aboutelan-blog

[aboutelan-blog]

4/12/2018 Thursday  9:42 p.m.

I look at Germany #2 how I look at money, or at least that’s how I want to. Money in and of itself isn’t bad, but coveting money is. Wanting a relationship or even being in one isn’t bad, but coveting the idea of one, or not being able to let it go is.

 Once something has taken up root in my heart that isn’t God, it’ll poison me, choke the life out of me, and kill any future fruit. Anything not of God within me is a death sentence. I can’t be afraid to let it all go. If I let go of money, I trust God will take care of me. Same with my career. Why am I scared to let go of Germany #2? How do I healthily let go?

 If You’ve provided for me in every other aspect of my life, why wouldn’t you provide for me here? You would. I have to let go not knowing when that will happen, just simply trusting that it will.

 Is Germany #2 the one I’m supposed to let go of? I’ve never let go of a man before. I have to trust that letting him go isn’t of harm to me, but is to help grow me. Is he here because I’m supposed to let him go, and just like money, not worry if I ever get him back. You are testing me in this Dad. I cannot walk with you and Germany #2 at the same time. What do I do now?

  Sunday 4-15-18 (6 p.m. Church service).

 It’s impossible to please God without faith (Heb. 11). This is the second time You’ve brought this to my attention Dad. What’s the area in my life where I am lacking in faith?

 “Really good warriors make really bad warriors.” - Julian Lowe.

Proverbs 16:32. “Better a patient person than a warrior…”

1 Peter 4: 12-13  Don’t be surprised by the fiery ordeal that comes to test me.

 Rejoice in the problem, so I can rejoice in the promise.

 9:01 p.m. Rick Warren. “YouTube - Winning the hand you’ve dealt with”

 My identity, how I see myself is largely determined by what I think the most important people in my life think of me.

l  How do I think my dad (earthly) thinks of me?

l  How do I think my mom thinks of me?

l  I think my dad thinks I’m not good enough, therefore that’s the identity I’ve taken on with men.

I’m reframing the narrative and making God, my heavenly Dad, the most important influence in my life and He already sees me as enough; I won’t look to a man to fulfill that need. I won’t be a slave to a man, constantly serving him and his emotional needs waiting for him to tell me I’m good enough, in order to get that validation.

 I am already enough.

 God, can you help me to see this reality and live it?

 I don’t want Satan to hold Germany #2 over my head, so I’ll let him go. I choose You, Dad.

 I am going to have foibles and quirks and that’s OK. I keep trying to stop one character flaw and another one appears like a boat with many leaks. Who am I kidding. I can’t be perfect, and its exhausting thinking I can be, I’m condemning myself, making myself miserable and condemning others, making them miserable. The reality is I can only do the best I can and if God accepts that so do I.

“When you think a thought, it doesn’t have to be true to hurt you. You just have to believe it.” - Rick Warren.

 Everyone feels awkward when starting new connections, welcome to the human race!!!

FEELING AWKWARD WON’T KILL ME!!!

 *Love has no fear because it is not about me.

 Dad, You’re letting me experience/ work through my fears of men by trying them, testing them on You:

 I’m scared to trust men and I’m facing that fear by trusting You.

 I’m scared to be vulnerable with/connect with men, but I’m facing that fear by deepening my connection with You.

 I don’t need my earthly dad to teach me these things in order to have a healthy relationship. I just need You.

 Thank You for letting me use You as the figure to face my fears on. You’re letting me use You to overcome my fears. That is the MOST GENEROUS THING anyone has ever done. THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU.

[aboutelan-blog]

Saturday 3-31-18 (waiting for a friend in Macy’s - a parking lot)

Things I want to write about in detail, but will have to wait until later when I have time:

 1) What does it mean to be a good wife?

What does the bible consider a good wife?

 2) How can I support GERMANY #2?

 3) It’s OK to complain to God in prayers.

It’s never OK to complain about God.

- When lamenting in prayers, remember this:

 Complain

Appeal to God (God, you are good and kind)

Remind God what he has promised me.

Express trust in God. God, I may not understand what You’re doing, but I trust You.

 4) Thank God every day for what I will receive. Thank You God for the husband who’s looking for me, who’s on the way.

 5) What are the expectations I have for a husband?

 6) If I can’t trust myself, I’m keeping myself enslaved. I can trust myself. God trust me.

 Ask what is my true intention behind serving someone:

A) Is it to please God?

OR

B) Is it to get someone to like me?

 If it’s the latter, then I’m only living a self-serving life.

Psalms 119:45

 “The gap between the real me and the fake me on social media is called stress.” - Rick Warren.

 Fear always locks people out of your life. Who have I locked out of my life out of fear?

- Don’t be afraid of the co-worker who spoke to me harshly.

 Antidote to Fear:

- God is always looking out for me. His love is always with me.

- God has a good plan for me and my life.

 It’s easy to trust when I have something in front of me (i.e., money). Can I continue to trust without seeing, believing in the unseen, trusting in the unseen.

 “Sin wages war on the soul.” – Pastor Julian Lowe.

 If I’m not doing things God’s way, am I really the one causing the war?

 The size of my problems, can’t compare to the size of my God.

 “The enemy wants to remind you, you’re in pain. The Holy Spirit wants to remind you, you’re in His presence” -Oasis.

 The biggest battle I will win is the one I won’t have to fight. - Oasis.

