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Accepted!

I just realized that I have been missing this exhilarated feeling when a journal notified you that your paper is accepted for a publication! YES!!! 

Also, it was nice to read out the congratulatory emails coming from my co-authors. Although this may not be addressed to me directly, since this is somebody else’s paper (one of the trainees’, but I was the one writing and running the analyses). But grand-mentor (my mentor’s mentor) sent a quick note thanking for my mentorship for the said trainee. I feel acknowledged. And less guilty for not being able to progress much with my dissertation. 

[added later] My primary mentor also sent me a thank you note. Which is nice.

This week is not turning so badly, and I am excited! 

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Deserted

Went to office for the first time since Jan 24th, so I haven’t been there more than 6 months. I was very emotional as I walked down the road that used to be packed with students especially during the Fall semester. And now it’s almost empty. Just saw some homeless folks scattering around the campus area, which is not a new sight, to be honest (GSU campus area is always occupied by the homeless population after dark). But that short walk from Peachtree Center Station to GSU police office (to pick up my office key) to Urban Life Building (where my office is located) really yanked me good. The walk made me realize how different my life in the US would be in the last few months of me being a PhD student. How I won’t have that excitement to go to my office each and every day and sometimes on Saturday too to work on my research or manuscript writings.

And my mentor just called me when I was in my office, the conversation went around like this: 

Mentor (M): Hi Argita, how are you? You’ve been awfully quite for the last few days. 

Argita (A): Hi, yeah I had midterm due last Friday so I was concentrating on that.

M: I see. Where are you now? 

A: In my office. 

M: Are you there for the first time since you’ve been back? 

A: Yep. 

M: How are you feeling? 

A: Emotional. Like, very emotional. I just realized how different my life would be now that I am back in the US. 

M: Yeah, it can be depressing to be in deserted campus area. 

A: But I managed to write two paragraphs for my discussion part. 

M: That’s great! 

And the conversation kept going on and on as we need to discuss a few things. But bottom line, I was just feeling super blue. I know that the whole COVID pandemic is unprecedented. But, it sucks to be in your last year of PhD study during this difficult time. 

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Am I a bad researcher?

I keep asking myself the same question whether I am a terrible global health researcher. Whether I am a bad student. Or a bad person in general. I am not so sure I know myself after getting through 10/12 months of my fellowship in this unknown land. 

Am I the reason or the source of every little mistake that we have in our study? Am I not capable in handling this project? 

I am tired.

Tired of being the scapegoat.  Tired of being blamed on every little thing.  Tired of being cornered.  Tired of being put in such difficult position.  Tired of being sneered at.  Tired of doing things that I am not supposed to be doing. Tired of not being able to defend myself.  Tired of trying to communicate softly but then received such harsh responses. Tired of trying to explain how to do my way (the better way) but got turn down because “IT IS SO COMPLICATED” for people here.  Tired of hearing that these people that I am working with are “VERY GOOD”, “VERY SMART”, “VERY CAREFUL”. 

I know that this entire adaptation with LMICs setting for my research is part of the global health research. That I have to learn how to do my research with such struggles. But, man this is harder than I thought. Especially if everybody has such a pride. And don’t want to admit that they could be wrong on something. 

It is like “Damn if I do, and damn if I don’t” situation. If I keep my mouth shut, the quality of the research or data would be terrible but I can avoid conflicts. But if I open my mouth, I feel like I am being attacked from every possible direction. And sometimes, I ended up losing anyway. It's like I can never win in this war. 

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Tongue Tied

I just need to get this out of my system. 

Awhile ago, I realized how hard it is to conduct a research in settings that you are not familiar with (i.e., the majority of cases in global health research). I think at some point I was feeling very tired. Tired of trying to communicate things when I don't speak the language and don't know how things work around my study site. 

But then in some occasions, it came down to me that in a way I feel like I am in Indonesia all over again when people could express “You’re not good enough because you are not a doctor (medical doctor)” in a very subtle way (but still hurtful). I take no offense because it is a fact, that I am not a medical doctor. But it then got me questioned myself as I am nearing toward the end of my PhD, and I still feel like I could not defended some of my solo fights: 

“Will I survive a life after PhD?” “Am I too driven by my ego in doing my research?”

Because it hurts when people think that your opinion doesn't matter. Especially when you are this far ahead with your study. Is my PhD program going to be worth it, then? 

I tried communicating this with my advisor, but I think I just made it worst! So I think I am going to shut my mouth up from now on. 

