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I hope this doctor is gunna listen to me, I'm so sick of feeling this way.

Not sure how much longer I can pretend to be OK.

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I’ve not finished the Dark Eyes 4 boxset yet but oh boy does the Time Controller have some issues. He gets exiled by the Dalek Empire and what’s the first thing he does?

Creates himself a """wife""" from his own cells (so technically he married himself and his own daughter?), and soldiers out of human artists he stole – or rather, ‘kids’. If you squint. It’s like he’s trying to emulate a domestic life, while simultaneously pushing himself as an entity that all his created beings should idolise, adore, and protect. There’s something quite Davros-like about that, which is funny because he has a very Davros-like voice, even more so than other daleks. Perhaps it's because it’s got a wider emotional range...

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Had this doodle sitting in my drafts for over a year now...

It's a scene from my fanfic, which explores how all kinds of messed up the daleks are. It's an AU set after Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks where the cult of skaro just barely survive. The majority of it is from Sec's POV- who had to lose the human DNA to survive, but he remembers.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You just did.”

“I mean something personal.”

“I do not understand.”

Without any explanation she continued on regardless, “…what was it like?”

“What was what like?”

“Growing up. What was it like being a child?”

A cold blankness spread through him. Caused a shiver so intense that the core of him went completely rigid. It had been so long. It had been so so long... He did not understand. Everything suddenly seemed so distant. All sensations. Gone. The signals that let him control his casing would not fire. All. Everything. Himself. Sealed inside a heavy, impenetrable, vault.

“You must have been one at some point… so what was that like?” Even her voice seemed so far away, but still he heard.

“Why do you ask?” he managed to spit out.

He heard her shrug. The same question, or many of its ilk, was on the cusp of being asked an infinite number of times. There was no escape.

“I... existed.”

“Were you ever happy?”

“No.”

“What about content?”

“No.”

“Sad?”

“There are no such things.”

“Is that because nobody ever spoke about it?”

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Y U C K

Am I the only one really disappointed by the series finalle? Actually... I'm so disappointed I'm almost disgusted. I was so looking forward to it too...

1. Why is Ncuti Gatwa leaving? I really want to see him in at least one more series, preferably facing off against the daleks. Didn't he say he'd be pissed if he never got to face them so... what's going on there?

2. I saw a rumour but I didn't want to believe it. But my nightmare happened! Billie Piper? No. Just no... whyyyyy. WHYYYY?! The thought of 'Rose' as the doctor makes me feel ill. And don't tell me that technically she isn't - RTD did this deliberately. He loves his Mary Sue. Can't leave her alone. Can someone please remove him as showrunner already? If Rosctor faces off against daleks while Ncuti never got his chance that'll be some serious BULLSHIT.

3. Where the fuck is Susan? WHERE IS SHE?! Carol Ann Ford is in her 80s for ffs RTD stop fucking with her time!

4. RTD is a troll. Trolling makes for piss poor writing. "The last time lord" -um... the Rani just escaped. The Master's out there somewhere cackling at us all. The Doctor's not the last Time Lord omg STOP.

Actually wishing a new writer would just reboot Doctor Who in a parallel universe where we follow the show right from the end of the film with Paul McGann. It would be interesting to see how the DW universe without the Time War stuff would pan out. Keep the diversity of the new show, but follow the format of the classic show with stories that span across multiple episodes.

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Ah chapter 18 keeps growing and growing...

Granted a good chunk of this is gunna be deleted, but so far it looks like I'm gunna have to split this one into at least two parts.

And heck why not add a little snippet:

“No,” he said.

The Doctor flinched. “No?”

“No.” he said again, this time firmer.

“...Why? You could feel so much... you could be so much more-”

To feel something again… Sec paused, mulling over his words. They mirrored Martha’s, but there was a subtly different intent. “Am I not enough for you, Doctor?”

“Don't- that's not what I meant, Sec...”

“Yes, you do. You despise me,” he said bluntly. The Doctor gaped, and even Sec could tell he was hurt and offended; a reaction he had not intended to provoke. So, he attempted to soften his approach and purred, “I know you try not to but you cannot stop yourself.”

“I only want what’s best for you.”

“But I do not. I want what is best for my Daleks.”

