adalheidisme

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (13)

Hi, again. It's been two years! A lot had happened in those years, and I'll do what I can to provide an overview of those events here. Okay, time for another little story:

2022 was, I guess... fine, at some point, compared to 2023. As I browsed through my notes the other day, I found this, supposedly the 12th open letter for the year 2022:

It's far from finished, as you can see. But what I could remember was more about the beauty of the struggles that I faced while in my final year of nursing school, including the preparation for the board exam. Yes, studying was hard, and the exam was hard, but what's harder was waiting for the result. I was nervous and stressed the whole time, and I gained weight from overeating because of it. All throughout, I was doubting whether I had made it. Fast forward: the most-awaited release day came, and I was actually unprepared. That morning made me drenched in cold sweats, and my heart pounded so hard that it felt like it could get out of my chest any moment as my whole body trembles as I open the website that contains all the passers that year.

Even before I knew it, tears fell from my eyes as I leaped out of bed and went straight to my mom and told her the news: I passed! The manifestation I made came true! We've been crying for minutes, contemplating what happened. During that moment, I knew that every struggle was worth it. Then the oath-taking came a month later, and then the release of our RN identification cards. Even before I came to my senses, I was already making a resume for work. I only took a month off before finally deciding where to work.

The sense of accomplishment was only for a brief moment. I feel proud, yes, but it was only for a while. The realization came that the real world was already waiting for me; I am already an adult, and to be honest, I wasn't really prepared for this.

I actually applied to three hospitals, and I told myself that whoever calls or texts first, I'll go there. And it happened that the hospital just minutes away from home called me first, so I grabbed it. My first day at work was actually embarrassing. I thought that we would only be having orientation on the first day; therefore, I dressed casually, not wearing my scrubsuit, but to my disbelief, they let me work at the ER only wearing simple cotton pants and an oversized blouse that I needed to constantly adjust the shoulder part to not expose my chest! I can't imagine how my day went. Right now, I just put that memory in the back of my head; it was really an embarrassing one, though it was so funny. I just laugh it off whenever I remember it.

So, a month from now, it'll be my first year working as a registered nurse. I had rollercoaster shifts; some days were fine, and some days would make me regret that I chose this profession. This job requires tons of patience despite earning just slightly above the minimum wage. Yes, nursing school was tough, but working as a nurse is way tougher than I thought.

 

But here I am, making my way through... life.

 

Now, here comes the twist: that "hope" for a calm and peaceful 2023 was again far from that. I barely remember how much anxiety and breakdown I had last year, how much I cried, how small I thought of myself, how many daggers pierced my heart, and how much pain I went through. Well, I lost count.

The person that I once called 'bebi', we didn't make it. The decision wasn't sudden; it was gradual. Over time, the love that I had for him was continuously outgrown by pain, and that made me completely lose trust in him. Throughout our relationship, there was more pain than joy; we're not growing; we were actually stuck in a stagnant ocean, unable to move. As I stayed in that situation, it felt like I was suffocating. I gave him enough chances, but he always broke them. Therefore, I had to make a painful decision; there were already clear signs that we weren't able to make it, and even if we wanted to, we couldn't. Yes, I was the first to give up, but does that mean that I'm weak? No. I came to realize that I was actually strong enough to let go. I loved him. I did. Most of my notes were actually composed messages for him that I sent or couldn't send, and that's when I realized that I truly loved this person. Every single note contained all my feelings that were desperately begging him to be heard, felt, and understood too, but he couldn't. That pains me. But what's more painful were the "what if's?". He's my "almost." I can't deny the fact that he was still a nice guy. It's just that we weren't really meant for each other. Maybe in another universe, we could've made it. Though I am still thankful that once in my life I got to experience the love of this person, he taught me lots of things; he made me realized that I could love someone with all my heart, despite not being loved enough. Moving on was not easy, but I got through it, and I hope he does too.

