep breath and wanted to keep doing it til my thigh purple…

I stopped…

But please don’t get mad…

I turned to alcohol

I drank a little bottle I had then I created a ice tea drink and put the last bit of alcohol mix into my drink

I was feeling a buzz as I played my game

I told him I didn’t wanna video and just play

I didn’t want my best friend knowing I wasn’t ok

I did squats and spins in my room to feel a buzz and it somehow worked…

Im not ok.

Just glad there wasn’t anymore alcohol

All I want rn if to have things calm…

I just still catch myself missing you when I shouldn’t be

Im with her, I do love her but what does it say when I do love her and don’t wanna lose her but the more we fight the more im craving YOU …. You’re so close to me that I can walk to you…. C

I can drive 3 min just to see you…

With her it’s 10 mins by car…

That’s more than a 40 min walk….

I asked god so Many years ago when I came out to give me a gf so close to me….

He gave me you two…

At the same time…

I met you both in July 2022

Im so mad at god for doing this…

Im not even religious anymore but a part of me is still kinda religious….

I begged him for a person close to me and gave me you both…

Obviously you’ve always been the first choice….

I just choose her

And you already know why…

But then I question if I made the right choice or if I should’ve stayed friends with u and see where that could’ve gone before I did anything with her and kept her as a friend…

It’s all stupid and I wish I had a manual but that’s impossible….

When I find myself depressed I still think of me laying with u and I feel safe…

I know if I got to know u way more…

I could’ve loved you

Yes I was “ in love” but like as in “crushing hard on you” where my tummy gave me butterflies everything im around u….

I just wanna be in your arms again….

I even miss your natural scent I don’t know what it is but it’s YOU

You see right through me when I’m hugging you and I miss you not letting go til I do…

This sucks… I’m sorry

I hope I do see you again…. And everything isn’t so hectic …

[6lost6but6trying]

Jan 25. 2024

You know…

I had a dream about you

Well multiple

Never knew why exactly

They were all so random

Either you were a friend and hanging out with our friends

Or it was a one on one type dream👀

Dont ask

These would be the most randomest ones

It felt so wrong dreaming it while on her bed in the morning

I be walking on eggshells hopeing i NEVER speak in my dream or else imma have to lie and i dont want to

Ill feel like shit

I keep those dreams to myself

I just know if u ask me now about them

As youre reading these

I would probably have forgotten

They were not important if i forgotten it

If it was feeling important, i may remember it

May have written it down here

But i just know each time u come up

And i wake

I just miss you

I never wake up happy as i am in the dreams

I go on with my day as i do

Honestly

I have no idea wtf im doing

Ever since i got back from Puerto Rico, iv been mentally on airplane mode

So out of it

Our trip was good tho just us two both on airplane mode

Got sick together after doing an egg cleanse on eachother

That shit scared me

The egg she did on me BROKE and it was at my feet and not even 2 inches from the ground and it BROKE

We did it on our own and opened it separately

And each got 3 skulls in a cup… hers was worse

I tend to believe that my exbest friend and exgf are behind this because if we didnt have hexes, that shit wouldve been CLEAN

I feel like our relationship has been rocky due to them doing it to us…

Jess is soooo MAD about us together she im sure 100% said something to Angel and they did this. I know them two too damn well…

Dated jess for almost 5 yrs knew what she would think about before she said it & knew angel for 9 yrs

I blame them but also any actions i have taken that came off wrong…

Im just going with the flow ya know

Wherever it will lead

Im sure its some place

And if it drives me back to you

Hopefully its better

It just means u and i were not ment to be the last time

Wrong time

But

Right person

[6lost6but6trying]

December 25. 2023

Dear Tiara,

Its been a while since iv done these but im going to try to write like my sappy old self used to….

