acupofselfcontrol

[acupofselfcontrol]

i've been in a really bad binge/starve cycle and I wanna get out of it so today i'm not gonna care about cals cause like it'll balance out eventually I won't gain more than a couple lbs (hwjdnald/neg) but I want to be able to trust myself during meals so even though I ate way too much at breakfast i'm having an actual lunch and i'm gonna eat dinner

this is really uncomfortable but i'm tired of spending all my time making up for things

[acupofselfcontrol]

Update for any moots who were worried cause this is so dumb😭😭 (tldr ed and depressiony shit is like my only consistent period symptoms and my periods inconsistent so I don't realize its happening, but I got my period today and my brain isn't consumed by ed thoughts anymore so i'll be okay)

okay this is gonna sound weird so i'm gonna explain it as best I can't

ED and sometime SH relapses are like my only consistent period symptom😭😭 it was always rlly irregular then right after I started having a normal routinely cycle I lost my period from undereating and over exercising and i've since gotten it back but those are still like my two symptoms

but because it's really irregular I never realize that's what's happening like some days it'll be 2 days before and suddenly my ed is back and i'm getting sui thoughts (To be clear I am not suicidal at all and haven't been for over a year) and some times (like this time) it's like 3 weeks before and it'll cross my mind that maybe it's my period but it like fucks my brain and I'm certain that's not why it's happening and then things like yall just witnessed Live From Tumblr happen where i'm like disordered and depressed again

anyway so I got my period today and suddenly my brain is a billion times clearer and I'm not dying to relapse anymore (it's just too much work and this is summer vacation)

i'm visiting friends this summer who that last year was like the final thing that made me spiral into the ed and im worrying that I look exactly the same as last time I saw them, but I literally don't, i'm significantly healthier, I exercise and I eat whole foods and I have lost weight even if it's not the -30 lbs my ed makes me think it should be

[acupofselfcontrol]

tw purging

i got the closest i've ever gotten to purging, like coughing and gagging and everything but nothing is coming up but spit and I feel like such a disappointment, I binged a lot of food like more than whatever you're thinking, like a lot, and I got close to the purging working but it just won't

maybe purging isn't my thing, maybe i'm just more of a starving girl idk but that doesn't help me right now and idk what to do

like I know for a fact i'll gain a lot from yesterday and today, like even if I go into a large deficit what if the weight just doesn't come off

[acupofselfcontrol]

My moms home and I realize that it's probably not the best idea to go into a really important conversation with someone I haven't talked to in weeks on 22 hours without any calories so i'm gonna eat a little something now so I have time to digest before going

[acupofselfcontrol]

My mom changed to working from home today cause of my fuckass brother again so my plans are ruined

[acupofselfcontrol]

i think halfway through the day i'm gonna switch to a liquid fast with a limit of 250cals (water fasting until then)

[acupofselfcontrol]

i'm gonna try to do my first all day fast tmr

the longest i've done is 28 hours I think because I always have people monitoring me so never done an all day one

the only thing i'm worried about is that later in the day i'm going for a walk with a friend and we have to talk about some serious stuff, and i'll have to be really careful how I act cause sometimes starving makes me a dick (but sometimes starving makes me weirdly giddy and focused too so we'll see)

[acupofselfcontrol]

As patient as I can be, I can’t stand when my mom insists on me eating, yet the moment I do:

“Wow, someone’s hungry.”

Shut the fuck up.

[acupofselfcontrol]

aww thank you!! I don't always do all the tag games but it always makes me smile to hear included when yall tag me!!

Colour: Yellow

Song: Gouge Away by Pixies

Reading: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Watching: B99 for the gazillionth time

Craving: Going for a run (i'm too tired rn though istg, if I can get ready fast enough i'll ask my mom to take me to the gym cause it's too hot to run outside)

Coffe or tea: Coffee in the morning, tea after 11am, I love both

ty @fluffyyyfrog9000 for the tag!!

get to know your mutuals tag game :))

favourite color: sage (can you tell? it’s all over my blog :))

last song listened: symphonia ix by current joys

currently reading: sunrise on the reaping by suzanne collins (bought it on sale and I’m still recovering from the financial debt it left me in)

currently watching: the rookie (literally on episode 2)

currently craving: cherries

coffee or tea: teaaaa

open tags!

[acupofselfcontrol]

posting in a edblr community on main makes me feel like such an imposter or smt like pls yes I do love broadway but that's not why i'm here

[acupofselfcontrol]

Trying to exist without my ed feels like trying to sleep without a blanket on a cold dark night

[acupofselfcontrol]

I think at the very least we should be calculating shit ourselves, not using chatgpt💀

[acupofselfcontrol]

How many cals does scrolling on edblr burn??

[acupofselfcontrol]

hahahahahhahahahaha I hope no one ever loves me romantically again because it wouldn't be fair for them to have to be seen with me💀

[acupofselfcontrol]

trying not to freak out cause I have 2 days to lose as much bloating/water weight as possible so it'll be okay

[acupofselfcontrol]

help today's the last day of school other than exam periods and I came home to my mom having had baked a loaf of banana bread for me and was reminded of the joys of life so idk how the ed's gonna go but now that im running again maybe my metabolism and stuff will balance out and idk just that was really good banana bread and im not gonna reject my mothers kind gesture for a beauty standard today

[acupofselfcontrol]

short dramatic rant😭

WHY HAS MY FACE VISIBLY GAINED FAT THIS WEEK IVE BEEN EATING IN A DEFICIT AND EXERCISING AGAIN WHAT IS THIS!!?!??!1?2!2!!2!2!1!1!!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!!