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Lindsay’s Story

TW: Talk of Behaviours

I’ve had a disordered relationship with food for a long time and certain foods have a euphoric effect on me. Growing up, food was always more important to me than it was to other kids. I was also aware of calories much earlier than most. I remember being worried about drinking a regular Coke after a basketball game in 5th grade because I was worried it was too many calories (for the record, I was overweight most of my childhood/early adulthood). When I was 29, I decided I was done being fat and I hired a trainer. I worked with him for almost a year, lost weight and was ecstatic. At the same, my obsession with calories and exercise was spiralling out of control and I started to purge. I could finally wear straight sizes and shop at any store I wanted, so purging was a small price to pay to stay that way, right? I talked to my trainer about it and while I could tell he felt for me, he didn’t truly understand. I realized that I needed to dial back the workouts and the strict dieting, but the purging continued. I went to therapy for two years. I got a little better, but then fell back into old habits. My therapist wasn’t familiar enough with eating disorders to give me what I needed and I’m not so sure I really wanted I stop. I wanted the weight I lost to stay off forever. The idea of getting “fat” again horrified me. It honestly still does. Currently, I’m in therapy and serious about beating this and overcoming bulimia. My therapist is the best one I ever hoped to find. I’m making progress, but it certainly isn’t linear. Recovery isn’t. I’ll take two steps forward and one step back. I want to get better, but the thought of gaining the weight back looms over me on a daily basis. Last week my therapist asked me what was so horrible about gaining the weight back and while it feels absolutely detrimental to me, I couldn’t find the words to explain it. It’s because it isn’t logical, it’s my eating disorder thinking for me. At this point, all I can do is continue to attend therapy and believe in myself. I’m fighting for my life and it’s the loneliest battle I’ve ever fought. Here’s to coming out healthy on the other side 💜

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Holly’s Story

TW: Talk of Behaviours

www.personnotdiagnosis.wordpress.com

When I think back my eating disorder probably started when I was about 15, around the same time I started to get ill with M.E. and being bullied. I was binge eating because it made me feel better and the M.E. was making me so hungry because my body knew something was wrong with my energy supplies. The binge wouldn’t make me feel good for long and I started to self-harm afterwards and felt very sick. The M.E. also made me feel very nauseous and I developed emetophobia which is fear of vomiting. This meant that certain foods were scary to me because of the risk of them making me sick, such as meat, dairy and egg products. With the M.E. limiting my ability to exercise dramatically and me laying around eating cheese on toast and chocolate I gained a bit of weight but it didn’t really both me at the time. The fact that my boobs had grown so big definitely did and I really didn’t like the attention they attracted.

When I was 18 things started going even more wrong for me. My M.E. was getting worse, I'd been betrayed by a boyfriend and then the bullying started up again. I was so upset and became so anxious about being at school that my stomach felt tense and I lost my appetite.The pain my tummy when I ate meant I started to develop a negative association with food. My grades started flagging and the girl who should have got all A grades was scraping a C in art. I started losing weight and at first people were complimenting me on something, girls who I had been jealous of were jealous of me! This spurred me on, the not eating was so easy to me and everyone else seemed to find it hard! I was good at something! This was, of course, Ana starting to take hold. She begins by seeming like a supportive friend but soon she was whispering horrible things in my ears and manipulating me. I began self harming and taking laxatives every time Ana thought I had eaten too much. I walked around head down, hunched over, my arms crossed over my stomach. I’d been fitted with braces which definitely affected my negative association with food as I was embarrassed, my teeth hurt and I couldn’t eat certain foods. There were also diet guidelines in the house as my mum was on a diet, so I quickly absorbed all the information about fat and calories, stealing the books and secretly copying them. Ana made me a really good liar and a spy.

Ana started on me in February 2010 and by July I was wasting away in bed, depressed and nibbling on 1 weetabix, 1 rice cake, maybe an apple a day and whatever dinner my mum could get in me. Mostly we just reached a negotiation of another weetabix. I was telling everyone that I had awful stomach pains, there must be something wrong with my stomach! But deep down I knew the real reason, I was a terrible burden and I needed to disappear. That was Ana’s lie to me of course.