The only regret that I have with us is that I barely expressed my affection towards him and haven't really made him feel loved in words because of uncertainties and doubts in our relationship. I am not very vocal, but I communicate through action. and I expected him to do the same. But even if it's in person or not, he wasn't really expressive; I felt that he wasn't really doing anything; he was too occupied with himself, and most of the time he wasn't emotionally available or physically as well. But maybe I just expected too much from him. Maybe I'm the one who's suffocating him. Yeah, maybe. I should've been more open about how I feel towards him; I should've said and made him feel more that I loved him enough. I did, but it wasn't really enough. I thought my sanity would leave me if I didn't let go, and I'm grateful that I was out of that relationship already.

I never regretted that I chose myself.

Though, after all that's happened, I am actually thankful that I met him. Even if it really hurts to let go of the person whom you considered having a future with, even if we didn't end up together, I know that we learned a lot from each other. And I couldn't deny that we also made happy memories together, and I'll cherish them for sure.

I'm not perfect; I make mistakes as well, and these are essential for growth. Now that I have learned, I believe I am mature enough to handle things.

Last year was full of painful events, and that's why I hoped for a plot twist at the end of that year. And that twist came, and that's when I met this beautiful soul of a person 🤍

We're still making our way and exploring each other. It is going smoothly, and we're getting stronger each day. I pray.

Those two years were really tough, with lots of ups and downs, but what matters is that I learned, I managed to grow, and I'm still growing. There's still plenty of room to grow, and more importantly, he came into my life when I didn't expect him to.

The beginning of this year was not that smooth, though. So, we're off to a challenging start! But we'll manage.

 

Please be nice, 2024✨

- Alétheia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (12)

A little story time: So yesterday, as a requirement for the renewal of my contract at work, a drug test was needed, and I commuted for an hour for the test and, at the same time, went to my doctor for my checkup because I don't feel good after more than 3 years of my surgery. And a night before, my boyfriend messaged me that he'd go to the same place as me to process or get the papers for his motorcycle, and we talked about meeting there. Fast forward: I went to my doctor, and I was 14th in line, and his secretary told me that he'd be available at 2 p.m., so I decided to get my drug test done first. And as I was waiting for the result, my love met me there, and we waited for several hours. Then, while we're waiting for my result, we ate our lunch first, his treat, and went for a stroll to kill time. Then, at 1 p.m., we already went to the clinic and waited for my doctor to arrive. Just as we thought he would be there at exactly 2 p.m., he arrived an hour later😩 I was done by 4:30 p.m., and before we went home, we bought snacks first for ourselves on our way and for our family as well, and that's his treat again, even my fare, he shouldered all of that. Despite not having much, he still paid for almost everything. I made sure that next time, I'd be the one to pay. I'm not that person who wanted my man to be constantly paying and providing everything for me. I believe that a relationship takes two for it to work. If he provides now, I'll provide next time. After all, we're partners.

To continue, I needed to stop at a bank to withdraw cash first, and he still drove me home right after. We had dinner at home, and we had a night of laughter with my family. Then we just had "us time" for a while; we talked, we laughed, we hugged, we kissed, we made sure that we felt loved, and then after, he went home. We exchanged chats later that evening, talking about how our day went and a bunch of other stuff too. Then we called it a day after exchanging good night's and I love you's, we slept.

After a whole day of being together with this man, I realized how lucky I am to have him.

He had a game that afternoon and had to go to their church later that evening, but he chose to stay and patiently waited for me. I didn't hear any complaints from him; instead, he made sure that I was okay the whole day by constantly asking me if I was fine. He then told me that he'd just make it to church at 5 a.m. this day. Though I do not encourage him to choose me over God because, in our relationship, we should put God before anything and everything else. He told me he just needed to make it up for me, and then just this morning, he texted me that their mass just recently ended and that he was already at home.

To be honest, I don't feel tired when I'm with him, despite the exhausting day we went through. I just felt how tired I was when I was already in bed. I know the moment when we're already at home that he was really exhausted; just by looking into his eyes, I know how tired he was, and he still manages to have some time with me right after. That was so sweet, and I felt guilty as well🥺 I promise I'll make it up to him soon🥰 Just to add, there was also this drunk man who's eyeing me the whole time inside the car, and I whispered it to him, and little did I know he's also aware of it. He then told me he'd talk to him, but I stopped him before he could. The whole trip went fine, though.

