adventureswithjas-blog

[adventureswithjas-blog]

Modern Day Disney Princess?

[adventureswithjas-blog]

When shit gets hard and your not here.

A lump has made itself a permenant residence in the back of my throat. Tear ducts are on constant stand-bye and for no apparent reason I lose the ability to function like the adult I used to be. My will to get out of bed disapears more regularly than I'd like to admit and more often than not I find myself talking about you both in the present tense and having to correct myself and explain to people that you're no longer on earth. When shit gets hard and your not here to help me see that I've not completely destroyed every part of my world.... I'm lost.

These days I fail more often than I succeed; and I'm regretful more often than I'm thankful and I'm angry more often than I'm not. Things I used to thrive on now are nothing more than a bore; the ability to maintain my usual positive nature the silver lining has been replaced with my need to see the destruction of everything around me.

My friends infuriate me with stories of how they understand. I can feel myself let go; peice by peice I'm drifting away. Any plan to escape is foiled by people who still have control.

I'm empty because I took for granted every moment I had with you. I digress into the world of darkness I haven't seen since the last time you both saved me and as I struggle to find my way back on my own I see the light at the end of the tunnel becoming smaller and smaller and further and further away.

I am constantly surrounded by people who love me yet all I feel is alone and confused. I can't tell our stories any more because I'm trying to forget you so the pain goes away. I tried being numb for the longest time. When the doctors took that away and I was forced to come back around the world as I knew it had changed and I didnt belong any more. I still don't belong. I'm not entirely sure I ever really did belong.

I wasn't either of yours. I was some little girl you accepted as your sister and your daughter and loved unconditionally and more often than not no matter what when shit got hard you were still there... It didnt matter where in the world either of you were I wasn't alone.

The only shred of anything left is slowly being wasted away with anything and everything that will make me forget who you were to me. Anything that will make me forget I loved you more than life itself and with that the pain that I'm waking up with in the middle of the night becuase you both died.

 I get goose bumps when I think about you and I shiver when I speak your name's outloud.

But you're not here when shit gets hard.

[adventureswithjas-blog]

Of All The Things You Could have said.

I'm not sure I've ever actually understood how the english or any language came about. Not really. I was bought up to believe that we have our ancestors in babilon to thank with their unholy sinful souls and a vengeful god who decided we could no longer be one community.

I am of the opinion the same said vengeful god maybe perhaps just a little bit regretful in His decision to put a massive segration on earth. How much easier is it to solve disputes with someone who speaks the same language as you do? *I'm not for a second preaching that the world should speak english, I'm more inclined to suggest french or spanish, italian, anything? Something with slightly more too it.

Seperately the words in the english language are a bunch of mumbled letters, construed and confusing (I would honestly like to punch in the face the man/woman who decided "THE" was an acceptable word to use as a precursor to most sentences.) We can; and do use our words and sentences to confuse and tell half truths so that we can later decide you didnt interpret our thoughts in the same way we did. (The human race is crazy).

I'm digressing. WAY off track. Someone; anyone much more intelligent than myself or at least more well versed in the origins of the english language and possibly christianity should be writing the continuation of that blog was going.

I'm learning in my adult life that what we say, what we don't say mostly what you say what you don't say how you say it when you say it. Drives me insane and keeps me up at night. I don't have the ability to make the white noise in my head silent. I wish I did. I wish I could turn off and pretend that I was silent. Like you are silent.

Off hand comments destroy me. We've all said them, dropped them into conversation without really thinking another thought of them. You might even not realise at all that they were dropped. I can spend hours apon hours in deep conversation with you and only take that sting; that one offf handed sentence with more malice than you intended away and send me spining into a day or week, month of crazy over analysis to get my head around the meaning behind it.

I don't believe for a second that you didnt mean what you said. Take it back because the person who it was intended became offended or upset or confused. Your inner-monologue wanted it out. Because you thought it. Thoughts unflitered are who you really are despite your ability to manipulate the way your words are heard by those outside your mind.  

Chances are you haven't realised you had any impact on me at all. Chances are you didnt intend to have an impact. Chances are I'm still swirling your off-hand comment; the weird look; the silence that you didnt intend me to notice around in this crazy white noise that just wont quit

[adventureswithjas-blog]

You should never play cat and mouse.. Unless Your the mouse

Adventures in Jasmine Land are never straight forward, they don't make sense and they usually end up in a third party getting hurt/destroyed.

I don't do these things intentionally; I try very hard in the begining to play nice and treat everyone like an adult but the fact of the matter is... I don't keep it up for long. I get bored; take it or leave it the world is more fun when its crashing down around you.

