aaesthethiccc - Tumblr blog

aaesthethiccc · 2 years ago

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closing this account forever & deleting my tumblr app.

this was once my safe space & you are the only i let in here. it is because i trusted you. i know sometimes i used it to gaslight you to show you i have other people who care for me. well it is only because i wanted it to be you, not them. but this was my space to record and cherish my memories later in life too, which i will still create somewhere else.

i talked to vicious day before, and i felt good in knowing someone is there for u. last step for me to heal from this is also leaving this platform and removing everything forever.

it was a rocky start for you and me tirth. ngl in the starting when u told me u liked me i was weirded out cause we hardly knew each other ahah. but whenever i heard you laughin or even just talkin with you, i knew i felt different about you. and that only grew with time. i remember 6 months in, i never even learnt editing for my own stream highlights but i did so to make a video for u and that song i chose truly meant the words i felt. you might have liked me first, but i know in my heart i loved you more than you would ever realize. we spent so many days, so many nights together. i didnt want it all to be for nothing. i wanted at least meet you once & i had the money saved to meet u which i didnt wanna tell u till i booked my tickets.

i remember the first time i split with u, it was cause i caught your lie and u called me names. that time i knew i had to leave to protect my self respect. and the lying was something i hated. i could tell by the tone of ur voice or by the way u sounded. i remember this because on our last call i knew you sounded the same. your priorities have always been clear and i do not possess any patience for you to come around anymore. the most important week of the year for me, you chose to disappear. then even after i ignored it, you chose to still not be there for me. it wss your choice tirth. ik i would have been there for u if it was me on the other side.

i wasnt always the best to be around, i did my share of mistakes. i didnt know what it was like to love so deeply, and i didnt even realize you were never on the same page because with your words, you would always win me over. but yes those patterns repeated & i learnt a lot through them.

i still wish sometimes that our relationship was not this immature. i wish that we had a healthy relationship like i planned in the start. i wish we never lied to each other. i lied to you as well. i wasnt all innocent. when i needed your time, sometimes i made excuses. but i never lied to stay away from you, it was lil things like i really wanna tell u something after a boring day when there was nothing to share. ye i was a hopeless romantic, more hopeful and even more of a romantic ahahah. idk i never thought i could hold so much love for someone i never even met. it saddens me that i will never actually kiss you or be with you but this is the way its meant to be. i wish we took pauses in our fights, i wish i came to canada and we slept together ever night. i wish i got to feel the love i was feeling with you by my side.

throughout our journey i am sure i have hurt you, well i have felt the same hurt if not more. the hurt of being alone on my birthday. with everyone wishing me or sending me stuff but the man i love was ignoring me and playing cs. i wanted to believe your words when you came back. you told me you loved me but well it was confusing then and it is confusing now. how can someone love someone but not care for them? i think my love was very real towards you but yours was more of filling a void. i wish you fell in love with me like i fell in love with you.

i want you to know how deeply i have felt for you over these three years. and it hurts me the most to leave you & let you go even though this is not the ending i wanted. but sometimes the right decisions hurt. but they are the right ones.

i really enjoyed my time with you. most of it was me trying out new things for you. i wish you had gotten to see my excitement in things i enjoyed as well but sadly we could never find the perfect rhythm for the both of us which is okay. i hate that we fought so much, i wish we understood each other but i dont think so we are very different to do that. and yes when there is no effort put into communication and understanding then our boat will sink.

in our relationship, i learnt how much i could love a person. and trust me i have never felt this deeply about anyone. you were my heartworm. this is the reason tirth, i trusted your words completely, each time you told me you are ready to take responsibilities and grow and be with me, i trusted you completely. but those times when i didnt feel so secure, everything from our past always haunted me. all the unresolved issues, all the times you said we will talk and work through them but didnt. and the last day, it haunted me all at once again when you could so easily choose your friend when you could have waited just for two hours to go play with them. no matter if i was sleepy or no matter what i said, i just needed my person to be there for me on my big day.

i dont know if i will ever trust anyone again when they say they love me, i dont know how long it will take me to heal from this. but i know i cant start the next chapter of my life, re-reading this one. and i know in my heart that you arent ever going to love me or care for me or even be ready to move forward with yours. but i hope you do. i hope you find the strength to change. i hope you get off your ass and visit your family. we were going to meet this july you promised but we didnt. but i will pray that you meet your family this year instead. time goes by fast tirth. please dont let time pass you by. live. go live your life. find your passion again tirth. i know you can do it.

if you are hurting, i know you are alone there but dont go through it alone. call your family. time heals all wounds. i hope you surround yourself with good and positive energy. i send you my positive energy always even tho it wasnt always positive when i was with you always cribbing and crying over our past, but you can accept only good prayers from me for u.

i aint a victim of this relationship and you arent as well. so please dont focus on what has happened. cherish the good days and nights we spent together.

