8u88le-th0ughts

[8u88le-th0ughts]

Bro its been over a fucking year and I still can't let go. And not in the sense of "I need them in my life" but in the sense "how come they could stay friends and live their lives but I'm stuck in the fucking past and can't even make a single goddamn friend outside of my sister"

I guess I can't move on because I'm positive I will never have friends like that again, I will never truly love someone like that again, even if that relationship was horrible on both ends. I doubt I'll ever be accepted by anyone else. I'm so annoying, I regret all of my decisions, I'm so tired, I can't do anything right, I'm stupid, nothing makes sense in my head, and I just am not pleasant to be around

I'm so tired. I just want to stop thinking. I am so so tired

[8u88le-th0ughts]

I really miss having friends. But I am so terrified of getting close to anyone again.

Like, I have a childhood friend but he lives in the city and living up his life and we talk only occasionally (and about to be deployed to the Middle East so um yeah). And I have an acquaintance from college but we only send tiktoks to one another, and the other people I met we really don't talk at all but like watch each other's Instagram stories. I appreciate them, I really do. But it's not the same as having a best friend, or a friend group.

Well, I don't think I really deserve those anyways so I probably shouldn't be complaining lol. But being alone sucks. Ugh, its been like a fucking year and I can't even make one real friend. I'm so pathetic. Even my dad told me he was proud of me in college not for my As, but because I told him I ate lunch with someone. Image having your parent get excited that you made a friend, like how a parent acts after their kids first day of kindergarten. His fear for me when I started college was not that I would get burn out, fall behind, get stabbed- no, it was that I wouldn't talk to people or make friends. My father's biggest fear was that I would be alone in college because "I've never been able to make friends in the past." I'm sorry to disappoint you, dad. But I did try! But I'm really not friend material.

But here's to next semester! But boy, I'm getting tired of crying when I watch an anime that has such close friends in it because I wonder how it feels to have that, or see those tiktoks saying the best activities to do with friends because damn, I get it XD I'm lonely, don't need to keep telling me. Though it does show me what a healthy friendship is, you know? Like, giving me something to strive for oddly enough, even if it makes me horrible sad lol

But tis is life, and I shall work on my flaws to hopefully in the future deem myself worthy of friends again. Just learning that you were never a good friend and trying to overcome that and learn from the past makes it hard to like find new people? Even though the whole point is to find new people and try again because you know now what your faults are and can do and be better. Like that's the whole point right?? And yet I'm here still not getting the memo and staying sad? Bitch

Okay, time to stop this whole pity parade and just go to sleep. I just needed to somehow type my thoughts out cause I was starting to feel that big sad coming on and we ain't doing that tonight because I'm learning how to cope with my depression and medication makes it easier to let the thoughts go! Whoo, go me! Getting better is a bitch, but just like finding new friends, it will get easier if I work at it :)

(I love how I started this out really sad and depressed and then worked my way into feeling better and giving myself encouragement. Like okay bitch, work that healthy attitude. Work that letting you feel emotions but not dwelling. Show that bi polar depression whose boss)

[8u88le-th0ughts]

I really need to just stop looking cause like all it does is hurt me, ya know. Like damn. I'm not a masochist so why am I doing this to myself lol

[8u88le-th0ughts]

There really is a difference between saying "an old friend" and "an ex friend"

And when two people say both rather than one or the other, what does that mean? Is the one saying old friend moved on and focusing on the good memories, or are they just deluded in thinking they weren't terrible and that the relationship had both highs and pitfalls? Is the one saying ex friend recognizing that the relationship was unhealthy and that the person should be avoided, or are they clinging to hatred and a grudge and ignoring the fact that maybe they too were a reason for the relationship to be terrible and unhealthy?

Is it the fact that these two both say different things just show how unstable the friendship was?

Its amazing how the same events can be viewed and effect people so differently.

[8u88le-th0ughts]

I don't really remember what it's like to have friends anymore. I assume it's like talking to my sister, doing random things and laughing until our sides hurt. But I've forgotten what that's like with someone else. I'm always overthinking or worried I'm being annoying and I talk way too much and no one like someone who dances and sings randomly and badly and why would someone want to be friends with me and god everytime I open my mouth everyone thinks I'm stupid.

I forgotten what its felt like to be comfortable around someone. Maybe I've never felt it before, and maybe I never will.

[8u88le-th0ughts]

Slightly confused but telling myself that in someone's story I am the villain and that I can't change how someone views me, but ignoring someone when they say they wanted to kill themselves is not something I've ever done, nor did I ever make it about myself when somebody did say that. I know I have flaws, but that is the one thing that made me believe I was a good friend and person; I cared so much and would listen and try my best to help even if I couldn't always say the right things.