 “God wants me to show up, the enemy wants me to give up”. - Julian Lowe.

 If I run, we can’t win. I have to show up and take my position, and only then can God give me the victory.

 “War begins with worship���. - Oasis.

 “The greatest gift a man can have is fatherhood.” - Julian Lowe

 Fears:

- Being Penniless

- Fasting

- Script is going to suck (Pride vs Fear)

- I won’t have anymore more breakthroughs.

- I’ll only have a false sense of peace.

- I won’t be able to trust God if I’m praying to Him about my worries.

 I feel so vulnerable, right now.

[aboutelan-blog]

3-30-2018

I feel most alone and although I’m peaceful, I still don’t know what to do.

 How do I manage certain friendships? Do I continue to pray about Germany #2? What do I do Dad in Heaven?

 Here’s what I’m torn about:

l  Rick Warren says to constantly pray about our worries.

l  We’re also not to be worried about anything.

l  We pray about what we truly need constantly, to show God this isn’t a passing whim and that it’s something we’re serious about.

 If we’ve truly surrendered something to God, why keep praying about it? Won’t it perpetuate needless worry?

 For example, do I continue to pray for a relationship with Germany #2? It’s something my heart really desires.

 Or

 A) Is this my old obsessive nature creeping up. Meaning, am I clinging to hope where there is none? To answer this I will have to do some soul searching.

 B) Do I surrender this to God, let him handle it, trust that he’s working on it, and not pray about it daily, because, I know He’s already working on it.

  I guess in essence I don’t know what to do. Do You want me to keep praying to You about Germany #2. Will that become an unhealthy obsession like the past or do You want me to just let You work and trust that You’ll bring me a husband?

 I want to do the latter. I can’t trust my feelings on peace. The only thing I can trust is that You reward based on the godly intentions behind the actions. And I am certainly trying.

 I don’t want to pray for Germany #2 every day, not because I’m not serious about him, but because:

 1) It invites my old nature to revisit. I don’t want to be stuck in the wilderness when the Promised Land is right here.

 2) I want to trust You and that’s something I’ve never done before. I want to pray and surrender this to You, knowing that Your will, will be done.

 Dad, I don’t know what’s going to happen with the student from Azuza Pacific University and the money; I don’t know what’s going to happen with Germany #2; I don’t know what’s going to happen with the co-worker who spoke harshly to me. All I know is that I’m going to make mistakes, and I will need You to be here. I’m trying my best; can you help me to realize what my best is?

 Concerns:

 1) The student from Azuza Pacific is not going on a legitimate missions trip.

 2) An emergency will come up and I won’t have the money.

 3) In order to be blessed financially from You, God, I’ll be put through more stress after stress, after stress.

 4) I don’t want to ask to test You financially, because I just want to trust You.

 I just want to be able to trust You. And what does trusting You look like? Will there be more pain and stress? Will I ever have a moment of rest? I feel like I’ve been fighting my whole life and it makes me scared to think I can go another decade or two and know that I could still be suffering. It seems like I go from one pain point to another.

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 1) I pray for the co-worker who spoke harshly to me, that whatever pain she’s going through she confronts it in a way that is pleasing to You Dad. I pray that within her You establish a center of unshakable peace. That You use her pain as the ammunition to create something beautiful and to bring purpose to a place that may need light and restoration. Use me in this relationship however You see fit. You are my employer and if you want me to walk away I will, if You want me to stay I will. Whatever You desire, Your will shall be done, I will make it my will to do.

 2) I pray for L.B. and that through this relationship with her boyfriend, she’s exposed to life lessons that bring her closer to You. Show her what it’s like to have a real relationship, one based on honor, respect, consistency, and love. One based on Your values, because that’s the only foundations that matters.

 I just want to do everything right for once, because I’ve been doing everything wrong for too long.

 Just like labor pains, the intensity increases on the cusp of the baby breaking through.

 Things that are going right that the Devil doesn’t like:

1) I’m praying constantly. He wants me to stop this.

 2) I got greedy with Bitcoin. I let Bitcoin become the lord of my life. I was obsessed with checking it daily. I thought I could double my money and I got greedy. I failed that test and this is a test, with the student from Azusa Pacific University, to show that money can’t be everything to me. Dad, I’m going to trust You to provide for me even without this large safety net of money. Money shouldn’t be my safety net, You should be. I’m loosening my grip on materialism, and trusting you instead.

 3) I don’t trust the co-worker who spoke harshly to me. What is a gracious way I can pull out of this friendship? We always hang out in group settings that I don’t want to go to if she’s going to be there. But I don’t want people to think I’m not hanging out with them anymore  because of my depression. Is there a way out that You can recommend? What does that way out look like? Not following the values of the world. Choosing friends wisely.

 4) How can I develop a deeper relationship with Germany #2 that’s built on mutual trust? I ask this of You because I know You care and there’s always a way. I give You my word that I will not put him ahead of You. I will keep him in his rightly place as your creation. I trust You to reveal this to me in time and I trust me in fulfilling this promise to You. If it’s the only promise I keep: Putting You first.

5) One more thing I need You to know Dad: I’m really trying my best. I want to show to You I’m changing, so I can make it out of the desert this time and into the Promised Land. I don’t want to be stuck here, not aligned with you for a moment longer. I’m ready to not live in the pain I’ve caused myself. Pain from Satan and my self-destruction. I need help with this trap. Do not let me breathe another moment without You.