I had no help from my GP apart from a ‘book on prescription’, basically they sent me away with a book about anorexia. No referral to a psychologist or counsellor, no follow up. Because I’d come to them. Because I was no longer in denial. Because I wasn’t thin enough at the time, but obviously lost more weight without their intervention. The only reason I was there was because I made my mum cry. My mum is always really strong and practical, but she broke down in front of me as I lay in bed, crunched up with stomach pain, refusing to eat. Later I was told by a healthcare professional that I had the smallest, tightest stomach they’d ever seen and it was no wonder it hurt so much to eat.

I took my ‘book on prescription’ to a counsellor which I had to pay for. It was a lot of hard work but gradually I was able to start eating more normally with her help.

8 years later, I still struggle sometimes but I make a conscious effort to fight the bad thoughts and I'm much more relaxed about what I eat now. Unfortunately having M.E. means I have to have a restricted diet which can be difficult to negotiate, but I'm actively eating more and gaining weight and have a wonderful friend who comes to cook for me when I'm struggling and has helped me feel good about my new curves.

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National eating disorder awareness week

TW: Talk of Behaviours

As I write this, at 26 years old, I ‘celebrate’ a full 14 years of eating disorder suffering. 14 years of my number 1 focus in life being my weight, my size, calories in every food/drink that enters my body, diets, exercise… I could go on. But the only thing that really matters is that for 14 years I have hated myself so much that all I’ve wanted in life is to shrink myself into disappearing. 

I wish I could sit here and tell you an inspirational story of how I’ve overcome this. But I can’t yet. My eating disorder is just as present as it ever has been. The biggest misconception is that eating disorders are only present in underweight bodies. As much as my illness hates, I am a healthy weight. I have been for years. But what my body doesn’t show you is that for 4 days this week, I have fasted, or that every meal has been purged. I cant remember a day in over 2 years that I haven’t purged or fasted. My weight is stable, but that doesn’t show you the dizziness, the headaches, the near-fainting, the stars in my eyes or frankly the extreme exhaustion every day. The emotional toll is even more extreme – my mind berates me with every bite, with every view in the mirror or photos, with every action I am reminded of my worthlessness. My mind is a constant battle; you will never see that from my appearance. 

I will not refer to my story here in any of the typical definitions (anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder etc.) I believe these are all true and painful disorders, however, for me, I have always sat outside of a definitive definition. This is sometimes referred to as EDNOS, although this term has fallen out of use in recent times. In my experience, the treatment path is also just as much of a mystery. This is a terrible failing in the health services currently. In my experience, most eating disorder sufferers will at some point in their journey sit between definitions. I also believe the lack of recognition of the seriousness of this side of the disorder is a great contribution to the fact people all around the world wait to seek help – we’re not thin enough, not seriously enough. Why do we wait? We’re scared we won’t be taken seriously. My eating disorder started when I was 12. Deeply unhappy and lonely at a very pressured new high school, I started skipping meals. I felt out of place in a school full of what I perceived to be smart, beautiful, slim girls with bright futures ahead of them. I believed myself to be the opposite. I very quickly thought that if I were thin everything else would turn out okay, that that was the only flaw of mine holding me back. I’d give anything to go back and hug that girl and tell her she was perfect the way she was. Sadly, no one did. Skipping meals, combined with a deep unhappiness – looking back now, probably an early depression - a perfectionistic personality trait and an obsession with numbers (10 years later I would graduate with a 1st class degree in maths) was the perfect combination for the development of an eating disorder. 

I don’t remember much of this time or the next few years. It is a blur of skipping meals, lies, obsessively weighing myself and dragging myself from week to week, weight goal to weight goal (sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding). Some memories are more specific: walking around Sainsbury's secretly buying Slimfast foods, the draw I would hide my food in, the 1 bin I would throw it away in, the torture of the orange scales, the period of daily sit-ups, the blur of Thursdays after fasting all week. There were periods of despair, moving into self-harm to control my pain, the first attempted suicide at 13, and unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I always wished I had sought help at this point, but I never believed I deserved anything better. 