Usually the one calling the shots, I've recently started playing cat instead of mouse, its refreshing/stressful/frustrating/fun/hilarious/makes me a little crazy. Its also made me wonder just how the games I'm usually playing screw with the third party accidentally caught up in my twisted adventures. Don't get me wrong; OF COURSE I KNOW THAT WHAT I DO AFFECTS PEOPLE'S EGOS!!! But this being a cat thing is almost a full time job. Mice have it SO MUCH EASIER!

Here's why: Date night/plus one required events:

As a mouse: Going on dates doesn't scare me. It should; i realise most people spend hours and hours worrying about outfits and hair and make up, but I do that everyday no matter what the occasion, going on a date is just another desitination. What about the personality clashes? The fact that there may be more awkward silence and discussion of the weather then any structured sentences longer then "how was your day" "i like your shirt" but again; not my issue as the mouse. Im confident, I can talk to anyone about anything and actually manage to have opinions about everything. Even if at the start of the conversation I have no idea what it is your rambling about. If all else fails, I will just pay you out and You'll love it. Plus one events? I attend a ridiculous amounts of charity/events/functions for various reasons, I refuse to attend them by myself but as a mouse I have never had an issue with finding someone to go with me. Be it a friend who loves art, the cute boy I use as a handbag, some random guy I got drunk with on the weekend but didnt sleep with. Not a worry in the world. As a mouse I've taken this for granted...

As the Cat: STRESS!!!! Apparently my clothes are never good enough (my wardrobe is amazing, and stuffed full! I have plenty to choose from this is never usually an issue for me I shop for a living), I now worry about the fact that i drank a diet coke yesterday and have a teeny tiny almost invisible pimple on my hair line which is obviously so noticeable that it took me four hours to find it after examining my usually porceline skin close up in my bathroom mirror. What if my usually cute paying you out for your wasted years on a law degree while i galavented around the world or laughing at your hair cut doesn't amuse you and i have nothing else even remotely interesting to say to you because I'm the boring one in this situation?

WHEN DID I BECOME UNABLE TO TALK TO PEOPLE????

Last minute cancellations (he's standing you up)/He has previous plans: The "Oh my god what if he stands me up" freak out I am now having every single time we make plans (unreliable should be his middle name) is quite possibly the most scary part of it all. Unfortunately even if the mouse actually has to be somewhere else and tells you ahead of time giving you time to find a back up plus one your still in the exact same boat. It's just as bad, if not worse becuase you fret about it for days/weeks.

As a mouse: The "oh my god what if he stands me up" freak out doesnt happen. It doesn't even cross your mind that he might not turn up. Why on earth wouldn't he? He's been almost stalking you for a dinner plan since you met a month ago. The "Previous Plans" WHAT PREVIOUS PLANS? There are no such thing as previous plans for cats. this is a non-issue as a mouse.

As a cat: Who ever invented the "oh my god what if he stands me up" freak out needs to explain to me exactly why you thought that much anxiety was fun? seriously? are you deluded? MOMENTARILY EARTH SHATTERING!!! Finding an alternate plus one when your first choice has plans... SO MUCH WORSE! This I've come to realise is because you spend so much time chasing the mouse your usually mouse self cat acquaintences have been ignored... thus making you a cat to them and they the mice. You can't just screw around with they dynamics of these situations it ruins the most comfortable of ongoing games.

The cat can always become the mouse, but you can't switch it back. Once you've switched the game is broken, you have two choices; End it.. Run for the hills (or your next cat) or fall for the mouse/cat guy and agree that the games need to stop.

No one wants games to stop...

[adventureswithjas-blog]

I missed you yesterday; Were you not well?

I'm known for being pretty oblivious to the world outside my circle. I've had people get angry at me more times then i can count for "snobbing them" in the street. Seriously? I'm sorry in the bustling crowds of thousands i walk past everyday I wasn't looking specifically for you. Were you jumping up and down waving at me? Did you have a balloon? Did you have a little person by their ankles to make me pay attention to you? Are you orlando bloom or the brazillian industry model? You probably don't register on the "Please dear jasmine land god let me run into this person today i look amazing" list". Not becuase i don't care about you, but because i just listed the four things that i am always looking out for.

So imagine my astonishement when some random boy in the sushi line today noticed i didn't have sushi for lunch yesterday. Creepy right? Originally I thought so, but then - I do have sushi pretty much every day for lunch around the same time. I love sushi I'm almost addicted. Its the only carb i eat. I could go on and on and i may infact write an entire post about my love for sushi. I'm digressing I'm sorry.

