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9-17-18 2:08am

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i handle my life the way i do the chores: lousy.

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from the summer

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five-years-from-now, a scene

apparently, i’ve had a tough week and

disappointment engulfs me.

i see a life that’s bound by mediocrity

/

is this

a gaping hole i feel inside me; or

is my life, in itself, a cavity

am i

a blind spot in the grand scheme of things; or

a dormant cell among the entire network of humanity

/

as i drink my cup of barako in a casual, Sunday morning but one of the mornings i drowsily, dreadfully wake up to, a fabricated premonition of five-years-from-now flashes inside my head.

it’s a usual, routine day. i’m doing fairly well with my current corporate work that pays enough. i go home to an apartment i’ve managed to maintain on my own for a couple of years now as i set my take-away meal for dinner on a sole table for two, set at the side of the room where it faces a wall with a mirror.

it’s been a long day. i tiredly sit on my chair at my usual side of the table facing the wall with my reflection.

i have no one to eat with but the woman i see.

as i look at her placid face on the mirror, it isn’t me.

i see a reflection, but not myself.

/

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today was unhappy. well, there are the caffeinated parts but none of the really, truly happy.

i don’t have my cerebral shit together.

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Maybe we find new things when we lose old things like when we lose pieces of ourselves, we discover something else. Maybe we leave these traces all over our scattered past so someone else can find it and we move on to find the parts we didn’t know existed. They say you don’t know who you are until you get your heart broken, but maybe with a heart split wide open, it leaves you bare and exposed, to allow more particles in. So these remnants of our souls continue on to live in other people even if they have long ago been lost to us. And that becomes the proof of our existence. — Ming D. Liu

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God I love this quote so much from the film and book

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The future rose up ahead of her, a succession of empty days, each more daunting and unknowable than the one before her. How would she ever fill them all? She began walking again, south towards The Mound. 'Live each day as if it's your last', that was the conventional advice, but really, who had the energy for that? What if it rained or you felt a bit glandy? It just wasn't practical. Better by far to simply try and be good and courageous and bold and to make a difference. Not change the world exactly, but the bit around you. Go out there with your passion and your electric typewriter and work hard at... something. Change lives through art maybe. Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loved, if you ever get the chance.

David Nicholls, One Day

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***THE CONTRADICTORY POLITICS***  OF ALEX STEINER ... Point Five: Somewhere, far down, there was an itch in his heart, but he made it a point not to scratch it. He was afraid of what might come leaking out.

Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

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by the house; early mornings from November.

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In his memoir of Eliot, his friend Robert Sencourt comments that the young Eliot 'would often curl up in the window-seat behind an enormous book, setting the drug of dreams against the pain of living.'

via Wikipedia (T.S. Eliot)

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5.8.18

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All the books of the world full of thoughts and poems are nothing in comparison to a minute of sobbing, when feeling surges in waves, the soul feels itself profoundly and finds itself. Tears are the melting ice of snow. All angels are close to the crying person.

Hermann Hesse, from The Complete Fairy Tales; “A Dream Sequence,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

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I have a bad habit of thinking things mean more than they do and it always leaves me standing there, with my arms stretched out too far, reaching for things that were never within my grasp to begin with.

MC (via wnq-writers)

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“I feel like the first draft of poetry—a fine idea that deserves to be written down, but never good enough to make the final touch.”

—Hanzel Writes, Written Constellations

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“You can’t just touch my soul and leave.”

-unknown

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