Again, yesterday, he showed me how responsible and caring he is; he treated me the way I was craving to be treated. He's willing to sacrifice for love🥺 He's so handsome in all ways.

I really can't express how thankful I am that I met this person. God knows how grateful I am that I have him in my life❣️

My love, ayat ko, I love you eternally ♥️✨

- Alétheia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (11)

When everything is already falling into their proper places, that's when the devastating plot twist comes.

September 23, 2022 was so overwhelming that I felt like giving up on the spot. The wound is still fresh, and it pains me to just think about what had happened. Right now, I am literally in tears while doing this one.

I was so heartbroken when I saw one of the people that I look up to, succumbs to a terrible crisis. One of my heroes was rushed in the ER d/t sudden signs of a dreadful illness. I was able to witness probably one of his most vulnerable moment, and I feel so worthless to be not of a help. And I really felt like I couldn't grasp that thin line that connects me to one of my dreams when that incident happened.

I just feel so helpless and miserable because the fact that we are learning/reviewing/working to be healthcare providers in the future, yet we couldn't do anything that could have prevented what had happened. I couldn't do anything to help this beautiful soul. T'was a force majeure, yes, but we could've been more vigilant in taking the signs and premonitions more seriously.

At the start of the lecture, he had a flushed face and he was diaphoretic, and we expected that it was just natural since our venue is located at the 3rd floor and the elevator wasn't functioning or maybe they just don't want it to be used; cliché. Then he always asks for a few moment to sit in order for him to maybe catch his breath, or rest for a while, or maybe because he feels dizzy or so. He also mentioned that he couldn't get enough sleep, and he wasn't able to get breakfast, and that he thinks that he was having either hypoglycemia or an elevated bp; he also asked us if we brought any bp app but unfortunately, no one did. And all throughout the whole lecture, he kept on telling us that he could see a floating white cloth or something on the corner of the room that's why he feels ill, and that he claimed that he could really see supernatural beings, so we just set it aside. He also asked 'it' to not get him too early. To make it short, he really looked unwell all throughout that morning.

He then took a nap after lunch, then everything went well after that. He was already at his usual self, joking around and all, but he told us that during the whole lecture that morning, our faces were like cloudy for some reasons, and we didn't took it seriously once again. Then after a moment, while he was already discussing, all of a sudden, he did something that felt strange, and all we thought was he was just playing around since he loves joking, and some were already laughing. But he didn't stop what he's doing and he just kept on repeating what he's saying. It was so eerie that it creeps me out when I remember that moment. And after few seconds of realizing what's happening, that's when we all freaked out and panicked. Fast forward, everything went black and white.

It just happened so quick. In just one tick of the clock, everything has changed.

It was terrible.

He is so dedicated and focused into helping us, disregarding his own well-being, and that he totally forgot to take care of his self. Honestly, my respect towards him has already gone far beyond measures.

But you know what, this is the time when I realized that it is not selfish to prioritize yourself first. Everything starts with ourselves. You won't be a help to anyone if you yourself is not okay. Therefore, make yourself a priority once in a while.

Breathe...

Doc! We are this close! We're almost at the end of our journey into becoming registered nurses. In just few weeks, we'll have our licences (in Jesus' name) that we've all been working on for months. So, why now?!😭

A quote that I read before was right all along, it says that the word almost is probably the saddest word in the world.

We're almost there!!!💔

But I know that you won't give up on us, and you really won't give up on yourself; we will never give up on you as well, Doc. We will always pray for your fast recovery. We hope to see you soon! Keep fighting, our Doc Six 🤍✨

- Alétheia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (10)

"Bebi"

An infamous neological phrase of mixed letters that expresses a growing young love.

(In my own definition 🥴)

Hey, this one's for you.

Even if you kept on telling me that t'was childish, I kept on bugging you to say it because my ears were eager and curious for how it would sound when you say it. I really wanted to hear it directly coming from you, not just through written letters.

I'm craving for your voice.