Though oddly enough, I remember saying I made an attempt to end my life and somehow we ended up on their side of story and with me holding them and somehow it just never got mentioned again. That is something I remember vividly. Or how they never notice my scars or my unhealthy habits or allowed me to spend all night talking without feeling like my depression was stupid.

But I oddly enough don't view this person as a villain, nor as a bad person. We just did work out, you know. That happens. Sure, some aspects really hurt me and I'm sure them as well, but nothing I can do about that now. Besides, they made it very clear they didn't want me talking to them ever again so I shall move on and make the memories out to be something of an old friend, creating a crazy journey that was mainly off road and rough, but a journey nonetheless. Hope they end up having a good life and feel happy.

I guess I was just hopeful that they didn't hate me or view me in some terrible light, just that we both weren't great together and were unstable people. I know that they hate me and probably do see me as a toxic, selfish person. It hurts because I don't view them in that way, you know? I think they're a great person, just not great for me. But gotta accept that they don't see me as a great, or even good, person. Just gotta remember as best as I can what I did wrong and just try my best, and I guess now that I'm bipolar and crazy helps a little lol

[8u88le-th0ughts]

Its funny hearing about someone getting upset about no one caring or noticing their self harm, both old scars and new. Yet they never cared to notice mine

[8u88le-th0ughts]

Just got diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder and I cried :)

[8u88le-th0ughts]

I am so lonely

[8u88le-th0ughts]

You know what we love? We love finally putting yourself first and making a hard decision and ending something that really wasn't right for you because you're finally ready to work on your own happiness because you really weren't happy in the situation that you were in, only to be spammed with the other person just passive aggressively calling you out on social media in several posts and making you seem like a horrible bitch who doesn't want to try and having all their friends gang up on you in the comments and making suicide jokes for the purpose of guilt tripping you like all the dms they have been sending at 2am

I'm tired of being manipulated. Why does he have to make me feel like a terrible person? I know he's hurt and confused and doesn't want this, but I talked with him in person. For 4 hours I sat with him and told him everything I felt. I explained my reasoning, our problems, my confusion, my need to work on myself. I didn't just leave, I told him we could be friends after a few weeks of moving on, that he was a good guy and I was doing this because I needed to. I was finally trying to do what is best for me. I didn't expect him to be happy or to move on in a week or month, but I hoped to have him respect my decision and keep our relationship problems private. I never expected to see posts on Instagram saying "you know who you are and what you've done." I never expected to see suicidal jokes, or be told everyday that he felt empty, angry, can't eat or sleep. To be spammed with questions everyday, to wake up to "let's talk" or "i have another thing to ask because I don't understand" or "you don't want this." To have him show up at my house at 8 in the morning, come into my room while I'm sleeping, and not even let me wake up or get dressed before he's on my bed trying to get me to change my mind.

This was my decision, and when I finally try and do what's best for me and put my emotions first, I get guilt tripped into almost going back into a relationship I didn't want to be in.

I don't want to be firends with him anymore. I don't want to talk with him anymore. I don't want to see him, or hear him, or look at him. Because he tried to manipulate me. He didn't respect my want for space. He showed up at my house without permission and is now posting about me on insta. Call me out by name, sweetheart, and delete the pictures you have of me on your account. If I was unsure of my decision to break up before, I'm certain now that I made the right decision.

[8u88le-th0ughts]

“How could I let you break my heart twice?”

—

h.f.p. (Things I Won’t Say 23)

@thisfountainpen

[8u88le-th0ughts]

“Thinking of you is a poison I drink often.”

— A t t i c u s

[8u88le-th0ughts]

I feel terrible, I'm a terrible person for what I did, and I deserve this pain I feel. If I just ended it in high school i wouldn't be going through this right now

[8u88le-th0ughts]

I'm really confused right now. Everything feels wrong, I don't know if I'm making good decisions, and I can't even tell if what I'm feeling is real or if I'm so numb I'm making emotions up. I don't mean to talk so strangly here, not that I have any followers, but I have no other way to talk. I'm honestly scared, anxious, afraid of tomorrow. I wish I knew myself better, but I'm learning that I never even knew who I was. And that in and of itself is terrifying.

I wish I could freeze time and just work things out, but I can't. God, I hate this

[8u88le-th0ughts]

I think I'm gonna commit to something, and it's eating me alive just thinking about it. I don't know if I'm making a good decision or not, I don't even know how I feel about it. Do I care or not? Am I in love or not? Am I relieved or heartbroken? Am I going to be happy or will this turn out horribly?

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so scared. But I need to do something because it's killing me slowly being where I am now.

[8u88le-th0ughts]

Feel quite horrible tonight. Let's try and sleep it off

[8u88le-th0ughts]

Hey, um, can I have a friend please?