I made it through school with good grades, despite a constant struggle. University was much the same, although more extreme. I discovered purging as a way to further punish myself whilst in a painful and unhealthy relationship. The relationship ended, unfortunately, purging has not.

My weight has fluctuated throughout my journey. For months I would lose and get very thin, then I would maintain for a bit, then survival instinct would kick in – sometimes likened to extreme hunger and I would gain back a little. I’ve always been able to keep myself stable enough to achieve – grades, jobs, promotions, projects. But no matter where my weight is, despite my eating disorders continual lies, it has never once brought me any happiness.

For my entire life, I have controlled anxiety, fear, change, grief, love; all through my diet and weight. My eating disorder has dictated every aspect of life. Every life moment – A levels, leaving home, graduation, relationships found and lost, first jobs, holidays, friends weddings, buying my first home – I have starved myself towards. My eating disorder comes through in full force, convincing me that everything will fall apart if I’m not x kgs by that date. I’ve wasted the most important moments of my life in a state of starvation and self-loathing as I could never achieve what the eating disorder wants. I’ve never been able to discover who I am, what I believe in or enjoy. The eating disorder convinces me that all I am worth, all my time is worth is the battle to change my body. It tells me that I take up too much space, that I don’t deserve happiness, that my hobbies are exercise and diet. That I’ll never be worth anything until I am 5 stone and in a hospital bed.

I’ve waited for 14 years before speaking out about my struggle. My silent battle has eventually taken its toll. 2 years ago I fell into a very deep depression, that I still haven’t recovered from. 5 further suicide attempts (and hospital trips) later, I live a constant struggle to find a reason to stay alive. To keep waking up. My brain is now hardwired to hate myself and everything I touch. I have been fighting, I am in group therapy for my depression. I wake up most days, but I wish I hadn’t almost every time. I’m battling my depression, but my eating disorder goes unchallenged. I can’t know for sure, but if I hadn’t waited and sought help early on, I do believe I would be writing this in the past tense as recovered.

This week’s eating disorder awareness week is #whywait. I have realised now that I cannot wait anymore. I can’t heal from depression without fighting the underlying mental health conditions. I have wasted too much time. I have friends around me who inspire me daily with their strength, intelligence, passion, ambition and individual beauty. I am proud of them every day, but it fills me with sadness to watch my friends thrive in who they are as I wilt away, my personality forever dampened by my eating disorder. I grieve the person I should have become, the things I could have achieved, the experiences I could have enjoyed. It never has been, and never will be, worth it.

I cannot sit back and let more years waste away. So I pledge, here today, to start truly fighting my eating disorder. I will not wait anymore. If you are reading this, and you are suffering, don’t wait. You owe it to the amazing person you are supposed to be. Let yourself flourish and thrive, don’t let the eating disorder dampen you down. I’ll be fighting along with you.

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@rebeccasrecoveryjourney_

TW: Talk of Behaviours

My name is Rebecca and I am recovered from a long, gruelling battle with anorexia and purging disorder. I had six lengthy admissions to Beechcroft Adolescent psychiatric hospital in Belfast totalling 30 months as an inpatient from the ages of 15-18. I unknowingly had an eating disorder from the age of 11 after a period of family deaths and bullying. I turned to food for comfort from the family deaths, then restricted my food after the bullying.

I was overweight as a child and was recommended by a doctor to attend a slimming club, so at age 13 I did. I stood on the scales weekly, shamed for gaining and praised for losing. Slowly my healthy eating turned into orthorexia. I was obsessed with clean, healthy foods and would not let an ounce of oil, bad fat or dairy pass my lips.

