a-zjournal

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Journal entry 5

February 27th, 2025 (77 days remaining)

I think today was the best day thus far! My mood was great, I was fairly tired in the morning but not so much I couldn’t go to the gym. My workout was legs today, more hamstring and quad focused, while I didn’t do more than 3 exercises it was fairly good quality and then I didn’t recumbent biking for roughly 20 min. My legs are still fairly sore so tomorrow is definitely gonna be upper body.

I got ready for work at the gym and washed my hair for the first time at the gym, and it was honestly really nice!! I love the showers at my gym, they are amazing and the set up to get my makeup done and skincare is perfect, I’m definitely going to be making use of it more often before work!

I had a Starbucks sandwich for breakfast and my usual matcha latte to start the day, then for lunch I had my chicken and jollof rice. I won’t lie I’m very sick of jollof rice and chicken right now lol. Then I had lasagna for dinner at my aunts house in Kitchener, and had fennel tea and a Portuguese pastry for dessert. Maybe not the healthiest but very tasty. I’m aiming to get healthier with my diet next week than this week…baby steps.

I’m going to cut this entry a little short since I’m fairly tired but may update tomorrow with more details. See ya!

Signed, A-Z

[a-zjournal]

Journal Entry 4

February 26th 2025 (78 days remaining)

Today was a good day! I woke up early this time, contemplated going back to bed but ended up getting up anyways, I got a half decent workout in doing back and biceps, then did roughly 15-20 min on recumbent bike! Im surprised I actually convinced myself to go to the gym early morning, because I was very tempted to get the rest I do need, but then I figured I could make up for it tonight by sleeping earlier which is my plan. I also figure it’s better to get the workout done earlier in the day than later when my motivation could be shot.

My workout went fairly well, I did hyperextensions for the first time in a while and my back was not ready for it. It did somewhat discourage me seeing my upper body lost strength, but I should have figured as much. My lower body is the same if not stronger, which is normal, but I’m trying to balance it out. I can’t wait for warmer weather where I could wake up at 5 am and go for a run outside in the Sun instead of being on a treadmill and staring at the wall. It’s nice to wake up with the Sun instead of it always being dark outside too. Something about the Sun brightening the day makes it a bit better.

Using the gym showers is absolutely amazing and probably the biggest selling point for me to stay at the gym I go to. I showered, did my skincare routine and even put on makeup today, I brushed my teeth as well! I wore my new top I got on sale from winners and found it was quite comfy, although a bit bigger than I was happy with.

I treated myself to Starbucks as a bit of a reward and breakfast since I did finish my workout earlier than expected, then I went in to work early and got a lot of tasks done, finally got a project done I’ve been wanting to get off my plate and my workload is honestly easing up finally, so I’ve been offering to assist my teammates and making myself available to help where I can which I hope will make a good impression with management.

I ate my packed lunch and went shopping, I found a great new pair of work shoes on sale and was very happy I got to find a good bargain and shoes I can use for the next long while just for work! If anyone scuffs them they will meet the treads of my car tires though because I am not losing anymore pairs of shoes to scuffs and getting tossed around. I also tried on some dresses at winners and Marshall’s, I’ve been trying to find work dresses that are corporate level but also comfortable and fashionable. I hated all of them, and it made me pretty self conscious of how I look seeing me in the mirror, which was a bit of a trigger but I tried to brush it off and keep going.

I ended the day basically having my fiance over, watching a silly movie and winding down with my family. Bit of a vent, my pet peeve is when people talk during the movie and totally miss major plot points, just something about it really irks me. One of my loved ones has the habit of doing it and it’s tested my patience a lot to sit there and tolerate it in front of my fiance because I’ve found it distracting from the movie and getting immersed with the characters and story. But that’s just me I guess.

My diet was pretty okay, I had Starbucks for breakfast, matcha latte and a bacon and egg sandwich, then my packed lunch of chicken breast and jollof rice, finally shrimp and spaghetti at home. I definitely had more dessert than I should have, I had two ramekins of berry cobbler, and I have no excuses for it, I just love anything with berries so I was a sucker and paid the price for it. I really am hoping to stop eating so much desserts and sweets even homemade stuff, because it just makes me feel bad even if I know how it’s made and that the sugar has been reduced.

Overall my mood was pretty good, I was a little cranky in the morning given I only had a few hours of sleep but I’m hoping tonight with sleeping earlier I’ll be caught up on any sleep deprivation. Hoping tomorrow is just as good, I think my goals for tomorrow is to go to the gym, hobby hunt, get work done and try cleaning something. I’ve been putting off cleaning out the inside of my car, but I’m unsure I can do it tomorrow as we have plans after work. So I may aim for Friday to get it cleaned out. I do love cleaning it but I spend more time than I think I need to, doing it. Here’s to hoping things keep looking up mentally!