During 'that' call, you finally said it. You find it funny, but I find it cute. Good thing I recorded everything (secretly). The room was already filled with laughter, you and I, at that very moment, having genuine laugh for some silly endearment, well, I never felt anything but honest joy, even if it only lasted for seconds. Our laugh echoed in the room, until now, I'm still crazy over it.

It'll always be the little things ✨

And you know what, when you sent me a voice message saying the same word and using your morning voice, arghhh, I couldn't breathe. My day went like there were thousands of trapped butterflies inside me. My man, I even became crazier.

That's the voice that woke up the girl that was sleeping inside. With all those little things that you did for me, for us, at this very moment i know

my eyes are already fixed on you / my mind can't stop thinking about you / my heart already beats your name / and you already captured my soul

I'm falling.

- Alétheia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (9)

You are my book / that I don't want to finish / I waited for months / to finally embrace you / my first glimpse of you / your smell / your touch / I felt periwinkles in my tummy / like a child / hugging their favorite bedtime story / I have prepared a whole closet / for me to keep you safe / I have engraved your name in each pages // You are that story that I kept on rereading / each day and night / I never get tired of flipping every pages / knowing that / your adventures are also mine / you're my safe haven / my favorite place / your voice echoes with each words / each chapters / every letter / keeps me whole / now / that you're finally home / let me hold you tight / gently wrap you in my arms / let me linger in your story / a little ever / longer

- Alétheia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (8)

I don't want to end the year with a heavy heart, so let me leave behind the things that weighs me down, the things that filled my mind with countless negativities, the things that made me lose my sanity, and the things that prevented me to connect with my soul.

As the clock strikes at twelve, onwards, I want to prioritized my growth, my healing; I'd like to start a new chapter wherein the focus is me. I'd like to start the year with a heart that is full of positivity, hope, joy, peace, and love.

I am really grateful to those people who stayed with me until this very end of the year, and also to the people whom I've just met and known this year - who gave me happiness, learnings, and made memories with me, thank you.

I've made a box in my heart and I'm looking forward to fill it with memories and adventures with myself, and of course with the people who have a special place in my heart. I'm also hoping to meet new friends who will ride with me as I take my journey to life.

Manifesting: by the end of 2022, I'll have that RN after my name. Yes! I'm claiming it!

Happy New Year! ✨

- Alethéia

[adalheidisme]

Just random stuff (4)

I don't know but I think / my feelings are buried deep in a mountain of corals / my thoughts wander in a sea of wildflowers / and / my soul is lost in the graveyard of stars

- Alethéia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (7)

Taking risks for not choosing the usual route can sometimes put us in detours, but for sure, we'll still be getting to our destination, it will only cause us a little delay. Remember that being in a road less taken also means adventure. So, have it in your own way.

Not everyone needs to follow the same path.

Follow what your heart tells you.

-Alethéia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (6)

Have you ever met someone with the same vibe as you but the time is not yet right so you have to let that person go because you both need to prioritize self growth & healing first?

Congratulations! You met TOTGA.

Yes, you did.

I know, letting go is hard but you still need to do that because you're not yet ready, you still lack the ability to love, you're indecisive, you're still unsure of how you feel, and you still need to find yourself - gather your thoughts, fix your emotions, and nourish your soul.

The process may be too long, but patience makes everything good in its perfect time.

Just take it slow.

You both know your way back home. And when the time is right and when both of you are ready, you'll eventually find yourselves in each other's presence.

Keep growing 🌻

-Alethéia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (5)

Here I am

risking all the possibilities

even though there's no certainty that this will last

still, I'm willing to put down one of the walls that I've built

the wall that guarded my heart while it heals

the wall that I have kept strong for a very long time

and the only reason why I'm willing to put it down - brick by brick

is because there's a faint light that escapes through it

the light that made me see through the darkness

the light that lingers hope

the light that warms my heart

the light that made me free

and that's you.

- Alethéia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (4)

This is one of those days wherein everything comes in and they shut me down, literally.

I wanna cry but I can't.

I wanna scream but I can't.

When everything doesn't feel right, I find myself sitting in a corner, staring for hours, and just letting myself to feel all the pain though I don't know what's causing me to feel it! You know, they just appear suddenly, then the cycle begins.