In Christmas 2011 I got sick with a stomach bug. I vomited for 5 days straight. When I went back to the slimming club and had lost a lot of weight because of the bug, I was praised and awarded slimmer of the week. I discovered that vomiting made me lose weight, and so I made myself sick from that weigh in day onwards after everything I ate. The weight loss became extreme. I was dropping weight excessively, hiding food, over-exercising and purging.

In December 2012 I was referred to an eating disorder service by my doctor after my mum noticed my behaviours. I didn’t think it was an eating disorder. I thought I was just “losing weight and getting healthy”.

I started my therapy in January 2013, where I had my first threat of inpatient. I was not underweight at this stage, but my body was failing due to starvation. I followed the meal plan for a bit but my eating disorder got stronger. I started to hide food again and make myself sick. In August 2013 my body became very weak and I was detained for treatment under the mental health act. There I would spend 6 months inpatient with another 24 months to follow across other admissions. My eating disorder morphed from anorexia to bulimia to purging disorder. All different experiences and different behaviours with all one motive- control. I couldn’t control deaths in my very close family, or what bullies said, but I could control my food and weight, so that’s what I did.

Recovery wasn’t easy. It was a long process. I began real recovery in my 6th and final admission. I started locking my bathroom after meals and keeping myself heavily distracted. I ensured I had someone with me after meals and a safety box to avoid purging or harming myself. I attended adult services when I turned 18 years old. I attended Woodstock in Belfast for 13 months. I worked hard, and I attended CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I didn’t want to die, and my eating disorder nearly took my life.

I became determined. I began regular eating in order to curb the overeating/purging. I threw away my scales and all the bags I used to hide food in. I worked on the issues behind the disorder such as my fear of death, fear of what people think of me, and anxiety. Issues that were masked by the disorder. An eating disorder is never an illness on its own. IT’s a coping mechanism for something else.

I dug deep into my feelings. It hurt. It was emotional. But it inevitably led to my recovery. So yes, recovery is possible. You will not be sick forever. You have to put the work in and commit 24/7 to getting better.

There is no shame in sharing your story. Mental health should not be a hush-hush subject. I encourage others to speak out and share their story.

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Allie’s Story

https://www.instagram.com/alliemaelynn/

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been depressed and anxious. It’s felt like a part of me as distinguishing as my DNA. Along with that has been the seedling of disordered eating and body image. From ballet classes where I was staring into a mirror comparing my leotard-clad body to every other person, to going into middle school surrounded by people subtly (or not so subtly, thanks to bullying) telling me to lose a few pounds, that seedling blossomed quickly.

I started a “health journey” in 7th grade, around that time also feeling very depressed and hopeless, ready to end it all. I started becoming transfixed on exercise and controlling the food I ate, hoping for some progress and satisfaction in myself. I must also add that my personality is very type-A, very controlling and perfectionistic. I have only had 2 B’s my entire educational career, and I always struggle with feeling inadequate, not doing enough. As is everything in my life, it’s a work in progress.

Around freshman year, people were complimented how slim I looked. How much prettier I had become. This only fueled my obsession more into sophomore year, the first time I was deliberately restricting calories. Any way I could eat less, the better. Throwing away any breakfast laid out for me at home, gradually not eating lunch at all, becoming weary of any grease or extra “junk food”...I was spiraling. That was my first intervention. A classic family gathering begging me to change. I will never forget my older brother crying, scared that I would die from this. I decided then to recover.

Which I did...for a while. Through the stresses of senior year and into adjusting life at college (I was lucky enough to even go since I was dangerously close to going to an in-patient program instead), I had about 3 relapses in total, a constant yo-yoing from a desire for true health, but gaining weight beyond my ED’s wishes and going back to the vicious cycle. Thanks to body dismorphia, I was never pleased. I was always searching for more, which was inevitably to become less.

My ED and mental illnesses have taken so much from me. I spent my years of high school in a fog, marked mainly by the periods of recovery and relapse. There’s life I can never regain, but all I can do is move forward.

