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On The Outside

January 21st 2017

I feel as if I have always been different from those around me. From a young age I was bullied for dressing more like a boy than a girl. After I came to acceptance of what I wear, or maybe became more self aware of how I dressed, I began to be bullied for the things I said. I have been told countless times “That’s stupid,” “Shut up,” “What the hell are you even talking about,” or the most common one “You’re weird.” What think is a young girl or myself now supposed to think when every time she speaks she is encouraged not to by those around her. I do not plan to speak to annoy others. I just say what is on my mind. I like to be honest and to express myself. Though now I fear to speak out or speak to others in fear of judgement. I am happy with who I am but continue to face the same sayings when I speak from multiple individuals. It makes me feel different . Yet, the same people tell me that they love who I am. Then why am I so weird to them? I always ask them why because I am curious, and many times they respond with because that is what makes you, you. What am I supposed to make of that? That I love you are but you are weird but don’t worry ya know it’s just you being you. To me it makes no sense at all. I am surrounded by people who make me feel loved but also make me feel I am far from what is considered “normal.” I have never felt like I fit in. Yes, I have friends but I have always felt on the outside of the inside. That I belonged within the group because of similar interests. I felt I didn’t belong because of who I was as a person. I like them as people and I enjoy spending time with them, but I still fell so different. And because of this I am lost in who I am. I find it difficult to socialize with those I don’t know in fear that the same comments will be placed upon me only making me feel more isolated from society than I already feel. I love myself but how do I look past all the comments to feel comfortable around others and truly accept their love for me? 

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Becoming a Selfish Old Soul

January 21st 2017

How do I live in a world surrounded by people, yet I feel so alone? I feel different from others for reasons I do not understand. My mother tells me I’m different from others my age. My friends make me feel different for what I say and what I do. Many have told me that I have an old soul. I interpret this is that I am lost in this generation. I am compassionate towards others and I give time to those I care about. Many people my age act selfishly and I admit I do the same, but it seems as it they have no regard for others. I believe that is why the older and younger generations do not get along. The older generation was taught to respect others especially their elders. They were taught to stay in line. The younger generation is encouraged and inspired to try new things. With this in mind they are reckless in a sense because to try new things is to push boundaries of those the older generation holds. The younger generation wants to experience life and get so caught in the dream sometimes they lose hold of the people around them. I have always been cautious of those around me. I observe others and watch for their reactions. I don’t like cause chaos upon other’s lives when it is for my own selfish deed. I try to take care of those around me. Not leave them behind to pursue my own in-devours. However, the act of caring for others is starting to take a toll. For I become so invested in other’s lives that when they leave I do not know what to do. So it is now time for me to grow and in a way become selfish. For I need to put my own needs before others. I need to stop waiting for others and I need to start moving forward for myself. Every decision I make I look at how it will effect others. I am not as impulsive as my younger generation to go forth and do as I please. (Not that all are like that). As much as I appreciate my unique differences I feel as though I must become selfish to help my well being and to not feel so alone. For if I keep waiting for those around me I cannot discover those who feel like me or those who i can learn and grow from. I need to start taking a stand for my own life and be selfish not to annoy others, but to better my life to succeed and follow my dreams.

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Hopefully Lost

October 7th 2016

For some reason it doesn’t feel like my past belongs to me. It feels like I live a new life. I wanted so badly to go to college and start new, but while leaving my old life behind I feel even more alone than I did before. I don’t know why I get these feelings all the time maybe because I feel I keep screwing up. I don’t know how to make friends and I’m sick of being alone...I don’t know what to do at the moment. I guess the only thing to do is remain hopeful in this huge and overwhelming transition.

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Music is something in which to lose oneself apart from others.

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I Just Wanted to Share

July 13th 2015 

So what if I fail if we don’t take risks we live a life surrounded and controlled by fear. I have felt sometimes I choose to live my life like this and it tortures me both physically and mentally. The pain and the darkness it is awful and I want to be free and rise above to seek something greater than those who chose to live with fear. To not take risks and to importantly not forgive. Forgiveness is one of the most important qualities to have. If that person betrayed or hurt you why would you dwindle on them, thinking about what they did and how it made you feel, when you can let go and make amends for yourself not necessarily with that person but for karma or any other force you believe exists in the world. Why hold on to something that made you feel less of yourself when you can spiritually in a mental perspective let go. You come out being the stronger and be the better person instead of letting their actions defeat you when they have no right to control your life any more. It allows you to grow to move on to a life not spent on fear or negativity; it gives you the ability to set them free from your life and for you to move on to a greater life the chance to continue to grow because we never truly stop learning and that is why we continue to live.