“Change is better for them. And you. You said so yourself- it was your idea to humanise yourself, wasn’t it?”

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Davros has reached a new level of evil: he didn't install pockets in the dalek travel machine.

For shame!

DOCTOR WHO Eve of the Daleks

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Skaro - Home world of the dalek race

Doctor Who | 09x01+02

The Magician’s Apprentice & The Witch’s Familiar

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Didn't really want to, but due to the recent scrape on Ao3 I've decided to turn all my fics private to try and help prevent this happening again. Though it won't be foolproof, obviously. Point is, I did not consent to anything I post anywhere online being used to train AI, and I never will. But some exemplary shite of a human being did just that and all but the more recent public fics on Ao3 are subject to this horseshit.

And as much as I'd love to join the dogpile of 'Do Nots' it's not even obvious where to go to remove yourself from these damn datasets (if you know, please tell me), and apparently the same detestable piece of shite keeps uploading that dataset to other sites so have fun keeping track of where to throw your requests to be removed. What a fucking clown.

It especially sucks though, since dalek fans are so niche, and getting any kind of attention is so rare and wonderful. They're not all that popular really, and I can understand why. Even if I'm mostly writing my fics for myself, comments, kudos, and such can still be really motivating. I find it so ironic that most of the dalek-fans I've interacted with so far have proven to be some of the most kind, empathic, and accepting people out there. So, thank you for existing.

Anyways, if anyone happened to be following me through my Ao3 fics but have no Ao3 account then I have some invites left that means you won't have to wait to sign up. If you want one just ask.

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Me, browsing the wiki and coming across "zomites"...

Apparently if you assist the daleks killing these "intelligent insects" they'll let you live and leave? Imagine how awful these things must be for a dalek before it feels enough gratitude, or sense of a debt owed to let you leave Skaro unharmed?

Are these things the equivalent of giant mites or lice for the daleks? It's not like they can scratch themselves if they're bitten. (Seriously, imagine an itchy dalek!)

And considering that there's the Arkellis flower that roots in metal and then you have creatures like the magnedon with metallic exoskeletons it wouldn't surprise me if some life evolved to eat skarosian metals, or drink the blood of metallic creatures, etc. Like daleks.

Maybe they paint their casings, not just for weather protection and distinguishing rank, but also as a form of flea treatment?

Imagine entire squads having to be quarantined and repainted because of an outbreak of fleas zomites.

I've not read the comic or whatever story these zomites came from (I'm probably going to go hunting later/at some point) so I'm probably getting it well wrong and they're probably attacking their tech or power sources like a mynock from Star Wars, but now I so badly want there to be some kind of dalek-mite that's constantly evolving to get through their shields etc just to get some of that tasty radioactive dalek juice.

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Do you see my vision??

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I'm gonna miss tiktok

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Felt like drawing a scene from my fanfic's latest chapter.

It's an AU story/series where the Cult of Skaro just barely live through the end of Daleks in Manhattan. There's a few factors in Sec's survival, but in order to live, he had to have his body and genetics stripped back to his old 'pure' mutant self. But the whole ordeal has taken a toll on him both physically and mentally.

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Empire of death

welp. I liked it until the bit where they find Ruby's mother's name through the DNA database (lol - that evil prime minister's image is real floppy. sure forcing everyone to give dna samples is sus but is that it? it's not like we've had world leaders babble about how trigger happy they are with nuclear weapons. this guy doesn't seem that bad compared to what we deal with IRL).

Back on track though, as an adoptee I would have prefered they kept her mother's name an unknown. Or even if Ruby had reached out first and it turned out her birth mother didn't want to know her or something. Some realism would've been nice.

That exposition of Unit staff telling Ruby about her mother was so... stiff and uurgh disgustingly 'sweet' which is kinda puke-inducing, and a harmful stereotype in the long run. Ah yes, she knows her past and everything's great now. No it's not.

Also how insensitive it was for Ruby to call her birth mother her "real mother".

No. No. No. No. NO!

Carla is her real mother. They clearly did not research how adoptees talk about their relatives, biological or not.

