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lent day 44 -

its maundy thursday. the day jesus turned passover into the lords supper. the day he washed his disciples feet. the day he was arrested in the garden. he had just prayed for the whole save-the-world-by-dying thing to blow over. he wanted to live.

at the end of that prayer he prayed “not my will but yours be done.” signifying he was willing to do it even though he didnt want to.

in spite of my massive failures as a person i hold this principle as being one of the foremost of my faith. i long to be the person who can say and do the right thing even if i dont want to make the sacrifice it entails.

im a walking contradiction. i wish i was better than that but im not. im full of all the things the bible calls sin and if i had my way i would never change and never suffer any consequences for it but thats not how things work.

so here i am. some would say i am a lost man in a lost world. i guess i am. but i still have this silly hope in a better life and better days. and i hope i never lose it.

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lent day 43 -

the end is nigh.

but probably not. i mean i guess it could be but lets not attach way too much meaning to every passing comet.

the tendency of so many christians to read the bible like it was written to them and not the people who it was actually given to is just so much hubris on our part.

why would jesus say things to people who would never see those things happen? i think god is more purposeful than that.

although to be fair i fail to see a lot of purpose in the way everything is. so maybe i am wrong and those comets are the exhaust from the jesus rapture bus. but i seriously doubt it.

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lent day 42 -

israel means struggle. it literally means: wrestles with god. theres a lot of christians who are not israel. they dont struggle or wrestle with much of anything. at least not that they let anyone know about.

i struggle with everything. i wrestle with god all the time. i never win. ive been told thats the real victory but it feels pretty empty a lot of the time. so i feel a kindred spirit with jacob - the guy who became israel.

jacob was a jerk. he was a sheister. but so am i. jacob was dishonest. as am i. jacob had a stressful relationship with god. yep, me too. and yet i feel alien in just about every group of christians im around. which seems to mean either they arent israel or i dont understand anything.

im not saying anyone is or isnt saved or going to heaven when they die or whatever. just that being israel implies a struggle. so, maybe ive got it all wrong. maybe im disrupting gods smooth running master plan. maybe i need to shut up and fall in line.

but then i wouldnt be me. id be some little robot person, programmed to run quietly and efficiently in the background. i just dont think so. thats the story of my faith and doubt - always on the outside looking further out than the herd likes.

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lent day 41 -

i thought lent had 40 days. apparently this year it has 44. so i guess im not done yet.

yesterday was difficult. some days are. its in those times i really want my faith to mean something and for god to show up. but maybe god is just beyond my perception watching as i take my first steps. or learn to balance on a bicycle. or go on my first date.

im an adult. but spiritually im still an infant learning everything for the first time. and i think if i could keep that in mind things would probably go better for me.

babies are expected to fall down. teens are expected to fall down. young adults are expected to fail at things. why should someone my age be expected to have mastered everything? i havent. i dont know if i ever will. so i struggle forward for another day.

and i try to think of god as not in the picture for the sake of taking it.

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lent day 40 -

im not a good person. for all my faith and doubts i still make really bad choices that hurt me or others. maybe my biggest confession is that it doesnt really matter that i have some kind of faith because it hasnt made me a good person.

and who gives a shit about a persons faith when their actions are contrary to it? why should anyone listen to me say anything about god or faith or life or anything else?

and why am i still writing?

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lent day 39 -

yesterday i posted some dumb question online about memories people have of me. the answers went from simple to funny, and i tried to respond to all of them. one was about a night spent partying but thats all it said.

i replied that i didnt remember and the person then sent me a private message explaining in a bit more detail. a bunch of my friends and i had spent the evening drinking and partying. it went late into the night and ended up with me and this friend having beers in a hot tub and talking about philosophy.

apparently my drunk ass was the first person to ever tell this guy that maybe, just maybe, being kind to people is the most important thing. he then said its taken him a long time to realize that i was on to something and its changed his life.

i didnt have any faith at the time. i was basically agnostic. but even then i knew something true. which means maybe god was already involved in my life. or maybe not. maybe i just knew.

either way, moments like this dont really happen. but this one did and as i think about it im lost for words. i hope i have lived up to it in my own life.