Everything comes in. Mood swings. My senses shuts down. Let everything to consume my sanity. Pain and everything in mixed. Wakes up from that deep thinking of nothing. Suddenly feel energized like as if nothing happened. Everything comes in. (and repeat).

There are times that I wanna hurt myself, like I just wanna stab my brain for not knowing the reason why I'm experiencing all of these!

Actually, it's not just pain; that everything are mixed emotions, to exclude happiness or any of its synonyms.

I don't know if I'm having depression but I think I am.

I am being like this for over a year, though I have also been experiencing lots of these before but, it just got worse. It started after my surgery. I do not know if my illness is causing me this, and the fact that I feel vulnerable everytime I am involved in a conversation, especially when it comes to my illness or my past medical history of different illnesses (I am that weak and sickly child then, y'know, well until now).

Yes! To be honest, I feel vulnerable when the topic regarding my present illness comes in or anything that is related to it. It's not life threatening tho but I could still die if it is left untreated, and the fact that it's really hard to get sick during this times because of the pandemic. I can't have my check ups even though I wanted/needed to; the fact that we are poor so we can't afford to get sick, but we or I still do. But I know that what I am feeling right now is not just directly related to that thing but a LOT of other things.

I am a medical student and yet, I can't even do what is medically right for me, how ironic!

I just hope that everything will be okay, soon.

Hold on and BE BRAVE!

-Alethéia

[adalheidisme]

Just random stuff (3)

For over a year of being at home, I had few discoveries of myself, and that includes my skills in arts - that had been kept "untouched" for a veeeery long time.

I started drawing as early as 5 years old I guess? My first drawing that I can remember was a cat, and drew it behind my picture when I was in nursery school. I still remember that my mother draw a cat first and then I copied it.

(My mom's drawing was the cat on the right, and the rest was mine).

When I was in fourth grade, I had a classmate who is really talented and really good in arts and I used to watch her while she's drawing or sketching something. I still have kept that Brats-like drawing that she drew in my notebook before, and I had cut and pasted it in a different notebook (found it!).

From then on, I built an interest in arts, and eventually, fell in love with it.

I remember that I used to draw in my notebook before, during, and/or after class, and also in my room if I had nothing to do or whenever I feel like it (and I'm still doing this rn). When I was in fifth grade, I am joining contested events about arts such as cartooning and painting. I still remember that painting event wherein my teacher told me that I will be the one to represent the school, and I said yes, even though I still do not know how to paint that time (it was my first time to paint). The event was all about abstract painting, and my entry was fishes that formed into a big fist lol, and guess what, I didn't have any place, even just for a consolation prize. Whenever I remember that memory, I'm laughing at myself because the sight of my painting was still clear on my mind that I still feel a little embarassed because THAT WASN'T EVEN AN ABSTRACT PAINTING IN THE FIRST PLACE and my teacher didn't told me so lol. Though, I'm still grateful to have an amazing experience. The same teacher let me joined again an arts contest regarding saving the environment in our municipality and won a cash, though he got half of my prize, LOL again. I remember being happy when our neighbor told my aunt that my work was displayed outside the municipal hall huhu, that was an achievement for me and I was silently celebrating inside my heart. And I also have a memorable experience during that cartooning event (about the addition of 2 years in high school) wherein I was the first or second to finished, and won a cash prize being the third, and that was the time that I have had my second crush (he was also one of my competitor that time and the first place). I still had a crush on him during first year college (since we are in the same school) but I "uncrushed" him when he unfriended me on facebook lol. Those were few of my memories when I was in primary school that were art-related.

In secondary school, I was also joining contested events in arts but just rarely. My memorable experiences was during junior high school, I joined a slogan contest and represented the high school department (since our school was a university and/or a joint high school/college whatever-you-call-it-type of school), and our Dean (and our professor in Biology) that time had told me (in front of the class) that I nearly won if I haven't had that small mistake - that tudlukan. I have never been embarrassed while laughing inside in my whole life except for that moment. That was pretty hilarious and I will never forget that lol. And when I was in senior high school, the time that I won the slogan contest (for the third time that year), since I didn't want to go up on the stage to get my prize 'cause I was shy that time that my friends had to pull me to go on the stage until my wrist became swollen lol (we were outside the comfort room on the first floor of the SHS building that time), somebody had to get it for me HAHAHA. I still had lots of hilarious experiences and even heartbreaking ones but if I share it in here, I think there'll be no enough space.