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Life Changes

I know it has been awhile I am not writing in my blog. Because there were so many crazy things that happened. So many things have changed. For instance, I am no longer in the US. I took a turn in my PhD journey. I decided to spend a year in Tbilisi doing my dissertation research. It was actually a very easy decision. Although I got to say that I made it blindfolded. I have never been to the Country of Georgia before. Not sure what to expect, how are the people. Heck, I don't even speak the language. But at that time, it seemed to be the most reasonable thing to do. It made total sense to go because I started my PhD with no access to data. I am not a US resident so applying for a grant is not an option for me, and yes, I am probably not there yet. I think the majority of times between submitting my application and receiving the final decision, I was filled with excitement. I remember I kept telling myself that this is a dream of mine (living somewhere that I don't speak the language of), and that I have to be grateful that I got the opportunity to live it. 

Fast forward, after three months in Tbilisi, and after a couple milliliters of fresh tears coming out my tear-ducts, I found myself to be very vulnerable here. I think this is the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my entire life. I am honestly tired, maybe not physically, but mentally, I am exhausted. With the adaptation, with the adjusting process, with the process of understanding how things work around here. With such a crazy regulations they have here that I just couldn’t understand. With the fricking peck-of-order in my host institution. Like the fact that the director requested me to report to someone in my institution about my research progress (biweekly) even though my research has nothing to do with this person. And when I reached out to her about scheduling a regular meeting, she didn’t even respond. And the other day the director questioned why I didn’t come to the weekly scientific meeting. I don’t fricking know that this meeting exists in the first place. Nobody told me that there is such a thing. And some people made it look like I don’t want to go because everything is in Georgian and that I already knew the topic of that week’s presentation. I mean, how is it fair? 

And then, there’s a problem of differences between me and my mentor here. I am not saying that she is not a good person, because she is a great person. It is just that sometimes she really sticks to the things she knows, it is so hard to accept my perspective. For example, when designing a data collection tools, she wanted me to format mine according to what she has drafted for her previous studies. But some things are not working out for mine, so what I have been doing is to follow her suggestions. And then send it to her, review it together, and slowly explain why things may not be working for my study. Then she will ask me to change my format but making it like it was her idea (even though it was originally my idea). I just can’t win with her. I am not trying to impress her or anything, or to make her think that I am such a bright student. But it is wasting a lot of my times with this entire process. 

I know that this shouldn’t be a big surprised. I mean with Global Health Research, this sort of things are expected, right? But I can’t stop myself from questioning whether it would be a better decision for me to go home to Indonesia instead. Or to detach my research question from my Matt’s. And probably a million more questions inside of my brain. 

It terrifies me that I am already exhausted when I am 1/4 way in to my fellowship year. I texted Krishna to look for a support statement, or whatever. I got some. He got me. And I am forever grateful that I have such a great friend that went through the same process. He understands. 

I guess, at the end of the day, I have to keep resining myself that this is part of the Global Health Research. This is part of the learning process. This is part of a great experience that I will harvest at the end of the day. 

On this day, Saturday, Oct 12th, I decided to give myself a treat. I went to my favorite cafe to write about this with a cup of tea and a croissant. I thought it probably helpful to pour my hear to someone or in this case something (blog) because I am feeling super saturated. I thought maybe writing things down might help me unload my heavy chest a bit. And I got to say that the OST of Amelie (OBC), is really helpful in my attempt to see things in a different perspective. Well, she definitely had a much more fun experience in Paris. But I am trying to live my best life here in Tbilisi, the Paris of Georgia (maybe?).

And Argita, don’t be scared! Don’t give up easy. You just need to keep pushing through, and you will see that you can make it to the top. 

Sincerely,  The better side of your brain.    

P.S., to those of you who might be interested in take a quick listen to Amelie’s songs, here you go: 

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B... is short for “Be fine with it”

I know everybody keeps telling me:

“Nobody will look at your GPA after you get your PhD”, or “It’s the learning processes that matters more”, or “It is the number of publications that will help you land an assistant professor position”

But hey, sometimes you’re just being a human. You’re just a creature that simply can’t escape from this very humanly emotions called “disappointment” and “satisfaction” and probably some other feelings you might have if you know that you are not doing very well in your test or whatever you’re doing in life. 

For me, yes, I experienced that kind of feeling multiple times. I feel disappointed to myself that I can’t score better on my test. Or that I am sad that I can’t finish some things that I initially started because I am severely overwhelmed. And sometimes, I just feel dissatisfied on the final product of my research/analysis. 

But I think I am getting better and better and this. At managing my own feelings. And not kicking myself too hard if things don’t go quite as planned. 

I counted so far I received three Bs during my PhD. 1 for Biostatistical Methods I class, 1 for my theory of health prevention class, and the latest addition is from the Analytical Foundations of Epidemiology (from hereon will be referred as “CRAZY EPI class”). And I keep telling myself that it is alright. Even a student as brilliant as Elizabeth Rhodes that went to Brown and Columbia received several Bs in her Emory PhD transcript. If she is fine with it, I should be fine with it. 