 The law of faith exceeds the law of logic.

 Help me to know when peace is coming from You. I felt at peace when I sent that text and I was totally in the wrong. How will I know when I am holy at peace? I pray for that discernment. Help me to discern when I am totally out of Your will.

 Should I fast re: Germany #2 to show You that I’m serious? Will You not take me seriously otherwise? Or is this another example of me being extreme for men? You guide me with how I should handle Germany #2.

 I trust You because You are my Father in Heaven, my Dad. I have very little experience in this, so in this realm I give You complete reign. I don’t even want to make choices myself, because I’m scared I’ll choose wrong and I’ll be humiliated again. But I know it goes against your very being to choose for me, because our free will is Your act of love and You are love. So I will ask You this: the devil is tricky, can You help me to recognize Your voice without a shadow of a doubt, help me avoid any traps and temptations set up for me, and if I do fall into a trap, save me. I need You. I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m relying solely on You, because I trust You.

 Whatever story I tell myself is probably untrue. I have to learn not to listen to my imagination when it’s not serving me for writing.

 Prayers from Previous Page continued.

 3) I pray for ARW. He really likes LB. I don’t know if he’s the one for her. In fact, she would have to sacrifice a relationship with You to be with a non-believer -- look who’s talking! -- but I pray that he finds the antidote to the inner turmoil that’s afflicting him. The peace of heart knowing that what L.B. has, whatever that attraction is, he doesn’t need for his happiness.

Side note:

Are all of my friends mirrors of my insecurities?

Am I attracting friends that mirror what I’m most insecure about?

  4) I pray for Germany #2. This is my way of learning how to treat him like a brother. I personally want nothing in return from this. I pray for Germany #2 to find the voice he’s been looking for. It seems like he gets his meaning, his sense of purpose from his job. I don’t know why that is, but You do. Can You help give him a sense of purpose in You? Is that too bold of me to ask. I don’t know what vacancy he’s looking to fill with the distraction of work, but over time if You can help him to learn that there’s love, an endless supply of love on the other side of pain, he just has to flip the coin. There’s love and grace waiting for him. He did nothing wrong. He simply knew what he knew how to do in that moment. Whatever he wanted in this career, he felt like he didn’t have it before. Whatever he’s looking for, may he find You to refresh his soul, and give him what he needs. I can’t fix him. I’m broken myself. He is Your creation, and You are the only one who can mend his wounds. I ask You to help how You see fit because he needs it and I love You Dad. Can you help him because I care about him? Thank You in advance.

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 If I don’t get the recognition at work, I would still be happy. That’s what I want to learn Dad. Teach me when I’m ready.

[aboutelan-blog]

3-29-2018   Watching Pamela Ribbons speak

“Time becomes measured in my moments of opportunity.”

 Like having a kid, for better or worse, as a kid is growing, every 6 months they’re a different person. It’s the same with writing, every 6 months it evolves, but you’ll never be able to get to where you want without being where you are at now.

[aboutelan-blog]

March 26, 2018   9:55 a.m.

Faith is knowing that I have something, truly knowing, before I already have it (in my hands). I truly know and trust that is coming, whatever that something is. I can give away $500 because I know I already have it, not just know, but believe that I’ll have it again. And if I know God will give it to me again, then I already have it. It’s as if I never gave it away.

[aboutelan-blog]

3-23-18 10:09 p.m. (Long day after Mckee’s Seminar)

Three takeaways from church:

 Trust – Building: God wants me to trust Him. He is teaching me trust and building up my trust in men, by having me wait for my husband. God knows I have to trust his timing in order for this to happen.

 Forgiveness – Marriage: While waiting builds trust, I’m learning the power of forgiveness. As Pastor Rick Warren states, what makes a great marriage is the union of two great forgivers. I am learning how to forgive various people in my life, including my earthly dad, Tim.

 Building character: In this waiting room, God is building my character. He’s more interested in my character than my circumstances because my character is what I take to heaven.

 Thank You Dad for the character building, and I only trust that good things are in store from You. Amen.

[aboutelan-blog]

John 14:1-7

“Do not let your heart be troubled…”

 God, my Dad…my Dad in Heaven, is preparing the place for me. I don’t have to pursue what God has for me (i.e., men & fame). I only have to pursue God and He will take me there.

 Pursue God, not people or things. God has already gone ahead and prepared everything for me. He has prepared rest and restoration to me. He has already prepared my finances. He has already prepared my husband.

 “If you need something, the best person to ask is someone you know.” – Pastor Julian Lowe.

  Am I praying for blessings or am I praying to know God?                    Moses prayed to know God’s name.

 Is there anything I’m praying about that I’m valuing more than God? I’m valuing romantic relationships more than God. I may not have what I’m praying for but I have something better of infinite value – and that’s knowing God.

 “When we know who God is, our prayers change.” - Julian Lowe.

 I pray Dad that You help me to be myself tomorrow at lunch with Germany #2. That You move my heart to trust in me, because I trust in You. And I pray that You help me under my circumstance and learn from the people around me.

 I don’t want pain to put me in the path of pride. I want to learn from You. Thank You for Your graciousness. Help change me and become comfortable with rejection, comfortable with love inward - outward, and less prideful. Help me knock down these mountains so I can get to know You. Thank you Dad. I love You.