I know i told you that i missed you

I miss you in the most innocent way possible

Yes we may be perverts and had a big of a “intense” physical attraction….remember “ SELF CONTROL” x3

But besides that…

I miss you when i dont see you

I miss you when i dont hear you

I miss your gentle touch when you held me, played with my hand and my hair…

It made me feel safe

The way i said my mind goes blank when im not stressing and feel safe, is how i have felt when iv been with you

All eyes on you

Youve gotten my full focus

Even when i talk to you on apex, my mind is with you and my heart is happy

This is probably why shes saying my heart isnt with her 100%

Im sorry this year was a total mess with this

I wish i could change it but at the same time i dont because it wouldnt have helped us realize stuff we know now

No matter if we have kissed and stuff like that…

I know youre flip flopping on if you should give me another chance as a friend….

Just know working on that friendship again im all in for

After you telling me about attachment styles…

It made me visualize how you and i can work on our own attachments even if we are not together…

And still be in contact..

Please again dont think i never cared about our friendship….

I really did i was just in a mess and didnt know what to do

I used to be so much better at relationships back then

Then i fell in a deep black hell hole and didnt know what to do anymore

Marco knows im not the happiest without you…

But he just goes with the flow of how i go…

He and Natalie are on your side now

They thought i was in the best relationship and now they changed their minds…

Im starting to as well…

I feel like i stay because of the good days…theres been more good days than bad but when bad comes around…its BAD bad…

We never attack the problem,

We attacked eachother…

I may have made a mistake but not really because its helping me realize things…

I just know i miss you

I miss your hugs

I miss your high fives

I miss you calling me “little shit”

And mind you when you say that… my little inner self gets all giggly and happy each time, i have no idea why but he does🙈

I miss when you challenge me to figure things out with puzzles

I miss you always talking shit about how you beat me on mortal kombat

I miss you beating me on beatsaber and calling me trash even tho you dont mean it in a bad way

The way you say it, your movement and such, nobody else says it like you and it just makes me smile and i dont even get mad…

I miss you making us dinner

I miss eating and talking with you

I miss our therapy session at home and apex even tho we didnt have to have them but we do and it helps me get to know you and the way u think better…

I miss your laughter

I miss your face

I miss our interactions in general

Im so sorry we got us into this mess

But i sure miss you alot….

A part of me still wishes we couldve worked out

A part of me when marco said to do it with you and i said no…i actually wouldnt have minded helping you experience it but a part of me wants to be more than just a toy for you to try stuff on…

But a major part of me still wants to work it out with you as a friend way more than anything and if things form and we grow wiser and more aware of things we want and being with eachother is still a want… then my heart will be yours… i believe deep down i never given Someone my heart yet…more like i did at some point but she showed a true color and i took it back…. My puppy self is still looking back at you from outside that glass window you have provided

I just realized

When things were happening with us 3, she had a door open so easily for me while you just had a window open and a door locked…

A part of me just wants to put a ladder on that window, climb up and go in and feel the safety feeling and knock the ladder down so theres no going back. The wide open door she gave me seemed too easy and not secured….

Im sorry for everything & i offer you my friendship and whatever else….

I do care about you alot…

Again im so sorry 😞

Will you forgive me?

Hug for yes

No hug for no

The choice is yours my tiara 💕 👑

~Love: Your old work husband 💍

[6lost6but6trying]

Lets couldnt down the reactions or sayings starting today (christmas 2023) from you….

1. Christmas eve: i find out my sister is going to be a mother and i get so excited and happy that im going to have a niece or nephew….I tell you…. You say “ Congrats lol” and i tell u that even tho her and i relationship isnt the best but i still love her and that shes the first sister i got and i get a “ Thats cool lol” ….. 🤨 Gee thanks for being happy for me…

2. (Christmas day 25. 2023) I asked you to ask ur mom to bring Tamales for me and u said you would bring us some… then u asked about mexican hot chocolate and if we wants some and i kinda declined and said no thank you….

