abittooloudasusual

[abittooloudasusual]

shes turning my dreams against me my dreams which i hold on to just so i can get through everything she puts me through. there shouldnt be shame in wanting a life of peace. my dreams are all i have.ive lost my best friend and the love of my life. i think of him every day yet i  know i barely even cross his mind.He used to pick me up after something like this. it wasnt mine alone to work past. it is now.i managed before him and ill keep doing that. i wont share this burden with my next partner. all this pain is mine. the sad thing is my strength omes from endurance. it comes from picking myself up after everything my mother does to me. i am still here. never the same as i was but i am here . i am here.i am here!

[abittooloudasusual]

bitter

what does he care if i get laid . he doest even want me. i cry most nights for him i love him more than he has ever loved me i love with my whole heart and to him im just a five minute conversation he would barely have time for. ill sit here and cry my heart out while hes completely fine. ill take every minute of his voice i can get like a starved puppy . as angry as i am at him i still want him more than nything.id still run to him after all the little stabs to the heart. im pathetic that way

[abittooloudasusual]

Of course he finds little ways to break my heart into a million pieces.

I dont think ill date anyone seriously for a long time.

It feels like punishment it feels like he has too much power in his hands.i dont know how to take it back i dont want to love him it hurts me too much but i cant help myself. All the love i can give him is not enough. People can take his place in bed but not his place in my heart

[abittooloudasusual]

It breaks my heart that he wants this. This soace between us.my wretched heart wants him to feel the pain i do. Mourn me like i mourn him. But i know he doesnt. I know as sure as day that he doesnt .am i to believe the man loves me but finds it far too easy to not have me in his life. Its been a month and ive shagged someone to help me out of it but im not out of it. It was a good shag but thats noy what i want. I want him and i think i might end every post with those words. What if he forgets me.what if all the space im giving him makes a clear path for him to walk away from me. I will bring the world down with me if i have to .i dont care what happens i want him the world can burn as long as i have him.

[abittooloudasusual]

Hozier sings “The Parting Glass”

source: instagram

[abittooloudasusual]

He finally lost his patience with me. I broke a saint of a man. Its not an achievement. I have a fucked up relationship with sex when it coms to him. Im quite the addict i put my self worth on it. So when he rejected me that night i thought he had always been lying. That he stopped wanting me. Im not one for being jealous about that stuff but he was so excited for some other girl when he had just rejected me the night before. I dont care about sex ill be celibate all my life if it meant getting him back. I want him hes mine please somebody give him back to me .

[abittooloudasusual]

hes right

i have turned this into a talk about my relationship blog. i can talk to him about everything else but i cant complain to him about him. thats not how i work. i am just tired of being so unappreciated he says he loves me but he doesnt miss me. i tear up i get sad i show those emotions he seems perfectly fine. completely untouched by my absence . like i dont matter. he can keep his company to himself he can go nine months without talking to me im sure.i have my studying to keep me company books and writing are all i need anyway. he can have his shiny brand new life its not like he cares anyway i could be gone for days and he wouldnt notice me. 

[abittooloudasusual]

i havent been here in a while but im anxious now incredibly anxious i am going to be evicted in a year or two quite anxiety inducing if you ask me .i have no idea how to deal with that i have to be frugal with the money i have and what i could get possibly,i dont know. next semester is stressing me out.i took a difficult subject thinking i can do it but i cant and i might implode from all the fear thats in me but for now im sitting in front of this screen typing typing typing.my mother is a dangerous woman not just because of her violent tendancies but also because of the power she wields over me.if shes so abusive then just leave.things arent that simple. 

[abittooloudasusual]

your future self loves you. they will look through old photos of you with affection, not disgust, nor embarrassment. they wish they could tell you stories of your future, of how much you’ll change, of the people you’ll meet, of how you’ll eventually learn to accept yourself, then love yourself. they will read your diary entries and poems and favourite lyrics, heart aching, tears in their eyes. if only you knew...

your future self loves you. if only they could show you. they are living proof. you’ll turn out okay after all. they wish they were there to console you, dance with you, and make you write it a hundred times: “I AM LOVED”. they will listen to playlists you made, just to experience you again. they will write you a letter - of forgiveness, longing, reassurance. you will never read it. but you will know.

[abittooloudasusual]

equal parts

i equal parts want to tear myself apart and fix every crack inside me. its strange. its very human to want to survive isnt it. so far ive been straddling that line in and out of apathy. 

[abittooloudasusual]

keep telling myself

i dont know how to convince myself completely . i know for the most part that this is wrong this is all wrong. right.its abusive to isolate someone and expect them to come crawling back to you. its abusive to hit your child and treat her so badly she has nightmares of you .yet i have to convince myself those things are true. shout it in my mind as they speak. you did this to yourself she says . i couldnt have done it to myself. i didnt harass my best friend i didnt please believe me somebody it wasnt me i dont even believe me if i wasnt so scared if i didnt speak about my sister  i dont know i cant stop crying thats all i know 

[abittooloudasusual]

thinking about werewolves and the concept of becoming a monster and discovering that something savage and uncontrollable exists within you and the potential that has to be a liberating narrative about growth and change and courage rather than a story about controlling and concealing it

[abittooloudasusual]

low key gender apathy

does it matter why do i stress myself over passing who cares what my gender is . boy or girl or something in between or neither. what about whatever you want .can that be a gender cause im pretty tired of trying to be fem and falling in my face with gracelessness. just be forget trying to be something just be whatever. im too fem to be a tomboy too rough around the edges to be fem. i just am whatever you want to perceive me as im not going to correct you. 

[abittooloudasusual]

prejudice

call me the queen of prejudice and assumptions which eventually get subverted. Because that i what i am . seriously, here are some things i assumed about guys as  partners 

1] low commitment 

2] not empathetic 

3] way too horny 

4] very image conscious 

5] wont have time for me 

all of which my previous and current partner have proven otherwise. hell im hornier than both of them combined. and I'm the one with empathy issues. see i thought a really emotionally fulfilling relationship where I'm understood as a person would most likely come out of a relationship with a woman, partly because i didn't have any friends who were guys . close friends. The two boys im close to now. Well theyre gems..

[abittooloudasusual]

We're too far gone Nothing I say will mean anything Just drink, fuck, dance right through disaster I don't wanna talk about it now

okay but why does this song sound like its sung for the alternate universe version of me where im  rich single and older. its got a few quintessentially sandy features

[abittooloudasusual]

boo hoo azi is so bad

[abittooloudasusual]

the shame of survival

i think of her a lot . she seems to  be covered in thorns in my mind . in my mind i have betrayed her beyond redemption i have hurt her in ways that cannot be fixed, i survived what ive done to her i feel less than most people less empathy less love .i am a creature that consumes that absorbs and uses to my hearts content. i have somehow convinced a good man to love me through some miracle. 

p.s the good man has left me