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[a-womans-open-eyes]

Teaching about Sex

I figured to start that I would talk about one of my own experiences to encourage others to share.

My mother never gave me the birds and the bees talk. I knew about sex long before I should have. For context, my mom was a single mom; she had my brother when she was 18 and me when she was 20. For as long as I can remember, my mom had different men around the house and had zero intention of hiding them and/or her sex life in front of her young children. Looking back now as a 19-year-old, I realize how she was putting me in situations as a young girl to be sexually assaulted. I do not believe she ever wanted me to be sexually assaulted; however, she took no precautions bringing strange men into our house or ensuring I was watched when she would have men over. My mother had completely desensitized me to sex before I was five years old. I thought it was expected to lay in bed with many men.

The first time I remember being sexually assaulted was a blur. I was five years old. My mom was at a party (which was a frequent occurrence), and my uncle (who always gave me attention and asked about my interests) was at the party. I had requested to stay the night at his house. I asked. She drunkenly agreed and told me I had to return home tomorrow afternoon. I excitedly got in his jeep and went home with him, where he lived alone. He made me food, but after I told him I was hungry, We lay in his bed together, and he turned his TV on. I was already tired from the day and ready to go to bed. We lay there separate, and he put porn on his TV—not a sexual movie or show—porn. I watched it with him for a while, confused. I remember nothing else after that. I pray I fell asleep, and it was all a misunderstanding.

The second time I was sexually assaulted was when my older cousin showed me how to be older like her. She was seven. She was teaching me how to masturbate and how two people are supposed to “do it.” We had a trundle bed and begged her mom to push the bed to block the closet so we would have a fort when we pulled the lower bed out. She then used that fort to show me everything she had been learning from her much older step-brother. I remember my aunt questioning why my pants were on backward after playing in our shared room. I do not remember how I responded, but I was scared I would get in trouble. She was always mean to me when we played in front of others, but every time she took me to our fort, she was nice. I opened up to her in our fort about how my uncle had watched porn in front of me and how I was intimidated. She immediately left our fort and told me to her mom. I felt so betrayed. Everyone was finally asking me questions, but not the ones I wanted. They asked me if I was raped or if he touched me, and I never knew what to say every time I was asked. No one ever asked me if I was getting touched by a girl, and I knew I was, but they were only worried about the men.

It is hard to open up about how I was assaulted because I have blocked out the first one from my memory. However, a man in bed with a young girl watching porn can have no good intentions. The second one feels not bad enough to be considered assault because she was a child who was also being assaulted and never meant to bring me harm. I realized when I was 18 that my assaults were real and not okay. I am still close to my cousin. We have spoken many times about our shared traumas, and she apologized for her part in mine.

I had access to the internet at a young age and frequently looked at porn. I fried my view on sex before I was ten years old. I felt unreal. Seeing my mother with many men and pornstars with many men, I thought one day I, too, would have to be with many men. I never thought being with one person was a possibility.

My mom was always in and out of my life, and I was raised by family members who she would take me away from to feel like a better mother. She took my imagination away and never let me stay places I felt safe and seen as a child. Yet, one day, she picked me up from school with a man in the driver's seat in the third grade. I was excited to ride in a convertible for the first time. I felt on top of the world. That man never left my life, and since then, there has been a permanent weight I carry. We hung out that day, and we went to a hotel when evening came. It was a two-bed room, and my two brothers and I slept on one bed, and my mom and that man slept on the other. It was 9:00pm when my brothers were asleep beside me, and my mom was having sex in the bed three feet away from us. I was always hesitant about the men she brought around, and it gave me too much anxiety to sleep.

He had an 18-month-old daughter whom I became the caretaker of, and I loved her as my own. She called me mom, and I was scared she would see me as I saw my mom. So, I praised everything she did and never left her side. Her bed was right beside my mom's and that man’s. If she were forced to sleep there, I would go with her and sleep beside her. They never stopped having sex with us in the room.

When I reached the 6th grade, we lived in a two-bedroom house with two bunkbeds in one room for the five children who stayed there. We were not there frequently, but when we were, it was hell. The man was power-hungry and did not like people to think down on him while his children would live with others. That man had been my stepdad for a year when we stayed there. I would watch him beat our dog with various cords, and then my mom would have loud sex the same night with us in the next room. I always cried. He would joke that we could hear it and were probably crying. He joked about it when I learned to cry silently. I was trying so hard to protect my two younger sisters from my mother and their father. It was not fair to them. Now, every time I hear loud sex, I get angry and disgusted.

When COVID hit the U.S., and the quarantine begin, we first heard the ugly truth. My mom had married a sex offender, but she justified it by saying the acusser was his age at the time and she took it back when he was released.

I was in the 11th grade when I heard the absolute truth. My step-father had raped a 3-year-old girl when he was 17, and he had admitted the assault. My mother brought a registered sex offender in the life of her young daughter. My mother lied again, but it was the final straw this time. I got a lawyer after I turned 17 and left the house they kept me in. I tried so hard to stay for my little sisters—who I raised—until I could not anymore. I was in survival mode for so long; protecting them was more challenging than staying alive. It has been three years since I left that house, and the weight of leaving has never gotten lighter. I do all I can from the outside but cannot undo what has been done.