And now that I'm in college, I haven't entered in any contested events regarding arts yet (and I'm not planning too), because of tons of things to prioritize. Even before the pandemic started, I am still doing arts, and the first time that I showed it to the class was when one of our requirements in a subject was to share to the whole class (before the class starts) our talents. And what I did was to paint and recorded it, then showed it to them. Funny thing was the sound system didn't worked that time so they watched it plainly, and it was very awkward for me LOL. Imagine watching a fast forward art process without any background sounds/music, BORING! Though I'm still thankful that they appreciated it. They also asked me if what was my inspiration behind my work, and I told/explained to them the recent Amazon fire that time since my painting was really inspired by that event (it looked like this: four boxes in an illustration board, first box was tall green trees, second box was the ocean with silhouettes of water animals, third box was gray and black mountains, and the fourth box was orange to red mountain on a sunset), and it was like a shambled phases of before, during, and after a fire. That painting was kept in our dormitory, and I forgot to bring it home.

And now that the class has ended temporarily, I am able to enhance my skills in art. I even challenged myself to draw a self portrait and I'm really amazed by my improvements. I am so happy for my little improvements every single day. Hoping that soon, I'll be able to bring my art works into peoples' hearts and homes.

(just few of my works using graphite/charcoal pencil)

-Alethéia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (3)

All this time, I thought I am already capable of handling my demons by accepting them but, I thought wrong.

From the past few weeks, I didn't have any anxiety attacks or any depressive thoughts, and I'm having good times with my family. During circumstances when I think how happy I am, my mind is finally calm and my heart is at ease, and these very moments gave me hope that I am really becoming more mentally and emotionally stable.

But, it's all a facade.

A few weeks earlier, I said that in order for me to defeat my demons, I need to accept them, and what I've really been doing is the exact opposite of it, deny.

I am denying them by creating these set of facades just to tell myself that I am overcoming my demons, but what's really happening is that I am just convincing myself to deny them by indulging myself from things that can make me temporarily forget them. I was putting on these series of masks, yes, I was masking myself to keep my eyes off from the truth.

But my eyes still saw through the masks that I've created.

Last night, I was shocked that my eyesight suddenly became blurry and I felt warm liquids fell from my eyes down to the bridge of my nose, and then I found myself sobbing.

That's when I realized that I was just fooling myself into believing that everything is already under control.

Until now, my heart is still heavy and my mind is already in chaos. And I am trying my best to not drown my pillow again, though I know that any second from now, I'll be welcoming my tears.

I am really hoping that I can talk to anyone about these but I am thinking "what will I tell?", yeah, I know that I won't be able to tell what I really wanted to tell in the first place because I can't put my thoughts into words, and besides, letting others to listen doesn't guarantee my healing.

What I was really hoping for is just time with someone to accompany me to watch sunsets and the appearance of the stars.

Yes, I can't deny that today's sunset is very pretty and the fact that the moon was shaped into a wide smile, it's as if it knows what I am dealing with; even the moon is capable of tricking me.

But please, stop tricking yourself.

-Alethéia

[adalheidisme]

Just random stuff (2)

The moon, wind, and clouds gently embraces me.

Despite of being so busy this past few weeks, I finally find time for myself,

JUST FOR MYSELF.

We'll be having our research defense tomorrow so this is

a calm before a storm.

Well, I want to breathe first before letting the stress to consume me again.

b

r

e

a

t

h

e

What a beautiful night to be alive 🍃

- Alethéia

[adalheidisme]

me rn

i am tired please give me my degree

[adalheidisme]

Just random stuff (1)

Sometimes, I'm wondering if "am I the only one who will take weeks or months or even years to forget (not totally) about:

someone who showed a little act of kindness like offering a seat in any public transportation/places; or

someone who messaged me once and then will go over and over that conversation even if doesn't make any sense at all; or

someone who reacted on my profile picture, once; or

someone whom I made an eye contact with and then smiled; or

someone who says 'thank you' when you showed a little act of kindness as well?"