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lent day 38 -

i love sunsets and dusk is my favorite time of the day.

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lent day 37 -

i dont know how much longer i will be alive. ive prayed for a certain number of years which i know seems stupid but as much pain as im in on a regular basis i would still like to be around to see my kids grow into adults and follow their adventures for a while before im done.

i know i have zero control over that and ultimately im just really thankful to have made it this far. i feel blessed in spite of all the chaos it took to get here.

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lent day 36 -

when i was a teenager i was taught that not only was god watching everything i did but in a way it was also being recorded and that on judgment day it would be shown in its entirety for all to see.

which scared the hell out of me. nevermind how boring most of it would be. i certainly didnt want anyone - including god - watching me all the time. i dont think anyone wants that.

and yet we live in a time when people are doing almost exactly that. because of our access to technology, we can video ourselves doing anything and chances are even if we arent videoing it, someone else might be.

but that leaves the question: is god paying attention to any of this? or to me? as scared as i once was about that idea ive come to a point where it almost seems like god isnt interested and is checking out something else somewhere else far away.

and even though ive done some pretty terrible things i think i would like to know that god is interested in me enough to at least look in from time to time instead of being an absent father.

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lent day 35 -

ive been told god will never give you more than you can handle. i seriously doubt this is true. not only is it not biblical, but at any given time there are people all over the world who have more than they can handle.

slavery still exists. rape is common and rarely prosecuted. murder is prevalent. theres people drinking latrine water because they dont have anything else. theres enough food in the world for everyone but not everyone eats and some starve to death.

where is god in all that? seems to me only wealthy people with few real problems could ever buy into such a bullshit idea as god not giving them more than they can handle.

on the contrary, i think most people have more than they can handle and that the way god might be present with them is through me doing what i can to be there or listen or help in whatever way i can.

so thats what i try to do.

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lent day 34 -

i think of all the things i doubt i doubt myself the most. i didnt always doubt myself though. there was a time when i was pretty confident that i could do or say or be whatever i wanted. but its been a while since that was true.

these days every idea, every thought, gets tangled and mangled in my head as i over analyze everything and end up dejected and sad.

i wish i knew the path that would take me forward and somehow reconnect me with that version of myself at the same time. i think it exists but i dont have a clue where to find it. or how to start looking.

wheres the mystery machine when u need it?

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lent day 33 -

ive never doubted sin. its been very consistent in my life. whether it was my own doing or someone doing something to me, its always been very clear to me that i do stuff that sucks and so does every other person ive ever met.

so even as i doubt god and jesus and forgiveness and everything else im still keenly aware that sin is a real thing. so how do we deal with that?

various faiths have their ideas for how to make amends. even people outside of faith can apologize and try to make right. and theres definitely value in that when and where it happens.

but no amount of apologies or confessions to other people has ever made me feel right inside. like my bad choices were really gone. or like i wouldnt make that mistake again. ive forgiven people, but that doesnt mean everything is back to normal.

sin has a way of burrowing. of digging in deep and extending its claws. apologies and confession are good and necessary but for that deep down sense of darkness and brokenness i think something else is needed.

and so, while i try to admit when im wrong and forgive those who do the same, i keep confessing to god as well - hoping for everything to be healed and made right. it doesnt always happen, but it has happened, and that gives me hope that it can happen some more.

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lent day 32 -

i love rain. thundering clouds and a good consistent downpour. the smell of the desert coming to life - sage and lavender mixed with creosote. such goodness.

these things help my faith.