I’m graduating college in May. I still struggle every day to fight the ED voices. I have since been vegan for two years, a choice that dramatically improved my well-being. I have been officially been diagnosed with anorexia, anxiety and depression, and I’m still trying to find the best treatment to live a full life, a trial-and-error cycle of anti-depressants and different therapists. But I’m hopeful.

I know my story is not extraordinary. I definitely fall within the stereotypical demographic for anorexia warriors: white, female, American, privileged. But every story is valid and worth sharing. Every voice is step toward fighting the stigma and helping others. There is plenty I could share about my mental health and every detail of its havoc, but I will leave it at that. My goal is that others will realize their isolation is an illusion. There are so many people of every walk of life going through similar battles you might otherwise ever know. I’m pretty vocal about my mental health, and I do so to advocate for accepting help, even when it’s the last thing you ever want to do, and fighting for the life and health you deserve.

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https://www.instagram.com/creatinglillie/

“I first developed issues with food & my body at the age of 11, I was bullied, I noticed I was bigger than the other girls at school & I never understood why, I was a gymnast & I've always been muscular. When I left gymnastics, I noticed changes in my body which I perceived to be horrific so I joined the gym & started restricting my food intake, because I've always been a competitive person who loves a challenge, I decided to compete in a bikini fitness competition. That was the moment I realised I had covered up what was an eating disorder for years. The process itself was very harsh on my body, restrictive dieting, over exercising & all for 5 people to judge me on my body. I'd put my heart & soul into training for this for 3 months, it was very disheartening going home with a plastic medal. I wasn't good enough, I never had been enough. What was wrong with me. I gave up food altogether, I over exercised until I was banned from the gym because of their fear of what might happen to me & I lost my job, I had nothing, accept, food. Goodbye anorexia, hello binge eating, i remember the nights I'd sit outside tesco in my car, shop, retreat back to the car, eat, go back in, shop, eat & so forth until I physically could not move. I remember spending £700 in 1 month on food, other than that it was all a blur, I lived in my bed in the dat & at the supermarket at night. I knew I needed to do something as I was terrified of gaining weight, thank goodness for the Internet, goodbye binge eating, hello bulimia, I adopted laxatives & making myself sick in order to compensate for the food, I hated myself so much that it drove me to attempt to take my own life. I'm still here. At that point, I knew I needed help, I wanted help. This was the hardest experience I've ever been through. But I honestly treasure that girl that I once was now, she means so much to me because she made me who I am today, an average day is fuelled by an abundance of beautiful foods, powered by self love & enriched with body positivity. If I can do it so can you, goodbye ED.”

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public service announcement | credit

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Colette’s Bulimia Story

When I was around 12/13 years old, I started to develop mental health issues. I found school very stressful, and also was constantly comparing myself to my friends. The girls in my class were all much thinner than me, and I believed they were prettier too, and this led me to believe there was something wrong with me. I was slower to start dating and I began to really believe that my weight was a massive issue. The combination of stress, low self-esteem, and being at a time in my life where so many changes were happening, led me to develop depression and anxiety. I started to skip meals to numb the emotions I felt, and this began a 6 year battle with bulimia. For years I used food as a negative coping mechanism, as I didn’t know how to deal with the emotions I felt inside.

I had good days and bad days throughout my entire teens, but my eating disorder was always more severe during stressful periods in my life, such as exams or friendship fallouts. When I was 18, I moved out of my family home and into university accommodation. This was when my eating disorder really spiralled out of control. I was barely eating, and when I did, I was making myself sick. Every day was a struggle and I was self-harming regularly and having suicidal thoughts. After a long time of these thoughts, I decided enough was enough. I knew that I needed help. I went and saw my doctor, got prescribed anti-depressants and given CBT, and finally opened up to my friends and family about my mental illness.

This was the beginning of my recovery. It is now 5 years since that first doctor’s appointment and I could not be more grateful to have my life back. I have no symptoms of depression and my eating disorder is gone. I am finally mentally healthy and I am going to continue to share my story to give others hope that they can recover too.