 Thank You Dad, please change my heart so that I can be confident around men. The more I have fear of men, the more I fear my dad, the more that fear itself and the men I fear, and the love and neediness of men I desire, becomes my idol. The more fear grows in my heart, the more men and the fear of men becomes my idol.

 The fear that men don’t love me becomes my idol. So I pray for confidence and Your love, so that I am confident around men and I no longer have to idolize their approval. I will know I only need Your love. Thank You lord. Thank You Jesus. Will I ever get better?

 We wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for love…if it weren’t for You.

 Give what I’m carrying to God. Help me see men as trusting. I know You love me too much to let me carry this distrust and warped perception of men and even of myself.

[aboutelan-blog]

3-18-2018  (Throughout the day, but after 5p.m.)

I’m scared. I’m scared of who I’ll become if I let go. If I surrender. If I surrender, will I lose control? Will I become maniacal like Satan? Cruel, twisted and dark? Who will I lean on? I don’t want to let go. If I surrender to light, will I lose who I am? Will I become a temple of kindness and peace forced only to live a life of even kilter? All of this worry and I don’t even know the “am” I’m fighting for. When I say I’m afraid to lose me I don’t even know who I am. Who am I to lose?

 Dad, heavenly father can You please suggest holy thoughts to me. I don’t want to let go because I would be angry. Anger to me looks like pain and death. How do You get angry Dad? Is anger a part of grief? If I’ve been bottling up my anger toward my earlthy dad, have I properly mourned? If I haven’t mourned, I haven’t grieved, I haven’t forgiven. I haven’t let go. And I don’t want to hang on to this pain anymore. Can you show me how to properly be angry, so I can become unstuck and a true temple of kindness.

 I don’t want to take my anger out on the co-worker who had harsh words for me. She hurt me how my mom used to hurt me. She hurt me because it felt like she wanted to control me. She wanted to use my pain against me to server her. I just want to be free from her control and figure out for myself how to live.

 Back to you Dad: How can I be appropriately angry? How can I turn anger into a healthy coping strategy? Right now all of my anger is directed inward and it’s keeping me from moving forward. Dad teach me how to be angry, so that I can heal. Teach me that it’s OK to be angry. Teach me that it’s OK for me not to consume it all or swallow. The damage I’m doing to myself mentally by holding it in isn’t OK.

 Suggest to me what to do because I don’t want to choose wrong. And Your guidance Dad in Heaven comes from goodness.

 When I choose, I choose from a place of me. I chose Germany #2 from a place of me and now I am in pain. I didn’t follow Your lead and now I am hurting. I read articles on how to give him a blowjob and a hand job on New Year’s Eve. No wonder why my own cunning only created a space of pain for me, out of Your disapproval and displeasure, and discipline.

 My own pain also pushed him away. I accept the responsibilities of my actions. I took the suggestion/temptation from Satan. That was on me. I didn’t listen, because I didn’t believe in You and Satan’s way seemed so much more promising. I was wrong and my decision caused me to be even more angry at myself. You forgive Dad. I’m sorry and you forgive me. Now I have to forgive myself. If I lost out on an opportunity with Germany #2 because of my own selfishness, because I wanted to focus on me, not You Dad, then I have to woman up, live with the consequences of my decisions, and trust you. Trust You to present me with another opportunity. Trust You in guiding me, not me guiding me and trust that with You, I can do this the right way this time.

 I am:

 - Allowed to be angry at my earthy dad, Tim.

- Allowed to forgive myself for my past mistakes. The longer I live in the

 pain, the longer Satan will outsmart me and use my pain to bring pain to others.

- Allowed to love myself unconditionally.

- I am allowed to love… and this time for the right reasons. I hope he can feel it and I hope I wake up in time so I won’t miss my promise.

 Dad in Heaven, will You please forgive me and take me wherever I need to go! I know it will only be out of love that You guide me and I shouldn’t be afraid. That’s what got me into trouble in the first place, me not trusting You.

 Why do you think I have an aversion to structure?

 Because I’ver never learned how to let go.

 I’m tired of being stuck in this box I’ve created for myself. Nothing feels as isolating as the thoughts I’ve given myself to keep me here.

[aboutelan-blog]

March 17, 2018 (Saturday) Before Noon

I didn’t have a good weekend. But first a dream I had.

 I had a weird dream where everything around me was at first chaos. There was a monster, similar to Godzilla, destroying the town. I had had this dream before. I knew where to run, where to hide, where to strike to take down the monster. I didn’t do any of that this time. I strayed from the plan.

 I tried doing things my way. I hid in a recycling bin, noticeably sticking out with a box on my head. This didn’t work.

 I tried hiding in crevices and small alley ways, hoping shadows would obscure me. That didn’t work.

 hen I ran into a high-tech building separating myself from the people that I was with, looking for answers.

 The monster penetrated the fortress of glass protecting this multi-level high rise. He caused some destruction before leaving. I had to figure out a way to re-fortify the building before he circled back and discovered we were still prey.

 I went to three different floors. They were all untouched, the floor with the board meeting still happening behind glass doors, people unaware of the unfolding tragedy or at the very least not concerned.

 Then there was the library, also untouched. There were seven little girls. Six of them were identical. They were clones. Their replication was supposed to be a way to stop chaos like the monster outside, to replicate predictability. To create control.

 I was angered. I found the people I lost and told them. They weren’t phased. I went to the next floor above the library, because that’s where I knew the scientists were and the press. I wanted to warn them of the monster who could break in at any moment and rebuke them for the clones that were equally as destructive, despite their wishes for control over chaos.