And yes, I decided to be fine with those Bs. It will spice my transcript a bit. And I remember Shannon (my instructor for the doctoral seminar class) once said: “Getting Bs are the proof that you are indeed a PhD student”. 

So if another B is waiting on your horizon, “B fine with it!” 

 Happy final week, people! 

Oh, and here’s what make me feel a lot better after that CRAZY EPI TEST (sorry about the messy photo edit, still busy with exams so couldn’t do it properly): 

Other students may score better on their tests, but here’s what I know for sure: I published more papers than any of my classmates in that CRAZY EPI class. 

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Things I wish I could tell people about my PhD

I like this song, since it was first released. Not for any particular reason, but because it is just a beautiful song. Period. Until very recently, when something big, something surprising came hit me, that I can finally appreciate every word that Maggie wrote in this song. 

I thought I was well-prepared when I first started my PhD back in 2017. I thought that I have talked with enough people about the bitter-sweet of being in a PhD program. That I can anticipate anything that would come my way. 

Apparently, I am not. I am not that prepared. I am not that strong. I am not that clever to see the signs. I am not that intuitive in connecting the dots. Until I retrospectively assessed every little clue that were just lying out there the whole time, right before my eyes. 

I broke down. I cried for two or three or four days in a row. I don’t know anymore. It is hard being in the dark. And It is depressing not knowing things right now. I feel a little blindsided. I feel betrayed. I am terrified. And most of the times I just feel sad.  

But then I realized that it is not fair for me to feel that way. It’s not fair for me to hold someone down for my own benefit. So I decided to write that one email (this was Monday night - April 29th), sent it around 9 pm. Tell him how sorry I am about my instant reactions. Explaining the reason why I cried in front of him in the first place. Explaining that I don’t want him stuck with this image of me being very selfish. Explaining that I understand his decision. And that I am happy for him. Of course he wrote back, very beautifully (this was the next morning - Tuesday, April 30th). And it made me cry even harder. He promised that we will figure this out together. Assured me that there is going to be a way out of this. That he is still committed to get me to the finish line. 

(Talking to myself as I am crying writing this post down) “Oh my god, this is getting ridiculous. I have to stop being so emotional over this. Everything will be okay, Argita! Everything will be okay. And just listen to Maggie Rogers. If there’s no other way, it is okay. You will be okay. He said he will leave his light on, so keep your light on!”

And Maggie, thank you for writing this song. I am still a complete mess, but this song has been very helpful for my self-healing attempt in the past couple of days. 

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My Greatest Heartbreak

It is funny that my greatest heartbreak (by far) is not over some cheesy romantic story or any of my failed attempts on relationship. I can’t say much. Not now, and not until the next couple of weeks, I guess. But it is definitely related to my PhD. I have talked to two people so far, but it just doesn't make me feel any better. I mean, I know it is a bit embarrassing crying in front of both of them (and Matt). And I know, that I might be overreacting over things. That at the end of the day, everything will be ok. But it just freaked me out not knowing things right now. And it just shook me to the core. Everything will change!!! And I am questioning myself if I am going to make it to the finish line. 

God help me! 

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Nice...

I know I have been telling everybody that my PhD advisor is nice. But seriously, he’s just so nice I just can’t imagine working with somebody else (post PhD). 

For example, last week we ran into each other in Panda Express’s line (he apparently just got back from Walgreens, buying some treats for Epi 2 students who were having their midterm that day - proof 1 that he is nice), and he said he will buy me lunch (I was right ahead of him in the line - proof 2 that he is nice). I am not sure what is the occasion, really. Is he buying because I FINALLY submitted a drafted manuscript for our Taiwan analysis the day before? Or is it him just being nice?

Second, he bought us (me and another PhD student) a chocolate croissant earlier this week (Tuesday). He would normally do this whenever we are facing midterm/final week. But I won’t have my midterm until next week, sadly. But again, nice!  

And today he just came over to my office, and said  “I just wanted to say hi, and I am sorry about Wednesday if in any way I came across like I was discouraging your NHANES analyses. That was never my intention. I just wanted you to step away from your analyses because I know you have been working very hard on this in the past couple of weeks. And to me at least, sometimes it helps to step away from my analyses if I am stuck and come back again with a set of fresh eyes. Your table looks great, and it is ok to report null finding. We just need to decide the key message that we want to convey in the body of the manuscript.”

See? NICE! 