I'd kinda gotten hopeful that perhaps they would do something good after 73 yards, but now I'm just really disappointed with Ruby's conclusion. The only good part about it is that her birth mother is so ordinary. But I'm mad Ruby called Louise her 'real' mum. That is not accurate. At all. She would have said 'Birth' mother. Honestly that one word particularly ruined it for me.

>:|

Plus teasing us with Susan isn't cool. Bring her back already!

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73 Yards

You know I really like this episode, for the most part - there's bits of it I wish had been slightly different - like I wish they'd spent more time focusing on the numbness following from Carla abandoning Ruby.

People might describe it as a horror but tbh it pretty accuratley shows what most social interactions feel like for someone who has relinquishment trauma. Just as you think you might connect with someone, or want to connect with somone - you end up finding a way to push them or yourself away.

Actually I think Ruby haunting herself is a pretty good metaphor for that behaviour.

Honestly a lot of this episode has been a little bit triggering...

I've also seen some confusion about how Ruby could so easily walk away from the Doctor and not freak out over his disappearance. Well... it's not at all weird to me. Adoption/relinquishment trauma does tend to leave you with the expectation that nobody is going to stick around, no matter how much they love you. You just sort of accept your fate - because you're used to accepting people 'not wanting you' since you were a child/baby (you never had a choice). If you're still confused about that, perhaps it's time to do some research on how relinquishment affects children and babies. (Although good luck finding it... not enough of it has been done).

Although I must admit after watching DW unleashed I'm not sure all this is actually something they were really trying to convey, despite how accurate it feels. At least not specific to to adoption/relinquishment trauma.

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Submitted by Anon

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This!

I'll mention this again - I'm still hoping we never find out who her birth parents are, or where the Doctor originally came from. That might seem unsatisfying for viewers but actually that's exactly what it's like to feel as a relinquished person. There is a lot of stuff about your past that can never be answered and quite frankly I kinda hope that feeling can be conveyed to an audience that mostly doesn't understand that. I'd much rather they keep showing Ruby's mother is supportive in her efforts to find out more about herself than Ruby actually finding the truth.

Edit: Except the use of "actual" parents... her actual parent will always be Carla Sunday.

i honestly want ruby to never find out who her birth mother is

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DW episode thoughts.

Hmm...

(some spoilers)

Not sure what to think of the new Doctor Who episodes so far.

I love the new Doctor and Ruby though - they seem like great characters. But I felt that the space babies thing was a bit... weird. Talking babies, with stiff cgi lips just don't cut it for me. Bit too uncanny valley to be likeable so I feel like that episode really flopped for me. And the Devils Chord felt a bit too constantly chaotic for me personally.

I liked the reference to Susan but... ooof I hope that means they'll bring her back this series in some form.

As an adoptee though I'm kinda hoping that they don't fuck up the resolution for Ruby's origin. So far I'm thinking the constant 'I am adopted' talk feels a bit forced. In fact I kinda wish they'd exposition that feeling though jokes. As in 'ohhh maybe I'm actually an alien', rather than the continuing vibe of 'I don't know x and this sucks'. Yeah. It does. But that's why you end up fantasising about your own origin. Ruby could be a Time Lord. She could be a princess. Heck she could be both! Or even a bloody dragon that was cursed to be born human! Although it's crap you don't know, it can be a fun coping mechanism to make shit up and I kinda would like to see that more. Another thing I'd like to see is Ruby looking at other people and comparing her looks to them; 'oh, that person has similar eyes, etc' - not in those words obviously, but a lot of adoptees and relinquished people do that. They seek out their genetic mirrors.

Actually I'm kinda hoping we never find out who her birth parents are, or where the Doctor originally came from. That might seem unsatisfying for viewers but actually that's exactly what it's like to feel as a relinquished person. There is a lot of stuff about your past that can never be answered and quite frankly I kinda hope that feeling can be conveyed to an audience that mostly doesn't understand that. I'd much rather they keep showing Ruby's mother is supportive in her efforts to find out more about herself than Ruby actually finding the truth.

In the Doctor's case especially. I think I prefer them as a mysterious entity - by revealing that they might not actually be a Time Lord, while it sucks that 60 years backstory has been practically discarded, it might be a good thing to add that mystery back to them.

So yeah. I'm hoping that both their origins always remain a mystery.