you remember the letter we were going to send in case something happens to one of us in the starting. well this is my letter to you. i know i am not with you now, and please dont try to be friends cause i am not like your exes, i cant be just friends with you or see u around without hurting. i tried but i guess i loved or just even love you so much. i dont know why despite you hurting me this much, i can never really hate you. but there is only so much hurt one can take. and sometimes it gets too much. it's unhealthy for both of us. i remember i use to get sick whenever i use to fight u, i never use to eat or sleep. i didnt play. my life would pause. i got control over myself but i still ended up with anxiety or panic attacks. there were many time i was so scared about my future, when i wasnt landing a job. when we decided to move back to india. things arent still great but they are better. i wish i could have been better in our relationship but please realise like you, i had my own problems. i have learnt to handle them better now. i also took my family to thailand recently. it was a trip i gifted them. and i am very proud of that.

i know this time when i called you, you got a panic attack, and seeing you like that, i felt the worst. i was talking all softly like it didnt affect me. i was numb for the longest time ngl. but it did affect me, especially cause i knew how it felt. this thing between us is very toxic.

i didn't want this to end. but it has to. i still dont know why you would go days without reaching out to me. each trip you go on, something happened to your phone, how am i to trust you. how am i to trust anything. i remember u dont even remember the important interviews, my flights or anything. you didn't remember or put any efforts to know what is going in my life. i dont think i have it in me to ever forget that. you werent the best boyfriend, i dont think so u even wanted to put that effort. why did you always get me back then? was this all a game to you? was i just something to use and throw. sometimes i wasnt even sure ur love was real, other times i thought you are living there alone, u are depressed and you dont know it, you need help and i wanted to do that. but how can i do that when i was hurting myself trying to be there for u. when things would be okay, suddenly u would stop even responding. i dont even know anymore and i dont want to. all was such a mental torture. i didnt have to always ask you to communicate. i always wanted more cause i didnt get even bare minimum for even 2 week continuously. i always had to tell you. i wanted someone who i didnt have to translate my entire soul to. someone who could just see through but for u i spoke it out loud and still was unheard. true love wants the best for the other person you know, i never felt that from your side. i didnt feel safe tirth. i wanted to feel safe with you but i didnt. i had so many doubts. i was so scared. i am feeling a lot of hurt writing this and have a really bad headache now so i will go sleep and rest. its like my head will burst out at any moment. the pain in my heart is too much to write any further but yes i will learn to forgive like always and i hope you get the strength to do the same. tbh it wont be tough for me to move on, i have done it before in jan and its not that without you i cant live. i am so content that i couldnt have done anything more, and i know for a fact that.. nevermind.. i just know, also i am happy on my own. i know i am the kind of person to even come and meet you after all this. i would have done it if i felt you meant your words. but i am not going to meet you. i am not going to salvage this relationship or even meet you as friends. i dont think you deserve it after everything you have put me through for your own selfishness and nothing else. enough is enough. i have had enough of this bs from you. i might sometimes feel pain but i am happy knowing i did everything i could have. i dont get my way of how i wanted this to end, you don't deserve a girl who would travel across the world to see your stupid face & stay with you against all odds. you, tirth, have lost me forever. thanks for the movies, shows & games. ig it would have never evolved to something greater than that.

anyway please go outside. please meet your family and your little niece. i wish they bring lots of joy into your world and it isnt dull anymore. i know as a kid, this isnt the future you probably planned for yourself, i hope you forgive urself. i hope u forget about the time wasted and focus on living every moment.

after this, if you feel like contacting me, dont. know that like before i will learn to be okay. i am at peace cause i know i did everything i could to be with you. i will never accept you in my life again because i will never ever trust your words tirth. i dont think you have got it in you to be with me or to love me wholeheartedly. u will always leave me or not communicate or do something that will hurt me cause u dont care enough to actually care for me. i know what i felt wasnt mutual. i am not a fool. i know i was just wasting time with you here tirth cause u will never man up with me. the way you acted, its cause you meant it. no external factors matter. and i know i wasnt ever asking for too much, i was asking the wrong person. cause i know i get happy with the smallest of things. i wont ever look back now, never see what you are doing and i mean it. i hope you can move past this and actually turn your life around. life is short tirth, live it. and go show some time to your family. it will really help you, i truly truly believe. each one of us in the world is experiencing life for the first time tirth. i hope you choose the right path and be the person you want to be.

i will always be somewhere heartbroken that this happened. like i said i always wanted to be with only one person, and i never doubted that for a sec before about it being you. but ik i cant be with someone ever who hurts me this much. sorry but i am out of chances & tries. i am tried of trying to communicate or translate my soul to you. all the goodluck to you. if you ever feel low, just look at the moon. you will feel the peace and calm i prayed for you. i cant imagine what kind of guy you have become honestly. you didnt even do efforts to meet your niece. i will pray that you are a better person one day.

remember: bad things happen not just to go through but to grow through.

take care & goodbye.

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