addyhan

[addyhan]

CHANCE

Trigger warning: blood and a lot of sui thots

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"Can't you just let it go y/n?" for the nth time. I can see the disappointment in his eyes. This is going on for what? 3? 4 days straight? Can't really count how many days has he stormed in our house and be pissed at all of the little things. Guess he's just too tired and pressured from practice. That's what I believe.

"I'm sorry" I said, while clutching my shirt and smiled a little at him, to maybe lift the mood up. And for the nth time, I made a mental note on what I have done wrong again. Another sigh was heard from him. His disappointment apparent through the way he moved. Why can't I just let it go?

"How's practice?" I know what happened in practice but I want to hear it from you. I want to hear the excitement from your voice again, sick of hearing the worst tone that you used again and again these days.

"It was fine"

"Nothing significant happened?"

"None"

"How about your new song? Have you---" scraping from the chair that you pushed back stopped me. Did I go far? Is that a sensitive topic? Did I do something wrong again? Is he disappointed?

"I'm finished."

"Oh. Already?"

"I'll go shower and sleep. I'm tired"

"Okay. Goodnight"

I decided to leave it be, for now. Maybe he's just having a bad week. I stand up and gathered my plate and walked to the kitchen to wash the dishes. While cleaning the dishes. A sudden thought came to me. I know I did my best why is it like this? But was it good enough?

I stopped in my stracks. Was it good enough? Leave it be y/n. You'll go back there again. I continued washing the dishes. Maybe I'm just tired, I tried to convince myself.

Once done with the dishes, all the activities I have done earlier made it's toll on me. The aftermath making me feel too tired to move. Maybe I should just sleep, that would make me forget it. But the thought keeps on spiraling in my head while walking to our bedroom.

But was it good enough?

I entered our room and was greeted by his sleeping form on our bed. I *argued* whether or not I should take a shower. But my body has decided already. No shower it is. Thankfully, it is not a hot night and the AC is on.

I curled up in my side of bed hoping to catch the sleep that is well deserved. But the thoughts keeps on rushing back.

You did something wrong

He's going to leave you

You're not good enough

You're a waste of space

Fuck. I just wanted sleep. My mantra automatically repeated in my head, it will all go away. I hugged my pillow tighter while I keep on hearing those words mixed with my mantra.

You don't deserve this

You're not good enough

Why can't you just leave?

Stop the pretending already

I got up and walked towards the bathroom. This would all go away y/n. Don't mind them.

Bitch, why can't you see you're not meant for him?

No.

He's going to leave you

No.

You won't succeed, you know?

NO. STOP IT

YOU'RE SUCH A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.

YOU MAKE EVERYONE DISLIKE YOU.

YOU ARE A GOOD FOR NOTHING BITCH.

YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS LIFE.

YOU'RE NOT WORTHY. YOU'RE JUST DELUSIONAL

JUST STOP IT

At the end of the debate going on inside my head. I found myself at the kitchen floor, crying. Why can't I just be normal? When can I be not broken? Should I just leave?

Tears won't stop coming. The emptiness keeps on spreading. The hurt it my chest slowly goes numb. Will I ever be okay again? Will this end?

I tilted my head and sighed. I won't be okay. I know how too end it. I looked at the counter tops. A knife sitting on it, forgetten to be tucked away. Dangerous ideas popped into my head.

You should just end it

No. Many would be hurt

Maybe just a little scratch

He'll be disappointed

He's disappointed now. Why not push it to the limit?

He won't like that

Have you forgotten the feeling

Suddenly I remembered the feeling of aliveness when I did that. I craved it in these moments. I know this isn't right and it isn't healthy. But what can I do? This is the only coping strategy I know that would work now. Nothing is going right, might as well just do this.

I picked up the knife and examined it. Fascinated by the sharpness it contains. I position it above my wrist and start to do it.

Red. Dripping in the sink.

Red. It was fascinating to see that color but not feel terror.

Red. The pain reminds me. I'm still alive, till when?

Gripping the knife a little more tight. I wash it. Washing all those impurities it had made contact with.

"Y/n?" The fear crept in to me when I heard my name being called. It had me frozen with anxiety and fear. Footsteps approaching made me freeze.

Without thinking I dropped the knife and turned my back on him. He'll leave me. He won't want this.

"Why is the knife all bloody?" The question mostly directed to him rather than to me. The obvious was clear as day and he knows it. I don't want to look at him and seeing the disappointment again.

I turn around while looking down and tightly hold my wrist in attempt to stop it from bleeding. I don't want to cause him trouble on cleaning the mess I made.