I can’t stop my dreams when I have no idea what lays out in the world or what it has to offer. So I can’t give in when others express doubt. It is not concern it is pity upon me for dreaming, for believing I can achieve what I set my mind to. To live my life the way I want. Yes, there will be failure but I can only grow from my mistakes. This may sound ignorant but I ignore advice given to me by those who firmly believe that since they are older they are wiser. For know one knows everything and they certainly don’t know what my future holds. Yet, they still take this slight advantage of age over me to influence my decisions and mindset. For I want to learn from my own experiences and if I am cautious of other things others tell me to avoid I develop a bubble where I am trapped by others words and thoughts instead of my own. Don’t take this out of proportion by saying that if they told you to avoid a crime widen area that I would proudly march down the street knowing that if anything happened to me it would be a “learning experience.” It is difficult for me to explain this notion but I wanted to state a sort of guideline to make my outlook/perspective a bit clearer. And not everyone has advice that I choose to ignore. Those I accept is the advice of someone who believes in me and wants to see my success no matter the decisions I make it is more a critic or advice not meaning to put me down but to inspire.

Emotions are meant to be felt. To be shared, to discover, to challenge, to inspire, or to change. Emotions are behind every decision we make it allows us to gain a better sense of who we are in this confusing mess of our universe. Emotions are powerful. Emotions can lead to new ideas or a new mindset. They are forever changing our lives. With others’ judgments running my life I do not experience life for myself. I instead live with the fear, doubt, and anxiety of others who choose to share their so called wisdom with me.

This may change as my life goes on but for right now I am in a place where I am about to embark into what I would call the real world. The place where I become independent and are embraced with opportunities instead of the requirements of physical education and math that is in a sense forced upon me instead of it being my choice. I do believe education is important but I am happy to have the ability to make my own choices on how I live my life that is not controlled by a bell that rings every 80 minutes. I feel trapped when I am at school like others are controlling what I do not by my actions but what I am overall doing in my life. Like when someone ask me what I do I would respond with I am a student but not proudly because I feel I do not get to choose what I want to study or learn like music management or how to operate a soundboard. That is why I feel trapped because I feel I haven’t really started my life yet.

I feel I have been surrounded by this darkness the inability to realize that with hard work my dreams could become a reality. When you think about it the only thing standing in your way is other people; others who are only less than 1% different from you and me. Yes, maybe they have created a successful platform for themselves but they started with a dream that they worked hard to achieve and if they can do it why can’t I. Why is there this sense of doubt, when it has been done by many before so aren’t I allowed to dream and believe it could be me? I guess this could be seen as me putting this into simple words of we are all humans why can’t we do what one another can do and that I don’t appreciate the difference that makes us each a unique individual (which I do appreciate but that is another perspective), but I feel you need to create motivation any way that works for you and I guess putting myself on an equal level as others it allows me believe I can achieve with dedication and hard work.

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Overthinking

October 2nd 2016

The odd thing is that as much as I care what others think I’m never going to change who I am. I’m not going to change to adapt to their standards...So I guess I want to know why it bothers me so much. Why intense anxiety comes upon me when I meet new people? I have never changed myself for others, so why do I care so much about what they think? Probably acceptance despite the fact that I been called pretty, beautiful, funny, caring, and nice but I have to prove to others I am that way. I also feel pressure to have a boyfriends, yet even with all those qualities...nothing. It makes me wonder why and puts more judgement upon myself from myself. I guess I want to feel wanted and know that I can be loved as me. I know I have family and friends who love me but sometimes I don’t believe them but then I do all at the same time. I guess in a relationship it is easier to express then through family and friends. For me actions speak louder than words.You can tell me that you love me over and over and I will slightly believe you till you shoe me. Maybe it is the fact that I can’t choose my family, my friends live other lives then just me, but there is one person in the world who wants and chooses to spend the life with me. I have always had trouble with judgement and OVERTHINK EVERYTHING. Sometimes I wish I could let it go and not think. To just let life take it’s course and if I meet someone I meet someone, but I let myself become so in wrapped in it--overthinking.

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Why?

October 1st 2016

Why do I feel like I have to live up to the pressures of what is expected in college? Why is it necessary to gain approval of others? Party every weekend of seem lame? Why does it matter? I don’t understand why this bothers me. I don’t understand why I need the approval of others or why I feel I need a boyfriends. I guess I want approval from others to approve of myself. I just feel really lost and alone. I don’t know how to act or what to do. Why k to can’t I be social or talk to people? Why should it matter what they think of me? I should just be happy being myself, but I am also lost as to who that is. Why can’t I just get it together? If only life was that simple. I feel like I can never get it together and I always mess up. Why can’t I just get rid of this stupid feeling of anxiety from what others think??? I just want to live my life and I just don’t know how.

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Somewhere In America

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3 Girls Perform ‘Somewhere In America’

3 girls went on national television and raised the bar for America. Fearless… (Via Get Lit - Words Ignite)

Posted by Omeleto on Thursday, January 7, 2016

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Waiting

Why do we have to have a tragedy in order for people to put aside differences and come together? Why can't we just always be there for one another for the good or the bad?

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