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abisexualdude · 1 year ago

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venting about... my whole life i suppose?

(05/07/2024 11:03pm - 06/07/2024 1:51am)

the reason why im here is because i am a person who spirals very easily. one thing slightly unpleasant happens and i get reminded of previous unpleasant events. and starting yesterday (04/07/2024), that has been happening again. this time instead of sleeping it away, i want to document the negative emotions im feeling so i can possibly figure out ways to rid them of me. this is going to be a little messy, im no writer myself, but i hope if future me sees this, he'll make use of the words im typing today.

let's start with family: i grew up christian, and still remember one time when i was at sunday school as a kid (6-7 yo i think), an older teacher there spent the lesson teaching us how homosexuality is evil/immoral, telling us how the gays go to hell blablabla. that became something i held onto because as a kid, you just do not question what you are told, and i ignored all the signs suggesting i could be anything other than straight. however teenage me, having my first ever phone and getting access to the internet, realized that i was bisexual. im not saying every christian ever is homophobic, but the church was the place where i've experienced homophobia for the first time in my life. as a result, i started despising the church more and more, eventually never going again near 15 yo. about a year after that and my grandmother passed away. she's been a devoted christian her whole life and one of the final moments i shared with her, she told me to never leave the embrace of god. when i told her that i was not straight, and it was hard for me to return to somewhere i can be shamed for being queer, she did not answer with hostility, but curiousness: "can boys love each other?" that's what she said to me at the time. the discussion eventually ended. i did not go back to church for even once after that. and to this day, i am still sorry for not fulfilling what my grandmother has wanted for me. one of the kindest souls ive ever met in my life, and yet i cannot fulfill her wish.

onto depression: and again, back when i was a kid, i was recognized as a 'talented student' (i kinda hate that words lol), getting good grades in primary definitely inflated my ego, which only made the fact that i couldnt keep up in secondary all the more heartbreaking, to myself and my parents. the secondary school i was in had this system of 'elite classes', basically you get good grades, have a top enough position among your peers and you're in an elite class for the next year, without really any practical difference from the 'normal classes'. me, having nice grades in primary, was in an elite class for the first year of secondary but immediately got dropped out in the next year coz of bad grades (dead last in the class). my father was furious coz of this and refused to talk to me for six months after that. the academic stress eventually led to depression, though i only found out through talking with the social worker at school + online self-diagnosis, which is... cringe idk a better word :p

the depression persisted throughout my secondary years. i was constantly struggling under local educational system, and i recall my class teacher saying to me that i'd perform better overseas, and though that was out of wanting better for me, i felt powerless because my family financially could not and was not willing to support me studying in a foreign country. fast forward a few years, big political stuff happened here, and many of my friends left the country with their family before the last year of secondary. im ok at socializing so i do have a bit of friends in my grade but my BEST friends that were in my class left, and a huge sense of being abandoned took over, especially when i thought we were going to be taking on the open examination (it determines whether you get admitted into uni or not, it's made a SUPER huge deal here. the 3 years of senior secondary school you're going to be constantly reminded and thinking of it non-stop) together. seeing how much they're happier abroad compared to when they were here (easier curriculum and healthier education system), and of course myself, i got jealous. i wanted to be abroad too. i was so sick of waking up having close to no sleep, fighting the urge to fall asleep in class instead of actually learning, trying to take notes of the teachers' words but failing, ending up writing gibberish while dreaming (just looked it up, it's called hypnagogic hallucinations? first time hearing that phrase lol) even though i only fell asleep for seconds. i especially remember a day at school when they were promoting mental health, showed us a microfilm about suicide and it just triggered something in me, i needed to take the light rail to get home after school, so there i was standing on the platform. as the train came close, i could hear my heart pounding, wondering if i should jump and end it all. i was not brave to do it at the end, but the image is forever burned into my brain. fast forward a few weeks and i overshared with the social worker like i always do, she called my parents and we all went to a mental health clinic and I finally got professionally diagnosed with depression.