 Security clearance to the lead scientist wasn’t easy. There was an elevator, but we missed it. Instead we took a staircase off to the side, people and the press still clamoring below, this scientist on an interior balcony looking down.

 The stairs became steeper and steeper until it was basically a wall I was climbing. I strapped myself in, hanging on, my colleagues doing a better job than me as if this was routine.

 Finally, they steadied themself and stood on the top level. They told me I could too. I was too distracted by the struggle to realize that the struggle was over. I could stand too. So I did. We watched the beast, now a T-Rex run around the cold, bleak plains outside. This is the last thing I remember before waking up in the fortress, what I could only guess was years later.

 The only amount of time they could offer me was a Happy St. Patrick’s day text. (And they knew I wasn’t drinking because of my depression). This last line in parenthesis is for a script and is not rooted in reality.

 I’m this grotesque shape of a woman, and my mold…

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Stop treating me like I’m something that needs to be fixed. It only makes me feel broken. You don’t know who I am unless you ask.

 ------------

 (Dream continued)

This fortress was part sterile, part control mechanism. It operated like a school social event, that was partly orchestrated to feel like a city street in Vienna.

 Down one avenue of this indoor, manmade city, cheerleaders cheered with the precision of military soldiers operating as a line guard. They weren’t cheering because they were genuinely cheering, they were cheering because they were forced to.

 I somehow managed to walk through the crowds, go uphill past food stands on cobblestone streets and find Selma Hayek. (In real life, she’s special to me because she’s not blonde, blue-eyed and whatever else the world tells us to be, yet she’s still wildly sexy and seductive. That’s what I strive to be.) In the dream, she belonged to a higher class, so she didn’t have to be controlled. I was supposed to be “under control” but I was neither rogue or captive, I was only managing to free float without being seen. We spoke, Selma and I, and she was inspired by me. Someone was ushering her away, but before leaving, she promised to send me her contact info.

 The next thing you know I’m surrounded by people in stark, under-dressed white bedrooms.

 Everyone is broken. One cough or sneeze from me could cause someone else’s genes to mutate on contact. Everything was airborne. AIDS, sickness, whatever, we all mutated with just one breath, we all took on what was given to us until we weren’t the same being anymore. Society was controlling us by change. They could mutate us however they liked spreading sickness if we were too healthy, all through the air.

 My family wanted to leave. Packing took longer than anticipated. I wanted to leave everything perfect in these white rooms, white home, put everything away perfectly, the dishes and sweaters, even if that meant staying later a little longer. Everyone eventually left but me. They waited outside as I found more and more boxes to pack. More and more boxes to haul, more people being controlled to come and coax me out of leaving in their trendy clothes.

 I ignored them. I checked under beds for perfection and found swimming mermaids. She didn’t know how to swim toward me. I couldn’t save her. I piled more boxes on top of each other. Until someone finally moved them. They needed to be moved out.

 Once they were moved outside of the room, they were placed together, stacked as if they were in a warehouse. The only problem was my belongings were lost in the shuffle with everyone else’s. I searched frantically, going through box after box. I don’t think I found what I was truly looking for, but I did feel content with the boxes I found.

  On the way out of this town, we made one last stop for snacks.           They were the most delicious snacks you’d ever tasted.

 They were made from control, by a perfect woman holding up the box of snacks, in their perfect shape and with their perfect taste. I wanted so badly to take it with me, to bring this perfection with me across the border where we were going, but I couldn’t. Border patrol wouldn’t let me. That’s when I woke up.

[aboutelan-blog]

16-03-2018

Point 1 - I feel overwhelmed. Dad, does this mean I’m losing my connection to you?

Point 2 – I’m struggling with a co-worker. What are her motives? Is she trying to cut me down?

Point 3 - In John 15: 7-11 it says “If you stay connected to me and my words remain in you, you may ask any request you like, and it will be granted…

 Elan’s many questions:

 1) Am I not listening because I’m afraid of the answer?

 2) How will I know when Satan is manipulating my emotions? What are key indicators I can look for?

 3) Am I annoying to Germany #2? Why am I annoying to Germany #2?

 4) Dad, can You help me to have a deep and meaningful friendship with him? I want to pray for a relationship, but I don’t know if it’s in your will or his. The only thing I can say is, if I had a choice, I would say yes.

 5) I noticed that after hanging out with various co-workers, I tend to feel more insecure about myself than I did before walking into a convo with them.

 6) Dad, how do I distance myself from these co-workers and not feel FOMO?

 7) Dad, can I trust the woman I report into?

 8) Dad, how can I set appropriate boundaries with two Sr. Managers, so I’m not put in the middle of their politics?

 9) Dad, how can I help manage my career while still being faithful to screenwriting?

 10) Dad, how can I forgive a woman who didn’t meet her deadline recording my audiobook and my college roommate?

 11) Dad, how can I better communicate with Germany #2 and be more playful while keeping my emotions in check?

 12) Dad, can you help me come up with the money for comic con?

 13) Dad, I’m worried about all Your money in cryptocurrency, what do You want me to do?

 14) Dad, I’m praying so many things about Germany #2, because I don’t know which things you’ll say “no” to or which ones are realistic.

 15) How can I get Germany #2 to see me in a more interesting light?

 16) How can I get Germany #2 to trust me?