"I don't want to cause trouble. I'm sorry for disturbing you. I'm so sorry. I'll leave quickly. You don't have to deal with me anymore, don't worry. I'll pack my bags and leave. I am so so sorry. I'll clean the mess once I finished packing" I attempted to go to his bedroom and pack my things, I need to leave before he rejects me. That's right, if I leave he can't reject me. That's a great plan y/n.

"Wait y/n" he grabbed my arm and spun me around. No. He's going to lecture me. He'll pointing out my flaws. The voices will be stronger again. He'll reject me. That can't happen. That won't happen.

"NO! LET GO! I HAVE TO LEAVE! LET ME LEAVE!" I trashed around but his grip is just to firm. No, I don't want to go through this again. I have to leave. I won't let myself go through this again. I flung my arms around. Hoping he'll let me go.

I grew tired, and the feeling of defeat consumed me. I won't win this time again. I slide down the tiled floor of the kitchen. Willing myself not to cry in front of him. Wanting to look a little bit strong even though I am not. "Just let me go. I'll leave immediately, you won't have to see me anymore. You won't have to deal with me anymore" I whispered, pretty sure he heard it. The next thing I knew, he's crouching in front of me.

No. It's the same. It will happen again. That should not happen again. I can't take anymore of it again.

You good for nothing bitch. Don't know where you're place is, don't ya?

No. No. No.

You plastic little bitch. Don't know how to behave.

Please no

You should've died. You waste of space.

You can't do anything right

Can't fight for ya self

I should've thrown you out

"NO! STOP IT! PLEASE! NO MORE! I DON'T WANT THIS. I don't want this, stop it" I gripped my head tightly. Wishing for all the voices to stop. They won't stop. I don't know how many hours or minutes I sat there. I just cried and cried till ai have no more tears. The hollowness still present. I sat there staring at the cabinets in front of me.

I was on autopilot. I stood up, walked towards his room and started packing. I don't know if he said smth or not. If he followed me or not. I don't know. I was tucked away, curled up in the corner of my conciousness. My body automatically responding to the danger. Fleeing from the terror that was brewing.

Once done packing, I stood up straight, grabbed my bag and made my way to the door. But was once again stopped by a firm grip on my arms. Shock, that was what my brain registered. His face was full of shock and fear. Slowly I was regaining my control. "Let me just leave and all would be solved" I stated weakly too tired from my previous actions and the loss of blood was getting to me.

Anger. The next emotion my brain recognized on his face. I was expecting it. With the way I behaved, he will surely punish me. I bowed my head in defeat. I won't get away with this. Maybe he'll end it once and for all. I did do a great amount of mistakes.

"YOU'LL JUST LEAVE AFTER ALL THAT?! WON'T YOU WANT MY SAY IN THIS?! I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE!" I knew it. I won't get away with it. He'll probably lock me up. My brain starts to think of the worst possible outcomes that can happen.

"We can talk about this. You need to talk to me y/n. You don't have to keep it to yourself anymore. You have me. You don't need to leave. I don't want you to leave. I need you" sadness. My brain recognized it from anywhere. Desperation, the tone of his voice contains a lot of it. Two emotions I can easily recognize from the amount of times I felt it.

I looked up and tears greeted me. Tears not from me, tears that are continously flowing down his cheek. Like a waterfall not ready to be stopped. He hugged me tightly as if I will vanish through thin air in a matter of seconds.

Hope. The feeling that was rarely felt by me. It was apparent froom the two of us. Strength, it continued to sprout every second he's with me.

"Talk to me. Please. I need you to talk to me" the weakness I heard from his voice knocked me out of air. And it came through to me. He's not going to hurt me. Maybe he can help me. He will, won't he?

"I don't know what to do" the roughness of my voice makes me cringe. But he doesn't care, he embraced me more tightly if that's possible.

"We can figure something out together. I just want you to talk to me. Please don't hide your worries from me. I can help you. I need you to remember that" love, the feeling that came through me. I love this person. Why would I ever think of leaving him? He understands me. I need to get a grip. We can work this out.

The hope continues to bloom. And the aftermath settled in. "I feel a bit dizzy." I stated, as dizziness continued to swirl in my head. Clutching my wrist I looked at him.

"We need to get you to a hospital. You've lost a bit of blood" panick starts to kick in, he's panicking. "I'm fine. Ii don't want to go to a hospital. Just help me bandage it up"

Love, as cheesy as it sounds, it was my way out. Strength comes with it. And a dash of hope and trust, I think we'll be okay.