Signed, A-Z

[a-zjournal]

Journal Entry 3

February 25th, 2025 (79 days remaining)

Today was pretty good, but I don't want to jinx it! I felt a bit more irritable socially than normal with loved ones but overall it was a pretty good day.

While I didn't go to the gym in the morning, I did take my gym bag with me to work to go to the gym right after. The weather outside was great, and work went pretty well, I felt reasonably productive and got along well with my coworkers, I felt more sociable than I have in the past which is good.

After work, I dropped my car off for a friend, and my gym is about a 40 min walk (maybe 30 min run?) from where I had dropped it off, so I decided to honestly go for a jog, meet my fiance halfway then run the way together to the gym. Upside? I felt pretty good jogging, even with wet socks I didn't feel sorely out of shape! Downside? My fiance's back flared up pretty bad and we had to walk the rest of the way to the gym once we met up. I felt pretty bad for him, he's been advised to do more cardio to help with his medical concerns, but his back is a major inhibitor as it makes traditional methods of cardio very difficult (going for runs, as an example). I'm trying to get him to try elliptical, and maybe swimming would be low impact enough that he could get a good workout without breaking his back.

downside of gym today is I only did maybe two exercises? I gave it my all, it was leg day but I think cardio before lifting isn't the best idea, so maybe I'll save running and cardio for after lifting from now on so I can hone in on strength training. I saw a picture of me during gym time and immediately it killed my vibe, I don't know exactly why but seeing myself in photos is literally repulsive. I can look at a mirror decently enough and maybe not recoil at the sight but for some reason, seeing myself in a picture? no thanks. Especially when I'm relaxed. Ew.

I then came home, and took a shower, I did my skincare routine twice today, brushed my teeth twice and flossed once. Pretty good so far, I'm kinda weary that I will relapse somehow very badly by the end of the week but I'm trying to mentally fight that thought.

Diet wise, I think I was adequate, I packed my lunch, and had a matcha latte for breakfast. I did cheat a bit when I got home and had a bit of peanut butter and chocolate chips to satisfy a sweets craving, but then had a lot of food for dinner so I'm hoping it offsets.

As for finding my hobby, I feel like it was a hit and a miss at the same time. I tried playing some video games my fiance introduced me to, but then I got bored and defaulted to listening to music while pacing downstairs. It's oddly soothing, and maybe a little weird for any bystander. But whatever reduces the stress I guess. I'll try exploring more hobbies tomorrow I think. But I'm trying not to push myself too quick too fast, and hoping that pays off in the long run.

Here's to hoping tomorrow goes well too!

Signed, A-Z

[a-zjournal]

Journal entry 2

February 24th, 2025 (80 days remaining)

Already almost forgetting to journal before ending the day - you can tell we are off to a good start. Honestly, today wasn’t the worst “start of a new me” kinda day. I didn’t get to go to the gym in the morning - sleep deprivation for some weird reason, I literally just wanna sleep all day - but I did do my skincare routine, my toothbrushing routine 2x today and I even flossed! Once, but that still counts as a victory.

I went for my wedding dress alterations which was fun, but also discouraging because the whole time I’m supposed to be thinking how pretty I am, I’m fixated on all my flaws mentally even when I try to distract myself. So that was a bummer but the alteration person was such a sweetheart and tried encouraging me through it. I tried not to seem ungrateful, she was doing wonderful making the dress fit me, but at times I feel I don’t fit the dress - it’s too pretty to go on someone like me. That’s my negative thinking in full force I guess.

I took the day to honestly just rest, we did some basic shopping, I tried to eat better, and somewhat did - I had a matcha latte for breakfast, with 2 boiled egg whites - then I had my jollof rice I made yesterday, and cooked a pack of chicken breasts cubed and seasoned so I could meal prep for the rest of the week and get into the habit of eating healthier (and spending less eating out) we will see if this approach pays off since I had to also buy some hair products, dental hygiene products and deposit into alterations, setting a dent in my debit and credit account. Here’s to hoping I can get it all paid off soon. I did end up messing up my diet for the day with some scoops of mocha chocolate chip ice cream, it was homemade but still felt bad about eating it afterwards…so note to self not to eat anymore junk hopefully.