 17) How can I learn to hear Your voice?

 18) How can I not be so over-the-top but genuine?

 19) Do my co-workers have my best interest at heart.

   All of my prayers are tied to my job:

1) Germany #2

2) Co-workers and if I can trust them as friends.

3) Office politics with two Sr. Managers.

4) Job security.

5) Work overload.

 My job has been the main source of my stress. What do You want me to do Dad? Is there an opportunity for me to do screenwriting? What do I need to do to get there and learn?

 You’re not running to get me to a destination, so I’m not going to run. I just ask that you keep me from crashing and burning.

 I ask that:

 1) Despite the overwhelming amount of work I get, You help me to perform at my best and provide the copy that’s needed.

 2) I ask that I have this job as a steady job for the time being until I’m put into the right writing/screenwriting role.

 3) I ask that I’m not put in between the tension between two Sr. Managers at work and that things get resolved amicably. I pray that one Sr. Manager has a change of heart.

 4) I pray that one co-worker’s words are not given the same weight as Yours. That I learn how to discern what’s good for me to listen to and absorb and what’s nonsense.

 5) I pray for a healthy friendship with Germany #2 that’s meaningful and vulnerable and God-fearing.

 6) I pray for a healthy relationship with You Dad in Heaven, and as much as Satan tries to pull me away from You, you always come looking for me, because I love You and Your love is infinite.

 I pray all of this humbly, in faith, and in gratitude. Thank You. In the name of Your son Jesus Christ, Amen.

[aboutelan-blog]

3/15 (almost 10:30 p.m.)

Sometimes it’s our imaginations that hurt us the most. We imagine things that aren’t true. We tell ourselves stories and lies because we think if we can get ahead of it by thinking if first…by beating the universe to the punch, our worst fears will hurt less. In our attempts to prep ourselves for pain, we cause an unneeded, unnecessary pain in the now. And who knows if our imaginations will ever come to pass. Most times they don’t and we’ve just experienced suffering for no reason at all.

[aboutelan-blog]

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Maybe there’s time on earth to indicate how temporary it all is. Time is here to denote that this is temporary – pain, sorrow, greed, hurt is all temporary.

 Love is forever and that is not restricted by time. And that’s exactly what the heavens are made of: pure love. Heaven does not have an end date. It is eternal, just like love.

 The less chance I give myself to plan, especially conversations, the more chances I give myself to be authentic. I stumble over words, I say the wrong things sometimes, but it’s always with the best intentions and people will recognize that, I just have to trust them.

 The lies of Satan typically become my worries. That’s how I know this isn’t God speaking.

 1) I’m worried my editorial at work isn’t good enough.

2) I’m worried I make people uncomfortable when I talk about God.

3) I’m worried my script isn’t good.

 The above are all lies, and if I choose to believe them, my next action will steer me down the wrong path and out of alignment with God.

 Book chapter idea: House of Lies. It’s all light on the outside, but darkness on the inside.

[aboutelan-blog]

3/12/18   9:03 p.m. (Drive-through In ‘n Out)

Everyday, I have to consciously silence the voice in my head that says, I’m not worth being here. There is no hope. I should die.

 This is depression, agonizing over each choice, because I’m worried I’ll choose the thing that brings me the most pain. This is my testimony. This is my test. I hope this helps someone else build their hope.

 EVERY DAY I HAVE TO MAKE THE CONSCIOUS EFFORT NOT TO BE IN PAIN, TO DECIDE IF WHAT I’M FEELING IS HOW A PERSON NORMALLY EXPERIENCES PAIN, OR IF I HAVE MY GRAY-COLORED GLASSES ON AGAIN.

 This life is exhausting. Dad can You carry some of the weight?

 I don’t want to be unchangeable. I want to be nimble and adaptable, accepting that life isn’t pain-free. This life isn’t about my comfort level, it’s about my character and building character out of change and discomfort.

 Sometimes, my mind will try to manipulate me and make me think I’m toxic, like a cancerous cell. It wants me to kill myself for the good of everyone else. This is a lie, and if ever I need Your truth Dad, it’s in moments like these when I don’t feel fearless but lost in a foggy deceit. I am not a cancerous cell, but someone made to restore and help others through their own pain. How does someone like me set up, create a pain management plan? What does a healthy pain management plan look like?

 Already, I can hear my thoughts: I don’t want to deal with my pain again tonight. It’s important to remember not to get stuck here though.

 Dad, what do I do with Germany #2? How do I interact with him? What does it mean to treat him like a brother? My natural inclination is to avoid him. Just looking at him can trigger sadness. It’s not supposed to, because you are everything I need. Is it pride? Can I step away and say, “you don’t like me, that’s OK. I’m still OK with myself to still be your friend.” Or to say, “you don’t like me, it’s OK.”

 Why is my first reaction to avoid Germany #2? Because every interaction from now on is fragile. Because I’ll never know if I’m making the right decision to do or say something. Because I will agonize over every little thing I say or when I say it. Because nothing will ever be right and I don’t know what variables will make it right.

 I don’t know if what I’m doing or saying is wrong or will hurt him, make him uncomfortable, or push him away. I just want someone to like me, and I went about this the completely wrong way.

 I’m scared because every misstep with Germany #2 feels like another nail in the coffin, another guy gone.

 It feels like I drove him away with my actions, and if I don’t interact with him anymore, then I can’t mess up anymore.