Majority here, I'm talking about that "someone" as the "guys". Well, I also couldn't easily forget about those people who do showed kindness (girls and guys), but most of the time, it's the "guys" that I really can't easily forget. Hilarious.

It's really funny to admit but I got attracted too easily.

It will really take time for me to get over with any certain event/s or guys that made my heart skipped a beat.

Say for example, I had a recent "heartbreak" experience wherein one of my online friends messaged me, saying "hi". My first bodily reaction was of course, the typical me, having slight tachycardia, and I waited for I think 15 minutes to reply and of course I used that 15 minutes to really compose a response since I wouldn't want to say "hello" as a reply because that's too obvious that I wanted to have a conversation or interested (but that time I really do, however, my gut told me that I shouldn't) (and just an addition, I also reply "hello" sometimes just to sound "approchable" but I do mean it, sometimes).

So, I'll continue. After composing my reply, I just copy and pasted it from my notes to our chatbox.

I replied "you seem like a good person with good intentions, but it's a no" (straight to the point) "your family and mine are very close (besides he's my cousins' cousin so, cringed) therefore I don't think and feel that it's alright" "we're not meant for each other" "haha good night" - something like that.

I was actually trembling because of shame while sending those messages. And after minutes of waiting, he replied "what do you mean" and something like he really doesn't understand what I just said, though it's crystal clear already that I don't like him (but the truth is I was really waiting for him to message me since the day that he sent me a friend request, I think that was 2 years ago?). And the conversation went on but I kept on ignoring him.

But ever since that day, I repeatedly stalking his profile even if there's nothing interesting. He's actually an average guy but I think he's a hardworking man and he really have plans for his future (bad thing I wasn't included, kidding).

Just this morning, I saw his story that he's with the same girl just as the other day and his caption was something like "no judging" because they're not in some kind of relationship, but his caption in their picture today was "you're all I ever need ❤️".

Like, I thought there wasn't anything going on between you two?

I was slightly "hurt" though I'm thankful that I followed my gut. I also waited (once) for a sign that if he will going to message me again one more time, then I'll give him a chance. Voila! The next day he sent me a message. And I decided to finally talk to him and our topic was "nonsense" like my course and birthdays, and it stopped with "okay". Done.

That was already a red flag girl! You think he's really interested in you if he's just texting you once in a while and barely making any effort?

NO.

This is a lesson for me.

Don't get too attracted/attached easily.

Just wait for someone who's worth a broken heart (kidding again). It should be:

Someone who's worthy of my heart.

Someone who will keep and protect it.

Someone worth the wait.

And most specially,

Someone that the Lord had prepared for me.

Therefore, while waiting for that man, make sure to

take care of your heart.

- Alethéia

[adalheidisme]

An open letter (2)

It's been a while.

These past few weeks, I've been very busy with my studies and as well as finding myself.

I'm still lost.

And right now, I'm currently battling with my anxieties.

It's hard to get up every morning when your heart is heavy, and even harder to go to bed when the voices are dragging you down, keeping you from shutting your eyes, stealing your peace.

I wanted to hate them but I can't. I just can't.

Why?

Maybe because they're already part of me.

And I think, what I can do is to just live with them, embrace them widely, accept them as they are.

This stanza of the poem (on the video) I wrote before was originally made for someone I once love. And now, I think it's not for him, but it's really intended for today's realizations...

Getting over with my anxieties.

I've been in a lot of episodes of mental and emotional break down, I just don't show and tell it to my family and friends because I don't want them to be worried of me.

I've been keeping these demons all by myself.

But you know what's the bigger realization?

Those demons are all me.

I've been denying them over and over that's why they got stronger.

But I already know how to defeat them.

Acceptance.

Once you let the fear to consume you, eventually, you'll be able to accept it, slowly but surely.

That's what I want to remind to myself, to keep me sane.

Now, I'm sure now that OUR STORY WILL END. Soon.

Because I know that He is with me.

- Alethéia