Sushi Boy, turns out has sushi at the same time every day. Yesterday however, I had lunch with a very dear friend of mine who has apparently decided I'd be fun to date. Im' yet to come to any kind of decision regarding. We'll see... (Digressing again, wow i'm doing super with my ability to stay on track today...)

When I didn't appear in our usual sushi line tango of silence. Sushi boy became worried about my health. He was even so inclined to ask if i was back to my tip top healthy self today when we recommenced the sushi line shuffle. Its worrying that as a young female living and working in the city, my first thought was "oh my god, is this guy stalking me?" Why wasn't it, "wow, that was really sweet?".

I haven't always lived in the city, god forbid I admit this outloud. But i grew up in a couple of different small country towns. People knew everything about you. If you missed school once, the whole town enquired as to your health. Don't even get me started on the amount of flowers you would have sent to you on Valentines day if you'd recently broken up with your boyfriend, or the amount of times neighbours would "pop over" (note 75km between properties) to make sure you were okay if your parents were out of town. That was the normal. I've lived in the city now for 6 years and now suddenly taking note in my well being is stalkerish? When did my mindset change?

A while back I read in a friends notes that if chiverally is dead, women killed it. I unfortunately have to agree. Sushi Boy was more sweet to me then the guy i actually refer to "as the guy i'm seeing" and yet he's the bad person?

Nice boys finish last because we instantly put them into the bad boy/creep category. Why don't we date them if they're in the bad boy category you ask? Becuase they aren't the kind of guy that wont call you back, or take their exes on dates because your out of the city for work. They aren't the bad boys you spend your nights and weekends chasing becuase you enjoy the thrill of maybe not being stood up this time around ending in going home to spoon with your best friend.

They're the bad boy/creeps that notice when you don't have sushi for lunch, or have flowers delivered to your office becuase even though you've never invited him to your office he asked your best friend who was standing next to you where to send the flowers because he wanted to pick up the happiness level of your day which your now classing as creepy.

Had he been the bad boy you were dating he probably would have bought you soup to make sure you were in the sushi line the next day. The one your dating probably doesn't even know that soup fixes everything, and doesnt care if you miss the sushi line shuffle the next day.

We need to stop categorising nice boys as badboy creeps it gives them a bad name, and worse - we're going to stop recieving suprise flower deliveries and sweet gestures that are now almost completely extinct.

[adventureswithjas-blog]

Cat and Mouse

There are few things that can keep my attention for longer then it takes me to blink. Amazing fashion; Terrible fashion sense; and the excitement I feel when something is being dangled just out of my reach pretty much sum up my ability to maintain an honest interest.  There's nothing I love more then the chase of obtaining the unattainable. But when the games have stopped and the unattainable have been obtained; where does the initial interest go? What happens to the ever elusive spark that was there before the games began?

The intrigue and unknown becomes known and when the dust settles its just another person in your bathroom in the morning when your trying to get ready for work.

What is it that makes us want something we can't quite have, then discard it when we finally catch it?

The enticement of having the object dangled in front of us, at arms length is enough to drive most people crazy. if Adam and Eve couldnt resist the fruit they were forbidden to have, what chance do any of us have to resisting the cute bad boy denying us the one thing we want because he's being a tease?

[adventureswithjas-blog]

"They serve like a mockery in way of reality becuase they think everything is smiles and sweetness and flowers, when there is something bitter to taste. And to pretend there isn't is foolish" Edie Sedgwick (Ciao Manhatten 1972)

[adventureswithjas-blog]

New Year New Blog,

Life as a stylist means I get to work amongst some of the most inspired and amazing people in the world. The work hours are long, the clients are sometimes more diva then i'd prefer to admit, the end result makes everything worth it. I wouldn't want to be doing anything else.

Throw into the mix my love of drama, a knack for getting into trouble with boys, weekends that lose all sense of time and my amazing group of friends so diverse I can't hang out with them all at the same time without starting to get lost in the situation and you've started to understand where I'm coming from.

I don't believe in New Years Resolutions, love at first sight, "the one", and strongly believe monogomy is for people who got bored with their lives and gave up enjoying themselves and the simple life is for your granparents who need stability and routine to remember who they are. I thought about settling down this year and being a grown up for the first time in my life then I remembered how much fun I've had in the last five years of not being an adult. I'm 22 how much longer can I really keep living this way and getting away with it before the social expectations require me to stop?

Live beyond your means; when the sun makes it up before you get to bed smile becuase your young and the life you living makes you laugh. Only buy clothing that makes you look amazing and tell your girlfriends when theirs doesn't.