 It’s the last little bit of control I have left if I decide to avoid him from here on out. But then I’ll hate myself in the end for not sticking it out, for letting something die based on my pride, for my fear of being wrong and not knowing how to cope with the very real consequences of me being a little bit awkward, a little uneasy around men.

 Dad, what do I do? If I avoid Germany #2, I’m still in pain, if I don’t avoid Germany #2, who knows, I’ll probably still be in some form of pain. Dad, can you show me how to be a sister and how to surrender?

 I want to get out of this personal hell I created on the basis of hope. Dad, please lead me to discovery. My soul needs to feel at peace again, which I can achieve once I’m realigned with You. Dad, can you help me carry this pain? In fact, I trust You to for my sake. Thank You. In the name of Your son, Jesus Christ, Amen.

 Every little misstep feels like “man, I haven’t gotten it right yet?” Is there anyone out there who will accept me for me, the woman who doesn’t know how to flirt. Dad, can you lead him to me?

 A lot of situations I’ve been in have been painful, and I try to control them for my pleasure, because I don’t want to be in this pain anymore Dad. When do I get to the good part? I don’t want to experience the breakdown anymore.

 I want to be understood. Men have a hard time understanding me. What can I do to solve this Dad? What do You think I should do? I’m not confident flirting or drawing attention to myself. These aren’t my strong suits. I’m not good at expressing to men that I like them. Can they be the first to do that?

 Can my future husband be confident enough to pursue me even if he’s not sure I like him? If I can never experience rejection from a man I love again, that would be my petition. But knowing You Dad, You probably want me to pray for how to healthily deal with rejection from men, because that has been my curse.

 I keep trying to will Germany #2 to like me, in part because I don’t want to be rejected again. I want to set up controls where I don’t fail. But if You want me to experience this Dad and You are willing to experience the pain with me, as I will with my kids someday, then You know something that I don’t that is ultimately better for me. I trust You. I am saying yes to more pain and rejection, because You know this will lead to something better. Thank You, let Your will be done. I have control over nothing.

 Life is just a series of my reactions to moments I have no control over.

 “Loving The People You Might Overlook”. Rick Warren (Everything on this page is verbatim Rick NOT me.)

1) Listen for clues that people are in pain. People are in pain all around us, but we never notice, because we’re in our own little world. We’re not tuned in, because they’re not in the center of our attention. They are relegated to the edges, the peripheral, they’re marginalized.

  Millions of people feel marginalized, similar to Job.                  (Job 19:7)

 l  When tension arises in a discussion, it’s not about the disagreement. Somebody doesn’t feel heard. People can actually work out their differences, but when they don’t feel heard, they get tense.

  – Psalms 18:16 - My cry reaches His ears.

 l  Listen beyond the anger. Ask myself, WHY are they angry? I’m going to have to listen past words and hear the pain! If I don’t end up doing this, I’ll end up arguing about the peripherals instead of dealing with, I’m not being heard right now.

 2) When someone’s in pain, stop what you’re doing in the moment.

You don’t multi-task when someone is in pain.

 What is it that Jesus allowed to slow him down?

What is it that Jesus allowed to interrupt him?

 The deeper pain is not being heard. - Elan.

 *If I want to be used by God, I must get used to being interrupted.

  The opportunity to show love comes not in the scheduled things in life, but in the interruptions.

    The number one destroyer of mercy is “I’m too busy, I don’t have time for this.”

   Busy-ness kills compassion.

It is the death of kindness.

    - 1 Cor 10:24

- Phillipians 2:4

     “Don’t be so obsessed with always getting your own advantage. Forget

yourself long enough to lend a helping hand.”

 3) Look past people’s behavior to see their value.

 *The greatest gift you can give people is your attention. Because your attention is your time. You can always get more money, but you can’t get more time.

 I can’t look out for people, if I’m looking down on them.

4) Ask people what they need. Don’t assume you know. Let the person set the agenda.

 ·        You look like you’re having a tough time, how can I help you? Is there anything I can do for you.

 Make allowances for people’s faults.

[aboutelan-blog]

3/11 @ church

The world does not teach us:

1) Self-discipline. It’s all about giving in to our needs now.

2) Selflessness. It teaches us to do things our way.                                 Have it your way.

Philippians 4:6  ------>     Praying about everything puts me closer to God.

1 Peter 2:9-10

  I declare war on my anxiety.

    (Petition) God, I want you to restore             God prepare me to be a wife (Prayer)

my relationship with

Germany #2.

  Prayer - Asking for God to change me.

Vs

Petition - Asking for God to change things.

 “When I have changed, the circumstances will change.” Julian

 He chose us before the foundation of the earth was laid. God already knew us, chose us before he created the earth. I wonder if he chose us because He trusted us with this Earth. He chose us because He trusted us. He trusted us before we could even put faith in him.

 If the devil is a lion, God is the lion tamer.

 Apology to Germany #2: Vulnerability is my thing, not yours. I’m sorry I put that on you. I was only thinking of myself. I wanted to build trust and get people to trust me. I overstepped my boundaries. I’m sorry. I can’t treat you the same way I treat other co-workers that I’m close with. I have to treat you how you want to be treated not how I want to be treated.

  Proverbs 18:20-21                           What we speak comes into existence

      18:22                                  He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

 It’s not up to me to seek a guy, it’s up to God and the guy to seek me. Why would God give me away to an unhealthy family when that’s where I came from?