I spent time with my fiance, I actually got my father in law a little thoughtful gift, he’s started going to the gym to try it out just for some him time, and so I wrote him a card and got him a water bottle from winners just to be thoughtful, I think he liked it. Then I went home, played some games with my fiance and we did our reading together before closing off the night. He showed me a sneak peek of a wedding gift he got me, a personalized book of reasons why he loves me, which I thought was the sweetest thing in the world, so I can’t wait to see it when the day comes. I feel bad because I haven’t written my letter yet for the vinyl record I made for him…I’m gonna have to work on that soon. I wanted to add some cute photos too and memories, to make it extra thoughtful but we shall see..

I had an incident where I learned of something that I wasn’t sure whether it was about me or not, so I confronted the person kindly and they immediately apologized and I think it went well but I didn’t like how reactive and stressed I got immediately, I think I gave away that I was really anxious and I didn’t mean for that, it’s just my inherent reaction when I see something potentially negative, especially if it’s people I want to make a good impression and have a good relationship with. So I’m a bit disappointed in my reaction to that.

I’ve packed my gym bag for tomorrow, I’m hoping I can really hit the ground running tomorrow for the gym and actually get a good workout in…it’s been a while and I don’t want to lose a radical amount of weight…just enough to not hate what I see in the mirror? I don’t know for sure if I have body dysmorphia but it feels like the person I see in the mirror is very different from what others around me describe me as. And I wish I had glasses to see the real me and if I’m as pretty as they say or as ugly as I think I am.

I’m hoping that I can keep up the good routine and really fix things…I want to be better; not just for my fiance, but for me too. I do deserve better I think. But sometimes it’s hard to fight myself mentally to believe that for real. And mental fights are not my forte..

All in all, my mood was okay, I think I spent quite a bit today and I’m hoping that tomorrow gets better, I’m working in office tomorrow and then I’m gonna try picking up a hobby that will help my brain turn off - I’ll try reading, puzzles, word search, sudoku, just about anything. But that’s my plan for tomorrow…gym - work - find a hobby - maybe personal study.

That’s all for now, see you tomorrow!

Signed, A-Z

[a-zjournal]

Journal Entry 1

February 23rd, 2025 (81 days remaining)

I'm unsure how to start this, other than giving the disclaimer that this is my first time ever blogging or journaling for that matter. I'm not confident in my writing skills, or my communication style to be cohesive in what I'm saying on here, but I did figure that maybe blogging/journaling would be a good way to hold myself accountable and maybe even humor someone on the internet while I overshare my life a little bit.

The reason I'm trying to hold myself accountable now, instead of however long ago when I probably should have - I'm getting married. And I know, it's sad to start holding myself accountable now...but this is more so having to do with my mental health. Wedding planning SUCKS! It's not easy by any means, whoever told me it's a breeze, was lying or they just got married when buying a house cost you 4 eggs and a bag of flour.

My anxiety has been through the roof - along with my depression at times. There's been drama surrounding the wedding, and I don't think venting about it online is the smartest thing to do, but the least I can say is that, the maid of honor curse is real, and people's opinions are a lot harder to ignore than you think it is.

This is my attempt at figuring out what makes me tick, and how to rebuild better when I fall out of routine. It also might help me gauge my emotional triggers in the future and come up with ways to grow as a person. So I'll just start with what happened in day 1 and how I felt today, before logging off.

Day 1

It's Sunday, we had our meeting and honestly this morning I was exhausted. Lately, it's felt like no matter how much I slept, I still wanted more. And today was the exact same in the morning. I considered going to the gym but ultimately favored just basic self-care for the morning before getting ready for the day. I had a matcha latte in the morning and didn't really have a lunch, but I still felt bloated. I did my skin care routine, washed my hair and brushed my teeth 2x today, better than the past while in my depressive episode which is an accomplishment I guess.

I'm trying to get into the habit of eating healthier, eating out less, going to the gym 4-5x a week and all the self care stuff we see aestheticized on pinterest and on tumblr. So much harder to stay on track than I thought.

After the meeting from 1-3, I went to the grocery store and saw my fiance. We made plans to make dinner together at my house, then head to his place and hang out. I made jollof rice, he made chicken wings and fried plantains. All in all, the food was great! He tends to undercook or overcook, but his enthusiasm in the kitchen makes up for a little charcoal taste to the food.

We then went downstairs and caught up on solo levelling and watched a romantic anime I forgot the name of. All in all it was a very fun evening even though it was very chill.

I'd say my mood was good, I was a bit socially tired, but not too much to the point I couldn't spend time with my fiance and his family. My self esteem is still low and I'm struggling with the physical health aspect of taking care of myself, but I'm hoping to wake up early tomorrow and go to the gym for the first time in a while. Hoping it'll kickstart this journey in a good direction.

That's all for today, I'm off to facetime my fiance and do our daily bedtime routine of reading together. Stay tuned for day 2 if I don't forget!

Signed - A-Z