adamthursday

[adamthursday]

update part 2

i did get over her :) took a bit tho

[adamthursday]

update 2/26

life is weird. i got what i wanted, everything and more, and its really hard to say if this is what i needed. being in college, i don't even feel like a student. i go to class yeah, i take tests yeah, but i don't study for shit and make straight C's without even trying, knowing i could really do better if i tried, but i don't. i can't help but wonder if this is what i'm meant to do. so what i get a degree, i don't even think that's what i really want, but i don't even know what i want. i think im trying to keep up with everyone else in a sense that i'm living the way everyone else should live. but the feeling of an outsider never went away with me being submerged in a university of thousands upon thousands of people. i got a job, i'm a gardener for the college i go to. and it really feels great being that. creating things that last. not for the short term but for the long term. like just the other day, i planted 11 trees. a mini forest. i did that. that's pretty cool, and i can't even tell myself that it isn't. maybe it'll even out all the bad i've done in this life if i could contribute to nature. maybe it will help my soul. more than ever, the isolation presides over me like a dark cloud. it was once what i wanted, but now i know it's not what i need. but little by little, i think i'm bettering myself in the way i want to. i see a little light at the end of the tunnel, even though some days i want to smash my head on a wall over and over and over and over again. even though the most beautiful people surround me on a day to day basis, i stay reserved- i still think of her in some way. but not the way i used to. i hope shes doing okay. anyways, that about wraps it up for now. it's time to get serious, i guess.

[adamthursday]

sometimes i just be driving and shit and sigh then say to myself “damn i’m never gonna get over her” then play some lil uzi

[adamthursday]

body dysmorphia in the form an image of myself in the worst way. im scared of it. im too anxious to leave the house because i think i dont look good enough to go out to society. what the fucks wrong with me

[adamthursday]

i think where i went wrong is i tried finding myself without living a little bit. for a normal person, they live through their life and the events change them as they grow older year by year, they go to college right out of highschool, get a degree, fuck up somewhere because everyone fucks up. but they learned themselves through what life taught them because they lived a little. me being held back in my hometown for 3 years sucks but by next fall i will be able to transfer to a college. 

[adamthursday]

i keep thinking about what i will say the next time i see her. never date someone you work with (!!!)

[adamthursday]

i hope to be important someday. or important to somebody. either or

[adamthursday]

where i am

hi there, can i describe to someone where I am right now? i don’t know this feeling or if anyone else feels the same, but i wake up in the morning not knowing what to do with my life. i fill my days with distractions all the way to morning up to sun down. i don’t feel real. i feel depersonalized and i when i see myself in the mirror, i question what i see. is that me? i feel so alone. i cut off everyone in my life. nobody is close to me. even my family. i distance myself from anything that could involve feelings or a relationship of any sorts. i’m afraid of attachments. the only time i felt something was when i was in a relationship with this girl. i saw the world through her eyes and for once in my life i felt like i belonged somewhere, or was even noticed by the entire world. i wish things could’ve been different with us. the thought of her makes my stomach drop. i fear her to an extent. she was the first person to give me fluttering butterflies, but soon those butterflies turned into dead moths. she scares me, because she was the only person i let my guard down to and was vulnerable with. she showed me  a world i had never seen or felt before, and i ruined it because i’m broken on the inside. my days are filled with nothingness and emotionless events that i forget about the next day. i feel nothing. but i feel everything. i hate my head. i hate my body. i hate myself so deeply that i played a part in someones pain, rather it be my own. i don’t feel real. ever since i ended things, i’ve tried becoming someone. i stopped my drug abuse that arised in highschool. i took out all the negative influences in my life. i work on my health and body every single day. i have a fucking american psycho skin routine. for what? just to be too self conscious to leave the house some days. i don’t care about anything. but the only thing i want to care about is how she’s doing, but she hates me. i told her i’m not mature enough and i haven’t lived long enough to truly love someone. i don’t even know what love feels like. i told her that someone could love her the way i believed she wanted to be loved. but i don’t know how i want to be loved. im a selfish fuck that can’t draw the line between caring for myself or caring for others. she haunts me. i dream about her from time to time. the last dream i had was that i was hugging her, but she didn’t hug me back. i don’t know what to think of it. she was my first everything. i’ve thought about her every single day since that day. i couldn’t look at her when i told her we aren’t good for each other. i feel like such a fucking bitch all the time. i hate myself. i don’t know how to move forward. why don’t i feel real? they say an addict doesn’t reach out for help until theres no more possible options, and i guess this can be my outlet for the way i feel. i hope that someone can come along and give me their two cents on me. i want to feel real again. thanks for reading