Backstory: we had a discussion on Wednesday about my analyses, then I doubted if the results that I have can only be transportable (and not generalizable) to our target population. So we discussed about the weighting and the effect of it to my measures of association. He told me to just go with the analytical notes for NHANES analyses, but I found that the weighting variable can be very problematic (I think because I don’t know the math behind it). So, he’s right all along. But I am just glad, I finally found a way to prove the generalizability of my results with some additional analyses.

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EPI 731 is kicking my butt

I didn’t realize what I have gotten myself into. But after 4 weeks of class meeting (I think this week marks the 4th week), I am completely at a lost. There were moments (multiple times) where I will be zoning out during the class meeting. Mainly because I was not prepared for that day’s class. And it is not because I am not reading the class notes ahead of time, it is just the questions that were being asked that throw me off, as my brain is programmed as “you don’t have to memorize the formula, Argita!” during my training here at GSU. But it is different there. It is a completely different world out there. You have to know what is the PDF of an exponential distribution on top of your head, for example. 

And I feel like such a failure, because sometimes I just don’t get the homework’s questions. Kristin, the MD/PhD student comforted me the other day that Emory’s students are struggling with Epi 731′s homework. So that’s a bit of a relief. But I am not happy with myself right now. I feel like I am the stupidest person in that class. And this fuels my anger towards my program sometimes, as I keep telling people that we are not appropriately trained for Epi in this school. I need theory of probability course. I need causal inference course. 

So yes, this is (I think) the first class that I found myself struggling. I can’t even imagine what the midterm/final exam would be like. 

Help!

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The biggest and worst PhD nightmare

YOUR COMPUTER CRASHED AND YOU HAVE THE DATASET (OF A PROJECT THAT YOU ARE WORKING ON) SAVED IN THAT STUPID CRASHED COMPUTER!!!

Jeez, I mean seriously Argita? Have you ever heard about “backing up your data”? Yes, yes I did! But it my defense, I did try! It’s just that the files are too big (30GB) and I had a problem when copying one of the data that is 5 GB to my portable ultra disc. Ugh, this is the worst nightmare. I had to explain to my advisor why I didn’t make my own deadline. I felt terrible! 

And finding a computer service here in the USA is not as easy as finding one in Indonesia!

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Georgia...!!!

Folks, it looks like I am going to go to (the other) Georgia next fall!!! It’s not official just yet, but a BIG birdie (my mentor) told me that my application is highly favored!

Ahh... I couldn’t thank Mark enough for saving the fate of my application (it was sent to the wrong portal)!

I am super excited to start a new journey in my PhD...

2019 is going to be great!!!

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New writing spot: Georgia Tech’s Newest Library

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(PhD) Life Support

I am writing this because I need a constant reminder that I have such great supports during my PhD (personally, academically, and professionally). And for those, I am forever grateful. However, I also have to remind myself that it is NOT ENOUGH just to be grateful. I have to work very hard so that I will not disappoint those who have put their faith in me. I have been receiving a lot of great offers from my Emory team mentors, and I am not even a student there. 

For example, Dr. Magee told me some months ago that Dr. Blumberg would love to have me as one of lead mentors for the new Georgia trainees. Of course I blurted “Do you think I am ready?” out to Dr Magee. He said “Absolutely!”, so I am going to trust his gut on this.

Dr. Kempker also mentioned that I could use his data if I want something for my winter break project (this was not happening as I recused myself from working harder than anybody else in my cohort). I regretted it, big time. 

And just last night, Dr. Magee emailed me saying that Dr. Blumberg is willing to send me to Georgia to attend the Georgia-Emory TB Research conference in June should my Fogarty VECD fellowship get funded (come on VECD). 

So, Argita, you better get yourself together and prove these guys that they’re not wasting their energy mentoring you and providing you these awesome opportunities. WRITE MOREEEE!!!!

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I got my high-five and I got it 2x

I posted this screen captured pict on my IG story last night. This paper hasn’t been published yet! So, some people might react “Oh come one, it’s not even published. Don’t be such a baby!”

But let me tell you, this paper is by far the most methods-dense that I have ever worked on. And man, I got 2 blunt rejections, that was brutal! And when I finally submitted my revision, I felt a huge surge of relief! And where is everybody when I needed someone to at least give me a high-five?!?! But to be fair, the school won’t start until next week, and it was 7pm when I finally clicked the “submit” button!

At the end of the day, I managed to get my much-needed high-five! I even got two! So thank you Kyle, and Zach (Nick’s brother), for giving me those much-needed high-fives! Those high-fives may mean nothing to both of you, but they really made my day!

Now I am keeping my fingers crossed. Hoping that it will get accepted soon!

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New Year’s (2019) Resolution

I only have one:  WRITE MORE!!!

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Epidemiology IS a science! As my mentor have said: it is the science of causation! Causal inference is what we are trying to achieve.