Marriage is all about giving away, not receiving. My role as a wife is to give love, patience, prayer.

 ·        Rick Warren: Finding the Love of Your Life.

·        Pray about what team to serve on, so I can be around Godly men.

[aboutelan-blog]

3-10-2018 at 11:22 p.m.

Two thoughts:

 1) If we act in accordance of who we believe we are, then maybe I still believe I’m a stalker. In middle school and high school, peers used to tease me and call me a stalker. I would obsess over boys, putting them on higher pedestals than God, doodling their names on end, calling everyone in the yellow pages if I couldn’t get a guy’s phone number, giving boys unwarranted presents and attention. Everyone made fun of me, including my dad. I still fear to this day that I come off obsessive. Maybe that’s why I’m scared to flirt with men or give them attention, and if I do get the confidence I’m scared I’ll go overboard. I’m scared I’ve already gone overboard with Germany #2. Dad, can you please help me develop healthy/healthier thoughts? I am not that girl anymore. I didn’t go overboard with Germany #2. I may have irritated him, but I’m not who I was in middle school or high school or even college. I am a new woman, a transformed woman who has You Dad. I only have to fully believe it. Can you help me to do that Dad?

 2) When I’m talking to Germany #2, I’m talking to Satan. That’s the world we’re in. I have authority over Satan, but only when I’m aligned with You Dad. Each interaction with Germany #2 from here on out, can You give me the light to make it through and the savvy to bring him closer to You, without involving any romantic feelings on my end. Satan = Temptation; You = Inspiration. If it’s tempting, it’s not You.

 “Behind every sin is a lie you’re believing.” Rick Warren.

[aboutelan-blog]

3-10-2018

My job isn’t to bring Germany #2 to me, but to bring Germany #2 to You. I haven’t done that. I tried to manipulate him into liking me, by playing the role of a girlfriend. By pretending to be there for him, in an effort to draw him closer. I even got excited at the thought of him losing his job, because then maybe I would have a chance.

 If the only thing keeping us apart was this job, I was ready for him to lose it. How unhealthy and how unloving. Everything about that was centered around me, me, me, the exact opposite of  love which teaches, it’s not always about me.

 But now that I know better, I can do better. Germany #2 isn’t about me and I don’t want to lose sight of that. This interaction isn’t about what I can get from him, how I can exploit whatever is going on in his life to manipulate his feelings and try to get him to like me. That’s the old Elan.

 As Rick Warren says God doesn’t care about the method in which you approach something, but the motive. I can be doing all the right things: Talking to him daily, giving him space, being kind… on the surface all good things, but if the motivation is only to benefit me, then those things are valueless in the eyes of God.

 I’ll tell you my fears right now Dad, even though You already know them:

 1) I’m going to mix up Your mission with my own agenda when it comes to Germany #2. How do I bring him to You and not focus on my romantic feelings for him. How do I honor You, as well as respect his boundaries? What do You want me to do? I feel like Judas with the cash box, You knew he was a thief, but You trusted him with it anyway, giving him the chance to change. This is my chance to change; men are my chance to change and how I treat them. Or else, I’ll be stuck in the devil’s bear trap forever. Can you help facilitate this change? I’m not ready, but You’ve called me and You’ll prepare me. My way of thinking can no longer have significance as long as my motive is right, You’ll guide me Dad. And my motive has to be to serve You and lead people to You.

 I’ll ask myself when I approach Germany #2, is this a self-serving thought or a God-serving thought and that will help orient my motives.

 2) Next up, what are my weaknesses and how can You use them for Your glor?

 a) I crave intimacy from a man to the point of madness when I don’t get it.

b) I have trouble letting people down, and will sacrifice my own quality of life out of guilt.

c) I’m prideful.

d) I know how to influence people to get what I want, without being authentic (aka I play dumb, I know what I’m doing).

e) I beat myself up, letting Satan keep me in a headspace of pain.

f) I have trouble trusting if I’m moving the needle in the right direction.

g) I worry a lot. I’m fearful.

h) I let myself stew in thoughts that I’m not good enough.

i) I struggle with depression and sometimes not wanting to be alive.

j) I struggle with selfishness with things that I really want…selfishness being “How can I make this about me?” How can I make this friendship with Germany #2 about me, so I can get what I want.

[aboutelan-blog]

3-9-18  11:57 p.m.

There’s an art to being vulnerable. There’s an art to vulnerability.

 I want to be able to figure out men, by figuring out men on my own. I get so many opinions on how to interact with men. I’m not able to discern what I actually want to do, because I’m listening to the opinions, thoughts, and advice of other people.

 I want to be able to make my own decisions about this, so if I fail, I fail on my terms, If I succeed, I succeed on God’s terms. I don’t want to live in a space of regret because I relied on the advice of what worked for someone else because I was too scared to make a decision for myself. I don’t want to make decisions based on someone else’s thoughts of what I should do, because if it goes wrong I’ll live in regret.

 It’s important that I learn how to make my own decisions with love, consulting God because in the end, He is the only one qualified to discuss matters of the heart when it comes to me.

 ·        Satan knows his place is already behind me.

·        I can’t reach my purpose if we’re not yoked up, God. I can only reach my purpose in life if we’re in alignment. The thing is, you can move however fast or slow, but because we’re yoked and you’re a patient God, you move in accordance with me, always making sure that the pace you’re at is the pace I need.