You insulted my culture drink by saying “ what? You dont want our mexican drink? Its better than Coquito”

Look that was rude, you dont do that, i never did that when i had some of your home made hot chocolate, i tried it but then i realized i wasnt a fan but yet i drank what i was given and no more. Didnt say a peep. NOW you say u wont bring anything for us…. Wow ok be petty

[6lost6but6trying]

We shouldve never played apex in the first place after those 3/4 months of not talking…..

We shouldve said no to him to play because we knew we were gonna end up chatting away

Yes we had fun during the games

But we shouldve have done that to avoid hurting eachother and becoming distant again

Im sorry we had to do this again

I hated letting go the first time and i hated letting go again this time

I missed your voice

I missed your jokes

I missed you in general

But i know we cant do anything at all like talking and i hate it but i guess thats how it should be

Im just glad we handled it a bit more calm

Last time was a mess and would never wish it on you again

When u said u missed me and were going to miss me when u said goodbye killed me…

Im so sorry

Its going to kill me a little but i hope i can do better this coming year and learn my worth that if she goes against it and such… im standing my ground and setting boundries…

And if things dont go well. Ill leave and ill definitely see you again, not to get another try at dating but to be friends and work up on that because of how u will be feeling….

I have a feeling its not a goodbye…but a see you later

PS….we still need to rematch in mortal kombat and beat u plus i still need to dance the songs i added to beat saber 🥲 i wanna beat u there too 😅 its my ultimate goal!

[6lost6but6trying]

In the middle

August 13, 2023

I had to choose for the better

August 3-5

The hardest days that didnt have to happen but they did

They were really well needed for me to realize and learn to choose whats best for me

Her

Or

Her

Which one?

I liked one alot since January

I liked one since late June and form to love her a month later romantically

But i formed a fear

A fear of losing both

August 3-5th

Scary days but well needed

The one that nurtures me and accepts me for me making me laugh and happy

Or

The one that makes my heart race in a happy way, the one that makes me weak to my knees because im lovesick?

Id do anything for both

But

One pushed me towards the other

While the other pushed me back to her

Im stuck in between

My heart throws a tantrum being forced to choose

My best friend

Or

My crush?

As i was stuck between the two

I needed time with the crush to talk for a few hours…

I realized she thought it over that my best friend was the right choice for me anyways

It was the push i needed from her again in order to help me leave

Even tho i didnt want the push

I wish they both were ok with eachother

Maybe it couldve worked

She took responsibility and apologized

I hugged her august 3rd just like Bri did to me back then and thats how i was reminded that she would destroy me….

For the first time ever she cracked

For the first time ever she cried in my arms

For the first time ever i hear over my shoulder

“I just want you to be happy”

“And i know its with her”

I agreed but it still hurt when i wanted her for so long yet choose not to for the best for me

She knew i would destroy myself for her because ill get lovesick again and get worse…

My best friend keep me calm and focused on where i need to be and makes me happy

I love my best friend

The words from my crush repeat over and over

“Shes a good person”

“You need her”

“Shes something i will never be”

“She makes u happier”

“She cares for you”

“Please do yourself a favor and go talk to her right now and erase every connection we have“

“Thank you for your friendship”

“You were the loyalest work husband and i appreciate it, ill hold that dearly”

“Please go to her, be with her”

“I have work to do on myself so i can be who i want to be without letting fear control me“

“I care about you but im not this selfish “

I dont think those words will ever fade out….

[6lost6but6trying]

5/10/23

*Everyone hugging and saying bye*

Me: Youre leaving me for 2 weeks imma cry *goes to hug her*

Friend: Pick her up

Me: *Hugs her again and pick her up*

Her: whooa wait 😅 i wasnt ready for thaaaat

Friend: no fully by the legs too

Her: whoawhoa no no not that way u know im scared of height…

Me: ok, you can try and face for your fears for 1 mins if you can trust me…. look at me…*looks at each other*. Do you trust me?

