adifferent--dimension

[adifferent--dimension]

in case of emergency

[adifferent--dimension]

covid19/4/8/20

dreamt that i had to “catch a shark” and bring it up the hole i walked into from the snow. it was a perfect circle hole.

one shark swam right under me, didnt attack.(it was a dark colored shark).

the dream felt very real and i was very afraid.

I remember volunteering and “getting it over with” to go back into my hole and catch my shark. The scene was off. It wasn’t the snow. It was carpet in a home space... near two bedroom doors. Those doors looked like the doors of my room and Maddie’s when we lived in Wynnfield Lakes.

eventually i caught a shark (i think). but i remember the end of the dream being in victory on a boat passing by other boats, one boat in which vicky, my cases group leader was on. she wasnt happy seeing me. 

“dreaming of catching a shark: it means that you will overcome a difficult situation you are faced with right now. you will soon defeat your enemies.” 

“if youre anxious or angry, you most likely will be dreaming of sharks.”

[adifferent--dimension]

covid19/apr2/2020/vl 1

“weve been instructed to be prepared to go remote in case anything happens,” my consumer behavior professor announced beginning of lecture. well, thatll never happened i thought to myself. but here we are. “spring break forever!”...

ive always enjoyed her class, she was young, smart, understanding and nothing short of a good professor in all aspects. since grade school, i knew i always liked school. as much as i found unf less intriguing, i do. miss. college.

its been about.. almost two weeks since i got laid off? i miss working, i miss my friends, i miss my routine. when i visited michiella and her family last december i remember saying, “dude this sucks i have to be on campus literally monday through thursday... everyday of the week basically.” i balanced school and work like no other. in the back of my mind i knew the future me would be so proud of her young self. 

i didnt like staying home to do hw and study, now im forced to. theres a line to get to trader joe’s lol. were living in a movie. dont know how much longer this is going to go... but maybe we do take things for granted. you took your busy life for granted, not all the way though. you appreciated it and it made you feel like a bad ass. 

the streets are empty. i havent even reached my one year mark with black sheep, but i felt like it was meant to be that i was there. everyone liked me despite everyones personal drama within each other. get off, get a shifty, talk about your shift, go to root down. if it was rough, id get a shot at wall street and go on with the night. my sister wouldnt understand that “lifestyle” or routine, but the service industry is different. drinking was our relaxation and escape. 

im taking four classes, pay my own bills and work 30+ hrs a week. i like to drink and i like good company. and i like this community. thats all gone. but did we take it “for granted” if we didnt know this crisis would come up? we were all doing the best we could. “now everyone in my family is officially unemployed!!! haha aint that funny” i chuckled in my head. oh, how the tables turn. and turn and turn. 

[adifferent--dimension]

8/27/19

- two sep miscarriages

- mama was sad and disappointed. Over it

- old condo

- bleeding

- dark room

- sadness

- calling for mama

- comfort

- lack

[adifferent--dimension]

letter to self for 2020

hi how are you

this is your first ever “letter to self,” let’s do this more often so you can reflect better on your growth. right now, 22 yr old you, smitten as hell with stone- someone who was always your crush is now your boyfriend. are you guys still together? how was his birthday? did you get even closer with his parents? did all, if not most, of the skeletons come out of the closet? or did you guys just break up. if so, i know you learned so much about yourself and gained a better understanding about love. right now, you are infatuated. you kind of always have been. remember when you were 19-20 and things didnt work out between you two but you told yourself you guys would be together in the future? well it fucking happened. if you are still with him, im proud and so happy for you. and if not, then i hope it ended the way you wanted to and you dont hold any resentment or bitterness. his family likes/liked you a lot. you knew it. since christmas. that whole month month of december was a rollercoaster. your aunt fucking died. your brother got married. your dad got into rehab bc he couldnt handle the painful death of his sister. he hasnt bugged you, at all. does it feel weird now? is he ok? what happened? he didnt die did he? hows mom? did michiella get to visit this year? hows her marriage? 

currently, you are at such a good state. im so damn proud of you despite your spending habits. you are on the verge of turning in your resignation. where do you work now? did wicked barley work out for you? it was time for you to leave bento, that was overdue so i hope you did it. are you still an opinions writer for spinnaker? i mean seriously, you continue to push yourself so much. i hope you continue doing that. good job. don’t be so fucking hard on yourself. 

how are keamy and mickey? your friends? how is keamy doing at UNF? i hope you never put stone in front of your friends first. you have been a victim of that and that was the last thing you wanted. friends first. how’s ariana holding up?

