aceofturtles

[aceofturtles]

[aceofturtles]

Waking up from your decade long enchanted sleep to learn that, not only is sharing your True Name with the fae okay now, but there's actually a rule against using a false name when entering the faerie market.

Your friends admit that this causes some problems— it's way easier to fall victim to a false deal, or get stolen away now— but everyone goes to the fae market to buy their goods so what are you gonna do? Not see your friends? Go out of your way to buy more expensive stuff from the human market? Yeah right.

Also yes they still perform their light-footed fluttering dances under the silvery light of the full moon, but in order to get in you have to first watch the dancers perform two short plays about why you should shop at certain local businesses. Also if you want to talk about the performance afterwards then you need to trade them your True Name, your home address, your date of birth and your personal interests.

You do this so that the fae can this information on a scroll and give it to local business owners.

Another part of the deal they broke is that nobody may talk negatively about those businesses within the market walls. In fact, your friends say, the enchantment is so effective that it's very difficult to talk negatively about anything at all.

“I know it sounds un-good,” your friend admits. “But there are loopholes.”

“In retrospect,” another friend says, “I wish the town had voted un-yes to teaching the fae about money.”

“On the plus side,” the first friend says, “I hear the market is investing in one of those enchanted statues that responds to questions with deliberately ambiguous riddles, so long as you trade it your memories of secondary school.”

“Oh, cool. Is that why they're burning down the library?”

You wonder if it's too late to go back to sleep.

[aceofturtles]

I really wish that the attic scene flashback in 1989 had carried on for just a few more seconds, because as much as I adore it, I'd love to see what the *actual* escape looked like:

Like picture Edwin, who's quickly having to accept that this freshly deceased lunatic with the nice smile (don't even worry about it) who seems to... genuinely like him (???) has imprinted on him like a baby duckling and wants to..hang out together, which ???!!!, but they need to go now, so rather than unpack All Of That, he just nods, pivots, and hauls ass straight through the door, fully expecting Charles to follow.

Meanwhile Charles was so caught up in the euphoria of having a new best friend (!!!!) that he forgot the whole being dead of it all, so rather than unpack All Of That, he quickly follows but stops short because he's spent the last 16 years Not Phasing Through Doors, sooo what's the ghost protocol here? The ghostocol if you will: how does he go through it? can he go through it?? Is there an instruction manual or like a beginners course he has to take?

But before he can spiral too much, there's an audible huff on the other side. The handle turns and suddenly swings open, and there's Edwin, hip cocked and eyebrow raised, with an exasperated look of "well come on then if you're coming" written across his face, and from that point on Charles is completely and utterly gone on this weird little bitch.

[aceofturtles]

[aceofturtles]

I understand it’s difficult to be a parent but it’s time we start telling parents bluntly it’s not the internet responsibility to keep your child safe it’s your responsibility to keep your child safe on the internet

[aceofturtles]

being in love is great except for Oh God The Hog

[aceofturtles]

internet safety we were taught as kids: don't share ANY personal information with ANYONE EVER the british government: you don't want to give these random third parties your photo or driving licence showing your name, birthday, address and signature? are you perhaps a nonce?

[aceofturtles]

I give it three months tops before a data breach leads to a public figure in the UK being outed for visiting niche porn sites because they uploaded their ID in order to access it and the site's data security is absolute dogshit

[aceofturtles]

[aceofturtles]

[aceofturtles]

my take on @mirellapryce dtiys:3 hope you like it

[aceofturtles]

AO3 and Tumblr can never go down for maintenance at the same time because there would be no one to watch their children (us, the users) and there’s too many of us to hire a babysitter

[aceofturtles]

“Hell still has its claim on me. It can take me back if-”

“Well I’m not gonna let that happen, am I?” Charles snapped. “Because my claim on you comes first. Hell will just have to get in line.”

“Your claim? Charles, I-”

“Because I love you,” said Charles desperately. “Maybe not the way you love me, but that’s gotta count for something, doesn’t it? You’re my best mate, Edwin. You’re my whole world and I am never letting those bastards get their hands on you again. You’re not going anywhere without me.”

[aceofturtles]

[aceofturtles]

[aceofturtles]

I love that genre of tumblr post where someone comes up with a fuckass scenario like hey what if there was a root vegetable that dyes your cum purple and stains your skin if someone nuts on you, and it becomes a popular thing and then someone comes up with a lipstick colour that perfectly imitates the same look and for like three weeks it would be the trendiest possible look to wear it because it looks like you just sucked off some slut with novelty colour cum, and everyone who isn't wearing it fucking hates it.

And then someone replies to it with "this is actually pretty much the plot of [one of those old classic animes that you've been meaning to watch at some point but never have] except the guy who invented the lipstick is also doing all of that in order to take over the world because he wants to fuck alien plants" and there's like five replies to that reply going "oh fuck you're right but why did you say it like that."