Her: uhmm y-yeah yes i do but go slow

Me: Ok on the count to 3….1…2…3 *Picks her up*

Her: *screams and holds tight* OMG YOOO HAHA DONT FUCKING DROP ME PLZ

Me: i wont i promise, Look at me *looks at me* i promise

Her: *looks away* ok 🥹

holding on tight*

Me: imma put u down now…*puts her down and doesnt let go until she can stand straight on her own

Her: Omg im shaking bruuh

Me: See? You can trust me…😇

Her: now i know. Im happy im on the ground tho 😮‍💨

Me: haha ok we gotta go, have a good trip! 🫶🏼

( I really didnt wanna let you go… )

[6lost6but6trying]

2/24/23

Me:Here prepare this for your wife

Him: She said youre jealous

Me: me? For what? I dont want you wtf

Him: 👀 yeah ok

Me: i dont lol

Him: *gives her the food* here you go wifey

Her: awww thank you

Me:Yeah i let ur husband prepare it for you

Her: See you jealous?

Me: 😅whyy am i jealous for? I have my own gf 🤣

Him: its cuz u told her “ i saw him first”

Me: bruuhh i tell that to everyone as a joke

Her: hahaha ok sure

Him: she wants me

Me to her: nah u can have him, i aint interested in his cocky ass, its annoying. I love him but its annoying

Her: OOOHH���🤣

*Me in my head as i watch her walk away* i am jealous but its not him i want….😕

[6lost6but6trying]

[6lost6but6trying]

“Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say.”

— Mitch Albom, Have a Little Faith

[6lost6but6trying]

“I want to leave, I’ll probably stay another year. It’s hard to leave when absolutely nothing’s clear.”

— Lana Del Rey

[6lost6but6trying]

I cant help but think we are close to our breaking point and breaking up but i really dont wanna do it

I love her and will miss our silly moments and stuff

But i wont miss those days we fight or we disagree too much or her attitude…

I dont like the eye roll when she gets annoyed when i ask her to repeat herself. Like im sorry but im deaf… i cant help that.

Learn to sign or type up stuff and sent to me without an attitude or else

Its over cuz i cant deal with it

[6lost6but6trying]

(Oct. 2, 2022 @ 4:18am)

Everything is ok…

Everything is alright….

At least i hope so…

All the sudden im not

I was but then not anymore

Im fucking up….

Please help…

Im crying…

I feel like dying

But not entirely…

Would you punch me in the face?

I wanna bruise my face til im swollen

I wanted to hit myself again

My mind went to bleeding…

I was thinking about it…

Real bad…

This isn’t good

I twitched as if i was an addict…

Thats my sign of relapsing…

My thighs feel warm…

Im getting that feeling that they wanna bleed…

I shake it off but its still there…

Someone please tie my hands til im asleep…

I don’t feel safe to myself…

A razor sound interesting right now… the distraction from it is addicting…

Help me

Im hiding my puffy face from her so she don’t see my tears…

She calls me and im finally in bed safe…

I hope im not in danger to myself and that i never relapse…

Still scared of myself…

[6lost6but6trying]

Am i poly? Or am i just open to the idea of having a open relationship?

Im always questioning because i do wanna stay with my gf because i feel like we are one and the same and we connect in a way i never connected with another, we think alike and have same ideas for the future , but sometimes i find myself also crushing on 1 other person and falling out of it just to later on crush on another but ill always know my boundry, no flirting, to touching in a flirty way, friends only, normal friend chats, and keeping distance…

[6lost6but6trying]

She gets some type of way when i showed up in my spiderman costume…

I catch her blush, smile & acts as if she hates me in it and tries to stay away then i showed her a picture of a cool spiderman art & told her ill find someone to make me it so i can wear it & she looked like she was blushing unless i am misreading all this

Shes cute when she smiles and is happy tho

Some thing better help me see a flaw or a believe she has that i dont like so this crush ends because shes starting to make me nervous when alone

[6lost6but6trying]

First things first….

I question myself a lot and idk why.

Im confused

Sometimes i feel lost and don’t get why

My normal life rant, relationships, friends, etc lives here….

My future is so blurry due to being pushed and not knowing what i want

Hopefully writing shit here helps