oooo, did you spend another christmas with stone’s family? did your acne get better lol? this letter is mostly going to be about stone bc you like him so damn much. but if you guys are still together, do you love him yet? how many fights? did he move out? does he know all your secrets? are you confident? are britni and zach still together? HOW WAS TAME IMPALA OMG. 

you miss your dad now that you’ve written of him. it’s been six fucking years. and you havent cried about him until now, after you’ve done your full skincare routine. did you tell stone your dad was in rehab? did you mom get married? why is this always a topic i never know whether or not to feel sympathy for or to leave behind. you love your parents, you know it. how is maddie and did she come back? talk to her. 

wherever you’re at right now, i am proud of you. you are capable of so many things, never ever let anyone make you feel like you aren’t good enough or take you for granted. you know what you are worth. keep striving.

xoxo

[adifferent--dimension]

not a dream 1/22/19

“you haven’t spoken to your father in weeks, a simple voice message is painfully difficult. why don’t you just do it? what does it cost? it isn’t that fucking hard, mellisa, you spend a disgusting amount of time on your phone anyways.” 

these exact thoughts circle my head at least once a day. walking to my car from my night class, i check the few unread messages from my dad. a GIF appears, it’s a “virtual hug.” i feel a lump in my throat, but i’m smiling at how delicate and innocent a simple GIF could be. 

a virtual. 

hug.

oh pa, if i could feel your hug right now, my heart would burst into a million pieces. the last time i felt your hug was at the airport, when it was my last goodbye to you. what i would do to hug, or hold you hand again. i miss you, i’ve missed you for five years.

why does it have to be this way?

i thought of you. last night. as i was puking in my toilet from all the alcohol i had drank that night, i have not had a sober night this year. i think of you, as a boy holds my hair to keep from falling into toilet water puke. somehow the memory of you helplessly passed out on the garage floor of our home appeared in my mind. 

where were you that night?

what were you doing?

how many have you had?

what was going through your mind?

let’s talk about it, only if you remember. 

[adifferent--dimension]

January 9, 2019

She was mad at me, upset, disappointed. We were out of town, on a bus but I wasn’t with her I was with Paula. And Tante Mirna sitting in the back of the bus, I chose to sit with her. I said, “do you wanna read the letter?” Oma had passed away. And somehow I had the letter Tante Nyoman wrote.. Mirna taps Nyoman on the shoulder and says, “kasar e.” Tante Nyoman seemed different. Taller, more poised. Wearing a slit long flower dress with her legs crossed. She had a black Lexus but she drove the burgendy Mercedes. She looked at me and I said I was sorry and I shouldn’t have shared the letter. I felt horrible, why did I do that?

The first dream I had of her was happier. We were at a huge dim sum place and the guy packing to go’s was so busy that she had stepped behind the counter to help him.

The rooms were creepy thought. Light blue, empty hotel-ish rooms. Why did I have this bad dream of her? Why was it of Oma? At one point I was sleeping on my back. I was trying to get Alvin to dream about her in hopes that the black glob would be an angel of her. It wasn’t it was the black thing.. and I stopped before anything was able to take over and I turned to my side.

[adifferent--dimension]

October 16, 2018

I got dropped off at Katrina’s house from a cool bar regular lady. One I had from last night. She drove a big SUV that scared me while we drove on a high height.

She dropped me off and it was early in the morning, the sun hadn’t come up. I went inside and was convinced the house was only haunted when I was there. The radio turned on by itself and wouldn’t shut off, none of the lights came on for me. Kuya JR woke up but he was in a bad mood and left immediately for work and didn’t say hello.

Katrina comes home from getting breakfast with Natasha who asked when I moved out. Jona came home, I didn’t say hi.

Katrina didn’t believe the house was haunted. She said I was being silly. Keonne was there.. he came to pick me up. We were still dating.

[adifferent--dimension]

November 28th, 2017

Michiella and I moved into a new, nice big house. No one else was in the picture. The house was similar to the one I live in now. I took a nap in the closet and it was like napping on top of a floating blanket under a deep dark lake/sea. I was afraid of drowning or that something would come hurt me from beneath.

Michiella came home from grocery shopping to me finishing putting up the Christmas tree, but I was putting it up in full tears.. she smiled and continued to help me trim the tree.

Also had a dream I was in an abduction trap on the top of a playground but I got out of it.