I am married now. I have a roommate, and I guarantee she has never heard my husband and I have sex. I am 19 and can make sure sex is private.

Not properly teaching about sex is worse than an uncomfortable conversation. Teach your children the proper names for their genitals. Teach them no one should be naked in front of them, and they should not be naked in front of anyone else. To be comfortable with their bodies, but some body parts are meant to be private. Never have sex in the same room as your child—you never know if they are awake or when they could wake up. Never put your kinks/pleasure above protecting your children from knowing too much about sex too young.

[a-womans-open-eyes]

Story about Sexism in Church

This story is about a woman who realized how deeply sexism was rooted in her church. She had always heard stories and knew sexism was real, but this was something that stuck with her, and she was able to see it firsthand.

Background:

A 40-year-old woman lost her husband 3 years ago. Before her husband got sick and passed away, they were on the verge of divorce, and he had moved out of their family home. They had two boys together, who are currently 19 and 16. Cheating between the husband and wife occurred from both sides; the husband had been addicted to painkillers (unsure if he was still addicted at the time of separation). They met when she was 17, and he was 39 – he was a preacher (and married) when he was warned about her trying to break up the marriage of a preacher before him. Once she turned 18, he divorced his wife, left his children (16F & 19F), and ran off with her—later getting married.

After her husband’s death, life was hard for her. She had been left with a load of financial trouble, two children, and funeral costs. She worked two jobs and slept her time away when she was home. She had been going to church and trying to get closer to God when a new preacher arrived with a great attitude and even better sermons. The church had never been more active and alive than with this new preacher who brought up attendance and love. The preacher had been married to his wife for 20+ years and had a daughter who was also 19. He had no financial struggle, a loving wife, and a great daughter. As the leading woman in this story got more involved in church, her support group grew, especially her relationship with the preacher and his wife.

Her crush on the preacher was apparent, and her son’s friends often teased them for having a mom who was attracted to their preacher. Her eldest son excused her absence for wanting to grow her relationship with the Lord. She openly flirted with the preacher; his flirty, silly, loving personality encouraged it. Her flirting persists, and people became increasingly uncomfortable with their relationship. Her children had been encouraging her to get out there and get a boyfriend with their full permission. They had even tried to set her up with a policeman around her age.

A separate church member privately spoke to the preacher and informed him that other church members talked about how they were uncomfortable with the flirting and their relationship. He decided it was best to step back and not communicate with her as frequently. The Woman did not and continued the flirting. After a week or so, the preacher’s wife got a phone call that her brother passed away in a fatal car accident. The Woman, a medical professional, decided to go to the hospital and comfort the preacher and his wife with their grief. Her son (knowing people in the church were uncomfortable with the relationship their mother and the preacher shared) warned her not to go to the hospital, but she insisted and went anyway.

A couple of weeks pass, and the wife decides to ask her preacher to cut off all communication with the Woman. He promises her and later calls and messages the Woman in private. The Woman is very close with the wife and her child. They often go to events together, and the wife never shows the Woman anything but grace and empathy—knowing everything the Woman is going through. The wife’s daughter and the Woman’s son were close friends and sang together in church.

After a church trip in the mountains with their youth group, to which the preacher’s family and the Woman’s family attend, it was decided that both parties would take another step back.

At a Wednesday evening service, the preacher stands in front of the church with his wife and reads aloud a letter. He spoke about how he had an affair with Jenny (who was sitting in the pews) and how he would like to resign from the church as a preacher. As he cried beside his wife, she spoke about forgiving him. The church decides to reject his resignation and vote later on what action would be best. In contrast, Jenny was kicked out of the church and asked not to return.

Her children learned from their family what had happened as they were discouraged from attending church that Wednesday evening. Her eldest son had sat her down a week prior, asking about her relationship with Stan (the preacher). She denied any relationship beyond a friend existed. When he found out, he went to her again, where she admitted that they had an emotional affair and that she and Stan loved each other deeply. She denied that any sexual relationship occurred during their two-year-long affair. However, she admitted that if the relationship had not been forced to end, she saw it leading to a sexual relationship.

The church will be voting soon about the decision to remove Stan from the church as a preacher.

This story—and the names have been altered—was sent in by a friend to show how sexism exists in the church. This is most of the story, but not the entire story. This story is made to be fact-based.

Jenny was vulnerable and taken advantage of by Stan, who craved the attention of a woman. Stan was the married man in this story and should have clear boundaries with women that are not his wife. Stan is a preacher and knows people come to him in vulnerable times. Jenny was immediately kicked out of the church for being a mistress, and the married man and preacher were not. Churches should hold their leaders/pastors to a higher standard, and this shows how being a man allows you to get away with what is wrong.

Note: I do not believe the woman in this story is innocent. Jenny is grown and knows better than to start a relationship with a married man and her preacher.

Would you vote for Stan to remain the preacher? Who is at fault here? What would you do as the wife? How would you respond to the children involved? What do you think? Thoughts, comments, or opinions?

[a-womans-open-eyes]

Welcome!

This blog will be focusing on seeing the world through the lense of a woman to better understand the hardship, compassion, and beauty of being a woman. All are welcome to share stories and ask questions! This is meant to be a safe space for women and a place to learn for others <3