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lent day 31 -

i dont know if i believe in the devil or demons. dont get me wrong, i believe there is evil in the world. and darkness. but i think it comes from us. from me.

the devil is such a mysterious figure though. i definitely dont buy the version of him most christians seem to believe in. the one who runs around tempting everyone and pulling strings behind the curtain to make us fail or whatever.

the devil in scripture is more concerned with kings and rulers than with people like me. and demons? i think of them more along the lines of the darkness each of us carries in our own hearts. like when alcoholics go to meetings and talk about their demons but they dont mean shadowy monsters, they mean their own dark thoughts and actions.

in other words i think we are far more responsible for our own thoughts and actions. if im tempted its because ive given life to thoughts and desires that i shouldnt have. ive chased after things in my mind that then want to come out.

and to be clear, my demons can seriously mess me up. and they do. but when it comes down to whats real and whats not, im the guilty party, not some horned beast hiding behind my dresser.

which makes confession all the more important. so, yeah, i confess i can be a nasty demon at times. and im sorry when i am. when i give in to my own darkness and think or say or do things that hurt others or even myself.

hopefully someday jesus will cast out my demons...

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lent day 30 -

prayer vexes me. the vast majority of christians i know seem to think of prayer as a wishlist and god as santa. ive known a few who viewed it differently but even then its all about spiritual warfare where we are supposed to be fighting back the devil and commanding demons in jesus name.

i know there is some precedent for this in scripture but as far as i can tell its a minor part of what jesus says or does concerning prayer. when he was asked he gave what we call the lords prayer as an example and it’s dramatically different from most of the prayers or teaching on prayer that ive heard.

and even though i know its not about this stuff, prayer is still a struggle for me. probably because i rarely feel anything when i pray. and maybe i shouldnt? i dont know. maybe im expecting too much.

i do pray though. it often looks more like an exasperated sigh than a request for something. my prayers are an expression of what im going through at any given moment. whether its joy or pain im likely to just mutter a sentence or two and then be quiet.

because i also think prayer is listening. although i dont hear very much these days. mostly silence. and thats what vexes me. why would god speak at one point and then stop speaking? that doesnt sound much like the relationship this is supposed to be.

still, i pray. and whether it reaches gods ears, or its just for me i feel like maybe theres some good in it. because i generally feel a little less tense afterwards. maybe thats nerves relaxing, or maybe its god speaking through my body. maybe i need to listen in a different way?  

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lent day 29 -

worship is a weird thing for me. i take it seriously because for the most part, when i feel close to god, its through worship. but i dont worship like a lot of christians do. i mean, i sing hymns when i attend services - or choruses or worship songs. whatever the church im at offers.

i get a bit more emotional during some songs than i do with others. but thats not the primary way i worship. in fact, even though i know plenty of christians who prefer one style over another, i have my doubts about whether or not most folks are truly worshiping god. a lot of times it seems like maybe theyre worshiping nostalgia.

but not once have i ever experienced a gathering of christians who stopped the song service or sermon to praise god when it started raining, even though all life depends on water. not once have i ever witnessed a congregation bow emotionally when a breeze picks up, even though we all depend on air to breath.

ive heard rivers and trees though. as water rolls over rocks and sings of the creator or as wind raises an ovation from the leaves. sometimes when i think about this i think maybe the various tribes of native americans had it right. and of course christians dont allow that. cant have anyone in the church finding truth outside of it.

and im beginning to think that while a lot of my doubts are about god and faith, a whole slew of them are about the way christians and the church act. because it seems incongruous with what seems only natural.

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lent day 28 -

sometimes i catch myself staring at something and slipping toward sadness. like im thinking about the thing but im grieving how meaningless it is.

it all circles back to that i guess. theres something that doesnt though. if everything is meaningless why do we struggle? as in, why do we try so hard to live if life has no meaning? and how do we even have any concept of meaning?

i know smarter people than me have tackled this and probably made better sense of it, but for me the fact that we know there can be such a thing as meaning and that we struggle against meaningless gives me some hope. makes me think theres more to it all.

i dont know why its so difficult to find meaning. like god is hiding with meaning in a closet or under a bed somewhere telling it to keep quiet so we cant find it. maybe it only comes to us after we give up the search, get on with living, and look back at how far we have come.

and it feels like im at the beginning of a journey that started a very long time ago.