6stems

[6stems]

what does it mean

i thought i could handle stress well. turns out i can, but i just cannot handle anticipation well. maybe, i am trying too hard to frame my "stress" in a positive way, but i am more than sure, that it is in fact, anticipation.

i am anticipating a new opportunity. i am attempting to change careers and i am at the very last part of that journey, let's say. i anticipate that i will do well, but i can't help but think of the negative what-ifs. which is so annoying because why can't i just think of the positive what-ifs? what if i get the opportunity? what if the negotiations go well? what if i meet new people? what if i make new friends? what if i am able to make a difference because of the work i do? what if i love it? what if it inspires me to pursue new passions? what if i come across new motivations? what if i discover a new part of myself? what if i learn how to communicate better? what if i grow exponentially? what if everything works out? just you wait.

[6stems]

alcoholism

the title is a joke, but i truly understand. when your brain is a place of depravity and your life is spiralling into shit, a friend, in this case, my sister (<3) and a good drink is revolutionary. in fact, it is so revolutionary that i am rethinking my coping mechanisms. hello, short-term pleasures that make you feel wack half a day later. i will not be led into temptation, but i may have a taste every now and then, thanks.

[6stems]

fallen tree from a water sampling site in my fourth year.

[6stems]

emergence

i lied and stayed home to do nothing in particular. but i was doing you a favour, really. i did perform the bare minimum, though, such as washing my face, and eating breakfast and lunch, although the former was just coffee and multiple mini kitkats. so, i am stagnant and volatile at the same time. i wish one contradiction had enough strength to take hold of me and run far away. but it has to lift me from my roots, and i don't see them right now. they always get lost when i start to lose my purpose. i know i am being quite dramatic right now, but i do not know what i am supposed to be doing. but it is not all so bad, because last week the groundhog declared an early spring. so, i told my mom, and she expressed distaste. obviously, she does not like the idea of a thing, one of god's creations, declaring something god supposedly dictates. but i like the idea of the groundhog, presumably all-seeing. later that day, i found out that the groundhog was not even really good at this prediction game. did you know that they have only guessed right 30 to 40% of the time? so, what i am trying to say is that it really is ok. sometimes, you guess right and sometimes you do not. the guessing depends on the circumstances surrounding you at that given moment, and also, perhaps past memories? however, i am not sure if groundhogs retain that sort of information. but the idea of emerging (or not) depends on whatever information they understand about hibernation, i believe. so i think they can physically feel if the breeze feels strangely warm or too cold. that's what i am doing right now—deciding. but maybe this groundhog will declare four more weeks of winter. you'll have to stick around and see.

[6stems]

a note from my previous manager.

[6stems]

[6stems]

'tis past the season <3

it is february and i have already received my third rejection of the year. the second one was from a far-fetched place, so i do not particularly care. the third one felt possible; it just did not work out. but the first one—the first one—was a rejection of oneself.