months after that i took the open exam. had awful results so didn't get admitted into uni. i didnt know what to do at that point so i just rotted at home for days. my mom was the one who did all the research for me (i love my mom sm), attending talks about other potential degrees and that got me to stop sitting on my ass (mostly out of shame coz i didn't want my mom to have to worry about me instead of attending to her own work) and pursued an associate degree.

that's about it for academic stuff. onto my personal life: I love gaming, it is probably the only hobby that has stuck with me for my entire life. i tried badminton, table tennis, swimming, taekwondo, but i stopped doing those due to one reason or another. when I had my first actually functional pc at ~15 yo, i started playing online games on it and realized i didn't have stable internet connection and that has always messed with my mental because i'd lose coz the delay + lag spikes. things got even worse after we moved because now we're in more secluded spot, with worse internet reception. I wanted to stream myself gaming, but cannot do that consistently, given the circumstance. i also hang out with friends online through discord, we are really ALL over the world (NA, EU, etc. I am from Asia) but i am always the one lagging in games or in vc (i cant even screenshare consistently). these further pushes me into jealousy, how everyone can access the internet to their hearts' content and im stuck here, self-conscious about lagging.

and the part i'd least want to share: my sexuality. don't get me wrong, i am very proud for being bisexual/queer, but i am kinda hypersexual, which leads to me making hot-headed decisions when im interested in someone. as long as they do not show signs of wanting me to stop, i can be flirty with anyone who is friendly to me and i kinda hate that part about myself. i have not dated anyone in my life aside a brief online relationship, so i think im just desperate for a romantic partner.

(this paragraph is going to contain details that is borderline SA/r*pe, please skip ahead if you are not comfortable.) my first sexual interaction was when I was 17, I graduated high school, was working part-time at the time and decided to get a gay dating app. lied about being 18 and a guy messaged me asking if i'd like to chill at his place, i made sure to tell that i was not going to do anal with him (coz im a virgin and would have liked to hold my V card still), the guy agreed and me being naive, trusted him. when i was there the next day, we chatted and after some time he invited me onto his bed, and i ended up giving him a blowjob. he asked if he could put it in me 2-3 times and kept on asking after i denied him the previous time. when he finally asked the final time, i was too scared and gave in. he then did it to me without any form of protection. immediately after that hookup, i regret ever doing that and i was VERY VERY stupid to have done that. so whether you are straight or queer (especially if you're young), please do not trust strangers like i did, you can be taken advantage of too easily.

my second sexual interaction was with an online friend, i travelled abroad to meet him and we spent a week together. it was a very pleasant experience since he was so kind to me and took care of me in a lot of ways. i didn't expect to crush on him after i returned, but i did. and as i expected, he didn't return the same feelings. we remained friendly after that and i learnt that he's going to travel to another country to meet up with another person (basically what I did with him). months after he returned, i learnt that they are now dating. the thought that he's had sex with another person and him choosing them over me in both a sexual and romantic way makes me so jealous, which i realize is so so pathetic of me but i just can't help it. i suppose only time will heal.

ok this is going to be the last paragraph, but this is causing me more stress than negative emotion. now that I've finished pursuing my associate degree, I'll be starting a full-time job. and in November, i'll be applying for a work permit to canada. if it does get accepted in the future, i'll be working for a year there and apply for PR once i fulfill the requirements. i've told my parents about it. but this also means that i'll have to leave close to everyone in my life behind- my family, my friends, to go to a country I've never been to. it's going to be tough. i already know it. and i just don't know how well i'll be faring against the loneliness, knowing how insecure and unwell my mental can be. but i really hope to live in a place where i dont have to constantly look behind my back for words i type on the internet, or wearing a primarily black outfit in public. and also, be proud of my sexuality and be respected for who i am.

trying to untangle these emotions is hard because as i said, i spiral very easily and they get mixed into one big blob of negative emotions so i really have to think hard to recall each specific events. i hope if someone does see my vent, they do find my experience interesting/helpful/inspiring even?idk. but i was mainly doing this for me. like i said, to note down what is causing me to feel insecure and fragile so that i can hopefully feel better/forget all these in my future life.

#depression #bisexual #asian #vent post

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