[adifferent--dimension]

8/23/2017

Wynnfield Lakes house, fighting late 3am. House was unusually messy. Confronted mama about her new boyfriend and how it's fucked up she makes fun of papa to her new boyfriend when he sends her pictures of what they used to be. Mama ends up getting very offended and we get into a huge fight. Red hair, workout clothes. My old room. All of us moving back in. Mama telling me Michiella was only able to get citizenship not me, she was going to change her name to Kayla. I got angry. Kept telling Maddie to get out of my room. The night ends and papa comes into my room as i'm folding my clothes. "Independent ya" he mutters under his breath as he walks away with his hands behind his back. then he walks up to me and says, "i hate to bring this up but your mom..." and i forgot what he said. something about her and her boyfriend.

[adifferent--dimension]

7/21/17

- water 

- fear of drowning

- mom driving, passing red lights (very unlikely, she is a safe and cautious driver) didn’t seem to care if we were to get t-boned

- competition 

[adifferent--dimension]

7/14/17

very vivid dream that felt real. i was going to jail for 8 years for shop lifting crab crackers (courtesy of boiling) from sams club. they knew i'd been stealing them for weeks but waited until i got to the amount for a felony.

[adifferent--dimension]

6/26/17

Why did we live in these small houses? These plastic houses? You have to crawl to get inside your house. My dad and I lived in the same neighborhood but I never visited him. So I did on accident one day. And he asked me to pay for Maddie’s school. I said no. It was strange bc I was talking to him by the door and I didn’t even bother coming fully inside to see him. I was also a cheerleader and my 3rd grade teacher was my coach. Everything was nostalgic to Kernan Middle School.

[adifferent--dimension]

4/13/2017

Death Grave Rain Mall Kelsey Vegan Same mall Tante Christine mourning death Seeing mom Crying Speechless in a store, on the floor

[adifferent--dimension]

I was interning for a really good hospital with really good and well known nearly famous doctors. One of my shadowings was watching a doctor (who looked like Annalise from HTGAWM). She took me into room that had a dead baby we were supposed to bring back to life. Under the bed I notice another baby, nearly dead and I bring it up to the bed, it was the baby's twin sister. We were supposed to bring both back to life. But the room didn't feel like a hospital room, it felt like a psych ward. The mother was mentally crazy. She felt no emotion towards the entire process. Under the bed, I noticed another baby. But it was already dead and positioned like it was still in the womb. I didn't say anything. So it was left still under the bed. Towards the end, the mother started going insane and throwing things, saying mean things. And crawling around the room. The babies were still dead. Annalise was sitting down, retouching her makeup as if seeing this wasn't anything new. The white famous doctor who was excited for me in the beginning walked in to check on us. That's all I remember

[adifferent--dimension]

1/27/2017

•Mickey and Keamy wanted to host a party at the house ended up going to bed early while everyone was still there all awkwardly sitting in different areas of house •I got mad and came in their room and told them to come back outside bc they were playing video games and being rude •Mama was there quietly sitting, I didn't acknowledge her much •Mickey's hometown friend Karen was there •80's setting in 5 Points •Stone and his mom waiting in front of PF for a ride whom she thought was us •Girl crying at my house party (not current house) I asked her why, she didn't want to answer •Random black people came and I was scared they were gonna steal •At PF with Michiella "hold on I have to go back to the school I left my gym bag there" "But what I don't know how this works" "I'll be really quick"

[adifferent--dimension]

9/30/16

We were at a Jags game tailgate (Bento). Berry was showing everyone that Justin could squeeze as hard as he could with one hand on Berry’s upper arm without it hurting at all. It was something they were oddly proud of. So he did it, really hard and then moments later Berry was telling Justin, “its hurting really bad man.” Next thing we know, his arm falls off and his bone was sticking out where it had broken off. Justin, him and I rushed to the ER, Justin was basically silent and guilty the entire time. What was really weird was that when I called 911 it took several rings to for someone to actually answer, I had to call more than one time. At one point a woman from another country answered but she sounded really attractive and I told her I had the wrong number even though it was clear I dialed 911. Justin was scared and then I concluded he probably just didn’t want to deal with Berry’s medical bills as the aftermath.

Suddenly we were at work with what seemed like a busy Sunday morning. All my tables were impatient and rude. My 303 said something rude to me and she then felt bad after I told her that I spent the day taking a coworker to the ER bc his arm fell of. She felt bad and I found her in the dry storage of BOH crying about how badly she felt for me and apologizing. 

Hyppo? Apparently I worked there, we were closing. The outdoor patio.